Black or white?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Lady Godiva, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Oh, mine.. Here I am! I am sincere, I would never have imagined to post here one day. The fact is that, as someone else wrote around, She is driving me crazy and openly talking I need to talk with someone out of my LGBT group.

    So, how's things? A girl, that we'd call G, butch look, amazing eyes and smile, gets to know me in the gym. She works there. At first, things are very easy: we laugh and hang out in the gym bar or with common friends. She always finds some excuse to join me at my morning trainings and work out while looking at me. Little by little we find each other involved in a continuous flow of messages and coffees. Our friendship soon attracts the attention of everyone, including partners. She has a girlfriend since a while, I have a boyfriend. And everyone knows one another because of the gym. Shortly I had the impression that G's attentions towards me were different. I myself felt different when with her, as attracted to her, but I did not even consider such option as possible, off course! One day, G visited me at home. We sat on the terrace drinking coffee: eye contact almost non-stop and arousal in the air.. it was clear to both of us that attraction was at its highest levels and the overall situation uncertain.. She came to me underlining we had to keep it secretly hidden from everyone, especially her jealous girlfriend ( around 10 years younger than us).. Since that time G began to be less expansive when meeting me. As this was nonsense to me without an explanation, I told her to stop messaging each other too, but she said she wanted to continue to write to me in secret from her girlie. I am sincere, I was getting more and more involved in that liaison, so I decided to confide with my boyfriend, who told me to appreciate this my step of mine towards him. What did I tell him? The truth: that we were friends, but that since a while I was feeling some sort of attraction to her and that I didn't know what was going on since I didn't know I could feel this way ever in my life, and what did I have to do..

    However:

    One day while I and G are chatting with our mobile phones, I see a call coming from Her number, so I answer and whom do I find at the other side?? K the young girlfriend of G who orders me to stop disturbing G because G is hers and doesn't have anything to share with me any more, that I misunderstood things and that everything is over.

    Surprised and hurt I try to get some explanation from G, but She hides behind K and closes our friendship, text messages and chats, right there on time.

    Since then, I have stopped talking with G 'cause I couldn't stand her sight. I was feeling deceived, teased.. I don't know.. Perhaps because after the confidence that existed between us, I expected at least a word about what had happened..

    Now after months, since we meet often during the week, I wonder if maybe I should talk to her to clear things up once for all or just let them go and good night.. It is certain, however, that what happened has disturbed me a lot. Since then I started to question myself, wondering if by any chance there is something about me that I do not know yet .. Common friends - all lesbian- say that G is actually a boy and not a lesbian butch, and maybe that's why she behaved like that with me. They say G did similar in the past because she loves flirting..
     
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    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
  2. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    I know this may be difficult and she may or may not like you. But she is dating someone so its better to stay away. How would you feel if you were in the other girl's situation?
    If you are meant to be, you will find each other again minus the complications.
     
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  3. Vonvon87

    Vonvon87 Member

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    Seems like not only are you confused about how this other woman feels , but also confused as to who you are?
    Did I read that you are engaged too or is it g that is engaged ?
    Either way, I would say let go enjoy the moments you had. You don't want to be the cause of someone else break up/pain.
     
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  4. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Dear Jane Doe, first of thanks for the kind reply. As to answer your questions, yes, I did think about K. and about her young world and young feelings, and trust me, I guess that it is due to my thoughts if we are here. I also guess if something is meant to be, will be. Just at times, I would like this energy to be alive now that I am here for work and not later.
     
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  5. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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  6. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    This week it's my turn to organise a dinner with our common friends. In other circumstances I would have invited her too, but so far, I don't know what to do. Someone told me to ask the common friends what do they think and then eventually tell her.
    In any case I can't hide I'd love her to tell me "I am sorry" and to invite me out for a dinner and disco night.. A long long night, until dawn..
     
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  7. Vonvon87

    Vonvon87 Member

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    Maybe be cautious as there are a lot of feelings involved in this by the sounds of it.
    Ask your common friends about inviting her as if it's something you all do regularly then it might be wierd for them if she isn't there. But don't rush into any alone meet ups.
    Maybe distance yourself for now work on your confusion as you said you've always only ever dated men so your going through a load of thoughts takes thing easy and slow.
    Never been in this situation so hard to give advice I just worry about all the peoples feelings involved in this .
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Stop. Just stop. She's in a relationship and you are in a relationship. That should be the end of it. Your actions, and I hate to be blunt, are selfish to say the least. And you're disrespecting not only her girlfriend -- but your fiancé as well.

    So you might like women? So what? Is it fair for you to destroy not only her relationship but yours in the process because you, are not even sure of who you are. Where do you think this will go? Happily ever after? Could it be that you are playing as much with her as she is with you?

    Perhaps this energy is your projecting what you want to come from the situation -- and not entirely true of the situation itself. You have ulterior motives with this woman, and perhaps this woman innocently enough played along until she realized there was more coming from you. And you're still stuck on the "what ifs" of the situation. You still want her to ask you out and for a "long long night" girlfriend be damned....as far as I'm concerned, she owes you no apologies.

    You have to take what she said at face value. You misunderstood her. End of story. Stop trying to make something more of the situation when she's been explicit with you.
     
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  9. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Dear Spygirl, yes, you sound kind hard and direct; but I perfectly understand your point of view. There are, in fact, other people involved; and that is why, I didn't "cross the red line" -as I wrote here above-.
    But Spygirl, trust me, I was not dreaming. There was/is something between us. And that was not a game. It was a friendship becoming richer and richer day by day. And everybody in the gym noticed it. My man, however, is aware of everything, because I do not want to hide things. And when I told G. to stop everything, she was the one willing to continue messaging and having fun behind her girl - cause as G. said "she is very much jealous".
    In any case, the fact remains that, it's great to be around her. Her eyes light up when they meet mine and from her look I can feel how she is doing. I won't make any move, don't worry. However, I am sincere, I do not know how much longer I can take it all in. Sometimes I would love to have a confrontation by adults, without that little girlfriend around. I am still convinced that she accepted K. behaviour (the phone call) cause she did not have the courage to put at risk what he has. And I really admire her for this. I wasn't that strong and as you see, I fell at the feet of a new feeling.
     
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  10. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Last update from the gym: This morning in the gym, while talking about the girls' dinner I have to organise told me: "if you invite her, she will come, off course. But she will behave like that.." (making a face like saying "Normally"). Then she added: "However, she is not a girl. She is a boy". And I said: "Well, she might be what you said but trust me, she is neither a boy. At least from "our" (straight) point of view". And she said: "Mah, I don't know. For us (lesbians), she is not a girl. And she will never give it to you, cause she never had sex with a girl". The discussion stopped cause G. arrived.
    I left to go back to work but these words got stuck in my mind: what was this person trying to say? G. was born woman, acted like a butch all her life, now wants to be a man, she is dating lesbians, but didn't have sex with a woman? Is maybe "woman" indicating "straight women"? Or what is going on? In any case, G. is amazing...
     
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  11. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    You know what: I guess - as you said- that she started to play with me cause friendship was running (same interests, same ideas about life, same sports.. and all that) but as she was "running down the hill" she got scared by the whole situation around (me being straight, me having a man, me being temporary in her city, she having a girlfriend, common friends knowing about our lives and partners, past sufferance in love and so on) and seized the moment by taking advantage of the jealous reaction of his girlfriend to save what they had. And she did right. Spygirl, What do you think about the girls' night and dinner at my place?
     
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  12. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    Hi Lady Godiva, from what I have read in your posts above, you REALLY like this person and have strong feelings for her. And you feel that this girl also likes you. BUT, I know you are also unsure what to do and you have also considered the circumstance you are in (yours and her relationships, etc) by coming to AE for advice. Which means as much as possible you do not want to be in a mess with things when this goes out of hand. That's commendable I guess.

    My only advice to you is, just so to avoid hurting people (and I mean not only her gf but your bf as well), stay away as early as now or it would be difficult to get out when you are in too deep. And you have to consider you are also confused, you have to figure things out before you go ahead with things.

    I have, too, fallen in love with a girl but her ex wants to fix things between them. She also said she has fallen for me but I had to stay away. Because I don't want to make her any more confused than she already was and I was also dating someone although not exclusively. I knew she loved her ex also. If we are meant to be, like i said, we will find each other without the complication. But that's my story.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am not saying you are a bad person, I don't know you. What you are doing is truly despicable. I hope that this is just some unbelievable attraction that is muddling your brain to cause you to act this way. I am ignoring the wanting to cheat and disrespecting the other partners. I am talking about consent. Whatever you think she thinks, she has verbally said no. There is no consent to this behavior from you. The winking is not a consent.

    Having no consent, from your partner, her partner and especially her is turning you into this desperate stalker. You are creating controversy amongst friends and having her getting talked about. You are casting doubt onto whether she had somehow brought this onto herself. She goes to a life gym to feel better and relax, and you are mucking it up. You are being crass and creating bad ripples all around her. I have a feeling that you are not on here for advice but somehow to hear somebody encouraging this one-sided romance. I bet you listen to every love song and think it is about you and her. It is not, because she said no. You have to respect what is verbal and let go. Please, Please Please.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
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  14. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Wow, that is quite a much.. Sorry dear Greylin, but is falling in love and finding ourselves confused so much malignant in your opinion? Yes OK, there's a jealous girlfriend, but let's be clear, there are also months of special feelings and as I said above, I'm not making a dream out of it: it really existed! She was looking for me, messaging me, inviting me and believe me when I say that when our eyes met (or meet as of today) even a blind person would understand that there's something in the air.
    All right, perhaps I am the most emotional, but why being emotional should be a shame? I have never hidden anything to anyone, indeed, I have spoken plainly and put all my new emotions and confusion on the table. And if I'm here, that's because I need to confront with someone more expert than me; and not to be told "Go to her because she is in love with you". I'm not a teenager but an adult woman who discovered a new reality.
     
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  15. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    If I did not cross the line back in the summer, my dear Greylin, it is right because I would never do anything to hurt her. At the same time, however, I can't hide I would have loved telling her that I had fallen for her. I have one year time left in this city, that is why, at times, I dream of a dinner-disco-night. I am not dreaming of sex, but a kiss and a hug, yes that would be the best!
     
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  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If anything there is to deprive me of sleep is not so much what has happened to me but what I have done to someone else, whether they were actions that I thought was justified at the time or not. I am sure someday, I will have the same feeling of remorse by sounding so cross with you. So, I apologize in advance about letting my feelings about consent dictate my words.

    I am not talking about your feelings. Love is a wonderful thing, it can cause us to act in ways we would never imagine ourselves to have acted before.

    What I am talking about is consent.

    I am not talking about your feelings.

    I am talking about your actions.

    Unless your friend is saying yes, she wants you too, there is nothing in the air that can validate this. She only has to tell you once, no and that means no. Even when she can be friendly afterwards and maybe she is acting in a way because she does not knowing how to handle your advances. She said her gf is right, you have misunderstood. Then when you keep pursuing her, it is very disrespectful of her. You are telling her she doesn't know what she wants and you are deciding for her that you have the real formula. There is nothing, nothing wrong with your feelings, but your actions are so outside of goodness, you just don't see it. You also talk behind her back with your common friends. It is not their business about her sexual identity and it is no business of yours. A dinner party is a good thing, but now, there is this drama swirling around it. I am sure you are a much classier person than what you are doing. The right thing to do is to apologize to her and the high groundy thing to do is also apologize to her girlfriend and stay away until you really can think of her as a friend.

    When you have nothing explicit from her, you have nothing to go on.
     
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  17. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Ok, I understand what you mean. And the friend side of the story is right. I am too much involved now to be able to be just friends. Just one thing: I am not talking behind her with my common friend, neither I am telling her that she doesn't know what she wants. Friends are common friends to the two of us and have always been a very important link to the two of us. These people are make a group and share everything among themselves, thus, what happened to me was just an other "topic" in their everyday businesses. And talking is done in a positive way.
    As for me and the truth, I know what kind of person she is and if she chose the gf, then she had her reasons.
    Btw, thanks for opening my eyes on some side I hadn't considered so far.
    ps. What doesn't make me sleep at nights are the things I should have done but missed because I bocked me right the nano-second before they were taking place..
     
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  18. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    You asked what should you do - I think @Spygirl and @greylin said it best, you have to stop whatever you're doing. G said no, she has a girlfriend, you have a fiancee - if those aren't enough reasons, I don't know what else to tell you.

    About that dinner... It sounded like you already made a decision on whether to invite her or not. But seriously, if G accepts your invitation knowing her gf is already jealous of you, I don't have good things to say about that either. Her gf's age doesn't matter in this conversation; the real issue in this post is your (and really, G's if we believe what you said) complete disregard of her gf's feelings.

    I don't see anything good coming out of this if you continue this, just hurt feelings all around.
     
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  19. Lady Godiva

    Lady Godiva Active Member

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    Thanks Rac, really.
    You also have put the emphasis on her girlfriend. And I accept it. Thinking too much to her girlfriend, though, is it not a risk? Namely: G. was the first to want to see me before K. found out that we were more than friends and called me to say G. was hers and I had to step back.
    G. in fact, did not choose in first person, rather she accepted her girlfriend's actions and I think - given what was between us- G. did not have the courage to be sincere. And to me, it is especially sad this falsehood - let's call it like this- because I trusted her. Not to mention that I lost a friend with whom I shared many things, like never in my life before. This is why many times I wish I had the opportunity to talk to her calmly. Because I would like those eyes to tell mine what I heard on the phone from K.
    But never from her.
    In any case, I thank you for the advice. Every answer here is very important to me.
     
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  20. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I think the better question here is - is this really the kind of person you want to be with?

    Here's what I think, you asking if you should continue pursuing G should be the least of your concern right now. I think the most important thing right now is try to figure yourself out first. I don't think you know what you really want at this point and you trying to figure this out with G will only hurt a lot of people and that is never good.
     
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