Better to know or not know?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Techie23, Sep 15, 2013.

  1. Techie23

    Techie23 Well-Known Member

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    My best friend of 5 years , who is straight and married, and I have a pretty great relationship. She is one of the most accepting and non-judgmental people I have ever known. We get along great for the most part. A lot of people don't really understand our relationship with many people insisting that I must be in love with her because apparently a straight girl can't be friends with a lesbian. We haven't really let it bother us too much, people talk. Usually it's her getting more crap than me. She has recently been having some marriage problems and is going to counseling. Her therapist thinks her husband was emotionally cheating on her, which my best friend agrees. According to her therapist, anytime someone goes outside the marriage for what they should be getting in the marriage, it's a form of cheating. So my best friend told her husband that and he was like, well, how is that any different than her relationship with me? Especially because I'm a lesbian. My best friend said it was nothing like that because her and I aren't anything more than friends and we will never be anything more than friends. Which led to my best friend repeatedly telling me over and over that it wasn't the same thing because it was never going to lead anywhere, which she reiterated about 10 times. Add to the fact that someone who works with us continually tells my best friend that I'm in love her, which she just recently told me that this person said that. I'm feeling like my best friend is really emphasizing to me that we are just friends, which has never been an issue before with us. Like maybe she is questioning it herself. It almost gets to the point where I'm like, OK, enough! I get it! It's making me self conscious about how we interact and almost offended to a point because of how vehemently she keeps insisting that she would go there with me, ever! I almost wish she wouldn't tell me these things because now I'm thinking OK, does her husband have a problem with us? Do I need to do something different? Should I tell her I feel self conscious about stuff now? Do I ask her if she feels I want more or something or just act like nothing is wrong and pretend I'm not worried my best friend thinks I'm in love with her? I don't know how to approach this or if I should even bother. She's never been one to let what anyone else thinks bother her or affect how she feels/thinks and I don't know what is going on right now. Like, I feel uncomfortably aware that she's straight and I'm a lesbian and we've never had that weirdness between us. It was never an issue, it was just me and her, friends. I just want that back but unfortunately you can't unhear things. Not sure what to do.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Techi23 I am so upset for you! I can't believe that the people there are so rotten about it. You and your friend are just dealing with a constant drumbeat of this shite and of course something's gonna give and one or both of you would crack under all that. What are these people trying to do, wreck your friend's marriage and wreck a beautiful relationship between two women friends?

    First off, the answer is, yes, you should talk it all out with your best friend. Hopefully you and her can come up with a strategy and face all this together. If this kind of stuff is happening at work, it is harassment. But the most important thing is it is getting into her home life as well. She has no break from all of this. She really needs couples counseling with her husband and have them talk things out in a constructive manner. I don't know the circumstance where her shrink would make such a pronouncement about him but it had to be bad enough that she went to a therapist in the first place. Her husband could be just deflecting or jealous of the time you two spend together. I have seen that in marriages where the married woman with even a straight best friend and the husband got jealous. And...what are the motivation behind all the rumors, other than some people just have nothing better to do is that they might be jealous of your relationship too.

    So, simply ask her, how you can support her in this. Her marriage needs to come first, offer to show up in one of her marriage counseling sessions if warranted. Offer to help explain things if needed to her husband. As far as work, people who do shit like that don't really matter and support her on that. If the harassment gets worse, have a supervisor sort it out. But I have seen people do the humor/shrug it off thing and people stop. The more she denies things and takes it too seriously, the more she is feeding these people on it. Other than humor she can simply tell someone that they are being rude to her and disruptive to her work. If someone asks her if you guys are together, she can say, "Do you believe it?" and if that person says , "yes," she can say, "You can believe whatever you want, now can we get back to work?" Good luck to you. Friendship between women are very important, it should be fun as well as part of a woman's succor and well being.
     
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  3. Techie23

    Techie23 Well-Known Member

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    I know I should talk to her but I don't want her to feel bad for telling me. I know that as soon as I say that I felt bad about what she said, that maybe our friendship was causing her problems, she would do one of two things... a) say that it's not causing problems and she shouldn't have said anything or b) that it doesn't matter what other people say or think.

    Which is great, but unfortunately it doesn't alleviate my concerns or make me feel any less self conscious about things. I did make a comment that I had a dream where her therapist told her that I was a bad influence on her and that she shouldn't be around me (which I actually did, freaky enough) and she just laughed, not in a mean way, and said "no one is going to tell me to stay away or not be friends with you."

    I guess I need to just get over the awkwardness, it seems to be mainly on my part anyway.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Then if I were in that situation, my response to her reassurance would be, "I trust that you are doing fine and handling it. And furthermore, I will trust you to tell me if you need help from me."
     
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  5. Techie23

    Techie23 Well-Known Member

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    Well, things finally came to a head the other day. Apparently her sister even commented on our relationship, asking if it was weird or if I hit on her or things like that and my best friend was like "God no! No! It's not like that at all! I don't think of her like that!" and I finally just kinda said "Ok! I get it! You would never consider me like that, you don't think of me like that! I feel a little self conscious here!" She kinda stopped and just looked at me and was "No! I don't mean it like that! I mean, you think I haven't thought about how different things would be if I was with you? How much more supportive you'd be?" I didn't really know what to say to that. We just kinda looked at each other for a moment and then she said that she never meant to make me feel self conscious at all, just that she didn't want anyone thinking bad of me. Later on that day, I apologized for kinda yelling at her and she said that we both maybe said some things that we shouldn't. So I don't really know how to take that, especially about her saying that she has actually thought about what it would be like with me. But at least we somewhat got the whole self conscious thing out there.
     
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