Answered

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by elloz, Dec 15, 2014.

  1. elloz

    elloz New Member

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    Badabing badabado este cuento se acabado! Thanks for answering! Happy holidays!
     
    #1
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2014
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Yo brah.....the wall of text makes this insanely hard to read. But yet, I squinted and read, and re-read and muddled through to try to get what you were saying. Stopped at "stripper pole"..re-read it and then felt like I'm in the middle of some never-ending work of fiction.

    However, being that you claim to be "a-romantic"..I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. It sounds to me like you guys hooked up at a party -- made out a bit, etc. etc. but when it came down to hanging out with you and getting to know you a little better, there just wasn't a connection there for her. From everything you've said AFTER the party, I don't get that she was sending you mixed signals or stated that she was into you at all (unless you omitted it). Maybe she thinks you're a player...or maybe she can't be friends with you because she knows you want more (which could make it uncomfortable), but there's a definitive reason why she suddenly went all cold on you. If I'm understanding you correctly, this is what went down (excuse my liberties):

    1. Hookup at a party - awesome neck eating, and you become a love-drunk fool. (love does this to all of us)
    2. Take her to dinner/semi-awkward encounters after but you're both cool..things seem to be going well sorta
    3. Halloween party -- you didn't get to strip for her (sadness reigns over the land)...in fact, she bolts early...and says something sounding unhappy
    4. Avoids you by pretending phone is broken when you ask her to dinner
    5. She ditches a party..catches up with you at an after party..you tell her you're into her..she says no..she's only interested in you as friends.
    6. Lots of crying and you tell her you hope she finds someone as wonderful..someone who will evoke rainbows and ponies
    7. Called you over while taking to someone else..your PMS takes over, you get bitter and tell her you can't stand seeing her with someone else
    8. Whoa...surprise to the girl you had so many feelings...but that was just a friend..what the f**k are you doing?
    9. More crying -- text..to no response...then I'm sorry when running into her...
    10. Finally, Don't talk to me!

    So, it sounds to me like the PMS episode was the turning point. She thought she was clear about friendship only and you kinda got bitter...so now she probably doesn't know how to deal with you because she thinks that you'll always want more than friendship. Or the bitterness was kinda off-putting. That's my .02. I think the PMS event was what upset her..especially if you felt like you needed to apologize.

    Don't give up on the love, ok? it will happen with the right woman.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2014
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  3. elloz

    elloz New Member

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    Her phone was actually broken, like the text messages came back to me with the whole "could not send" business. I actually made sure to tell her at some point that I don't believe in the concept of leading someone on before I asked because I actually don't. I honestly thought it was my own damn fault for getting too hung up on her. But thanks for the solid twenty cents because at this point I really just needed someone to confirm that it was the PMS moment and nothing else that sealed the not so sweet deal. Maybe it'll blow over and she'll mayhap want to be friend with me maybe but I'm assuming the unlikely here. Again thanks :) Also I swear I don't actually talk like this I just didn't want to get caught up in a puddle of unhappy so I tried to make light of everything cause well it is just one of many misadventures
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Here is my take on things.

    1) She is a confident person, who knows what she wants. She is not afraid to set boundaries or talk about what she wants.
    2) You are not used to having romantic relationships, so you don't have a lot of romantic relationship skills. (Not a judgement, just an observation).
    3) You guys had a miscommunication, mostly because you did not communicate clearly with her.
    4) And partially because she tried to give you signals, but you couldn't hear them, or didn't understand them.
    5) The PMS thing was one drama too many for her.

    I don't think you can contact her right now, without coming across as super creepy. I'm sorry to say, but when it gets to the point of someone saying "delete my contact info," then you have pushed too hard and too far.

    Maybe in the future (I'm talking 6 months to a year) you can bump into her somewhere and apologize. But not right now. You need to respect her wishes and give her space. If you see her out, just say a polite hello and keep moving.

    So let's go back through it step by step.
    1) She is a confident person, who knows what she wants. She is not afraid to set boundaries or talk about what she wants.
    She clearly said that she isn't into hook ups.

    3) You guys had a miscommunication, mostly because you did not communicate clearly with her.
    You realized that you wanted to try for more than a hook up with her. But you didn't tell her that.

    2) You are not used to having romantic relationships, so you don't have a lot of romantic relationship skills. (Not a judgement, just an observation).
    So she thinks the issue is settled - she has said 'no hook ups.' But you think that you still have a chance and keep pushing. It's a relationship thing, when the other person spells something out, you have to accept it.

    4) And partially because she tried to give you signals, but you couldn't hear them, or didn't understand them.
    She kept trying to tell you something. But you couldn't hear (party). Didn't want to hear (didn't ask about it). Or really didn't understand (stripper pole).

    The stripper pole is important, because it shows the disconnect. If someone doesn't want a hook up, they don't want you to tease them and strip. Trying to seduce them after they have said "no" so clearly comes off as pushy, or worse. It's like they say no, and you have a hidden agenda in everything. (I'm not saying you do, just saying how it seems from her point of view).

    5) The PMS thing was one drama too many for her.
    From her point of view, by the time the PMS thing rolled around - she had said or hinted 'NO' a bunch of times and you hadn't listened. She'd clearly been left feeling pretty uncomfortable in several of these situations. So the PMS thing was like your 3rd or 4th strike.

    1) She is a confident person, who knows what she wants. She is not afraid to set boundaries or talk about what she wants
    She's not going to put up with endless BS. So after the PMS thing, she put her foot down. No more nice gentle hints. She put her foot down. No Hook ups and No Drama.

    Now, I've been rather hard on you. And I don't mean to be. I don't think you are a horrible person. You liked a girl and it got messed up. Story of my early 20s. But I think it would do you a disservice to lie to you, just to save your feelings.

    Relationships are a bit like riding a bike. They take some practice. Everyone starts off with training wheels, then heads to a little bike, and then takes on hand brakes and gears...

    You don't really do the relationship thing. So you are back at the training wheels stage. You know how to ask a girl out, or seduce her. But you don't have a lot of skillllz when it comes to listening, compromise, reading the other person's boundaries, etc... (I'm not saying this as judgement, just observation). So if / when you do meet a girl that you really like, you are going to have to work very hard on the 'relationship' side of things. Player tricks do not do, or fix, all.

    And for the love of all that is Holy and Good - paragraph breaks, please.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I kept it light too and tried to add humor where appropriate...because sometimes it's a tough thing for people to admit that a situation is a bit emotionally crushing. I've had many misadventures too -- so I get it. Emotions can throw us all for a loop and make us, temporarily, stupid. As Bluenote said...maybe you weren't communicating that you were into her more than a hook up? It may seem obvious to you that you liked her..but unless you actually communicated it? Doubtful...

    Hang in there, ok?
     
    #5
  6. elloz

    elloz New Member

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    Funny thing is I am actually awful at seduction, I've never been able to seduce someone unless they were first my friend XD! Also I don't really think you're being too harsh at all although I think I need to put in a disclaimer that I'm not really wondering why she doesn't like me romantically because that ship has long since sunk and I've already processed the heck out of that with my friends and one person who knows her well. I'm just worried that she's upset over something other than the PMS issue because well in that case I made my own grave.
    Also I seem to have presented myself as an immature player when that isn't the case. I actually think that things like one night stands are not training wheels because I firmly believe that a person engaging with someone on that level should highly value that interaction and make sure that the person is happy and emotionally stable when done.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 15, 2014
  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, I think if a girl says "delete my contact info," she's pretty upset. I think you pushed her too far. Once it gets to the land of 'just stay away from me,' you've burned your bridges to apoligize.

    I think you just kinda have to accept that she was (is?) upset. Just try to learn from this and move on.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    OK, well, that is nice. But somehow in all that emotional stability stuff you:
    1) pushed a girl to where she said 'don't contact me.'
    2) ignored a lot of yellow flags along the way before you hit 'leave me alone.

    If a girl says no, and you keep pushing, it's not going to go well. If a girl drops a lot of hints and you ignore them, it's not going to go well.

    Quit trying to rationalize stuff so much and just stop and look at what is right in front of you.
     
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  9. elloz

    elloz New Member

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    I had asked her in my pms moment if I had missed something along the way, if she had any feelings for me at any point, if she knew I had anything for her and why she didn't say/do anything because I didn't want to make the same mistake. She said that there wasn't really much I could've done, that she was sorry that she lead me on, she thought that I was going to find someone else in the meanwhile and she was enjoying my company. She didn't think I had anything so strong for her and said she was going to give me some space.

    If it were that blatantly obvious then I would've had several good slaps to the back of my head from a solid chunk of my friends. What I don't understand is how she went from very relaxed, casual "hi's" when we were in the same spaces (which I avoided for a bit for obvious reasons). To when asked if she wanted to be friends, first saying no thank you, then I just ask why because I didn't want to have done something without realizing that might have upset her. That is when she says to not contact her. Never mind that I haven't said anything to her for a solid few weeks due to school work.

    I understand if she decided that it might be too much drama, but if I ever wanted someone to be responsive to what they might have done to upset me then I should do the same shouldn't I? But no matter what angle this is looked at the answer is the same which is to move on because of that whole "don't contact me" bit, main reason why I deleted the body of this page, there is no use dwelling on something that can't be fixed. Minor reason, it was terrible to read.

    For the emotional stability stuff, I really just don't like how society views hookups because I think they contribute to people using each other for sex and not caring what happens after. I think it allows people to views others as sex objects.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, it seems like the PMS thing was a big turning point.

    Which leaves 2 options. 1) The PMS thing really pissed her off and / or creeped her out. 2) The PMS thing was the last straw, but she had been put off by other things - like the stripper pole.

    You also have to keep in mind, where someone is coming from impacts their reactions. It's not just your behavior = their reactions. It's your behavior + their history = their actions. People can react in very unexpected ways to seemingly simple actions.

    You have no idea if she ever had trouble with a stalker, a jealous ex, an unwanted suitor. Now, I'm not saying that you were stalker-ie toward her. I'm just pointing out if she's had a stalker before, then her sensors might be set to "ultra sensitive" about anything that seems unwanted.

    Or, if she feels guilty that she "led you on," and she knows you are feeling hurt - she can feel pretty awful when she is around you. If she has history where she unintentionally "led on" a friend, she might be ultra sensitive about this. And she is sort of stuck with no good option. If she's mean to you, it's just going to make things worse. If she's nice to you, she runs the risk of leading you on again. So the only other option is 'no contact.'

    When I was in college, a few girls I dated just "disappeared" on me. Wouldn't return calls, avoided me. It'd leave me feeling bad "what did I do?" But down the road I would learn something was going on with them - they reconnected with an ex, weren't ready to come out of the closet, were still in the bi now gay later phase, etc...

    Which is a very long way of saying - don't put all of this on yourself. She had a part in it, too. You made mistakes, she made mistakes, it turned into a mess. The PMS thing was a turning point, but you don't know if she has an history that contributed to all of this.

    I also agree with you about the one night stand thing. I don't have an issue if consenting adults want to have casual sex. Be it one night stands, hook ups, fwb, open relationships, what have you. Just so long as everyone knows what is happening and everyone is a consenting adult. I personally am a monogamous type, but I don't think that should be imposed on everyone else.
     
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