Another Straight Girl Crush

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Jenna, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. Jenna

    Jenna Member

    Aug 7, 2013
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    Ok so here goes. I tend to get crushes that are terrible for me and this is probably no exception. I met this chick at my grad school orientation. One of my friends introduced me to her (we are all in the same program). She is quirky and intelligent and reserved and sweet. A lot of the things I look for in partners. I immediately was drawn to her and got "vibes" back.

    So classes started up a little over a month ago and I got to know her better. She was kind of playful with me and even a bit flirty. We had this sort of witty banter and seemed to make each other laugh a lot. I added her on Facebook and noticed she had a lot of pro-LGBT stuff on her wall. I also started noticing she wears equality t-shirts/has rainbow stickers/etc. When I put all this together, I thought she might be into me, or at least not straight.

    So a few weeks ago I was supposed to meet her for coffee and we ran into another girl from our program. The three off us had this really long talk at the coffee shop and got into a lot of personal stuff. I made a comment about needing a counselor who is LGBT friendly and A (we will call her) asked my sexual orientation. I told her I identify as queer. Later in the convo, the other girl asked A how she identifies. She looked right at me and said "i'm straight as an arrow. yeah..completely straight".

    So obviously I was disappointed. At this point I had already decided she was flirting with me so I was still thinking I might have a chance even after she said that. The next week she and I went for coffee by ourselves and had a long talk about stuff. I said some other girl was hot and A said "I'm not attracted to women, but she is pretty". I thought it was interesting that she felt the need to clarify her orientation, especially since she seems to be very pro-LGBT. Her behavior indicated she was uncomfortable with her sexuality.

    So I thought I was probably reading too much into things, but I still was super into her. Fast forward to this past weekend. She and I have been texting a lot. We send each other pictures of our dogs and some days text both before we go to bed and when we wake up in the morning. I know a lot about her, including the fact that she has a pretty bad addiction that she is actively struggling with. A group of us from the grad program decided to go to a festival together on Sunday. It was me, A, and another girl. So we were all hanging out and me and the other girl started making jokes about lesbian stereotypes. We were just messing around and were talking about how lesbians have short nails for "certain reasons". That was literally all we said. Well, A got really upset and told us to stop it and we were making her really uncomfortable. We were just being silly and kept it going, though it was not graphic at all. I was like "I prefer the pinky" and the other chick was like "i personally like the thumb". A got so upset she got up and left. I thought it was super weird.

    Again, she is supposedly very comfortable with LGBT stuff and i don't get why our joke freaked her out so much. I am hoping it's because she is questioning her orientation, but I know that isn't my business and i need to listen to what she is saying. So at this point I am just having major crush feelings and wanting to talk to her all the time. I have fantasies and dreams about her. I'm definitely a bit obsessive. So this AM she texted that she had a really bad night and had sort of a mental health breakdown. Today at school I hung out with her and we just kind of joked and she was like "I know you might think this is weird, but I love you" and I said it back and we laughed about it. I also told her she looked cute. She seemed to be bashful about my compliment. So that is where things stand. And I know evidence is not in my favor. I guess the reason for this entry is because I am not sure what to do.

    I feel guilty about getting close to her because I am attracted to her, rather than wanting to be her friend, especially when she badly needs support. I don't know if I should tell her or just back off. She honestly really needs support right now and I'm the only one she told about some of the stuff that is going on with her. I have offered a lot to be there for her and she knows I like her, but I don't think she knows I "like her like her". So yeah, do y'all think there's any chance she is interested? Even if she was, it's not a good time for her to be in a relationship while she is having problems with addiction. Is it bad for me to be friends with someone and have "ulterior motives"? Thanks for reading.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Say away from an addict with mental health problems.


    She needs stability in her life right now, not a roller coaster of a new relationship. She needs to focus on getting some solid sobriety, not jump into a messy 'maybe I am not so straight' thing.

    And you don't need to take on someone with an addiction issue, mental health problems and y'know, saying she is straight and all.

    Go meet some available, gay, not addict girls. Get some distance from this girl. Let her work on her issues. And protect yourself.
    rainydaze and greylin like this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Some people don't like sex jokes. Thinking about your preferences for what you like it in your vagina is evidently not her kind of humor, and I think you should be careful about what you think is "no big deal." She asked you to stop and you didn't, and so she left, which is a pretty responsible way to care for yourself when people are making you uncomfortable.

    Some people use the word "love" with their friends. Some people are desperate for connection, especially when they are struggling with mental health and addiction and their needs for care seem vast and unfillable. I think that she perceives your interest in her, and she is interested in you - but to be a support system and scaffold to get her through this. I think that a girlfriend is not a crutch or a therapist, and that for you to push your interest would be taking advantage of someone who is struggling.

    I think that people can be straight and LGBT friendly, questioning and LGBT friendly, closeted and LGBT friendly, and it's still kindest and most respectful to listen to what they say about themselves first and base your decisions on that. I have had friends who were HELLA closeted and super obvious, but it is rude to dismiss someone's understanding of themselves in favor of yours.

    I think that when your friend discloses a mental health crisis, you should help her make an appointment at counseling services/with her therapist if she has one. Flirting is great, but it does not provide her with the professional support to get through this. See above: a girlfriend/friend is not a crutch or a therapist, and for you to use her vulnerability to push your interest (tell her she's cute and you love her) when she is reaching out for help is taking advantage of someone who is struggling. (I know you are doing this accidentally, and you are not intentionally using her mental health. But I speak from experience, as someone who is depressed/severely anxious: sometimes people connect with people like me, who desperately want connection, and it fills the empty space temporarily and we can't say no. But it does not solve the problem or build self-support or address the deeper need, and I have been terribly hurt by people who ghosted when they realized that I was connecting out of intense inner need, not the intense crush they felt.)

    I think this relationship, if it were to happen, would ultimately be very hard and harm you both, and that that is hard to see in the land of desperate crush.

    I think that you should be her friend, if you are able, because friends are good and she could use some. But I think that if you can't think about her friendship without wondering if there could be something more, your should make a decision that respects her preferences, sobriety, and needs, and step back.
    rainydaze, greylin and Bluenote like this.
  4. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

    Jul 8, 2013
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    Wow! You're feedback from others is a lot to digest. I say keep it simple which is tell her the truth. The truth always is the best. Just tell her you are "crushing" on her but you are dealing with it. Don't hope for anything from telling her the truth but she needs to know how she makes you feel. It will only get worse from here for you if you don't. Maybe something will happen between you two, maybe not. If you want to keep you're friendship real you need to be honest or else we all will be reading this thread a year from now and hearing how you are still agonizing over the situation. The attraction, unless discussed upfront, will only grow. Good luck.
  5. Jenna

    Jenna Member

    Aug 7, 2013
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    Hey thanks Canuck8881. Seriously things were getting intense in here lol.

    The story only gets more complicated though. I gave A a ride home Thursday night and she shared with me the reason she had the mental health break down. She has a tumor and, although it's benign, it has grown considerably and she has to have surgery. Due to the location, she may not be able to have children. So obviously she is a wreck right now.

    Things make a lot more sense to me now. She had only told a couple other people about it. Also I'm sure this is related to the fact that she does not feel motivated to work on her addiction right now. I felt honored that she had trusted me enough to open up. When she told me, it Clarified that she is in no place to start a relationship. I'm thinking I can be here to support her and be her friend and in the future maybe something will happen. Who knows? Until then I'm going to try to find someone else to crush on, as was advised.

    Also to other posters: I am in recovery myself so I'm not exactly opposed to being involved with someone with addiction/mental health issues. Not to mention that the Masters program we're in is clinical mental health counseling. Point being I'm no Stranger to her issues and don't see them as a dealbreaker in the least.

    That being said, her actively struggling with the addiction is definitely different than where I am with mine. That, on top of the fact that she identifies as straight, Is substantial evidence that I need to keep my feelings at bay. while a bit too blunt for my taste, the advice given helped me see that A) there are many ways I have not been respecting Her and B) she is not capable of dealing with dating atm. So thanks for that!
  6. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    Jenna -
    Glad to hear you are respecting A's situation more now. I feel like you got some fair and thoughtful feedback though.

    I think you provoked strong responses because you brought up serious issues in your original post. Here's how it read to me. You were:
    -Considering pursuing someone who has stated repeatedly and directly to you that she is Straight! (Just. No.)
    -Pursuing someone who has an active addiction happening (Since you understand addiction and are also in a mental health graduate program, Surely, you already know that this friend is in no shape to start a romantic relationship. period.)
    -Utilizing your support for a friend with physical and mental health issues as a way to start a romantic relationship as a secret agenda? (That is manipulation at it's finest, right?)
    -Talking about sex around someone who has asked you outright not to do so. Ignoring her request and disrespecting/dismissing her boundaries. (btw, I really don't want to know from anyone in my friendship zone, with the exception of the person I am [email protected]&%ing, what digits or objects they do or do not want inside of them. I don't think I am alone in that stance, seriously. I am no prude, I promise. its just more than I need to know from my people).
    -Assuming that people who support our right to live openly, marry, be equal, and who express it on social media must be secretly queer? (That is a big leap, and also a really inaccurate assessment! We have the right to marry because enough straight people agree with us, and voted and advocated, that we should be equal citizens. Thank goodness! and a lot of those straight people are loud and proud about it. Yay! it doesn't mean they want to date us ;))

    Please let go of any and all hope/intent/thought of your friend as a potential romance, now or in the future!
    If you can still be a platonic friend who is supportive, great!
    If you are honest with yourself and find that you cannot, you may need to back off from the friendship.
    If she is hurt by that and questions you, then you possibly could explain that you were developing feelings and needed to back off because it was inappropriate on your part.
    Other than her seeking an explanation, it seems like it would be selfish to disclose your crush, which is basically your problem, not hers. She told you she was straight. She also told you she has a lot going on, so she clearly doesn't need the drama of dealing with your crush, which she did NOT create and did NOT welcome.

    Focus on your studies! Goodness, graduate school? Don't you have enough going on that you don't need to add straight-drunk-girl-with-mental-health-crises-crush to your agenda right now? Stick with studying up for your future profession!

    If you absolutely need to date right now, look for another queer woman who is ready to date! It really is that simple.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
    Bluenote likes this.

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