An Uncomfortable Silence (for me)

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by ThoughtsAnonymous, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. Hello all! I recently posted about this girl I have been talking to online, and this is a continuation of said post. After about a month of messaging on Skype, as well as falling asleep on voice and video chat, I told that I liked her with mixed results. First of all, I hadn't wanted to tell her so soon in the first place, but she was trying to convince me that I would be the perfect match for her brother. So, after trying to avoid telling her why I wasn't interested in her brother, I finally melted and told her that I fancied her. I didn't say I was seriously crushing or anything, but I said something more along the lines of "I think you're great, and cute, and I like you." Her response (thank God) was not terrible. She said that she was still hung up on her ex a bit and that's why she wasn't sure how she felt about me (BUT I'm her type, so that's a plus!). After that, conversation went back to normal, and I was happy.

    However, the past week or so, she's seemed distant, so I approached her about it a few days ago, and she told me that there was just a point where she just needed a break from socialization. She felt horrible about it, but I assured her I was fine and we agreed to not talk for a while. But guys! This really sucks! We literally talked every day for over a month and like that, the line is completely cut. I don't know what to do. I'm worried she won't message me ever again, but at the same time I know that's ridiculous because she's honest and honesty is a big thing for her. What do I do while I'm waiting for her to want to talk again? I'm trying to stay distracted, but then I still end up hoping that's she's sent me a message, and I get let down. I've talked to her more than any other person I've met online, and I feel like we could maybe get somewhere eventually. Do you think this 'space' is her way of saying that she likes me as a confidante, but not necessarily a romantic interest? Are any of you like her, where you need breaks? I'm one of those people that loves talking to the people I like every chance I get, so this is driving me a tad bit crazy. I'm glad that we were able to communicate about it, but it was really disheartening to say goodbye, even if it's just for a while, and I feel a little bit lost.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, because I've never been in this scenario before, and I'm really, really stumped as to what to think or do. Is it okay to send her little notes? Let her know I'm thinking about her? Or should I give her complete silence on my end? She did say to drop in if I'm "excited about something or sad or something bad happens" (her words, exactly, but in a more caring context), but I'm worried I'll just be a bother.

    Please, pleaseee help. I've lost quite a bit of sleep wondering what to do.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like you have it pretty bad for her and she thinks you are great (great enough to be potential family), but she is not in a place to be with someone. I think she needs this break to clear her head and I am suspecting it is not the norm. If it is something she does on the regular then it wouldn't be compatible for you two is it?

    You do need to let it drop for a while and at least let her miss you a little.
     
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  3. A Quick Little Reply (and Update)

    Greylin, thank you so much for replying! I may or may not be a long time fan of your advice (and you'll never drag the truth out of me!!!) :p *Ahem* On with the topic at hand.

    Coming out of relationships are hard, and I would never try to push her into dating me, as I told her when I mentioned that I fancied her. With the communication breaks, I wouldn't say it's common for her, but then again, I haven't really asked. (The thought to ask escaped my mind when we agreed to take a breather.) She mentioned in *that* conversation that she has lost her phone for a month and didn't even really care to look for it because she didn't really feel like communicating with anyone (not even her best friends, mind you!), so I'm hoping the break doesn't really indicate how she *doesn't* or *won't* feel about me. I suppose if it does end up that it is a regular thing for her, I'll deal with our friendship then, but for now I'll probably go with the flow.

    Thankfully, I have found that she doesn't mind little things communication-wise :) We both have tumblrs and she had this list of questions she reblogged and when I sent her a number for a question, she seemed very happy to hear from me. Today was her birthday too, so I sent her a little text at midnight because I'm a cornball that way, and she replied quickly, writing "You are so cute, you texted me at midnight. Thank you so much! <3" So it appears she isn't *sick* of me so much as she is of the constant back and forth that is expected when in a texting or instant messaging conversation. :]
     
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  4. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Hiya, I think this is about her and not about you. It seems that she is like this normally, like she sometimes needs time out from folks. It doesn't mean she is in a bad place or anything I rekon, she just needs some space every now and again. So I rekon, accept that this is what she wants and keep the communication to a minimum. The odd text or whatever, that doesn't require an immediate response is fine, but too much could be interpreted as 'pressure' when she wants to take some time out. Like Greylin said, you need to consider if this is something that you can handle in the long run as people who like their space sometimes and people who like to be in regular contact often have trouble understanding each other.

    Eitherway, I don't think you need worry about this, but you are gonna have to find a way not to miss her and fill the void with something else. Also, perhaps in the long run, this space could be good for you too as she seems disinterested in anything more serious than friendship, and this time will give you the opportunity to disconnect somewhat.
     
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  5. Thank you, Moses!

    I agree, and that's what I've assumed from the beginning (although it probably sounds like I'm trying to make it about me, which is not my goal). I'm being very careful with "odd" messages and such-I've only sent her the one text message and made sure to keep the conversation short, as well as just one ask. I don't plan on talking to her again while she's on time-out (unless something bad happens, in which case I'll keep it short) because I'm one of those people that is terribly afraid of being overbearing and such. Pressure is the last thing I want her to feel, because I've been in that situation and it really sucks.

    It's weird, because even though I'm finding that absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder, I'm also thinking about ways to move past her in the future. Although she is wonderful, I'm not sure if 'waiting for her to grow feelings for me' is a wise decision (Been there, done that. It's never worked out). I suppose I'm just going to let the wind take me where it goes :)
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    ThoughtsAnonymous, I might or might not have had a hard time getting my big head through the door after your update, but you certainly have made my day. ;)

    I am glad that being in touch has brought you some relief and (from your response to Moses) that you won't just wait around for her. You sound like someone who has clarity of mind but you just got anxious when this lady imposed a break. Moses was right that this space probably is good for you in the long run. Good luck!
     
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  7. Update <3

    After a couple weeks of on and off messaging, we're back to talking everyday and it's so nice! It seems that somewhere along the way a barrier was broken and if possible we're even more open with each other, whether it be when we goof off or we're talking about her problems with her ex. Also, it seems that we're both very serious about meeting each other sometime(s) soon during the school year as we'll be only four hours away from one another, and I greatly hope it all works out.

    We've been flirting quite a lot as well, but I hesitate in saying anything about how she feels about me. I think there might be something there, but since her ex, she has said she doesn't want to declare feelings for anyone until they meet in person (so she knows they don't just see her as a non-permanent fling). I completely understand where she's coming from, although I haven't held that constitution up for myself.

    That's really all I have to say at the moment, due to the fact that I figured I'd leave this thread off on a high note and I didn't want to go into all of the mushiness that are my feelings at the current time :) I may or may not update again, but thanks for all of your help, Greylin and Moses, in keeping me sane!
     
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  8. Twizzler

    Twizzler Active Member

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    Hey ThoughtsAnonymous, I'm glad to hear that things are going better between the two of you! Wish you the best! (I didn't post before cause I don't think I had any useful advice lol)
     
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  9. Re: So long for hoping

    Hey all: after a few more blissful weeks of flirting and talking, any chance, I believe, of us ever being a 'thing' are gone. A few days ago, an anon on her blog asked her if she liked anyone, and she replied yes, but her description was of someone at her school. Confused and somewhat hurt, I texted her about an hour later (it took me that long to go through revising my message over and over until I was somewhat satisfied with it), asking her to finally tell me that she didn't like me, and said other things as well (I need her to bring me back to reality so I can only see her as a friend, I'm not going to be complaining about being friendzoned, etc, etc.). Unfortunately, she didn't tell me what I wanted her to, and yet it still hurt (and hurts me) to hear it. Part of her reply was "I know what you must be feeling now and I do think you're fantastic but because of distance I think I just want to stay friends, if you still want to. You're a fantastic friend and I'm sorry I took it for granted." (I added that second sentence in so you could understand how good of a person she is—although I definitely don't think she took me for granted). We went on further into discussion on the topic, and several times she apologized for flirting, saying things like "I should have treated you better" or "I feel really awful now. I should have been more explicit." So basically, it would seem as if any attraction she had for me was a figment of my imagination. But the "distance" thing was bothering me, and now it's bothering me even more, because at one point, I was assuring her that I didn't hate her or resent her, and she went back to the topic, saying "I know but ahh. You're really sweet and a lot of it is the distance. It's not you at all."

    But at least a little bit of it has to be me, right? She didn't say everything was distance. She said a lot of it was. It was bugging me, so I asked her what she meant, and she replied "I dunno. I act differently around you than other people because you're very clean? If that makes sense?" I understood what she was trying to say, and I ended the discussion on the topic there (because I had promised to out of my own wish to stop talking about it). So it has to be partially me, right? She's usually very open around her friends, as well as (I suppose) more vulgar? (I don't think that's the word I want to use but I can't think of another) I really wouldn't care if she acted that way around me (vulgarity wise), because I can be like that too, with the right people, and it's not as if I act like an innocent child. So what if she's only telling part of the truth? What if she doesn't like me like that at all, and just said distance to make me feel better? Her saying that only makes me hope that something could eventually happen (naive and idiotic, I know, trust me), so why not just state once and for all that she's not interested? Or is she, and she's just concerned that if we got together, it'd be a waste of time because she acts differently around me? I used to think that acting differently around someone really wasn't a bad thing, but I guess she thinks differently?

    It's all so confusing and complicated and muddled. I know I should give up on even thinking about her more fondly than friends do, but I can't help but want to keep a little piece of her in my heart for a later time, as if the timing is just off because she's going to school fours hours away from me and it would be that way for at least another three years. Again, foolish, I know. But do you ever get a feeling that someone is inevitable? That one way or another, something is going to happen between you and them someday, whether for better or for worse, and you want to see it through?

    There's a lot on my mind about this subject right now, and more than ever I feel like some pathetic romantic. Sorry for all of the questions, this is kind of a vent as well as a call for advice/help. Take the questions as you will, whether that be rhetorical or literal.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It is possible that it could be a right person wrong time thing. However, the feeling I get from this is that she wishes she could have feelings for you but she couldn't. She doesn't know what it is, and calling it distance makes it an easier and more tangible thing to explain. It is good that she apologizes for flirting and giving you false hope. One might jump to the conclusion that she flirted simply because your attention makes her feel good, but I think she was probably flirting to see if there is something there.

    Have you had someone who is very perfect for you but you just don't feel it. I think that is probably the case for her. I can tell over and over that she thinks you are just wonderful. She is probably wondering herself why she feels the way she does.

    I am sorry this didn't work out. I hope you find the one who is truly passionate for you and suits you.
     
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  11. Thank you Greylin

    Thanks for responding, first of all, Greylin! As much as I'd like it to be right person wrong time, your second thought seems much more likely, and makes her response make more sense to me. Also, I do think she was flirting to see if something was there, because she is one of those people that isn't a big fan of flirting just for the hell of it. Also, she knew beforehand that I liked her, from a few times of me explicitly saying so (because apparently I'm downright awful at making my affections clear any other way than the direct way, as she told me), and she isn't one to lead others on intentionally without purpose, I believe. (In this case testing out her own feelings) We're staying "open and close" as she put it, but I can't blame her for being rather distant the past few days, as I have needed some distance myself as well so that I can gather my thoughts together and stop breaking down at little reminders of her or our situation.

    I've never had that experience before (I don't even really have any experience to begin with), but I know what you mean. Now this is just my hopefulness popping in, but do you think feelings can change? Particularly when meeting in person? We're still considering meeting up, but it's less definite now than it was, and I can't help but hope that it'll make a difference. Granted, it's not like I would make a move or anything unless I was sure, but there are so many factors that are affected when you actually see someone and are around someone in real life that Skype doesn't do justice to.

    Ideally I'm going to try and find someone new in college when I head off in a week and a half, but who knows? There are 7 billion people on this earth and I'm sure a lot of weirder things have happened!

    Thank you for your sympathy, and I hope the same as well for you, if you haven't found someone already. :)
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would definitely meet just for the halibut. With no expectations (but you will). Try to do a limited thing like coffee and see where it goes. I like museums, it is a meandering thing where you can hear each other and you can leave any time. Make sure you have something else to do if it does not get anywhere at all. It is weird meeting in person sometimes, it might even go the opposite way where you find her boring. Good luck to you in college!
     
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  13. I would try to do a limited thing, but when we talked about it originally, it was understood that whoever visited would have to stay over night (or they'd be traveling all day and be tired and it'd be awful). I know we both love, museums, and I actually get free passes to certain museums, so I had actually thought of that already :D We might party too, depending on if there is anything going on, but as she said, we have plenty of time to figure all that visiting stuff out :)
    Thank you! I'll take as much luck as I can get!
     
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  14. Re: Not an update, but also kind of an update

    Sadly, I'm back. I'm not sure if it's for advice or consolidation, but here I am, thanks to Saturday night. Saturday morning, I texted her, asking if she as feeling better from the previous day (she had described herself as sickish), and she said she wasn't, so I joked with her a little about it and then we stopped texting quickly thereafter. She told me she had a choir thing and then was going to party, so I figured I wouldn't hear from her for the rest of the day (but I will admit I hoped I would). It was around one in the morning when I went to take a shower (what can I say? I'm a night owl!!), and when I came back into my room, there were two missed phone calls from her left not five minutes ago. I was surprised, because until that point, we had never called each other on the phone, but I called her right back. I'm pretty sure she hit the ignore or end button or something because it went straight to voicemail, but I left a message anyways along the lines of "Hey, I see you called, just wondering why. I hope everything's all right, blah blah blah awkward bye." Obviously that's not verbatim, but you get the point. Next thing I know, she texts me saying "Sorry about that"—nothing more—so I ask her if she butt dialed me, and she just replied "Drunk call." So. It's 1:30 a.m., she's drunk and she called me. Okayyyy. She's never drunk dialed me before, so I suppose I was a little confused as to why it was me she dialed. Nonetheless, I assured her that she could call me again if she wanted to talk, and she just replied "I'm sad though." Of course I asked her why, and then she called me again. I answered, but she didn't say anything (I said hello at least five times), so I hung up, only to have her call again. I could clearly tell that she was crying, and the way she said hi was so tiny and vulnerable I could have cried too. (I almost did, but I held it together like a champ) I think I asked her to talk about whatever was bothering her, but she was crying a lot so I just told her to cry until she was tired, and said an occasional "It's okay" or "It's alright" while I literally just stared up at my ceiling in the dark.

    Finally she sort of stopped crying, and so I asked her little things like if she was tired, or in bed, or alone, etc., and I eventually got her to get into bed to go to sleep. She apologized a few times—I'm guessing for calling me—and then given the choice, stayed on the phone with me until she fell asleep (the other option being to hang up). I hung up about forty five minutes after she called me, and then couldn't sleep for another couple of hours or so because my mind was in overdrive.

    The next morning, I woke up to a text from her apologizing again, and I assured her everything was alright. We talked a little bit about it and later that day I asked her why she was crying, and she didn't have a solid reason. She said something along the lines of thinking of things she's said and done in the past and left it at that.

    I've talked vaguely about it with my friends, but they didn't really give any advice (or the person I was most specific with didn't), and when I asked my best friend about why people drunk call other people crying, she said it was because they depend on the callee (I'm shocked that that is a word). Does the girl I like actually depend on me? Is there actually something there? I know she texted at least one other person and they got mad at her for texting so late, but there must have been someone else she could have called, right? Don't get me wrong, I'm not annoyed or unhappy that she called—quite the opposite, actually—but why? Do you think this has anything to do with our conversation earlier in the week? Or is it really just that she felt she has no one else to talk to? GAH. I don't think I've ever had this much emotional confusion in my life before, and it's really getting to me.

    Sorry for all of the angst in this post...and thread...in my defense, I'm still a teenager!
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Your best friend was right on the money. You only call someone like that when it is someone you think you can depend on. I remember when there were a few dark times that I went through and I had called someone in the wee AM and it wasn't someone I was necessarily close to or interested in (like at all) but someone I knew would and could help. It just means, that you are one hell or a genuine article and I would not read anything romantic into this at all.

    Also, I was thinking, she said on the get go you would be perfect for her brother. Unless she was just trying to figure out your sexuality, usually there are only two reasons I can think of when someone think someone is good for another person:

    1. She is not interested in you but she thinks the world of you.
    2. She is not available but she thinks the world of you.

    I wish I could give you more hope that she likes you romantically, but I don't think she feels that connection. If I were you I would put this glimmer of hope away about her because it is simply can't be fun for you and for her to feel that pressure of fearing that she would lead you on if she advanced your friendship further.
     
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  16. Thanks (and apparently more venting/rambling)

    First of all, Greylin, thank you very much for spending time replying to pretty much every post on this thread—I've always respected your opinions and views, so I know I can trust your judgement (even if I really don't want to because the truth hurts).

    Granted the thing with her brother was before she really knew how she felt about me, and during the time where she was still on and off with her ex (who she now just wants out of her life), but I see your point, and I suppose it could have been an early "warning" sign I just chose to ignore.

    With the phone call, I didn't really think it was romantic, I was mostly wondering if she had unspoken thoughts/feelings about our conversation on whatever day it was last week (maybe it really wasn't distance at all and she truly just doesn't like me or as you said she doesn't feel anything for me and feels bad about it). Of course I had a tiny shred of hope but really, I know nothing will happen. I guess I needed to vent and talk about it because I hadn't gone in depth with talking to anyone else about it and it confused me even if I weren't thinking about it from a romantic perspective. But of course, her knowing that I like her also confused me as to why she would call, you know? If I were in her position, I'd try not to rely on that person in any way until I was sure they were okay and on the way to moving on. I'm not angry, and I still think she is a wonderful person, but I also feel a little used. I know we agreed to remain friends and be open and close—I know I agreed to that. But I'm still really hurting. And her calling me like that and then telling me in the morning that I was perfect (in regards to helping her) and the best and fantastic really just messed with my head because they make me hope that she'll look back on it and finally like me. And it makes me sad because that won't happen, but I want it to happen way too much.

    I really only came on here to reply to you and agree halfheartedly, so again, I apologize for getting distracted from my original intention. With regards to her feeling concerned that she will be leading me on in the future, I really don't think it will be a problem. Although it seems I'm horrible here at keeping my thoughts and words in check, I know how to keep them in check around others—especially if I don't want them worrying about leading me on. We spoke today and it was fun, as it almost always is! In the future I'll try not to read into this kind of stuff, but I have just never had anyone call me like that, and I needed to make sure I was right in assuming she just needed someone to talk to, I suppose.

    It must be exhausting hearing me vent all of my thoughts on here all of the time, so thanks for reading and responding, and I'll try not to post anything more unless it's really, really happy or a really direct question that doesn't slowly devolve into yet another venting session :p
     
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Dear TA, all anything I say here is guesswork, the early warning thing wasn't something that I had thought about till last night. Venting is good for you, and I think it helps people to write their thoughts down and go through that exercise to come to a decision or come to terms with their decisions. For some, this is space away from the situation where you can work out your feelings without RL people crossing your path getting into your business. Whatever you choose to do, I encourage you to vent to a friend, here or somewhere else that you might find helpful.

    I am sorry my assessment was ouchy. I wish I knew how to say it better. I also am sorry you felt used but it sounds like she has no one else who would give her that feeling of care like you do. Again, I want to emphasize it is a testament to your good character. When you do find someone, it is something I can be plenty sure you will, you will probably look back at this and see it in a different light.

    -g- a.k.a *gasbag*

    P.S. Feel free to set limits, as in any relationships, on what you feel you can do for and with her. Your feelings are important. You should not feel like you have to or hurt from doing something nice for her. Please take care. :)
     
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  18. An Update

    First of all, I'd like to thank you, Greylin, for your last response (I just didn't respond until now because I didn't know what to say!!) But your advice and guidance has always been sound, so trust me when I say I took it to heart. :)

    But on to other things! After my last post, we yet again managed to spring right back into the swing of things, texting almost everyday, and staying close emotionally (there were several instances of long text messages about things that have been difficult in our lives). I think staying so open really helped me 'heal' so to say from the heartbreak that occurred a few posts ago, but in the 'I still like you' (at this point I am so, so tempted to say the other 'l' word that isn't 'lesbian,' but I will refrain), kind of way, and not the 'I only see you as a friend now' way. Several times she said things that really made me feel special for being there, mainly because her friends weren't necessarily as supportive or understanding, and so that definitely made me feel better about myself, haha. It also made me appreciate that I am in her life.

    Once I finally got to school, communication was a little difficult at first, mainly because I was terribly busy and so was she, and we've slowly fallen into a comfortable pattern of texting every few days, even if it's just to see how the other is doing briefly before going to sleep (aka me). A little while after being here, I was texting her and mentioned I missed her (a little hesitantly, because it seems odd to miss someone you've never met), and she replied saying that she had missed me as well, and had been planning to text me that day anyways! That really made me smile, and then she suggested calling each other sometime soon, so we did a few days later, and it was really nice to just talk about school and everything with her :3 Unfortunately she had to go because she was outside on the phone and it was cold, but it was still about an hour that we talked. I had suggested her coming down this weekend to go to the huge gay block party in a gay area of the city, but the ticket from her school to mine was too much for such a short amount of time, so we left it at that, planning to meet some other time. (Because she wanted to meet me as well, thank goodness!) She said she might be getting a ride to her home this weekend, but it didn't seem as if any plans would follow through for us meeting up :/

    That is, however, UNTILLLLL this past week! On maybe Monday or so, she was talking about how she wanted to meet my friend from here, as well as me, and I brought up some dates that were right after winter break where there was a layover in our schedules, but then she suggested that I go visit her for a day! What is probably helpful to know is that she lives near a big city about two hours by bus from my school, and she could have come and stayed with me, but she was afraid to talk to her mom about coming down here (her mom isn't big on the whole 'internet friends' thing and knew she had a friend from my city thanks to her older sister being a little creeper/sleuth).

    In the end, I went up to see her yesterday! It was honestly really amazing, and I felt like in person, it was even more natural. She even agreed with me! The initial meeting was a littleeee awkward, but honestly, when aren't they? And even then, I swear it was really adorable. She was kind of lost (we took a weird bus company that was surprisingly nice and clean), and I was kind of spaced out waiting for her (I was also a little nervous to look around), and next thing I know, my friend pokes me in the side and asks if the girl on the phone across the street squinting at us was her! You can just imagine how quickly I whipped around to see lol. I swear though, it was honestly like a hilarious hallmark moment. After I spun around and realized it was her, I swear to you I probably lit up so much I looked like a Christmas tree! And then of course the crossing sign was red for tow minutes so we just kind of awkwardly waited for it to change before she walked across hahaha :p She got over and said a few things (I don't remember, probably something about getting lost idk) and then I was just like 'c'mere I wanna hug you!' And we hugged and she's like that perfect height where it wasn't awkward or anything it was just perfect, even if it was brief :3

    After that, we walked around the city all day, but that's going to be a story for another day! (Probably tomorrow lol) I'm running on little sleep because I had to catch the bus there at 7:15 and got up at 5:45 and didn't go to bed last night until 1:30 so I'm really tired now D:

    I hope you enjoyed a (finally) happy post! More to come soon, I promise!
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    hahhaha, TA, that was quite a first impression! And how timely and seasonal the way you lit up! *g* Can't wait to hear the rest of your story. Thanks so much for the update. :)
     
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  20. An Update: Part Two!

    G—no problem! It's honestly the only way I could think of describing it accurately xD

    Clearly it's been more than a day since my last post but don't worry! I still remember quite the majority of the day's events. SO. After we hugged and I introduced the girl I like (who I'm gonna call R) to my friend who came with me, she asked where we wanted to go, and since we met up in NYC, we agreed to just kind of wander for a little bit before deciding :) After walking for a few minutes, R proposed we go visit a cute little park and so we took the subway and looked around for a few minutes as R kind of gave us a very brief overview of the park (it was small so the overview was minimal and hilariously cute because she was just like 'This is Bryant Park! There's a thing over there, and some chairs over there and yep') She was a little bit flustered, I think, but it was endearing c: After the park, we went on a little walking adventure to find Rockefeller Center, which took us past one parade in the making, as well as ensembles of dapper children (I wasn't paying attention to where we were walking and so all of a sudden R was like consistently hitting/poking my arm to look at the herd of cute kids...which just made her even cuter I swear to god help). We went to Rockefeller and my friend made a beeline for the Pokemon store so we went there and looked around for a good half an hour, forty-five minutes. R and I stayed pretty close together and looked at all the cute little stuffed animals and it was pretty funny because we would pick up certain ones and label them as our spirit animals (she chose like the bad assiest one for herself...of course :3 ). Once we were finished up at the Pokemon store, we went to find Times Square (I know, I know, we're such tourists) and while walking there, I saw a dead bird right in front of R so I kind of pulled her away from it towards me and for a minute she was confused but when I pointed the corpse out to her she got all sad and kind of burrowed???? Into me/my side??? As you can guess my brain stopped functioning and it took a little bit after that to come back down from cloud eleven to safely land on cloud nine. :3

    When she broke away a few seconds later, she made mention of 'the awkwardness back there,' but I just brushed it off because it definitely wasn't awkward for me aha. After 'the bird scene' though, R became even more touchy—or so I thought! I have a really bad habit of not paying attention to where I'm walking, so several times I was apparently in the way or going the wrong way or not moving fast enough so R would kind of move me out of the way or push me to walk faster :p I did it back though, as she mentioned later, so apparently we were even, haha:) Of course, every time she me, I'd end up back on cloud eleven. Can you blame me?? I mean, a cute person—that I like—constantly physically moving me when she could just say where to go/what to do?? Who wouldn't be on cloud eleven? Also I'm really graceful so every time I almost hit the ground tripping on pavement edges that stuck out, she'd reach out and lightly grab my arm to make sure I was okay, so that was juuusttt as uplifting.

    At some point we made the decision to go to Central Park, and we ended up getting lost there for the majority of the day, and we were all exhausted from getting up early, so we stopped a few times and sat in somewhat peaceful areas to just kind of soak everything in (such as meeting each other, finally). At some point I made a joke about still being chubby from when I was little (I literally had little chub folds in the middles of my forearms when I was like two) and she playfully swatted my arm and protested. Instances like that really made me wonder if she was flirting (I have had no experience with real life flirting!! Excuse me if I'm extremely wrong in my assumptions), and I even asked my friend who came along what he thought, and being the good wingman he is, he mentioned wandering away a few times because she was being so flirty. I didn't even notice he left, so clearly I am fairly naive (but I definitely have no opposition to the thought of her flirting with me. Nope none whatsoever.) :)))

    After leaving Central Park, we all agreed to go get coffee somewhere, and so we found this little diner place and ordered. It was really funny because she ordered just plain coffee and accidentally added wayyy to much sugar so she added even more milk to compensate and it just didn't seem like it was working as she had hoped. Actually it was adorable because at one point, I got my coffee (which was much fancier than I anticipated...oops) and I saw her looking at it so I offered for her to try it and she had the cutest little grin on!! Maybe this isn't important at all but she sipped right from where I did and then I did the same :p I know, so mature of me to consciously do it. (She might have too though, so who knows?)

    By the time we finished coffee, it was time to head back to the bus station, and so we got on the very crowded subway and had to hold on to each other's arms to not fall and die (also we were by the door which we couldn't lean on ugh). Being the suave (this is said ironically, I am definitely not suave) little shit I am, I suggested we linked arms and I swearrrr she got as close to me as she could :3 So that was great. We had a ways to go down the line so the train eventually emptied out enough for us to sit and there was plenty of room but we sat so that our sides were touching hehe:) That might have been me initializing, but she didn't seem to mind! At some point I was really tired so I quickly put my head on her shoulder and she gave me this little head pat that was way too cute.

    Once we got to the bus station, we had to wait around a little while for the bus to actually get there and start loading, so R stayed with my friend and I until the bus got there, and I kept nudging her shoe with mine so at one point I got a little carried away and almost fell over. But we were already talking about potential times to meet up again and when I had to leave, she gave me a really long, tight hug and all I could think about was all of the things we had spoken about that were painful and how meaningful this hug was to me. I mean, we have been through a lot just emotionally, and I have helped her out a lot with things in her life, so it kind of felt like that hug was a thank you as well as a goodbye (for now, hopefully!). As a side note, just as she was walking away, she patted me on the head and I couldn't just let her pat me on the head and walk away so I was like "hey no! I get to pat you on the head too!" and I did and she laughed and you all probably think I'm actually twelve and the biggest dork in middle school. But that was the visit! We haven't spoken too much since because school and all, but we did talk about the visit a little and she mentioned how natural it felt, and I couldn't agree more.
     
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