Am I to harsh?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Bazinka!, Jul 18, 2015.

  1. Bazinka!

    Bazinka! New Member

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    A while ago, I broke of contact with an old college friend, or maybe she broke of contact with me, I guess you could also say that. Now however, I am wondering if I was not to harsh in deciding not to contact her ever again.

    So at first we were talking regularly, shared classes, were messaging each other talking about plans for the weekend, etc. Anyways, she had at some point troubles with writing her thesis, and being the person I am, I ofcourse said to her I could have a look at it and give her some corrections. That I did, and I must say I spend quite some hours on it, despite the fact I was quite busy myself (I think I have looked over more than 20 versions of that thesis, really!). After a while I started noticing that almost all the contact we had mainly resolved around her. For example when she would message me asking how I was doing and what I did in the weekend, and I answered, she would never ask me further (except if we were talking about college). The rest of the conversation was always about her. And of course she kept asking me for favors, but almost never thanked me for anything.

    So I guess you could say that when this continued for a half year, I started feeling like she didn’t really value me as a person. I had the feeling she couldn’t handle it when something positive happened to me, and not to her (for example when I got high marks or got a good job immediately after college and she didn’t). I am not a person that gets jealous easily at all, I always wish the best for everyone, so I was quite suprised by her behavior. And you can say, that I also felt quite used. I really don’t mind helping a friend out, but with her, I really got the feeling that was all I ever did. Everytime she would contact me, I started to get more and more cranky and I think she noticed this to as we had some small disagreements. So after a while, I decided to not help her the way I used to anymore and not contact her for a while. So we hadn’t talked in maybe a month or so, when she messaged me if I could look over a speech. When I saw that, I thought, are you kidding me?!!! However, I still decided to help her a bit out and gave her some tips in how she could improve. And I never talked to her again (she never replied and I never send her a message again).

    In a way I am wondering if I was wrong in deciding to cut of contact, but on the other hand I am like, if she is the one leaving it like this, it is clear she was never my friend to begin with. Mainly using me for her own benefit. So what do you think? What would you do? Also leave it like this?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Please be at peace that your instincts about her is correct. If it does not make you happy to be in this friendship then it is good to set the limit on the contacts. It is not harsh at all. With that limit in mind, I hope you can look back on the things you have done for her as something nice that you have done for someone, even though it was someone who didn't turn out to be a friend you would want to have.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She's not really a friend. Friends do stuff together and have things in common. She is more like a classmate who calls up for free editing.

    I say ditch doing free editing. Your response is not too harsh, you have to take care of yourself and spend your efforts on real friends.
     
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  4. mavislove_17

    mavislove_17 Member

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    Honesty I would leave it like this. You weren't harsh at all! Hell, my best mate helps me to edit stuff all the time and I ALWAYS Thank Her! I even help her when she needs help, and let her know if she should add something. That is what a real friendship is, you help each other and you always let them know how thankful you are that they took the time to help you!

    Also if you get that feeling of "God what now" when you see a message from her, then you already know in your gut that she is only contacting you when she needs something that would benefit her.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    In this life, there are givers and takers. She's a taker -- almost a parasite. Gladly availing herself to whatever you can provide her and giving you nothing in return. That's NOT friendship because friendship is a two-way street, so-to-speak. Sure..sometimes in friendships one person gives more than the other..and sometimes we need our friends more than our fair share..but in the end, it should balance out. If I asked someone to edit something for me -- my response would not only be a thank you but perhaps buying a bottle of wine and taking that friend to dinner to show my gratitude.

    Don't be mad at yourself for being a kind, giving, and generous person. Stay true to who you are -- but recognize that you're entitled to have friendships that are reciprocal. Be discriminating. Choose to have people in your life that would do for you and go the extra mile like you would for them.

    I would not contact her, and NO, you were not too harsh.
     
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  6. chia

    chia Member

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    I stopped reading at "The rest of the conversation was always about her. And of course she kept asking me for favors, but almost never thanked me for anything."

    What kind of person never say thank you after they got help from others, She's definitely not worth your time..
    You were not harsh and from your story it's a kind of relationship that doesn't give you any positive benefits at all after all of the efforts that you gave to her, if I were you I will also ditch her for good :)
     
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  7. Bazinka!

    Bazinka! New Member

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    Thank you very much for your comments! :) I absolutely agree, this is not a way for a friend - or even classmate - to act. I have often helped other class mates and friends out when they had troubles with a thesis or something else. They have helped me with things in return, were always appreciative of my help and time as I also always was of theirs. She clearly doesn't belong to this group of people. She seemed quite nice in the beginning, even brought cake to class for my birthday and was the one initiating contact outside of class before I started helping her out. Although I don't necessarily regret helping her, it is clear she took advantage of me.

    I am very glad I do not talk to her anymore, I also don't feel the need to. However I did feel bad about myself for acting a bit cranky the before last times we were in touch. For example, she had to write a literature review and I asked her what her topic was. She didn't want to tell me and said something like you can go over it when I finish it and send it to you. I basically replied that in that case she did not have to send it as I probably would not be interested in it anymore. And that was the end of the conversation. A few things more happened like that. I am normally quite a patient person and it is really rare when I lose my temper. Although I was fed up with her behavior, I also believe I am better than treating people like that. It just not the way I am. So I felt a bit guilty and was doubting whether I should ask her how she is doing. I am grateful you guys took away that doubt away from me. I was definitely not happy with the contact we had beforehand , and really don't want to waste my time on someone like her. By contacting her, I would probably start feeling extremely frustrated again.

    I guess you could say I am definitely turning the page and closing the book on her! :)
     
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  8. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    You said the right thing. If she assumed you were going to edit her paper for her, she wasn't your friend. You should have charged her for your services.
     
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  9. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    When I was getting my masters I had a few friends at the school help me with my papers. I ALWAYS thanked them with taking them to dinner, cooking them dinner or buying them drinks, gift cards.. AND our friendship was not revolved around school work. We care about each other and would talk more about what was going on outside of class more so than the papers we were writing. When we worked on projects together we would have to remind ourselves to get back to work and stop chatting about our personal lives. Our texts were usually not about assignments... What was going on with your "friend", doesn't seem like a "friendship" more like a classmate relying on you for help.
     
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