Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by jules4, Oct 14, 2013.

  1. jules4

    jules4 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    I might have really done this the wrong way but I'm not sure. I had been questioning myself for almost a year. Finally I decided to act upon my feelings and went online to meet women. I met a wonderful woman and was very open with her upfront. We have been dating ever since. We are both in our early 30's and she is my first everything. I love her but at times I can't see myself with her and other times can't see myself without her. I keep wondering if I still like men. Other times I keep thinking am I really gay? I'm really struggling with this. Do you think I need to take a break from her in order to figure out me? She is incredible and thoughtful but sometimes we are extremely opposite. It is a great balance but I am a very happy person and her personality isn't at my energy level which makes me wonder if I'm just confused as to who I am and what I want. I am not sure if I am confused by myself and if I'm really gay or if I am confused as to staying in this relationship that I can't live with and can't live without at times. I am not out to my family or many friends. I have a really hard time telling people about my girlfriend. I don't know if I'm afraid to come out or if I am afraid to share my girlfriend with my friends because she isn't someone I would normally date/hang out with. My girlfriend does pressure me with certain things. She wanted to move in with me a few months ago and I told her that I'm not out yet so moving in with me wouldn't be a great idea. She got mad but then moved beyond it.
    I'm so confused as to what I should do. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone I love. Sometimes I feel like I've been hanging onto this relationship because I just don't want to hurt her because I know she isn't friends with any of her ex's and she is a wonderful person I wouldn't want out of my life. Any advice from anyone? I'm not sure what I should do. Probably should seek therapy :)
     
    #1
  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2013
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    2
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    yes please do seek therapy it helps!

    does she know u are struggling ?


    as for moving in together, i recommend checking this article out
    http://www.afterellen.com/why-we-u-haul-lesbian-psych-101/10/2013/


    being gay or not confusion? i was there, I can tell u that i tried to define an attraction or love to myself. A connection, an emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual and physical connection/ attraction. do you feel connected with ur gf? are u attracted to her? do u think u are struggling with the relationship at times because perhaps you haven't accepted that ur gay first? In order for love to fill you up you have to let go and love yourself.

    It is O.K to be able to see urself in a relationship with another man or woman. I also think u maybe grieving losing "straightness" a little bit which is normal and happens to a lot of ppl. u must feel somewhat alone to not be able to share ur love with family and friends and i think that also adds to the stress.

    if the only reason u are staying in the relationship is because u are afraid u might hurt, remember that u are already hurting her by dragging this along. the opposite of that is ur intention but fear makes us run away from the truth.

    i do think therapy is a great idea and self awareness/ self discovery is going to help u understand the whole situation more clearly.

    i would suggest communicating and sharing ur fears/confusions with her. i hope this helped a little bit :)
     
    #2
    Eloise likes this.
  3. rabbitheart

    rabbitheart Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2013
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    0
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    It sounds to me like you may need to really figure out your feelings and try to identify where the doubt is coming from. That''s really something only you can do. However, from what you posted, it sounds to me that the major source of your doubt stems from your worry about whether or not your really gay. To give my two cents, why are you worried about that? Maybe your bisexual and it doesn't really make a difference if you label yourself lesbian or straight -- it just matters that you love the person you are with.

    In the meantime, I would also try to talk about this with your girlfriend. Not only to give her a heads up, but she may be able to quell some of the doubts you are having. Remember, she's probably been there too and has most probably gotten past it -- so she may have some good advice and offer you some insights on outlooks and such. DEFINITELY ask her to stop pressuring you (which is also why you need to have a conversation with her about this). Pressure when one person isn't ready to fully commit can destroy relationships. In reality, once you talk to her about your feelings, and if she decides to work through them with you, you shouldn't feel guilty if it doesn't work out. You both knew the risks and that's just a part of being in a relationship.
     
    #3
  4. Ruby red 71

    Ruby red 71 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2013
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    Thank you as a new to this site and relatively new to being in a relationship with a woman and recognising that I am gay..although it's taken a long time ! ..I am grieving "straightness"... thank you for acknowledging that as a concept :)
     
    #4
  5. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2013
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    2
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    yw! :)

    i didn't personally go through it but I can understand it.
     
    #5
  6. Dahlia

    Dahlia Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2013
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Please give me guidance!

    [embedmov][/embedmov]Hi! I am 14 yrs old. I've always thought I've had an unusual attraction to girls, but I dont really know if I'm still straight. Someone once told me, "even straight people have gay thoughts". I've started to play an online chatting game where you can meet and "date" people (Movie Star Planet) I have started to date some girls on there even though I'm a girl too. I've dated guys on the game too... but I feel different with girls. When I think about sex, I dont really think about which gender I'd like to do it with (both options sound fine) I dont tell my mom these things, and definatly none of my friends. In fact, one of my friends shows a particular dislike in the LGBT community when it is mentioned. She plays Movie Star Planet too, and twice she has seen in my status that I am dating a girl. When she asked both times, I said something like "Come on! You know I like boys! It was an accident." Can someone please tell me who I am?
     
    #6
  7. CCRenay

    CCRenay Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    2
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    You love her right? You are comfortable in the relationship? Stop killing yourself over labels. Gay, not gay -- straight, not straight. Enjoy your time with her, you will never be able to help how you feel.
     
    #7
    golden. and pikatan2 like this.
  8. Meg bayliss

    Meg bayliss Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    im not happy with my relashionships

    So im a 14 year old girl and ive had a few girl friends but i used to date boys but it never felt right. And then i got feelings for girls and i realised i was a lesbian but the relashionships ive had with girls never lasted. And i just want to find someone who
    actually wants me any advice im certain on my sexuality :?
     
    #8
  9. GayGirlNet_com

    GayGirlNet_com Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2013
    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    0
    Re: Am I in love? Am I even gay? so confuse...

    Give yourself some time - take the pressure off and just be yourself!

    GOOD LUCK!!!


    Jane from http://GayGirlNet.com
     
    #9
  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    For all of you who are questioning your sexual orientation, if you were straight you wouldn't be asking if you were gay. We are brought up to believe that being straight is normal, that it's what is expected of us. So, when we start to have feelings for people of the same gender, we want to fight it. We analyze our feelings and wonder if what we are feeling is the same as what straight people feel about others of the opposite gender. We like guys as people and friends, so we assume that we probably would like them in a sexual way when we eventually meet the right guy. We also have eyes so we can see if a guy is attractive, so assume we are attracted to guys.

    Here's some questions to ask yourself. Do you crush on girls, but not guys? Does it make you feel sick to imagine yourself making out with some random guy - someone you don't feel anything for, but who might be interested in you? Have you ever kissed a guy? Did you get the impression that he liked it more than you did? Did it make your stomach turn, and not in a good way? All those things may be an indication that you are not into boys.

    When around some girls do you feel all excited inside? Do you wish you could touch her hair? Do you automatically smile when she walks into a room. Do you fantasize about being with another girl? If so, listen to that because it's telling you that you are really into girls.

    The ultimate test is your first girl-on-girl kiss. It's going to be so different than kissing a guy because you'll get butterflies and your head will swim and you won't want the kiss to end. Even if you're not that into the girl, if you are a lesbian just kissing another girl for the first time is going to make you stop wondering. You'll know for sure and there won't be any turning back.

    If you're currently in a relationship with another female and it's not going so great, and it's your first relationship with someone of the same sex, it might not mean that you aren't gay, but that this isn't the right woman. If you were straight you wouldn't have questioned your sexual orientation to begin with much less actually gotten into a relationship her. It's probably time to end things and find someone you have better chemistry with.
     
    #10
  11. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    Hi Jules,
    Welcome to AE. I hope you stick around and get to know people here as it might be really nice for you to have a place to get used to a 'gay identity' (not that I'm trying to force you into a box or a label, but it seems like you don't have a place in ur real life to express it all that much or have a chance to become comfortable with the idea of what it's like to be something other than straight and a place like this may go a long way towards normalizing it for you...).

    Now onto your problem... Gosh, you have a lot of questions running around in your head eh? Seems like your torn 'Am I? Aren't I? Is she? Isn't she? What da frack am I doing?' etc etc. You must have yourself stressed out a little. So it might help to know that this is perfectly perfectly normal. In the beginning, we all wondered these things, some people wondered for days/weeks/months... others wondered for years... others still will always wonder. Questions are part of our existence. I questioned for years...For the first while it was 'Am I gay? Is this what this is? What about boys? I want to be normal' etc etc. I questioned long after I knew the answer really, which was just me having a fight with myself refusing to admit the obvious. I believe that is called denial. If that happens to you, nip that shit in the bud real quick. You'll only annoy yourself. Anyway,ramble ramble... I digress....

    My point is, that part and parcel of coming to terms with your sexuality/figuring out who you are is questioning, wondering... And a kinda shitty answer is that you'll know when you'll know, but for now you don't know.

    You don't really know for certain if you are gay or not right now...you don't know if that girl is for you or not...you are struggling with a lot of issues that you are trying to get around or resolve or live with. So the answer to your question for now is that you don't know, you may have to live some more and have some more experiences and get to know who you are better.

    And in the meanwhile, throughout your confusion, you will make choices, you will do stuff and you will live and conduct your relationships. The best you can do is try to be as true to yourself as possible with your choices and actions. Try to make choices, not based on fear or shame or trying to please people, but make choices that feel real and true to you, that make you feel good. And those choice will illuminate who you are for you. And the consequences of your choices will make you feel good or bad, which will speak much louder to you in answering your questions about who you are than anything any of us could say or do.

    So try to be yourself as best you can. Try to do stuff that makes you feel good. And try to accept that questions are part and parcel of this process, so if possible give your mind a break from the wondering and just tell yourself that you don't know yet and that's Ok. Cause all this wondering can do your head in and can become a bit of a fixation...So laying down the burden of these questions until you know a bit more might be a great first step. Live it out and see. You've got loads of time :D
     
    #11
    Narley and Nancy like this.
  12. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    64
    EXACTLY what this girl said

    but I do know that some people needs label to understand a certain thing and for me myself, I really appreciate the whole label thing or saying something like well, I'm gay or Straight or anything it makes everything easier (for me).. in certain cases we do know some straight girl who leads you on because they want THAT kind of emotional comfort out of you... I'm not saying the person who posted this is doing that but.. but we all familiar with "straight girl" situation..

    so for me the whole label thing is like.. if you're straight, I'm just goin to seeks friendship out of you and nothing more even if I have feeling for this straight girl, I would try my best not to act on it and respect her/his preference.. I hope it makes sense :D


    And I do feel like you have to understand what you like first before goin any further with anyone, its goin to save you and your partner from any kind of heart ache...

    Good luck

    xx
     
    #12

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice