Am I freako or not ?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Sagan, Jan 25, 2014.

  1. Sagan

    Sagan Active Member

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    Last year, I think it was summer, so it has been over 6 months since I know about this woman. I liked her from the first minutes when I checked her posts. She is around and she will see this, but it doesn't matter. She talked to me a little bit in the beginning and it was enough for me to like her more. I don't want to have her heart in my palms, all I want is to know her, be her friend and I have no clue how someone like me can be her friend, all I know, is that I am able to be what she doesn't expect... if she decided to accept me. Unfortunately, I'm not grown up the way she likes and not trained to make a good impression and be diplomatic, it was never necessary because I've never been in this position, so, I barely got a taste from that chance to prove that I'm an "alright person". I'm a young cave-woman and I can't manage to act more like a grown up woman, because I actually don't like that idea, so I have my ways of knocking on shells of confidence in a bad and wild way and I give this impression of someone unreliable, like, if I can't get through this challenge, then I will not be ready for harder challenges and other reasons that will be obvious if you keep reading to the end. I'm used to more uncommon things and I do them, I don't just brag about me how much I like uncommon and immoral things just to look special.. like most of the people will do and I tried them, they fall with grace in their ignorance. For a short time, I couldn't send her any message, I was really sad, because I tried and tried and tried until I realized this is an obsession. Once I am feeling something, it assures me that stuff gets serious. Every day I think about her, hell, the only precious thing I have is my laptop (third) since I was a child. I'd sell my laptop and buy her favorite drinks for a whole night then make sure she arrives home safe. This is a sacrifice and effort that I wouldn't do it for anyone. I don't know her name or how she looks like, I don't even care. Knowing how she looks like, where she comes from, it doesn't help me in no way to improve a better personality to reach her expectations. I have a different vision for friendship and she's smart enough to see that. I believe she still reads my messages and she showed that in two ways (they were not some coincidences), if she wanted to get rid of me, she knows how to do it. I've been writing to her for months. A while ago, she answered me back a few times, until I had an impulse to tell her to be my friend. From that day, she didn't sent me even a message with air in it. But I keep writing, sometimes non-sense, sometimes what is on my heart, sometimes things that only ignorant people say because I get frustrated, sometimes for the love of hating myself. She keeps this silence for such a long time, that for months I am not expecting anymore from her a message. I am not even looking at the inbox, my eyes goes straight to "Compose message". I feel ok and here comes the reason why I'm posting this.
    I can't see myself on the outside, only two people knows about this, they are my buddies or friends, I am not sure, but they are laid back and they understand me, they find it funny actually and told me to give up but my instincts are louder than everybody I've met in my life. I don't know how others see this, I tried to see this from an objective point of view , through her eyes, but I don't know her well, not at all. There is one conclusion that most people will have : If I don't give up, it looks like I'm annoyingly insisting. I think like this : If I give up, it means that I lost all hopes. I believe it depends on the person and circumstances also. How would you handle this ? I expect that most of you would ask the moderator to wipe me off of the Earthellen's face.
    If someone could make me feel bad about this in front of her eyes, put me on the ground with a truth that I haven't thought about, this would be a double favor : I would leave her alone, cease thinking about her and you would be a heroine.
     
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