Am I expecting too much?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by snufkinfin, Sep 15, 2013.

  1. snufkinfin

    snufkinfin Member

    Sep 15, 2013
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    This is going to be a bit long winded but bear with me.

    I started talking with this woman online on 3rd June. Since then we have literally had a non stop convo. We text all day, we have phone conversations that last hours, we have Skype dates. We both text each other as soon as we wake up in the morning and just before we go to sleep.

    From the beginning we have both been very honest with each other. I was a virgin and at the beginning of this year she was dumped by her girlfriend of 3 years who she was expecting to spend the rest of her life with. She made it clear that she didn't want anything serious as she simply wasn't ready.

    As I felt an instant connection with this woman and didn't want to lose her I suggested we became fuck buddies and just kept it casual. We met up at the beginning of August and spent an incredible weekend at a hotel together where she took my virginity.

    Since then we have seen quite a lot of each other and as we get along so well decided the situation was more friends with benefits than fuck buddies as we don't just meet up for sex. She took me to her caravan on the coast where we spent three amazing days hanging out, fishing for crabs, playing in the arcades, having walks on the beach etc. We even lay outside under the stars watching a meteor shower. Of course there was plenty of sex over the three days as well.

    She invited me to her house when she seriously hungover and we just snuggled up and watched movies together as she wasn't feeling very well. I live an hour and a half drive away and she also came over after work just to see me for a couple of hours and take me to dinner.

    We went to Pride together and had an incredible 4 days hanging out, drinking, listening to live music, having passionate sex. However one of the nights we met up with one of my friends who kept referring to her as my girlfriend. This freaked her out and we ended up having a drunken argument. I admitted that I had fallen for her and whilst sobbing she told me she was not over her ex and couldn't get her out of her head.

    We have had some in depth conversations and she has said that she thinks she will be alone for ever as she doesn't want to risk getting hurt again. She has said she doesn't have feelings for me like I do for her but on the other hand said if it wasn't for the ex she'd be in a relationship with me in shot.

    I'm just really confused because we have become so close so quickly yet she is basically denying it is happening. When we go out she'll hold my hand and it's always her that makes that move. We kiss and cuddle in public so it's not like she's hiding me from the world. If I don't respond to her text cos I'm busy after a little while she'll send me a sad face and ask where I've gone.

    Yet last night in a general conversation I said the word dating and she was like since when are we dating. We're not dating. All of my friends and hers think we are in a relationship based on how much we talk and the things we do together yet she just freaks out when I mention anything to do with us dating or being in a relationship.

    I am very happy and not in a rush for it become 'serious' but am worried that she may never have strong feelings for me like I do for her. Should I just leave things as they are and see what happens? Or is it likely she'll never be over the ex and I'm just wasting my time hoping for something that is never gonna happen? I don't know how long it takes for someone to move on from a 3 year relationship so am I expecting too much from her too soon? That relationship ended at the end of January and we met at beginning of June. Any advice much appreciated.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    It is not so much that you have unreasonable expectations. You are probably ready to wade deeper into the relationship and she is not. So you are in different places about that. Grieving the loss of a relationship is subjective and even though it was a 3 year relationship, it was her one great love that she has not been able to let go. I would say if she is in the same place after a whole year, she might need to find help to move on. But as far as her relationship with you goes, it is sad that she can't let go and just be completely present to the wonderful things and you and life have to offer.

    If I were in your situation I really would find myself not wanting to expect anything but what you have now. It would be nice to reassure her you are not expecting stuff so she doesn't freak out at every suggestion and maybe just relax into the fun of being around you. That is, if that is what you want. You should be able to date others though and not get stuck in this yourself.
  3. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

    Aug 7, 2013
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    I agree with Greylin. Although you walked into this as a "fuck buddy" and then "friends with benefits" often times in those situations someone will develop feelings. She seems to be struggling with getting over her ex and I don't know how long its been (and moving on varies from person to person) but she's making it very clear that she isn't over her just yet. Even if she allows herself to be with you and spend time with you and act as if she is in a relationship, she is not ready to call it that just yet. Remember sometimes what we miss most in a relationship is the consistency of the things we did with the other person; ie: phone calls, hanging out, anything that you do routinely. Sometimes when people are trying to move on they put themselves in these pseudo relationships because it fills the void that the other person left behind and that sucks because you have to question how genuine is this connection....if out of need or want? I think you should be keep reasonable expectations for this relationship, keep your options open as well because you can't force someone to move on. Either they are ready or they are not. The same way she is freaking out and keeping this a "non-gf status" is her way of simply just protecting herself from getting hurt, and you need to do the same for yourself. Good luck!
  4. Chrystele

    Chrystele Well-Known Member

    Aug 20, 2013
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    I don't know how she feels but I myself ended a long-term relationship (7 years...) in February.

    And, even if I'm sometimes feeling lonely, I can tell you that I'm very cautious when meeting someone new.

    I keep repeating that I don't want to get involved in a relationship, that I don't want to live with someone again and so on...

    I don't have any advice to give you but maybe just give her some time to figure out : maybe she's scared, maybe she doesn't know what she really want.
  5. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    “Fuck Buddies” how alluring, illicit, and self-serving. It’s the ultimate prize at the penny arcade. We get sexual gratification without all the pesky relationship hurdles. Both parties are on the same page, you’re both there for an organism and that’s it. No one has to dress up, plaster on a happy face and meet friends and family. No one has to stomach through an opera or a sporting event to make the other one happy. You’re adults and you want your sex. You’re both mature and beyond “strings attached”. Proceed to “Boardwalk”…pass go, collect $200 dollars, and begin the fun and games of the elusive “fuck buddies”. Your standing on top of Mount Olympus, commence with the glory and reward of the sexual feeding frenzy.

    We all have wondered through life and at one point or another fantasized about having a “Fuck buddy”. The pressure of life grinds us down into a ball of nerves. We’re left craving nothing more than a “sweet release” from life. We want to remove ourselves from the worries of financial and emotional entanglements. We want to meet a beautiful stranger, Aphrodite, in the flesh ready, willing, and able to meet all of our sexual needs. A few stolen minutes, hours, or days hidden behind closed doors. Rebooting our systems with a string of organisms and cat naps with barely enough time in between to properly hydrate ourselves to only emerge reinvigorated and clear headed. Lifted are the burdens of life.

    How long will this last? Until the first time or second time your “fuck buddy” says or does something you connect with on a personal level? Until the pace of the sexual frenzy slows and you experience a truly “intimate” moment with your “fuck buddy”, when one of you drops your guard and responses to a whispered thought or a fleeting glance of desire? Until the meteor shower illuminates the soft supple nape of her neck seconds before you gently caress it with your hands and lips? Until you shower her with kisses racking her body in goose bumps? Until you desire the warmth of her skin and the feel of her breath without the need to race forward to the finish line?

    I’m sorry to say, you two have left “fuck buddies” stranded on the road a long time ago. “She invited me to her house when she seriously hungover and we just snuggled up and watched movies together as she wasn't feeling very well. I live an hour and a half drive away and she also came over after work just to see me for a couple of hours and take me to dinner. “ That is NOT “fuck buddy” behavior. Unfortunately, for you this situation will always be more simply because you lost your virginity to her. No one can say how or why anyone else acts or feels…heck, some can’t even answer for themselves half the time. However, clearly, she is suffering from “once bitten twice shy”, if you feel she is worth waiting for then get comfy, but if you don’t see a realistic future with her then cut the strings! There are “strings attached” at this point!

    I don’t envy your situation. I normally call for communication, but that seems to be shaky ground. Talk you must, but don’t use the “relationship” word. “Fuck buddies” is no more…redefine and adapt. You were once comfortable as “fuck buddies” and you can once again be comfortable together by you two deciding on a mutual definition. Good Luck!

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