Am I being used?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by christina3, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. christina3

    christina3 Member

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    This is very long like most of these posts so bear with me. I met this girl, we'll call her PG at work about 8 months ago. Im a pretty much an introvert and it takes some time to get to know me and she's loud and just out there and I liked her right away. She had a girlfriend at the time so I was friendly but not flirty. About a month later maybe less she was single. We flirted all the time and I hit on her every time I saw her. I wasn't sure of the status of her relationship with the other girl and she never asked me out so I was definitely hesitant to ask her. Normally I don't think you should date someone you work with, I hate to be negative but what if it turns bad then there you are seeing them at work everyday.

    Anyway this went on for about a month and a half maybe and I wound up starting another job about half hour away. Right after that I asked her if she want to hang out one night. I was pretty excited about it. We went to the movies then to watch the full moon come out on a hill over looking our town. She acted kind of nervous like she wasn't sure what to do with me. I could feel that energy so I didn't make any moves either and the night ended with a hug. Not too long after that she went to pride, I couldnt go because I had to work. When she came back from that weekend she posted on Facebook pics of her and her ex girlfriend who had become her girlfriend again the day she got back I guess. It definitely hurt my feelings. A couple weeks went by and we exchanged some texts but never really saw each other. I decided to go back to work part time there, I said cause I needed the extra money but mostly because it was the only time I ever got to see her. I was ok with her being back with her ex, I really did like her but figured I had been friend zoned which kinda sucked but she's a cool girl so ok.

    When I started working there again our relationship went right back to the way it was. Flirting all the time and just a really strong connection. People were always asking if we were dating. I kept trying to get her to hang out with me. Concerts in the park or maybe have dinner and something would always come up and she couldn't or she would cancel last minute. I want it to be clear that I never once asked her to leave her girlfriend and I never told her how much I liked her. I really did want to try and be friends. Her girlfriend was super jealous and possessive and didn't like the idea that I was around. PG did tell me that her girlfriend asked her if she liked me and she lied to her and said well she's got a nice butt and that she didn't know if I liked her.

    Fast forward another month and out of the blue I see on Facebook she's now engaged. Fast forward another week ish and she's went away for her birthday and they've gotten married. Now all of this is a good thing. If she's happy and excited about life and great things are happening for her cool but she never told me. You'd think that these are things you'd tell your friend are happening in your life.

    Fast forward to now. At work she's not acting like a married person. She's still flirting with me and grabbing my butt and being how she always was with me but away from work I never hear from her and I never see her. She made a comment one day about how she didn't really want to be with her wife anymore and I didn't question it because I thought maybe she's just having a bad day or something.

    I really do care about her a lot but I also am not the person that wrecks someone's relationship so that i can have them. I've met her now wife and had dinner at their house and I truly do want to be her friend. I'm not going to lie, if I thought she'd have me I'd be there in a second but I'm not about to plant the seed of doubt if she thinks she's happy I don't want to mess with that but I can't get her to speak with me or anything still outside of work.

    I guess I'm just trying to make sense of all this. It frustrates me that I'm trying to be friends with her and I'm the only one trying away from work. At work she's all smiles and hugs. I just need to talk it out and it's far too complicated it seems, or I'm making it complicated because i do care about her a lot.

    So thoughts ladies? Insights or comments or anything?

    And thank you for taking the time to read this.
     
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  2. valleybutch

    valleybutch New Member

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    Christina, it sounds like now that she is married she regrets doing it and wants to be single again. Flirtiness aside, she hasn't shown you any real, true interest beyond the physical attraction you seem to share. She is just using you to make herself feel like she is not attached and still single. She is not relationship material and feel I sorry for her wife.
     
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  3. StrawberryFields

    StrawberryFields New Member

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    Her flirtation at work with you is a lovely escape to her reality at home. I’m no expert, but I like to see things for what they are, and as much as I want to hope for the best, I always prepare for the worst. So I am saying to you that having a strong physical attraction to someone and liking them and then trying to be their friend, while they are married, won’t work. It might, but it won’t. I mean it is just a slow form of torture you are putting yourself through being with someone everyday that you want, but cannot have. We all have to live and learn, but having a little warning on what to expect can’t hurt. Being a friend with her will be easy one day and hell the next. Her relationship already seems (is) unstable and being in that mix could further its instability.

    Work friends are good to have, and I honestly believe that is where you should leave it. Slowly distance yourself at work. Ease up on the flirtation and see what happens. I believe there is a lot in her life that she needs to figure out and it is not right to string you along while she is doing so. It’s hard to care for someone who doesn’t even care to know that you do. There is a lot of life to live and I think maybe some truth needs to be brought out in the open here. Sometimes it’s the hardest way to the find the solution, but the only way to get a piece of mind. You constantly can’t be the one trying. If you are the only one, then maybe that is your truth. It’s in your own actions and in hers.

    Give attention to a girl who deserves it. Not a girl who just wants to use it for her own satisfaction.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She likes the attention. She probably also has a bar friend she flirts with. A few texting buddies, etc...

    The connection you guys have is not real and respectful, its based on her getting things - an ego stroke.

    Find someone more available and less crazy.
     
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  5. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't mind if someone hot is using me for sex :))

    Some people when they are shown the ring to them, they will say yes because they don't want to hurt that person.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It's not all its cracked up to be.

    And The OP isn't even getting sex out of this.
     
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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Completely agree with @StrawberryFields on this one.
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    That's completely cool...so long as the person who's being used knows she's being used and not being played :) I have no issue with that.

    In this situation though...it's not a level playing field...the married one isn't exactly being on the up and up. And by that I mean..she's not acting married although she is. ....so she's either being dishonest with herself, her husband, or the girl..but none of those are getting who she really is.
     
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  9. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    The reason I wouldn't mind, is because there won't be any strings attached. I find it unattractive when a married person gives such strong signals while their marriage is still fresh and I lose that true respect for her, considering that probably she doesn't need all my respect. Is a difference between flirting and what that woman is doing. And it stays in my nature to treat that kind of woman like a sex object, just like she would treat me. That woman brings trouble to herself with her own hands.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    And you care nothing about the other spouse?
     
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  11. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    Why would I care about strangers in the first place? my existence didn't brought that flaw in a person who's going to cheat, I would be just the trigger and the bullet was already in the barrel. I know, this makes me look like I'm going to ruin relationships, but is not my place to tell someone how much wrong she's doing. And walking away, doesn't mean I will fix anything or will make me a good person, that person will just find someone else to cheat with. The one in the middle is the one to blame mostly and is also the one who has the power to make a change and do things right.
     
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Have you ever actually cheated with someone who was married / long term partnered?

    Or is this a hypothetical musing?
     
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  13. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    No, I can barely figure out my life, can't date anyone while I'm in this phase of my life.

    But I can see this system of relationships, how they function, the nature of them with the flaws and the virtues. Although I don't have the experience. What is the difference of partnering with someone who gets out of a relationship for you, and partnering with someone who is single from the very beginning? both ways don't guarantee something stable in the future. A relationship can start from a lie or a lie will grow in the meantime. The feelings that I would have to deal with, from the partner, from the ex of the partners, are just details and my life is too short to spend it on others, when I should just polish my character and make sure my mistakes make as little damage as possible. And I can't impose other's set of morals on myself. Because if I will be the antagonist in someone's life, my desires and actions will be someone's lesson of life.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It's pretty different to talk about things versus actually doing them. You might not feel so indifferent to some random third person if you're about to screw their wife in their bed.

    Talking philosophically is not the same thing as going out and experiencing life.
     
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  15. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I know that is a huge difference between assumptions and experience, but I believe in my words because I know myself well at some point. I'm prone to do wrong things in life.
    If you will be right, then is a sure thing that life will offer me some nice punishment and put me in my place. Although I strongly doubt that, because I know how selfish I can be. If a woman will cheat on her wife, is because those gaps can't be filled anymore by the wife (I know, now I talk like a prostitute), or their relationship was always a lie or something came up in between. There's no other reason to cheat on someone,there's also the attraction of doing what is forbidden in the unwritten rules of nature. And not everyone can have all pure clean healthy relationships and I as a third party, won't fix all those huge issues by avoiding the woman and look only at the single ones. They will always exist and people like me will be a part of them.
     
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  16. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    We are what we do. Everyone has good and bad inside them. But we have a choice - act on the good? Act on the bad?

    Sure, lust and temptation exist. But you don't have to give in to them. Or push another person to give into them.
     
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  17. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    If I want to do something good in life, I will share my food with people in need as long as I can afford. That is what I consider doing something good in life, not taking care of others to help them not do mistakes. They choose to lie, to not have the guts to get out of the relationship that makes them miserable. I won't push anyone to cheat on their partners, they come alone and their partners, how blind they can be? most of them deserve it because I am pretty sure they force things, I mean, look at the OP's case, they split up and then that woman comes with a ring to make things up in a short time? that marriage is already infected and there are many other relationships/marriages built on lies. And I'm not trying to justify this, I admit is a bad thing but it doesn't mean that someone like me is also the person who should take all the blame. A person will not cheat, no matter how many "homewreckers" will come to that person, as long as that person is deeply in love with her or his partner. If their love is strong enough, they will say no to lust and temptation.
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    OK whateves.

    Do you think the girl in the OP is actually going to cheat, or just likes the ego stroke from flirting?
     
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  19. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I don't know for sure, I'm not the experienced one here :D
    there are some possibilities. She might be confused, probably she's trying to keep the OP author close to her in case that she's going to get a divorce. Or maybe she's polyamorous. But is stupid of someone married to grab butt and not clarify a thing, although for me is obvious she wants the V. Another possibility, is that she might be the kind who enjoys having a nude poster wherever she goes, like wherever she looks, there must be some butt there. Just how someone said up there in other words.
    And the OP mentions that the woman didn't talked about what is happening with her life, if she's happy, probably the woman doesn't see the OP as the OP sees her, maybe only the OP feels a deep connection, otherwise there was no other point to not say how she's doing in her life. Either way how is going to end, that woman is not serious about the marriage, nor the relationship/friendship with the OP. I know that with a deep connection comes communication.
    Also, she was hesitating to say the truth to her wife, why hesitate if is just flirting? then, why the wife is worried if the marriage is supposed to be based on trust? :)) their marriage is a big lie and if I'm right, then she is going to cheat.
     
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  20. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The older I get, the more I realize I can't judge how people get together. I think monogamy is too strict a norm to be expected on such a vast and diverse lot of us.

    Be that as it may, a contract is struck in two people who agreed in monogamy and to claim no moral responsibility at all as "the other woman" is like saying it is ok to trade in stolen goods because you weren't the one who stole them. In fact (I think) some states in the US one can sue the person who has insinuated him/herself into a marriage.

    While I think the majority of the moral burden rest on the shoulders of the person in the relationship it is plain mean to be part of it over a thrill.
     
    #20

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