Am I being selfish?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by starbuck_80, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. starbuck_80

    starbuck_80 Member

    Aug 27, 2013
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    Hi everyone,

    So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for 5 months now and everything has been great up until yesterday. I’m British and she is from the US and has been living in the UK for 5 years. We talk about our future quite a bit and occasionally she mentions that at some point she will need to move back to the US for a while. We had a chat about 6 weeks in about this and I said that it wouldn’t be possible for me as there is no way that I could get a working visa and she said that I could move over there if we got married. This shocked me as I really don’t think that getting married just so I can move to the States with her is the right thing to do. If we ever do get married, I want it to be a natural progression from living together, getting engaged etc. Apart from that, my life is here in the UK – my family, friends’ job etc and really don’t want to move across the world and start again. Anyway, we were walking around the supermarket yesterday and she jokingly said something along the lines of ‘when we move back to the States’ and rather than letting it go, I told her than I really didn’t see myself ever moving to America. When we got back to her flat we had a massive argument about it and (understandably) she said that she missed her family and wanted the option to move back. Again, I said that it’s not something I want to do and then she said that maybe we didn’t have a future as I’ve now put an expiration date on our relationship. She also told me that within 2 years, that she imagined our life (if we stay in the UK) living outside London (where we both live), married and thinking about a baby. While I would like all these things with her, I don’t want to plan my life to a schedule and would like us to take each day as it comes. Am I being selfish in wanting this?
  2. WIN45

    WIN45 Member

    Aug 31, 2013
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    I don't think that you are being selfish, I just think that you just want to take things slow, and just enjoy the time you guys spend together. And from my experience , NEVER RUSH , into something especially in a relationship.

    The whole who's moving in with who situation...,sucks ass.... you have to weigh in things like your career, family. Are you better off in the USA or in the UK, you have to leave everything behind. And that's from both sides. But as you said you start seeing her for 5 months, so it's still kind of like the beginning stage of you guys relationship, my advice is just take it slow and make it known that asking you to move to a different country is a extremely hard decision.
  3. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

    Aug 7, 2013
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    I don't know if selfish is quite the right word, but just think about it like this: You said all your friends, family and job were all in the UK....well most of her friends and family are back in the US. You can't really blame her for wanting to go back home. I think you both just need to sit down and talk about it and decide because if you are not wanting or willing to go to the US, and she no longer wants to stay in the UK (for the same exact reasons as to why you want to stay there) then you both need to move on. I don't think any of this has to do with waiting or needing time. At the end of the day if neither of you see your future in the same demographic place and feel strongly about that then that's a huge problem.

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