Am I a bad person?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by MissDarcy, Jan 21, 2016.

  1. MissDarcy

    MissDarcy New Member

    Feb 5, 2015
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    About two years ago, I went to this party with a date (a boy). A lot of friends were there, including Riley. You could say that Riley and I were just good acquaintances, every time we saw each other we just said “hello” and do the usual small talk. Things changed after this party. When I went out for a smoke Riley joined me and we talked for like an hour and a half. I knew Riley was a lesbian but I didn’t care about that at all. When I realized I've spent a lot of time with her, I said goodbye and rejoined my date. The next day she called me and asked me out. I declined. I declined because at that time I wasn’t sure about my sexuality. Btw, I’m bisexual.

    Fast-forward to today. Riley has a girlfriend now and I’m single. Last weekend though, something big happened. I “bumped” into Riley at another party. Little did I know, Riley poured her heart out to me that night. She told me that the only reason of her being at the party was because of me (she asked a friend to text me if I was going to attend this party), she told me that her attraction for me hasn’t faded away and she told me that her girlfriend knew about me. I was pretty surprised because I had no idea she carried a huge crush on me after all this time. She gave me a ride home because I got too drunk to drive and when we got there she asked me to kiss her. I thanked her for the ride and got out. I couldn’t kiss her. She has a girlfriend.

    The very next day, I went out with some friends to do some day-drinking at this rooftop party with a pretty cool DJ. I danced, I drank. A lot. By night-time I was pretty buzzed and with perfect timing, that’s when Riley called me. She came to the party and we talked alone for a while. Long story short, we made out in the party and in my car after. After that night, she texted me and asked me out again. I declined. This time, I declined because I felt guilty.

    I know that what I did was wrong. There’s no excuse for me, I knew she has a girlfriend and I still went for it. Truth be told, I do not regret it. Riley is very very attractive. And I can’t get her out of my mind. But I had to be harsh and lied about me not wanting to go out with her. A week after that, they broke up and her girlfriend added me on Facebook. Riley told me that she never told her girlfriend about our kisses, but that her girlfriend had a feeling that it had something to do with me. They got back together.

    Now, every time I see an Instagram photo of them together I can’t help but get jealous and think about all the lies behind that relationship. I honestly don’t know why I’m writting this because the course of actions is simple: ignore Riley, she has a girlfriend. But I want her. I really want her. And I’m certain that if I say that to her she will leave her girlfriend for me. Both Riley and I are the guilty parties. We both lie. But that doesn’t make me want her less. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Miss Darcy, you are not a bad person for your feelings and yes, the making out was a mistake but you did stop.

    If I may, I want to say something "bad": When I read this, I am not worried about you breaking up Riley and her gf, because you are doing the gf a favor. Would you want to be in that position where someone doesn't really want you completely? You could tell Riley the truth and and if you were to see her at all (not as a gf but only to go on some dates), you would request that she come clean with her gf. Then, maybe, maybe you can evaluate whether Riley is girlfriend material. Perhaps she is only feeding you a line about her desperate feelings for you. Perhaps once she is available, and you fervently make out and after a few months, it is gonna be just blah.

    And now for the more sane portion of the advice. I don't trust Riley to treat her attraction to you with courage. She got you and she did not come clean and end it properly with her girlfriend. I don't trust someone who asks a drunk girl for a kiss and does it while having a girlfriend. I don't trust Riley. And if you do hook up with her, watch for STD's.
    Gentry, rainydaze, Spygirl and 5 others like this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Good people do stupid things. And sometimes good people do bad things. It's called being human. You're not a bad person at fact, through most of this you've showed incredible restraint when you really wanted her. That you care enough about the fact that she has a girlfriend and that you want to do the honorable things, at least to me, seems rare these days. Seriously....a lot of people aren't so caring.

    The chemistry you have with Riley is undeniable. I agree with @greylin to an extent because Riley doesn't seem to care that she has a girlfriend while asking you out. She's not respecting her present relationship and that tells me a lot about her. Breaking up with the g/f would really be a favor if Riley isn't into the relationship and it might save her a lot of heartache later down the road.

    Now -- there are some things you leave out of this to make me think that maybe the issue is communication. Does she know why you turned her down? If she knew you felt guilty or were unsure of your sexuality, then maybe she might not have immediately pursued relationships elsewhere -- that is, if she had no reason to believe you'd ever date her, I can completely understand why she got involved with the girlfriend. Instead, you say that you lied and had to be harsh with her -- meaning, can you blame her when you forced her to move on with her life (no matter who it's with?)

    Both of you have had an element of dishonesty here...which might be precipitated by the fact that neither of you talked honestly about where you were with each other. Maybe one day if you're both at a point where you can come clean with each other, there's a chance? Respect her relationship..and if a breakup is supposed to happen, then great. But don't be the cause of it.
  4. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2016
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    From what I get the attraction is mutual. Either you two date or you don't, there's nothing in between. If you end up dating, be honest about it this time. Come clean to her girlfriend (ex) and try dating for real and see where it goes.
  5. hum_dinger

    hum_dinger Well-Known Member

    May 16, 2013
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    My first thought is although, yes, the fact she was with someone means kissing her probably wasn't the best idea, she's the one in the relationship, she should be the one to feel bad.

    I would say that their relationship probably won't last. If you like someone else that much, you can't be that happy in your relationship. If it is the case that they split up and you feel the same way about her, why not tell her how you feel? But I don't think you should tell her while she is with someone else because that's not fair

    I get the impression you too will end up getting together because if your attraction has continued to burn this long, it's probably a good sign for a relationship

    Whatever happens I hope it works out for you:)

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