Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by fanofthearts, Jul 22, 2013.

  1. fanofthearts

    fanofthearts Member

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    I'm 25 and still in the closet. I've never been with a woman or a man. I've known I'm gay since...well since before I knew what 'gay' was. I just knew I didn't like boys nor did I want anything to do with boys. I have gone and fallen for my best friend who is a great deal older than me, A LOT older she is 60. (we are the only 2 women who do a sport and we have bonded despite the age diff. I honestly prefer the company of older woman.) She has recently started dating a guy her own age that we both kinda knew of from our hobby. It came completely out of left field and knocked me on my butt.

    I know that I don't have a shot in hell with her but it HURTS...like searing pain in my soul. Anyway said guy is friends with me on Facebook and he keeps messaging me. Sometimes about her other times just talking. He has recently started...almost telling me how much he appreciates me caring for her and stuff like that. She has canceled plans on me about 5 times now to hang out with him and its pissing me off. And me having to be civil to him and not explode at her is just driving me INSANE! I don't know what to do, I can't get away from it.

    I just need to talk to someone about this, but if I do that I need to come out and I'm scared. I live in a small conservative community and if my boss finds out that I'm gay I will loose my job (I work at a privately run ag business.) I have a friend that I'm almost sure will be okay with it but I just don't want to lay all my drama on her. I just... I don't know what to do. I so want to be out but I'm scared to death, but I want a relationship, not pinning after straight women who will never return my feelings. I want to have someone who wants me and who will put me first, like I have put her first for years. I'm just HURT. Help?
     
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  2. sbgirl0914@gmail.com

    [email protected] Active Member

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    I don't really have any advice, but I am kind of in the same boat as you. I'm 23 years old, and I'm still in the closet. I have never been with a man or woman either. I live in a small conservative town too, and my older coworker would die if she knew I was gay. She literally cannot stand gay people and says some really awful things. A lot of people think I'm gay, but I have not confirmed it to them because I'm scared too. I work with another woman, who is friends with my family, and she told me Saturday that I was still in the closet and needed to come out. She doesn't have a problem with it, which is cool. I think the real problem is me. I don't know if I really want to accept it or if I'm just really scared of what people will think or say.

    I also have a friend that I really like, but she is only a year and a half older than me. She's bi but is currently in a relationship with a guy because the girl she used to date would not take her back. I really like her a lot but don't really get to see her a lot now because of college. We actually go to the same university, but she lives near campus and I don't. It hurts when I see her with him, and I constantly keep reminding myself that it would never work out between us even if I were to tell her the truth. The only reason I look at Facebook is to see if she posts anything new and to see what she's up to. I think I will always feel something for her for some reason and just wish it would go away.
     
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  3. Rubicon

    Rubicon Active Member

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    I think a question is, why are you not out? As in, do you need to stay in the closet (some people do because of conservative family/ conservative profession etc., totally legitimate reasons) or is it less of a necessity and more a wariness of being judged type thing? I do think that the issue of being with a woman/ not having being with a woman is one that can only be resolved by coming out/ coming out to a certain extent (i.e. you do not tell everybody). If this is possible, even if it is only testing the water by online chatting/ going on a date somewhere you won't know anyone, I think it is a course you might be advised to pursue.

    I sort of think the only way to beat the straight girl crush problem (believe me it is one with which I am greatly familiar) is to distract yourself. If you can come out, or if you are alright with meeting other lesbians (but not necessarily broadcasting it to your family/ friends), then that may provide the distraction. If this is not an option, then you may need to consider seeing less of her - I find this quite effectively kills off crushes you don't want. To give a personal example, there is a girl I have liked for about 5/6 years (to quote Facebook "that one person you will always have a thing for"), but I don't see her on a regular basis anymore. My feelings/ desire to be with her have since diminished greatly. As there is no realistic chance of us ever being together, this is practical. (Though harsh. Harsh but practical.)
     
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  4. zzzzzmman

    zzzzzmman New Member

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    I understand what you are saying but I think there should be more comments regarding the threat that was initially started so that the pool of thoughts is attracted. Regards.
     
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  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    With Conservative ideology, I think one of the reasons they want to keep Same Sex marriage illegal (SSM) is because it will help make it a lot easier for gays and BIs to come out. Their children, etc - when they just don't want to know.

    Some of my friends have simply moved to other parts of the state or the country to be "themselves", yet when they see family 1-2 times a year, its a short visit. Not the best thing, but for sanity - you should be able to have friends you can talk to in real life and have job security that isn't effected by WHO you date or love. So consider moving to a bigger city. This also increases your odds of meeting other women and having a support group. Rather than living in fear and depression.

    The thing about small towns, the ratio of homosexuals to heterosexuals a bit less than a major city. But they are deeper in the closet. From people I know is small towns (Population under 2000) - there are people in hetro relationships who do have homosexual sex or cheating with the same sex. So even the most hardcore anti-gay person in town, could be a dude who wears panties and lipstick in the privacy of his home.
     
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  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    The OP posted this on 23rd July 2013 and hasn't commented on this thread since
     
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  7. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    Agreed!
     
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