Advice phone snooping.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SummertimeSadness, Mar 3, 2019.

  1. SummertimeSadness

    SummertimeSadness Well-Known Member

    Jul 29, 2013
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    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    If I were a more angelic type, I would tell you the best policy is to lay everything on the table so you can discuss it all. But sometimes, I want to be sneaky about it and say, let cool heads prevail and examine how you got here in the first place and what you should really do with the information.

    Let's put how you got the information aside. Because guilt is noisy and ruin the chances to find out what you really want. Now you know that she is still in contact and she wants to hang out. And it is good to know that it is all friendly and not like they are doing more than hanging out.

    It is on her to say yes to something and not be able to follow through. She might also think that this is an unreasonable request since they were friends before you met. So basically, she 'handled" you. That is not cool. If someone feels that my request is not something they can do and they decide to do the passive aggressive route and did it anyway, I wonder if we could really have a good relationship. I don't know how long you have been together as you call her "partner" and how long she had been going behind your back. This maybe something that you want to consider and know the answer to before you talk to her. And you do need to talk to her. If you don't, anything she says to you about how she loves you from here on out will be suspect.

    Once you decide what kind of relationship you want, which is either be with her and be ok with her choosing her own friends and be able to tell you from here on out or just decide that you can't deal with someone who has lied in the first place. So here's my thinking...

    If I decide, hey, there is nothing there with her and her old fling but friendship and I want to give her a chance to be upfront with me, then I would not tell her about the snooping. Because then, it becomes this cat and mouse situation that you don't want. You can make up and she will never have a chance to come clean and be right with you. Because you will be this person watching her.

    Instead, I would say, hey, I know that you have been distant and weirdish lately, what is it? Was this about your old fling? And see what her reactions are. If she is lying through her teeth then it is really bad. But if she is reacting and hmming and hawing, I would try to give her an out. I would tell her maybe I was a little too insecure in the beginning of our relationship, that I would like to be part of her life and know all her friends.

    If I decide the way I was treated and her going behind my back is a deal breaker, I would just say, hey, I think I know what you are doing, because you have been weird lately and I betcha it is about the old fling. And I would be ready to confess to the snooping if she denies it. Because I am ready to be done at that point and call her on it and even apologize for violating her privacy but there is not going to be a relationship anymore.

    Now, I am going to argue with myself a little about confessing to the snooping. Of course it would be good to confess and be able to put it behind you that you have done something sneaky and maybe now you are on the same boat and maybe you guys can work something out with all the cards on the table. The good thing about confessing is that you won't go down that hellish slippery slope anymore. That you would be tempted to snoop her phone ever again because you did not confess and you got away with it. Snooping is not just a thing that violates her but it is hard for you to come back out of this mindset of always having to verify something she is telling you. Once you have given into temptation, the 2nd time gets easier and these things can eat you up.

    I sometimes wonder why we are so fragile in our relationships to begin with. Yes, jealousy serves a function in evolution somewhere so you can defend your life with someone. But perhaps we really need to rethink how insecure we can get and how much we react. I know that all good relationships need a lot of communication and work. All the best ones are love, respect, communication and work on bonding ever unceasing.

    I am sorry you are in this situation. Take your time to think about what you really want and feel free to talk things out here. I am just giving some of my thinking from someone who is lucky to be here and in a relationship after a lot of screwing up in life. I know how you feel about this and I sympathize with what you did.
    giocab30 likes this.

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