Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by SilentMeow, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. SilentMeow

    SilentMeow New Member

    Feb 1, 2018
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    Please bare with me as this is going to be a bit long but I'm very hopeful that I can be guided in the right direction. I usually have very good instincts when it comes to identifying when someone is into me but this one is confusing.

    I've worked with this woman for several years and we have always had what you would call work friends. She has always been invested in making sure I was coming to work functions and on several occasions has tried to convince me to hang out with her outside of work. I'm a bit stupid and could never understand why she was trying to get me to hang out outside of work so I never took her up on her offers. She's gorgeous, smart, funny, extraverted and has lots of friends. I'm introverted, cautious and very out at work which has always left me with my guard up just a bit. I've also considered her very straight but I know that one of her best friends is a lesbian so she is not narrow minded.

    So here's what happened. In about November, she started texting me more. Like she would text me in the evening and we would end up spending hours texting all evening. This went from happening a couple times a week to almost every single night literally for hours. If she's occupied with friends or family, she lets me know or she covertly texts me throughout the day and night until she is free. In the texts, there's conversation about our lives, teasing, flirting, etc. Starting in about March, our friendship moved outside of texting. Initially, it was subtle and we started going to fitness classes together a couple times a week. Then it intensified and now we are hanging out several times per week - going out to dinner, going for lunch, going to movies, going to exercise classes, etc. It appears that she has stopped hanging out with some of her other friends and I seem to get priority. If she has plans and I suggest we do something, she often ends up free within a day. She has taken to calling me her spouse and we joke about it often. All of the physical signs are there - lingering eye contact, too much smiling, subtle touches and touches where she does not seem to move away. She sends me pictures of herself all the time. No sexual images but lots of pictures of her and her friends, fun events from the past, etc. We keep tabs on each other and I can almost tell you where she is and who she is with at all times. As an example, she recently went to a family reunion and was with her family for days. She had warned me that I would not hear from her because she doesn't like to be rude to her family. What actually happened? - I got scattered texts from her throughout the day trying to engage with me but clearly needing to pay attention to her family. It was weird - I expected not to hear from her and was shocked that she found ways to text me so much.

    If this was a known lesbian, I would have hit on her months ago but this is a "straight woman" that I work with who, as far as I know, has never had a relationship with another woman. What is going on here? Do you think she is attracted to me or have we essentially become best friends? Our friendship feels intense and something beyond friendship but I may be misinterpreting because I'm so attracted to her. This is a danger zone because we work together and I don't want to make things awkward but I don't want to miss an opportunity either.

    Advice? Thoughts?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I admire that you are cautious with people from work.

    She has strong feelings for you and it is not unusual for women to have strong feelings for someone whom they want to spend all their time with and not crossing over to a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, you can't take the spousal thing, the constant companionship and the jokes as a hint. She should be more cautious about her actions toward you though. I knew this guy and his female friend from work who had most meals with him and everyone thought they'd be together. They were touchy feely and he thought it was going to be something. She even joked with him like they were together so much it was like they were married. Well, she got married to someone else. She had really intense feelings for him but it was simply non romantic. He wanted her but never really pursued her.

    So, don't count of any of what you said as signs. What matters is how you really feel about her and what you want to do with your feelings.

    I keep thinking what I would do in this situation. I might say to myself, hey, just enjoy the friendship, she has given no indication directly that she wanted to be with a woman or really she wanted to be with me in a romantic way. However, if I do know the girl is the one for me, I would make an overture with her with devotion and confidence even if it means I could crash and burn. I would figure out what to do about my job if it blows up. But, it does not mean I can't test the waters and throw some hints. I might say the next time when she say anything about us looking like spouses, I would ask her something like, "If you were gay, would you date someone like me?" And maybe drop some hints myself.

    An old member on AE once said that she was always able to get a positive response from a woman despite orientation by saying, "I really feel like kissing you right now." And that is some bold stuff that I am not sure I would have tried. Sometimes though, it is just like that, the kind of non aggressive, vulnerable, romantic abandon that could result in someone looking at you romantically.

    The thing is though, as you are work mates, you can be direct like only once and if she is not affirming any feelings you just have to completely back off and drop the matter. If it turns into some serious discussions and she is not clear about how she feels then you can tell her that the flirting is stirring up real feelings in you and maybe she should stop.

    Now, any direct gestures from you and she is a bit confused herself about how she feels, it all may propel her to date a guy. I don't think she is toying with you at all, just really into you as a friend.

    Lastly, in my personal experience with a guy friend whomI have once felt close to...I remember wanting to spend all kinds of time with him to the point where I could almost cuddle with him but just never thought of being romantic with him. He wanted more and hinted here and there but at the end could not sustain just a friendship with me. I still feel sad about that friendship from time to time and wondered if I had led him on. I could see his side but also felt abandoned for not wanting the same thing. But if you think about it, that is just human companionship, your needs with each other have to compromise and match enough to sustain.
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018

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