Advice needed lost love

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Mini-Milk, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. Mini-Milk

    Mini-Milk Member

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    To anyone who takes the time to reply - much appreciation.

    I need advice.

    Backstory- So I met my girlfriend through friends in a bar pretty much as soon as I had returned from a trip to the Far East that had lasted 6 months. At the time of meeting, I had a one year visa approved for New Zealand, that had a one year expiry on it. A visa that because of my age I could never apply/get again.

    Since the relationship took us both by surprise, we fell in love very quickly, had an undeniable connection that translated both emotionally and physically- I delayed my trip by six months! not wanting to arrive in their winter - I delayed my trip as humanly long as I could. Leaving my girlfriend was traumatic for us both. Being mature we both agreed since the trip was for a year we would remain friends but not try for anything else till I returned. I was away a year. It was hard in every conceivable way possible for us both. Traumatic events like that can change a person, and it did for us both.

    When I returned home- the union that we so badly wanted did not take place - we were like strangers to one another and the impact of being apart for so long was untenable. We did not restart the relationship. Her life was ever increasingly demanding with her job, and I feeling horribly lost fell into a depression, one so deep that I didn't seem to feel anything, I did not know the direction of my life or how to rescue it. Or even why I would want to.

    I let several months slip by in a kinda of no mans land, we would see each other sporadically, but still the distance festered - I now living back with my parents several hours away from where she lived with her parents. She knew that things needed to change drastically in her life- she wanted to move into her own home and she repeatedly told me how empty she felt.
    I felt the same, I had a property to take charge of that was four hours away from my parents, that had tenants in that meant I couldn't do anything but wait the three months till they moved out and so my life was just on hold. My heart was numb my outlook bleak. I felt like the poor relation to her, with no job, no happiness and no home to speak of.

    Those few months moved slowly, all the time increasing the void between us, her convinced I didn't love her or want her, me convinced I didn't love my life, myself and the dark cloud over me numbed me to life.

    I cam home in August. December 13 the was the last time she ever lay in my arms in any meaningful way and was the last time we had sex, and the first time I felt the stirrings of myself come back. It was also the last time we ever were intimate again

    By the beginning of the following year, the tenants had moved out and come January 1st I had moved back into my old house along with my dad who I have a very tempestuous relationship with to do a refurb on my flat to get it liveable again. it took four months to do, and I cried most nights, but to her credit she was always there for me and always supportive. we never saw each other in this time, I was busy with the refurb - her with her job.

    Perhaps pridefully, I wanted her to see the flat when it was done. I wanted her to be proud of me, I wanted to feel not like the poor relation but an equal. Working with my dad had been horrible but it resulted in me getting my life back. Around the same time she also started looking for a house and was consumed by that process.

    When my house was done, my depression lifted and I got a good job using my degree, and I started to feel whole again, I also took up a course in neurology to further myself in helping people through trauma which is a personal interest of mine-things got better and I started to excel in work, I contacted her a lot to see of she could visit but alias she could not.

    In May of that year she met someone. Initially I was happy for her her love tanks were empty, I still lived an hour and half from her and she was convinced I didn't want her - having never had depression herself it was hard for her to understand how it robs you of everything. She also felt I was away too long, and despite my attempts to get her to visit me she wouldn't.

    The girl she met was/ is 10 years younger that her at only 23. initially it was just a few dates and now they have been together nearly 6 months. I ask her if it's like we were, she says it's not.

    When we were together we were unmatched in our happiness, but all that came after seems to have served as a constant reminder to her why we shouldn't be together.

    Here 's the thing. I still love her, wholeheartedly. Completely. I would willingly sell my flat now, and am doing so to move to her city. I want to be serious with her.

    We are in discussions about it now, because she also still loves me. The path to love isn't easy and we have had a tough ride of it, however we are both moral people and we can not just do as we please because there is a third party to consider here.

    My ex says to me that she feels it's morally wrong to break up with someone who hasn't done anything wrong and has implied that they love her. whilst I sympathise I am heartbroken. We are of similar age and we have same values, ethics and all the other things you need to keep love alive.

    We just met at the wrong time, when we were both plagued with practical and emotional concerns, all of which in the fullness of time has been resolved.

    My ex is risk adverse though and I feel like a big gamble to her, she doesn't doubt our relationship, or me, it's the fact she giving up a perfectly good relationship with someone who whilst is giving her the emotional highs, is also not giving her the emotional lows. someone whose safe. she says they don't ever argue, unfortunately whilst we didn't when we were together, when I came back from being away we didn't get on great - so now I feel like a massive gamble to her.

    Here's the thing, I wrote her an email - we both conceded we could of both done things better, me with making an effort and her with keeping the distance to a minimum. we both admit we love each other. We are both hugely troubled these events.

    I'm afraid if I concede defeat and just let her get on with things with this new girl it will go on for years and I won't be young anymore, she is 33 and I am 35.

    I told her the 23 yr old will find love with someone new and that she will bounce back and that five months of dating someone isn't a huge amount of time, and if she is hurting it's all part of growing up. This 23 yr old has just come out of a 4 year relationship, so technically she been coupled up since she was 19, she has only just come out to her parents as we'll, so my ex feels quite maternal towards her and protective, not wanting to cause her anguish, which I admire, but honestly I fear for my own sanity through this, I am just heartbroken, I can't seem to not translate it through my eyes.

    I respect my ex and her feelings and i honour whatever decision she makes, because I know it will way heavily on her. She says to me that she's dammed if she does or she doesn't because she hurts someone, and she thinks I can handle it better.

    I tried to reason with her, plead my case, implore her not to leave, beseech every inch of me to her, and whilst she concedes she loves me very much and that what we had was very different to what she has now, she doesn't want to break up with someone whose done nothing wrong and to who she feels maternal over.

    I told her to just be straight with her gf and tell her our story so she could see, that it's not reflective of her, it's just too souls that belong together that had to figure some stuff out. she said no to that.

    I said to say it's an age thing then, I asked her if she loved her- she said she liked her very much and that she was happy with her.

    I just need advice please. Is she right to feel this way, not that emotion is logical, and in college, they say that strong emotion makes you stupid, but is she right to want to throw away what we have after all this journey we have been through to get to this point, because she feels morally obliged to stay with someone after five months.?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Mini-Milk:

    Being that your posting was over a month ago, I don't know if my advice is timely or not. If the lady has not resolved her situation with her current gf then most likely she is not really wanting to give up on her current girlfriend. She has a right to her feelings no matter what they are. If she has the flaming passion for you but is only dating this gf out of loyalty, then yes, it is not the best thing for her. But you can only advise her as such and let it go.

    You can pursue her all you want till she says no, you have to stay away or drop the romancing. Her mind is her own to change, or not.

    Most of all, please know that the first person you love should be yourself. With that, you will have the perspective to love another and for someone, whoever she maybe to love you.

    Take care,
    G
     
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