a VERY LONG story about a shy, hopeless girl

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by shy&hopeless, May 11, 2014.

  1. shy&hopeless

    shy&hopeless Member

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    This is a very long story as the title indicates so I will likely need to break this up over several posts in order for all of you who dare to read it understand my problem. I have been an avid reader but non-member of this site for a few years now but I never thought I would be here seeking advice.

    One thing I should state up front is I'm very shy. New people and social situations give me anxiety and incite an internal panic that makes me say all the wrong things or clam up like a mime in the midst of deaf mutes. If I'm around people I don't know but there's a task at hand, I can focus and get lost in the task; conversation comes but only as it pertains to the task. Once you get to know me, or more precisely, once I get to know you and I feel comfortable, the playful, silly me comes out. All of this should tell you how often I date or get asked on a date. That would be never, at least not by women, in case your deductive reasoning is on vacation or nonexistent. From what you’ve read so far, you might be thinking I’m full of elephant poo but writing has always been a great escape for me as I’ve always been able to convey the internal me via words on a page. I’m 24, 25 in less than two months, and up until a year ago, I'd never been on a date or to a gay club/bar, had only kissed one other person and thought my shyness would prevent anyone from ever getting to know me or me them. That has all changed pretty drastically especially in the last month.

    I tried to date back in high school although “date” is a strong word. The very few times I was asked out, I didn’t know how to say no and I spent each date wishing we would get into a minor car accident where my dad would have to pick us up after the police interrogated us for an hour. I didn't date at all in college but senior year, I was part of a design project with 3 other people and there was one other girl in the group I found myself inexplicably drawn to. I thought it was only a friendly attraction but I soon realized the kind of friendship I wanted was the kind that had me in her pants. One day our group was supposed to meet up but she never showed. The next night I get a text asking if she could come over to discuss what was done the previous day. To that point, we'd never seen one another outside our project group. I thought it was strange but I didn't protest because I liked when she was around. She was half lit when she showed up and talked for a long while about her ex boyfriend and men, in general, not being worth the trouble. She made no mention of our project which made me uncomfortable at first but because she was doing all the talking, all I had to do was sit back and listen. She startled me when she stopped talking about herself and began asking me questions about my romances. There were none to speak of so I deflected as much as I could, trying to bring us back to the project and our next steps but she kept digging. She suggested I was too scared to date anyone. I didn't respond. Eventually she asked if I'd ever had sex. I didn't respond. That led to her asking if I've ever even kissed anyone. I didn't respond and she giggled at that for probably a full 30 seconds. It felt much longer but that was about right. She said, “You’re so f*cking cute. Can I be your first?” and kissed me. The instant we kissed, I knew I was gay. I’m sure I was an awful kisser but we made out for a while. What I thought was going to be a night of making out turned into a night of firsts for me. It was all at her behest and I was 21 and didn’t know how much I wanted to have sex. For the next 3 nights, she came over and we got together, all at her urging but I didn't protest not even a little in fact I waited by the phone hoping she'd text telling me she was on her way. Then she essentially disappeared. I saw her infrequently in class and when we had to meet for group she avoided me like the plague. I didn't pursue her at all because it felt like that was the very last thing she wanted and I was so embarrassed.

    I've graduated and am now working at a company I did a co-op for in college. I’m the type of person when invited to any interoffice anything, I spontaneously have an doctor's appointment or I hide out in my cube hoping no one sees me until it's all over. That sounds extreme I know but I really hate social functions where I know no one personally or really well. This one day there was an office luncheon with a mandatory attendance policy according to my boss. Everyone was in the cafeteria and I’m sitting at a table with my boss when this gorgeous woman I’ve never seen comes to the table to talk to him about invoices. I got one good look at her before all you could see was the back of my head because my face was nearly buried in lasagna. When I knew she was gone, I looked up and tracked her from time to time. I saw her infrequently for a while after that because she works on the 5th floor and I work on the 2nd but when I would see her she would acknowledge my existence and smile warmly at me.

    I heard through the gossip grapevine that she and a couple of other people from the office loved this one Thai restaurant. I’d never eaten Thai food but decided to give it a try because who doesn’t like to eat? It was so delicious that I’m now a regular. One day I’m in the elevator and I have my lunch in a bag from the Thai restaurant. She steps on the elevator and I instantly start counting the floor tiles and memorizing the color scheme. Before I know it she says, “I love that place. What did you get from there?” I wasn’t sure if it was her perfume or me daydreaming about possibly touching her hand but my mind wasn’t processing the words. She asked me again and I managed to tell her it was a used bag and all I had was a ham and cheese sandwich and some Funyuns. I sound like I’m in the 4th grade but that is honestly what I had for lunch that day. I must have said it in a funny way because she laughed.

    There was a new girl in my cube nest who forcefully made me a dumping ground for all of her gripes and theories. On days when I couldn't bear her, I would venture into the cafeteria which I didn't like because it made me feel naked with neon signs pointed at me but it was too cold to sit in my car. One day gorgeous woman (Simone) sat down at the table with me. Her name isn't Simone but I think that name is sexy no matter whose saying it and suits her perfectly. I acknowledged her with a quiet hello and she tried to dig conversation out of me. It felt a lot like those dates I had in high school except I didn't want my dad anywhere near us and I wanted desperately to be able to say something coherent, witty and/or charming but everything I said came out monosyllabic, timid and sloppy as a few times food dribbled from between my lips and down my shirt. I sound so cliché but sadly it's all true. After that I would see her from time to time in the cafeteria and she would sit with me and either talk or make every attempt to get me to say more than 5 words at a time.

    Once spring rolled around, we'd been eating with one another once or twice a week. Then she took our "friendship" to another level by initiating an interoffice IM conversation, which completely took me by surprise. Our IMs didn't happen all the time because we do get paid to work and I love my job but when we were able to we would squeeze in 10 or 15min conversations. These short IM conversations happened every day and after a period of adjustment, I was able to be me and string together lots of words and sentences which made our face to face encounters much easier.

    My family are casual football fans but we always throw a Super Bowl party. By this time Simone and I had been work friends for about a year. All of our interactions occurred at work except for the occasional funny text exchange. She and I were talking via IM and I made mention of our party and somehow someway, I ended up inviting her and she said yes. The party was going to be at my brother's and my house and I thought it would be safe until I remembered my parents were coming and they have little control over their filters. My older sister was coming too and unlike my brother and I she inherited that no filter gene. My brother is my twin and we've always looked out for one another so I put my faith in him having my back because at that point I couldn't rescind the invitation.

    Most of the people who came to the party I'd known forever so I was in my element; I’m never boisterous but I do talk a lot more and have been known to joke and be silly. Being with my friends and family allowed me to be looser and open with Simone, which I think surprised her a little. My mom pulled me aside and bluntly told me I liked Simone and I should pursue her then proceeded to tell me how which was a crazy surreal experience I wanted no part of. I asked her how she knew I liked her and she looked at me loving but also like I was an idiot. The only time I saw her that happy was when my brother told us he proposed to his girlfriend and the very first thing she asked was when they planned on making her grandchildren. I told her it wasn't going to happen because Simone was straight and we were just friends. At halftime, my sister, brother, his fiancée, Simone, another friend and I were all chatting about random things when my sister brings up relationships, on purpose because I know her and I was immediately uncomfortable because Simone was the only one who didn't know I was gay. It was a subject I avoided because as much as I love my job it is gossip factory and even though I didn't think Simone would have an issue with it or would say anything I didn't want to take the risk of it getting out and people assuming we were together. My sister made the rounds talking about herself first then my friend. When she got to me she said, “I’m not even going to ask because we all know you don't date. What about you Simone?" Instead of answering my sister's question, Simone asked when I last had a date. I didn’t say anything but my sister said, "She hasn't been on a date since she came out three years ago." I love my sister but she can be such a flappy mouthed wench sometimes. I know it wasn’t her fault I hadn't told Simone I was gay and it wasn't her fault I was that pathetic but I wanted to kick her in the face then crawl into a hole. Simone said, "I knew you were shy but you shouldn't starve yourself." My sister, friend and brother's fiancée all wholeheartedly agreed with her and I wanted the hole to cave in on me. My brother changed the subject because he's a sweetheart and no one protested.

    Game over Simone said her goodbyes to everyone and she and my mom hugged and kissed like she was already part of the family. My mom told her she was invited to come to any gathering we had and would keep in touch. I walked her out and that's when she asked me why I didn't tell her I was gay. I shrugged and told her I thought we were just office friends and I didn't think it was appropriate. She reminded me that she'd asked me more than a few times to drinks and dinner but I always declined. I came clean and told her lunch was only a half hour to an hour tops and within the confines of that I was ok but moving that to a social setting and having to make conversation for a longer period of time was scary for me. She told me to get over myself because she thought of me as more than an office friend and suggested we have dinner sometime.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: a VERY LONG story about a shy, hopeless g...

    *raising hand* Shy one here by birth! Man, you could have written about me only you are a ton more eloquent on paper. I am sure Simone is quite taken by your company or she would not seek you out. I think you are very smart the way you had confined your interactions with Simone and did what was appropriate.

    But now that she has made that overt invitation, why not take her up on it? Friendship will always be messy whether you like like that person or not. She finds you interesting, it is only polite to let her enjoy you.

    Just FYI, I have decades on you and have mostly gotten over my shyness. While living all those past years in an internal world was interesting, I did miss out on some stuff including possible earlier successes at work. It took a while not to mind at all what people thought of me and that was the first break through to not having an internal panic at every social situation. I still get that in some situations because I find crowds and mixers completely dull and have no idea how to talk shop.

    Thank you for your story, I find it quite engaging. I wish you good luck and all the courage you need in your love life.
     
    #2
  3. shy&hopeless

    shy&hopeless Member

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    Re: a VERY LONG story about a shy, hopeless g...

    Hello greylin, thank you for your post. I'm not actually quite finished with the story yet as it is very involved but I really look forward to any advice you might have because I'm truly in it.
     
    #3
  4. shy&hopeless

    shy&hopeless Member

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    Re: a VERY LONG story about a shy, hopeless g...

    We had company over today so I couldn't exactly finish my story. It's late now and I shouldn't even start this but I need to finish the story because I really your help.

    Simone and I had dinner where I discovered she is very straight after we talked about sexual fluidity and etc. I did the work and put my feelings aside for her and made all the space in the world for us to be friends. Quickly, we become really good friends after we started hanging out after work and I trusted her completely. She mentored me and helped me become a little more comfortable with uncomfortable situations. She also helped me with work related issues where I learned to stand up and say what I was thinking instead of constantly shrinking away.

    After much discussion and months of coercion, she convinced me to go to my first lesbian club where she would provide services as my wing woman. Actually it was lesbian night at this club. It was pretty dire as I cowered away and Simone tried to step in and run interference with no success. We go out again more than a few times and each time was pretty uneventful and even when it was, the dates that ensued were disastrous. After far too many tries, I decided to give it one last turn and drug along my brother, his fiancée, Simone, and her best friend and all their positive energy worked. I'd gone to the bathroom and was headed back to my wing persons but I had to cut through those still waiting in line for the bathroom. That's when I met Holland who asked me very politely if I would wait in line with her because I looked like I would be good company. Holland isn't her name but I think it’s a sexy too. She reminds me of a young Amanda Peet but with just enough hipster vibe to be sexy and not annoying. I thought she was attractive so I stood in line with her even though I could feel my whole body shaking. Despite my nerves I talked and attempted to flirt with her. After a little bit, I peep my brother looking at me and he gives me the thumbs up which fuels me and pushes me to keep things going. When it was her turn to go to the bathroom, she asked me to wait for her and her eyes were so killer I couldn’t say no. Our first date started off pretty bad because I did everything wrong from dropping my fork on the floor, three times, to spilling food on the table. After that she made me get up and switch sides of the table because she believed I'd have better luck on the other side. When I sat back down she smiled at me so sweetly I felt calm, so calm that I showed her how I was pitting out of my sweater which was such a dork move but she laughed. After that things were a lot easier. At the end of the night she gave me an enormous hug that went on forever and I drowned myself in her but it only led to a peck which surprisingly made my knees go a little but it also made me a little sad because all through dinner all I could think about were her lips. She said she wanted to take things slowly because she was aware that I'd only started dating recently and she wanted to be mindful of our pace.

    A little over two months into us dating, Holland asked me to go away with her for a long weekend to her parents' cabin. She'd stayed the night a few times and things got heated each time but we always managed to put on the brakes. I knew if we went away together things would happen. I'm barely a toddler in the lesbian world so I was extremely nervous. I, of course, went to my go to person to talk about the whole situation. No not my brother because as a girl you never want to talk about your sex life with your brother no matter how close you are. Simone was very comforting and made me see there was nothing to be afraid of. We liked each other and she could see we went well together so I needed to let things go the way they were meant to. Our first night at the cabin she made me dinner and we sat by the fireplace laughing and kissing but nothing happened. Over the next few days, we rented snowmobiles and she taught me to shoot a bow and arrow which I didn’t think I would like but ended up loving and being pretty good at. On the final night, the flood gates opened and it was really, really lovely; I was happy we waited. Even after all that, we thought it best to carry on at the same pace. In her words, "We’re good no need to start uhauling."

    When I got back from the trip, Simone and I had a hangout session. I'd been gone for 4 days and we talked/text very little during that time. She asked me about my trip and I told her what happened. She said she was happy I had a good time and was happy for me but she didn't seem happy at all. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was suspicious of Holland's intentions. As great as Holland was there would be times she would take all day to text or call me back which bothered me at first but the more I got to know her the more I came to understand how important her work was and there would be times when her focus on projects would consume her. Simone thought it might mean something else and told me I should be careful. I told her I didn't know what the etiquette was for dating but everything we were doing felt right. I didn't feel rushed or pressured to do or say anything and Holland and I were very open in communicating what we were and how we saw things. She said she would have to trust me and was dropping it. Not an hour later she starts up again and I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up arguing for the first time since we became friends. I'd always heard of female friends fighting about one or the others relationship but I always thought that was juvenile and yet here we were arguing about mine. It wasn't the type of fight where we yelled and called each other horrible names; this isn't Bad Girls Club (an awful show that's hard not to watch) but we did get angry and I ended up leaving.

    Later I talked to my brother and his fiancée about it and they both thought Simone was jealous of the time Holland and I spent together which was taking away from my time with her. I could see how that might be true because Simone had been so used to me being available whenever and that really hadn't the case since I met Holland. Her other best friend traveled all the time and her sister was halfway across the country. When I thought about it, it all made sense so I went to Simone and she said that was only part of it. She was also jealous because she hadn't dated anyone seriously in a long time and here I was practically a hermit outshining her, unintentionally rubbing it in her face. She missed having someone to gush over and make out with. I told her she was my best friend and I wasn't going anywhere. The rest I couldn't do much about except be her wing woman when we went out. She laughed at me and rightfully so. She said she just needed to put herself out there again and see what happened.

    Eventually she met this guy she really liked and the grumpiness/mistrust of Holland's intentions dissipated. Everyone seemed to like Simone's guy friend but me. I'll call him Dick; there wasn't anything overt but this underlying something that just made me skeptical of him which ironically made it no different from the way Simone felt about Holland.

    This year the Super Bowl party was at my parents’ house and was the first time I’d introduced Holland to the rest of my family after dating for 5 months. My brother and his fiancée already liked Holland but the rest of my family was going to be a test because they'd grown so attached to Simone. My mom, Simone, her mom, her best friend and I got mani-pedis together and had brunch on occasion. When my sister was in town, we would all hang together and sometimes they would go without me. It took a lot of convincing for them to let go of the fact that Simone and I were never going to happen. I expected everyone to be pro-Simone and my prediction was true at first. Once the game was out of reach, people began to converse with Holland more and with Simone's help, everyone began to embrace her especially my dad. At the end of the night, my sister and her flappy jaws told Holland she was great for me and she better not hurt me. Holland promised she wouldn’t and I nearly died inside from the sweetness.

    Simone and Dick hit a rough patch that I hoped would end them because she'd been unhappy a lot. I wasn't sure what happened because Simone wouldn't tell me but whatever it was, it made her unhappy and I hated seeing her that way. Shortly after their rough patch ended with them deciding to continue to date, Simone's mom had to have emergency surgery. Simone's dad hadn't been in the picture in a long time so her mom and sister were all she had and she was really scared. I made sure I was there whenever she needed me, picking her sister up from the airport even though I didn't know her from a bag of rocks, bringing them food and clothes, running whatever errands they needed, you name it. Holland and my family also stopped by at various times to help and show support. After Simone's mom was out of the hospital, Simone's sister went back home and Simone moved in to help with her mom's recovery. I went over one night to see if I could help and when I arrived, Dick was there which was completely upsetting Simone. I hadn't realized it until I saw him but the entire time her mom was in the hospital, I didn't see or hear from him at all. After he left, Simone finally opened up to me about all the jerky crap he'd done and she was thinking about ending it. In all the time I'd known Simone, I never thought she was the type who latched on to some dude and allowed herself to be taken for granted and/or mistreated especially since she was always encouraging me to never allow myself to be run over. She always encouraged me to say what was on my mind so I did. I asked why she would even date him because she was beautiful, smart, funny, successful and all around one of the best people I knew. I told her exactly what I thought of him and she should leave him immediately. She agreed with me then thanked me for being a good friend. She called him and ended right there and we talked about it a little bit more before settling in with some Netflix. Later, her mom stirs and I look over and she's nearly asleep but she tries to get up. I tell her I've got it and encouraged her to get some sleep.

    I come back a little while later and she's splayed out on the couch sound asleep. By that time it was 10 at night so I get a bunch of things together for her mom and ask her if there was anything else she needed then covered Simone up with a blanket and left. I'm halfway home when I get a text from Simone thanking me and asking me to call when I made it home. I do as she asks and she continues to thank me for helping out. I didn't see it as a big deal because that's what friends did unless I was missing something. Then out of the blue she says, "I think like you. It's the like kind of like and it's got me really confused." After a little silence due to obvious shock, I told her she probably only felt that way because of Dick and her mom's illness and I was always around. I honestly thought that to be the truth because she was going through a rough time and I was the person she was counting on most. I thought her feelings were simply misplaced. She was silent for a second then said I was probably right and apologized for blurting it out like she did. She made me promise things wouldn't be awkward between us. I told her I was flattered she even thought of me that way and there was nothing to be awkward about. I asked her if we were ok and she said we were.

    That night, I told my brother about what happened and he suggested there still might be some discomfort and I should give Simone time if she needed it. He also advised me not to tell Holland, explaining to me how he would feel about his fiancée spending so much time with a guy friend who had feelings for her; it didn't matter if he knew she wouldn't cheat on him, just the thought of her being around the guy would be an aggravation. The longer I thought about it and placed the shoe on the other foot, the more I realized he was right even though it didn't feel honest.

    Things were a little strange with Simone for a little while but eventually they go back to normal. I didn't stop bringing Holland around but I did temper our affection a little because I didn't want to rub it in Simone's face. Holland questioned it at first but I managed to put her at ease. She and I made things official last month and began spending more time together but I have made sure I made time for Simone because I cared for her and her friendship means a lot to me.

    A few nights ago, Simone and I went shopping which I hate but she loves and we were back at her place having Thai takeout and talking. She brought up wanting to start dating again so we talked about online dating, singles nights and even speed dating. She was game for all of it so we went online to set up a profile on Match.com. After we set up her profile, we were looking at different male profiles when she surprises me by saying maybe she should start looking at women too. I questioned it and she said, "I fell in love with you didn't I?" Before I could say anything, she said she was sorry for bringing it back up but she kept talking without expecting me to provide any kind of response or feedback, much like when we first met. She said I had to know she didn't just like me, how could I not? She tried to deny it by telling herself there was no way she was attracted to woman and indulged in distractions like dating Dick but when Holland and I started getting serious, her feelings only intensified. While I was on my trip with Holland she knew what she felt was more because she nearly lost her mind especially when I didn't return her texts. After that it was hard being around me without wanting more. When I rejected her it was a huge blow because she was sure on some level the feelings were mutual. I didn't know what to say but after a very long pause, I finally asked some rapid fire questions. Why wait until we were back to being normal before saying all of this because it all felt wrong? Holland and her were friends how could she wait until we were together to drop this bomb? When did like turn to love because a few weeks previous she only liked me? What did she want from me? I didn't wait to hear her answers because I wanted to leave so I did.

    I left because Holland, sweet, thoughtful, amazing Holland who I've grown so close to and who I have seen a future with; how dare I think for a second about ruining what I'm building with her for uncertainty with Simone? But I did, just for a second. Every conversation Simone and I had about her future, love and sex no matter how brief or elaborate was about men. Even when I created hypothetical scenarios involving her and women she would shrug it off and say it would never happen. Those conversations were real with no hesitation or doubt. I'd put my feelings aside now? Is it because she confessed to having real feelings for me? Does her confession have such impact because my feelings for her were established before I met Holland? Maybe my feelings are the ones that are misplaced? Maybe I don't have feelings for her in that way, I just think I do? Things with Simone have the potential to be like what I had with the girl in college, could that be a reason why I'm questioning my feelings for her or am I just introducing variable after variable and complicating things because I don't want to have to deal with them because avoidance has always been how I deal with most human interaction? But the thought of Holland is always there too. With Holland there are no complications, I know she likes women, I know her feelings aren't misplaced and aren't conditional and our lives, thoughts and what we want is out in the open with no ambiguity and she makes me happy. I do really, really, really like her. I would even go so far as to say I was falling in love with her. What am I supposed to tell her?

    Simone has called and text me many times since then and I haven't responded. I've run into her at work and have done everything I could to avoid her including blocking her IMs. Every move I've made has been drastic but is it right for me to talk to her without knowing what I really feel or want? Holland and I have been seeing one another as we normally do but she can tell something is wrong. Because she is so amazing she hasn't pressured me into talking about it. Instead, she's told me to come to her when I'm ready and has essentially left it alone but let me know she's always there. I've already lied to her by omitting Simone's first confession and now I feel like I don't deserve her because I'm still lying and maybe I don't deserve her. Now I'm having a pity party.

    I don't know what I'm doing at all, where my feelings are, or what I should do next. How the heck someone like me end up in a situation like this?
     
    #4
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: a VERY LONG story about a shy, hopeless g...

    Someone like you can end up like this because people find it easy to love you.

    I guess it did get messy, this friendship. For me, I would firstly tell Simone to give you space and everything will be ok. She is telling you how she feels and there is no fault in it. If you went with her, she very well may end up like the college girl, oooor. Even if she did end up like college girl, you probably would have done it if you were single, yes? Because if you didn't even try with Simone, your feelings may come back and bite you in the beehind.

    But then there's Holland. If you had met Holland and Simone at the same time and you did not know either one's sexuality, which one would have haunted your dreams?

    If you are official with Holland, whatever happens, this is probably the time to tell her what is going on. Even if you are tempted to go with Simone and Holland at times feel like a consolation price because you thought Simone was straight at the time (she still can be but thought that life with be grand being in love with a best friend). You didn't lie to Holland by not disclosing something that you thought you had already put to bed. It will be a challenge for you and Holland when you tell her. Because she might just guessed it already how you really feel between the two of them. If you had been sure that Simone were gay she would have been it by now. It will be messy trusting Holland and talking it out but it will be a lot better than letting this fester. She is wise to it already and keeping it from her is making you lose more perspective as time goes by.

    Somewhere in your conversation with Holland you might opt for where the love is really is. You are being careful, because you are a writer and you can convince yourself of stuff, of going with something easy and steady instead of love. I think you are at least physically more attracted to Simone, because, well she is called Simone and the other sexy one is named after geography, sexy wet geography, but still, more grounded? If you placed each lady at end of a fork in the road which one seems more like your destiny?

    A couple of things though, Simone does show less emotional maturity than Holland. She tried sabotaging your relationship with Holland because she was jealous. She also picked up a throw-away relationship with Dick when she really wanted you. It could be par for the course for someone who is in love and therefore temporarily insane. But if you went with her and she is not the college girl type but stays with you do you think she is as considerate a lover as Holland? Would Simone be a satisfying lover in the long term?

    Sorry but I am rambling myself. It is quite late where I am and I am literally pouring my thoughts out as I type. I am sorry this is a giant Frost poem in action for you. Ultimately, you are very lucky even in this drama, everyone in your life is a great person.
     
    #5

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