A tough decision.

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by runhappy, Jun 26, 2015.

  1. runhappy

    runhappy New Member

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    Comments are appreciated, but not necessary. Thank you for taking the time to read this:

    I've been in a 3 year relationship with a girl who has had a hard process in coming out. Every person, including her parents, that she has trusted and came out too have viewed it negatively. I on the other hand have had it easy and been accepted by everyone I chose to come out too. This has put a large strain on our relationship.

    Her parents don't accept me and will never accept me. They told her I manipulated her into the relationship and other nasty nasty things. Recently she went to visit her family and her father asked her if she's still trying this "gay thing". She said she didn't know, trying to divert the conversation, and her father ended up saying, "Well why don't you date guys and get it over with."

    When she finally told me what her father said I snapped. Not my proudest moment. I was so angry at her father and her family for being so unfair. They were hurting the person I loved.. and I couldn't believe such people existed. Because I reacted so harshly, she ended it.

    Every time we tried to talk about her family I kept telling her to have faith that they will come around. Well this made her angry every time and she lashed out at me.

    She told me I would never understand, I would never get it.. I would never have to face or experience this because I had the privilege of supporting parents. I tried to tell her that I understand it's a reality we would have to face and I would always support her. I also told her, true, I would never understand what she is feeling -- because I just won't.

    We broke up multiple times over it. But I think I'm at my end.

    I know if I continue to pursue this she would ultimately have to choose her family over me. I'm not capable of having her make that decision nor am I selfish enough. I told her that I won't be in the way anymore. So I finally said I can't do anything more about it and wished her the best.

    I can't come between her and her family. I don't know what she's going through and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I tried to ease her mind by telling her they will come around eventually but even that was thrown in my face.

    I believe she is projecting her anger at her parents out on me. That anger turns into jealousy and resentment.

    I do love her, and ultimately I want her happy. With, or without me.

    It's just unfair that outside parties can mess up what two people share. Feels like it was stolen from me without my consent and there's nothing I can do about it.
     
    #1
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2015
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  2. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    How sad that this is happening to you. I'm guessing that your gf is quite young and still in the mindset of needing her parents approval.
    It's also heartbreaking that she told you about that conversation and turned it into an opportunity to break up with you. It sounds as though you love her very much and in the end she treated you badly because she is receiving bad parenting and isn't making her own decisions as an adult yet.
    You deserve to be loved and cherished, to have someone who is proud to be with you and to have someone who would be willing to fight to be with you. Dosent sound like that is her.
    Give yourself plenty of time to mourn this relationship. You love her but she's letting her parents run her life which means that she really isn't available or ready for a solid relationship. Sh could be years in trying to figure out her truth.
    The good news is that you Boo is still out there and you will find her when the time is right. Good luck!
     
    #2
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Jellohead is right and I hope you can find someone who is at the right place alongside with you. I bet the whole exercise of loving someone who is in a different place is quite exhausting because she saw you as the privileged one and someone who just didn't understand her. I have found that I could never say anything about someone else's parents no matter how awful they are. I find that I can only listen to someone complaining about her own parents and barely nod in agreement. It is a whole different ball of wax when someone's else parents are your in-law(ish) and saying bad things about you. I am so sorry it didn't work out and wish you the best.
     
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  4. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Because of her family's upbringing - she's in a very rough place compared to you... that support system make a big difference to people coming out. Look how so many people in such position will even get into politics, maybe have kids - then publicly denounce homosexuality and make laws against homosexuals... all the while, they ARE homosexual, having sex with people of the same sex, cheating on their wives.

    And, it could be even worse for her. Many young homosexuals have been thrown out of their homes, kicked out of the family. More boys than girls I think, and some as young as 14 or so.

    I feel for you, but she's hurting and is in a bad place that she isn't able to escape. Most of her family is telling her "you're going through a phase" or "You're just gay because its popular", etc. You posted some of the horrible things her dad has told her. They are not loving parents, they are simply keeping up appearances. What will most likely happen, she will start dating a guy or two, maybe someone who doesn't like/want sex because of his religion (yes, there are people like that. Sexless marriages) - and after they move out, into their own home and in a different city, she'll eventually break up with him in several years; especially if she has some independence with the help of education and career.

    Or, she somehow gets paired with a gay guy, and they both have a pretend marriage. Wouldn't be the first time.

    These horror stories will continue - but they do get better each year and with each generation. But even today, there are teens that are taught that homosexuals are evil, etc. My 18yr old niece got into a fb fight with a boy about Same Sex Marriages in all 50 states (YA!). He's ignorant and said it wasn't legal in our state, I showed her how to prove a point with such battles. I had her reads the 1st & 14th Amendments to our Constitution, then post them. His rebuttal was stupid and blocked her.

    It will get better, it is getting better.
    The USA wasn't the first country to allow SSM to its citizens, but we are the most notable. Other countries *ARE* taking notice as its citizens demand civil rights.
     
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  5. Crystalized_Infinity

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    Having recently been in a relationship where parental involvement was an issue, I understand how overwhelming it must be for you.
    All I can say is - don't let their opinions/beliefs in ANY way change your feelings about yourself, or question yourself or anything like that. I took me a long time to get rid of the negative and angry feelings I had about my partner's parents, but at the end of the day they are parents - they believe they are looking out for their daughter, as messed up and as bigoted it may be. Hopefully one day they are able to accept their daughter for who she is, and hopefully she too is able to push beyond her parent's views.
     
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  6. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I agree that alot of her feelings have to do with age. When you're young you still want to please your parents. With age she'l be able to separate herself from their expectations. Since she's aready told them she's gay, it will take time for them to accept it. They may never tell her they accept it, but when she's ready to move on and begin her own life separate from them it won't hurt her as much. But, you shouldn't plan on waiting around for that to happen. It's going to be years before she's ready to be her own person. You do need to find someone who either has a better relationship with their parents, or who just doesn't care if they can't deal with her being gay.

    And, good for your parents for being understanding and loving you because you are their daughter no matter what. You should be proud of them. Unfortunately, there are far too many parents who put conditions on their love of their own children. It sucks for them. Try to be as compassionate as possible when you meet other lesbians who have to go through that. Sometimes saying that things will eventually get better can sound dismissive, even if you don't mean it to.
     
    #6
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