A little advice perhaps.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by charmingcupcakes, Jan 11, 2015.

  1. charmingcupcakes

    charmingcupcakes New Member

    Jan 11, 2015
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    So... I've been in a relationship with my fiance for almost 7 years now. She was not my first relationship with a woman, though my first physical relationship ever. From the start, we had such a great connection mentally and emotionally and that is something that was never an issue for us. We've always had that deep love and caring for one another, hence our being engaged. Honestly, I don't even refer to her as my girlfriend as much, more as my wife when I speak of her. However our sex life has been fairly nonexistent since the very beginning.

    I've never been very comfortable with my body shape/size and that is still a bit of an issue for me even though I'm now 27 (she is the same age as me). However with her, I'm extremely comfortable being naked around her and having her touch me. The problem has always been the opposite and it was never anything about her that kept me from showing her how I feel. She turns me on, always has and still does on a fairly daily basis, though I am horrible about starting anything. My insecurities get the better of me and I'm afraid of turning her off in any way or ruining a moment by being clumsy with my body. We've talked about it over the years and she's more than expressed her frustrations with me about how I make her feel unwanted, which is so far from the truth. And I have never been able to push past that wall...

    In the last couple of years, she ended up finding a cancerous tumor on the back of her neck and underwent chemo for a year to remove it. That was the hardest thing to overcome with her, but it honestly made me want her more. That connection between us only deepened, though coming out of it really messed her up mentally. She loves me, we love each other terribly, but I still don't feel enough for her.

    A few months after her last clear scan, we met this girl that is about 8 years younger than us and she immediately started falling for her. My gf has talked about polygamy very briefly before and it came up even more so once this girl came into our life. Honestly, I fell a little in love with her too, though I think a lot of it was because of my own partner's feelings. We discussed it for several months before we found out she felt the same way for my partner and we've just fell into a triad. My partner is dating both of us and in a way she and I are dating as well, but there is no physical relationship between she and I. Within no time at all, they started having sex. I was completely okay with it, but it's messing with me emotionally the more time they spend together.

    My partner had previously begun believing that I am simply asexual and I believed it too for a while, though I seriously don't feel that way much anymore. She has a very high sex drive and I know because of my body size, mine is much lower which is part of the problem between us. Another part of it was because of our living/job situation as well and it never seemed that we had time for one another. Even just to be close and intimate in a general way. Plus the stress from it all, I believe, was deteriorating us. We've recently moved since then and a lot of that stress has left me, both of us, not to mention I've lost quite a bit of weight over the last couple of years and I've noticed an increase in my sex drive. However, my partner doesn't seem as willing to be that way with me anymore. Not to mention she now has someone else that completely fills that 'void' as I'm starting to call it in my head.

    I've tried a few times, to initiate, to tell her how I feel and she thinks it's all because she's introduced someone new into our life. She thinks I'm just 'competing' with her and maybe that's a little true, but I also don't want to loose the physical relationship with my partner. Not when things seem to be going so well for us in our own personal lives.

    I am her wife, first and foremost and she swears that this other relationship will not last forever, but it's so hard to believe that some days. I know she would never leave me, not after everything we have been through together. It sounds completely naive to say that, but I honestly believe that. I just don't know what to do or say to make her want me just as much as she wants her other girlfriend.
  2. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

    May 30, 2014
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    You could start working out, since your low self esteem comes from that. The better you will look, the more confident you'll be and those hormones released from working out will increase your sex drive. She talks like this and not be into you for the moment, but once you make those changes, she might think twice about what she's saying.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    You and your wife are not communicating sexually and have never learned how. Try to pinpoint that and not worry about the triad. It is already done and she is committed to a relationship with both of you. You can't go into a relationship and expect a time duration and she is unfair to all 3 of you to say that it is temporary.

    I see the best thing is to start with a sex therapist. Even if it doesn't work for you in this relationship it may help you with how you view sex and intimacy overall. If for some reason you can't go to a sex therapist then maybe tell her all the things you posted here. If you are comfortable with it, show her the post and maybe have her join this discussion. (I completely understand if you just need a more anonymous sounding board instead). Fix your sense of self, fix your relationship then the whole triad thing will become more clear. You love each other, give time, give talk, give listen.
    Nancy likes this.

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