A femme that likes femmes and is in the closet...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by J, May 19, 2015.

  1. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    Can you get any more invisble than that? The fact that by looking at me you wouldn't immediately think, "Lesbian!" makes it so much easier for me to remain hidden.

    I am 25 yrs old and I've never been in a relationship, never had sex. Maybe people think I'm afraid of intimacy or that I'm a "goodie two shoes". I am scared, but it's the fear of people hating me for who I am, not affection or being with someone. Honestly all I want to do is kiss a pretty girl and cuddle on the couch with my girlfriend. Everyone thinks I am fine being alone, but I yearn for the affection of a romantic partner, it's all I can think about.

    I'm running out of excuses as to why I turn down every guy, even though he's attractive, funny, nice etc etc. Sometimes I wish I could say to them: I'm sorry bro, I'd much rather date your sister. My friends and family wonder why I am perpetually single but I think most of them don't have a clue. I'm sure some of them have their suspicions deep down...but I am so afraid and I'm angry at myself that I can't just come out. I am so used to hiding and holding this secret that I don't know how else to be. In all other regards, I'm confident, social and funny, but inside the internal turmoil I go through daily is driving me completely insane. It's a quiet suffering that has me suffocating every day.

    I have posted here several times before and it helps me get things off my chest...but the catharsis I get from posting on a forum can never compare to actually being out of course. I've told two of my friends, but both are abroad and not connected to my life in my hometown. And one of them I've lost touch with. I've kissed girls twice before, both times at a club, somehow away from the eyes of my friends. While no substantial relationship came out of that, those moments were glorious, because during those moments of dancing and kissing, I was myself and I was FREE.

    I am SO tired of hiding...but I let the fear of being out run my life. There's a hopeful part of me that believes that when I come out, it won't be as big of a deal as I am making it out to be and that when my friends talk about dates and crushes on guys, I can join in but talk about girls...another part believes that everything will change, mainly because my best friends won't be able to accept me. If that were to happen, my heart would break into a million pieces.

    I have even looked around on Tinder and dating sites but I don't have the courage to post photos on there because I am afraid a friend of a friend of a friend will see and word will somehow get out. So I can't even go on secret dates due to my crippling fear.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Isn't it exhausting that a simple orientation is a lifelong secret? That we even have to come out? That our friends just assume we prefer men? I have a feeling from what you have described that not having people around know is a burden and it is best to lay it down. Try finding one...or two friends who you think will accept it best and ease into it that way by telling them. There are a lot of very inspirational coming out stories in the coming out section of the forums and I suggest that you read them for camaraderie and for your solace. Good luck to you. :)
     
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  3. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Im sorry,that sounds rough. And for me, mid to late twenties is when you really start realising what it is you want out of life. Maybe take it one tiny brave step at a time. Have a think, a good long think, about another friend you don't think will judge you for you. I'm sure there's at least one that will come to mind. Then tell that person. See how that goes and start from there.

    If you ever need to talk or just want an international friend :) Send me a messages:)
     
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  4. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    It certainly is exhausting...I do in fact have a few good friends who are also abroad that I text regularly that I could tell, and they probably already know but just waiting for me to say something. You're probably thinking, well say something already! Even some of my family would probably be more than ok with it after the initial surprise. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I find it on the tip of my tongue occasionally, all I want to do is word vomit but my fear holds me back each time. My friend abroad who does know has tried to push me many times to come out, but after a while I got fed up and irritated and told him to stop because he was being beyond annoying. He meant well and cares for me a lot and I am soooo lucky to have that, but coming out is sensitive as everyone here knows, and it's something that you need to do out of your own volition.

    Anyways, thanks a lot for your advice. I will definitely look at the other coming out threads. I wish there was a magic fearless potion I could take to say it out loud to the world lol
     
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  5. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    Thanks a lot for your kind words...as I said to greylin, there are several people that come to mind that I could tell, but fear is a powerful thing. I play out a scenario in my head where I tell my sister or my cousin, I'm close with both of them, and I know they would be supportive and tease me as a joke, they'd probably say it makes so much sense of my behaviour when it comes to guys, but I think of the embarassment I would feel. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think, is there this tiny part of me deep down that is ashamed to like women? It does feel weird to even write out "I am gay" or "I like girls", like I am not comfortable with it and they are foreign words on my tongue. But then I think, it doesn't make sense because I KNOW there is nothing wrong with it, even when I was young (before I realized I liked women) and every time I come into contact with a homophobic person or hear hateful comments, I get livid because it is also a personal attack on me as well as the gay community, but I guess I've been in the closet (and in pain) for so long I don't know what I would feel or how I would act if I was all of a sudden open about who I am.
     
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  6. u-45641817

    u-45641817 New Member

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    J, sweet J. You're so considered about others and how they will feel about it. Stop pressuring yourself to come out. It's not something you push yourself into and hope for the best. Coming out starts with you and how comfortable you are with it. Once you achieve that everything is a stepping stone to being okay with it.
     
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  7. littlenikki15

    littlenikki15 Well-Known Member

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    You sound exactly like me... I posted on here and other places a bunch of times, asked other people, anything to find the courage or words to come out. I knew for 11 years that I was gay before my mom finally just asked. I made myself (literally) sick from the stress and worry of someone finding out. I was depressed as well. I thought there was no way a bunch of my family and friends would be okay with it and what do ya know, every single person has been okay with it. 2 years later. The weight that is lifted and the freedom you have is so uncomparable. I am 26 now and everyone bugs me to go live my life, date, find the one, etc. My problem now is just being comfortable and confident with myself because I still don't have it in me to approach anyone or date anyone even though that's ALL I want and I am oh so lonely. It's funny that for a living, I am a caregiver and yet, I make myself suffer. It's so worth it girly! If you are comfortable and confident in yourself and just worried about others, DON'T BE. You have to be happy for yourself, it takes a very long time to figure that all out.
     
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  8. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    It feels comforting to know that there are people who feel the same way. That's why I come to these forums every once in a while. I can't tell you how many times I play my "coming out scene" in my head to my family and friends. I can never decide on an ending because I'm not sure how they will react.

    In all other respects I'm confident, and I know who I am (as much as I can at my young age), I'm just afraid of how other people will react to who I actually am. I act like I don't care what people think, and in many cases I don't, but in this case I do.

    Thanks for taking the time to respond.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @J, what are you afraid of with coming out? Do you have a specific fear, like that your parents will cut you off financially or that you will be hurt or gay bashed? Or is it more of a vague, generalized fear?

    If you have a specific fear, it is best to address that. Such as becoming financially independent before coming out to parents.

    But if the fear is more vague, you kind of have to take it one step at a time. What would happen if you came out? What would be better? If a friend had a tough time for awhile, do you think they would get over it and accept you? Anyhow, if you want to talk, keep posting or pm me.
     
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  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I was you 30 years ago. I was most worried about my mother finding out. Today, if I had to do t all over again I would have sought out a relationship when I was in my early 20s instead of waiting until my mid 30s. My mother would have still been critical of me no matter what, so my coming out wouldn't have made a bit of difference. All my female friends that I was so afraid of losing went in a different direction in life. They married and had kids then wanted to hang with other married people with kids. So, I lost those friendships anyway.

    My advice is to be yourself and don't give a shit what others will think. They'll all live their lives for themselves whether they know you're gay or not. My sister actually thought I was jealous of her because she had so many boyfriends while I had none. She would still have been a self-absorbed asshat even if she knew I liked girls, so I waited for nothing. I waited until all those people I was so worried about finding out were either dead or married. I was alone so long that I think I'm just too independent today to ever be in a long term relationship. Don't wait until you get so used to being lone that you can't imagine being with someone long term.
     
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  11. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    I'm afraid that my friends will not accept it or that they won't shun me but they will act weird around me or our dynamic will change. I'm always very aware of how they react to "gay things" and trying to gauge how they would feel about me can be more confusing than a straight girl crush lol..
    I know I should just not care what people think and move forward with my life but I keep holding myself back.
     
    #11
  12. J

    J Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for the advice...I want to start by telling my sister or cousin because I know they'd be fine with it but even then I don't know where to start.
     
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  13. _mirage_

    _mirage_ Well-Known Member

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    Hey there, we are pretty similar in many aspects. The advice I give, which is good although I haven't taken it fully myself, is to come out. It really seems like you are suffering because you feel that you are hiding. I get being the goody two shoes. But, this is really starting to impact your life negatively if it is all you can think about. You may want to come out to your family or to your other friends. You can waste your whole life away worrying about what others think, or you can live it for yourself and let people show their real colors: if they accept you and are supportive, they are good friends and a positive relationship to have in your life. If they don't accept you or support you, then these are people that should be weeded out of your life anyway. You wouldn't want to hold onto them, only to realize twenty years from now that their friendship to you was meaningless because they throw it away after learning about some personal aspect of your life. Hiding is not forever!

    Maybe it is time you ended it. If you are too afraid to sit everyone down to have 'the talk,' you can go for a different way to do it. A facebook post? (lol!) Or more easily, just go any live your life, expressing your sexuality when you want. Meet a girl, flirt with a girl, go to a gay club, go to a community event. Then, if someone asks why or is baffled, you have a great excuse to 'come out.' ;) It really isn't their personal business anyway, unless they are in an intimate relationship with you.

    Stop letting fear bully you into living under a rock. You don't deserve it. Real friends and true family will stick around. It may not be pretty, but it will be worth it. Go on Tinder! Put a picture up. Give it a try, if you'd like. Look up a lesbian dating website, if you're more brave online than in public.

    :)
     
    #13

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