9 years together and now... I'm going crazy

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by marti_rnr, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. marti_rnr

    marti_rnr Member

    Jan 31, 2015
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    Hello ladies,
    you're probably think that I'm a bad person but... after 9 years I'm thinking to cheating on her.
    We meet 9 years ago and after one year we went living together.
    Now it's like been married and... I'm little bit bored.
    She loves me, I know it for sure, but me?
    I'm not sure.

    I feel like being in prison.

    Any advice?
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Don't cheat on her.

    It doesn't seem like it now, but there is a good, responsible, amicable way to handle this, and an asshole way to handle this. In the moment, both things are going to hurt her - but in the long run, they are very different.

    Cheating on her would be the asshole way to handle it. It ignores her capacity and her consent and gives her no options about what she wants to happen. It assumes that she would prefer to have a partner who lies to her but is still with her than a partner who tells the truth and allows the relationship to end or evolve (and spoiler, when she finds out, she will not think you did it out of kindness to let her preserve her love; she will believe you did it out of cowardice).

    In another post, you said you were polyamorous, and she is monogamous. I'd like to remind you that cheating is not polyamory or an open relationship, because cheating is not consensual. If you want to handle this in the grown-up responsible way, you need to have a conversation with your partner in which you say (a) this has been a great 9 years, and (b) I am not happy with this relationship any more.

    What you say after that depends on what you want. Is there any change or action that would cause you to NOT be bored or "imprisoned" in your relationship? Options include couples counseling, shaking things up (romance, sex, lifestyle, whatever), trying an open relationship, breaking up. If you think that there is something that can be done, you can suggest it and ask her if she would like to try to make that change with you. Depending on what it is, she might say no, and that will mean that you have reached an impasse and your relationship is effectively over. If there is no change that you think will work, then you are already there.

    Relationship end - even long-term, good relationships. It sucks, but it's not a failure or mandate to cheat. Dealing with that thoughtfully and directly, and respecting that your partner deserves a say in how your relationship proceeds or how it ends, is crucial to handling your feelings in a way that you can be proud of later.
    Nancy, greylin, Spygirl and 1 other person like this.
  3. marti_rnr

    marti_rnr Member

    Jan 31, 2015
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    Hey thanks for advice.

    I understand exactly what you're saying and being stucked it's probably because I'm doing nothing right now (neither the asshole way for the record).
    And I know that believing in polyamory doesnt' mean cheating on her.

    But sometimes it's not easy...

    You're making me thinking.
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    If you have someone in mind, and if you think it is so irresistible now, remember, you will be tainting the beginning of a relationship with that person when you don't have your partner's consent. It will be difficult for you to get over how you have lost your integrity from handling things badly. It is not just destroying a trust that another person has in you, it is a slippery slope where you won't be able to have the confidence in yourself to always try doing the right thing. Before you commit a wrong to your partner, you can talk about just anything, you just can't see it at the moment is all.

    Change is okay, cheating is not.
    Spygirl likes this.
  5. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Dec 1, 2014
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    If you're thinking of cheating on her it's probably a good sign that you need to take a hard look at yourself and evaluate why...is it a physical itch you need scratched, the rush and thrill of it, because you're bored and losing feelings for her. And then take a look at your relationship seriously and work out if you're still in it or if you're already half way out
    rainydaze and Nancy like this.

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