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Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Maisy, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. Maisy

    Maisy New Member

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    #1
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If you have concerns about being in a relationship at work, then I would not do it. If you think that this could lead to something serious like a lifetime love then it is something to consider, but I am not getting that from your description. I don't know what your work environment is but if you get caught and she doesn't want people to think that she is gay she could turn on you real fast for what you are doing now and cry harassment. I would back off gently and not be abrupt if I were to stop.
     
    #2
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Extremely serious, non-snarky question: how did you even end up naked in your bed with her caressing you without some sort of implicit or explicit acknowledgement of attraction? For the life of me, I can't even imagine a situation in my life where that happened and I was left going, "huh, I wonder if that girl running her hands over my naked body likes me."

    The very fact that you don't know tells me that this is not a great situation, even before we add "workplace flirtation" into the mix. Adults who are prepared to behave like decent human beings in relationships are capable of saying, "Hey, so, I like you! Let's do this!" before getting all handsy and physically affectionate. On the other hand, people who are not prepared to handle relationships are usually very comfortable with boundary-less flirtation, playful-but-possibly-meaningless declarations of love, and weirdly sexual accidental situations... like somehow having your clothes fall off before you end up in bed (what?).

    What you can do here is behave like a person with a brain and adult communication skills. "I love our flirting and affection, and I was wondering if you want to [go on a date/make out with me/be officially FWB/sleep together]." The way to figure out what she wants you to do is asking her what she wants you to do. It's awkward, sure, but it's not complicated. If she's not ready for you to make a move, she will say no. If she doesn't want to admit what's going on, she'll be weird and avoidant and you'll have an answer. If she has been waiting for the ask, she'll be thrilled and you'll know what's going on. Everybody wins!

    Bonus: everything that you actually talk about is consensual! Enthusiastic! Mutually wanted! And therefore above board when it comes to this being a coworker. The situation you're in now, unclear and unacknowledged, is a risky one in terms of potential harassment or retaliation if something goes south.
     
    #3
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  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    I have to second Lorienczhiu's response which sums up anything helpful I could say, only is worded more succinctly than I can seem to manage! Well done!

    I just have to admit, because I try to practice empathy generally, I tend to try to imagine being in someone else's situation to understand better how that person would be feeling....
    Except, in this particular situation, honestly, I almost laughed out loud trying to imagine myself in my bed in nothing but my underwear with someone's hands running up and down my body, and having to ask myself or anyone else if there is something sexual going on here!?! :) in what universe? or how drunk would i have to be? LOL! Seriously?

    Sorry, Back on track though:
    I think mind-reading another's attraction is a romanticized notion we have from childhood or hollywood or novels? I think it is ingrained early and is not helpful...We all need to work hard to outgrow this. it is over-rated and not very effective in real-life relationships, but it can also get us into some confusing, dangerous, or remorseful circumstances. The key is communication, communication, communication, and more communication!...Say what you want and don't want, be sure you listen to her when she does the same. Be adults; always make sure consent is clear. It is safer, cleaner, and just feels better. (Also, any woman with extra weight and who is older is going to like hearing a direct statement about how attractive you find her. That is a confidence booster and a big turn on! She doesn't want to hope or guess. So don't be ambiguous about that! We thicker, older ladies like to hear that we've still got it! HaHa!)...

    BUT......
    Work relationships, while it makes sense that attraction can build there, can be very messy, and in some cases an absolute nightmare. At the very least, even if you both stay fine with each other, it can make your co-workers uncomfortable (the not-so-subtle touching, kissing, and I love yous), and is unprofessional. Make agreements to keep that stuff outside of the work place starting now (...which can also be very hot, btw,...tension builds and you can look forward to getting at each other after you get off work.) Being written up, scrutinized, or even fired can definitely snuff out a budding romance. It would be hard to keep that loving feeling if you view that person you are not even totally certain about as the reason you are denied a promotion, or treated awkwardly by co-workers, or even unemployed!

    (Side note: While my big love and myself met and became friends at work (we were equal co-workers), I can honestly say we never shared one touch or kiss while on the job/at the work place. It was very exciting. And when we let our co-workers know that we were a thing later when we were sure how serious we were, they were all surprised because no one on our team had a clue. And then, one of us moved on to another job, because in many work environments it is just too difficult to maintain romantic and professional relationships simultaneously.)

    Good luck and have fun! It sounds like you are both really hot and bothered for each other!
     
    #4
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2016
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  5. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Well,it sounds to me like you two have already crossed the unspoken sexual boundary.........I say this because of your post"naked in bed,running hands on each other's bodies,she said if you ever have sex..........".I may be wrong but it looks like she's up for an experiment when you maybe getting deeply involved without you having realised this.She has told you she's not a lesbian and finds women attractive.Have you told her about your sexuality and if the flirtation gets serious,what are the implications for 1)your work and hers 2) your feelings?I don't think it's an issue of age here.She's not gay but attracted to you and as such,if you are having fun with each other,then things will end up being different when feelings become heavy.Be prepared for the fallout.Personally,I'd say,if you are having fun with each other then go with the flow BUT if you want to be in a serious relationship,then talk about it so that you all know where you stand!
     
    #5
  6. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I don't think the issue here is whether there is an attraction or not, or if it is sexual or not. Like others have said, you are way passed that.

    I think what you need to figure out is what do you want from this (besides the sex part) and whether you can actually get it. For example, if you want to have a committed relationship or just a fling, and whether that is possible with her realistically.

    As a side note, having an age gap is not an issue unless it is for you. And one can have self-conscious issues at any age.
     
    #6
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  7. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I really think that you need to decide whether you're ready to just have fun with her or not if you decide that you wanna be with her. She's definitely int you but for some reason I feel that she's not really into serious relationships. If you're into these, I suggest to not go further than this.
    Also-you two work together so it's gonna be awkward if things don't work out.
    If I were you, I'd try to talk to her directly and then decide. With some people, the direct approach is the best way to know things :)
     
    #7
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You don't seem to have taken any of the advice. Why not? Not that you are obligated - that is not what I am trying to say at all. What I am trying to figure out is why you haven't 1) set any boundaries for yourself at work and 2) tried to communicate anything with her? You are being incredibly passive and non-communicative in this situation - why? All the advice here was to communicate - but you haven't. Why not?

    Is she 13? Honestly, I am just baffled by this. Your profile says that you are 31, but this stuff sounds more like what a teen would do - pass someone a note "hey, I like you like you, do you like me? Circle yes or no."

    I am not trying to be insulting - I am just really trying to understand this. It's like you gals are playing some kind of game of reverse chicken. Like who can go the longest not acknowledging the obvious. Why? What reason is there for totally avoiding having an honest talk about the obvious?

    We all know what I am going to say here....

    Just bang her.

    But seriously, I am with all the other posters who are confused by how you wound up in bed naked, but were unsure if her intentions were sexual and she if was attracted to you. I tend to be pretty protective of myself. I don't let people do things to my body, unless I know what they are doing and why. In other words, no naked caressing without a few dates and a conversation or two about if we liked each other.

    I am just really puzzled by this thread, I am sure the OP has reasons for doing (or not doing) things. I am very curious to hear what those reasons are.
     
    #8
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