6 year relationship on the rocks

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ker3409, Mar 15, 2014.

  1. ker3409

    ker3409 Member

    Nov 28, 2013
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    So this will be very long-winded, I apologize. My girlfriend and I are going to a therapist on Monday but I wanted to get some insight from elsewhere.

    So we've been together for just about 6 years... we got together at a young age (20). We've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day she is my best friend, the person I have wanted to marry since day one, and I love her more than anything and visa versa. That's why we've made it this far. Despite everything we've tried to make it work. Our issues never stem from inside of our relationship - when it's the two of us on vacation or away from everyone else we're perfect together but when other people get involved we can't seem to make it work. And life certainly doesn't work in a bubble.

    I've had a fairly easy time of it coming out and being out - my family is super supportive, just wants to see me happy, and adores my girlfriend so there have never been any issues there. I'm really secure in my sexuality and I'm out - it's really important to me to be out completely and never have to hide who I am. I'm out to work, family, friends, acquaintances if they talk to me for more than 5 minutes.

    When my girlfriend came out her family flipped. That was 6 years ago. They were terrible to her - called her disgusting, told her she was going to burn in hell and all of these types of things. Her parents especially but her sisters weren't very supportive either. I wasn't allowed over there the first few years we were together. At that point we were younger and it didn't tend to interfere with our relationship too much. Since then it's more just something they don't really talk about. They say they love her and support her but they pretty much ignore the fact that she's gay. If there are family functions they invite her sisters boyfriends but not me, etc.

    They now say they're not homophobic they just hate me and hate having me in her life. They don't really know me very well aside from the fact that I'm a very out, liberal Democrat, vegetarian lesbian with tattoos (all things they hate). And that I influence her to stand up to them and what not which is also not a good thing in their eyes. Anything my gf decides to do to go against them they blame on me instead of on her even if I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

    They still pay for my girlfriend's schooling (she'll be done in a year) and insist that she cannot tell her extended family and basically control many aspects of her life. They use money as a manipulation tool. My girlfriend doesn't care that much about the money but she thinks if she takes out loans they'll cut her off completely emotionally. She's very sensitive and doesn't handle rejection well and is extremely hurt by her family for obvious reasons. She still spends holidays and what not with them which has been a huge source of disagreement with us. She doesn't want to cut them out of her life, she knows that they treat her like shit most of the time and are very unsupportive in many aspects ... not necessarily just the being gay but they tend to very unsupportive of any decision they don't completely agree with or suggest. However, she doesn't want to not have her family be at least some part of her life which I get I suppose even though their relationship is very unhealthy.

    It's gotten to the point now where we're living together but her mom insists on still being involved and voicing her disapproval of me as a person ... she bitched me out this past weekend although I was very respectful and didn't say anything that could have been taken the wrong way in response. It's effecting our relationship in big ways. I've been ready to get married and be independent of them and live our lives for a long time now but we can't do what we want b/c they always have a say.

    My girlfriend has agreed at least that no more holidays with them. She doesn't want to take out loans because she's scared but I don't think anything will change until she's free of them monetarily. Her sister's wedding is coming up in a few months and I was actually invited but told I have to go as a family friend, not as her girlfriend b/c her extended family doesn't know. This obviously makes me feel like shit and I'm not okay with being in the closet. I doubt I'll go at all. They ask her to come home and she goes. They ask her to jump and she says how high. If she stands up to them they treat her like crap and bitch her out and ignore her for days and she caves. I really empathize with all of this but right now we're in limbo because of it all. It would obviously be easier for her just to be single and meet some girl down the road when she's done with her doctoral program and can do more of what she wants. She doesn't want that but she doesn't want to cut anyone out of her life at all. Right now it's not working with everyone involved as they are. I feel like crap about myself any time her parents get involved. And I don't feel like we're a team with them on the outside. Which is how it should be six years in. It should be us against the world. And she loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me but anytime she goes home her parents pretty much make it clear that they won't have a good relationship with her until I'm out of the picture.

    So now we're stuck and honestly the ball is in her court -- she needs to decide whether to be with me completely and realize that her relationship with her parents is always going to be strained or leave me and try to figure out her shit with her parents before getting involved with anyone.

    On my end the issue is letting go of resentment - I can't seem to live from day to day anymore I'm always thinking about this situation instead of just appreciating what we have. It's ruining every aspect of our relationship because I can't let it go and we can't come to a conclusion.

    Advice on any of this would be much appreciated. Like I said we're going to a therapist this week but I would really like to hear some input. How do you deal with being the invisible woman? How do you let things go and stop fixating on them? How do you deal essentially?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I have known in laws to completely tank a relationship by guilt, money and control even for heterosexual couples. Your gf grew up knowing mostly disapprovals. And her family has now made it possible for you to disapprove of her, you, the love of her life. Her family knows not what they do, they think they are trying to raise her to be proper.

    I would say in order for you to put yourself in a good spiritual place is to forgive them and try not to put yourself in a situation where you will take shit from them. As for your gf, while you are hashing out things with the therapist, I would submit that you try to come up with a new genuine compliment for her everyday. Find a new reason for why you love her, what you like about her. The poor girl is starved for it.

    It is ok to stand up to them if they give you shit and be a respectable person.

    EDIT: I am home with a head cold and I am wearing the forums thin with my thoughts, so pardon all my postings. Your gf's family's behavior has been ruminating in my head. I was wondering why they would even want to invite you to the wedding. They could have just said no. Perhaps they don't like their daughter's sexuality but they like you enough as a person, you had to have impressed them enough for them to put aside their blind effed up prejudice to invite you? They can't come out as people who can accept their daughters sexuality so they are doing something in between. You are invited for a reason. Remember, Bill Clinton was the one who put "Don't Ask Don't Tell" in place. They are fools for parents for sure, but they are probably softening up on it in their own way. I am not saying whether you should go, but just want to share what I think is in their heads. For me, I would go and do passive things to remind my gf about our relationship and how much she means to me. For me, she would be the only reason I go.

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