33 year old virgin

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by breakingout, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. breakingout

    breakingout Member

    Nov 9, 2013
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    I happened upon this website by accident when I was looking for articles on Warehouse 13; I recently discovered the show and am now obsessed. Turns out this website has come into my life at a time when I think I might really need it.

    My childhood was spent helping my dad take care of my mom (she had Huntington’s disease). I was pretty sheltered (it was mostly self-inflicted) partly because of my mom's illness and partly because I was painfully shy. I had no friends to speak of and I'm an only child so I spent a lot of time alone or with my parents. At my parents urging, I went away to college and wasn't there a month when my dad died unexpectedly and I had to move back home to care for my mom. I did end up going to a local college but that experience was no different from grade or high school; I went to class, rarely talked to anyone then went home to be a caregiver which was opposite of what my parents wanted for me. That trend continued even after I became a professional.

    Three years ago last month, my mom passed away and even though I knew it was coming it still hit me hard. Once I came out of mourning, I found that I couldn't run from the fact that a big chunk of my life had passed me by. It was something my parents would say to me a lot but it took both of them dying for me to realize it. After that realization, I very slowly began making an effort to put myself out there to get over my shyness and meet people. I have made two friends (both are straight) thus far and both know about my growing up and have been very encouraging and helpful as I've endeavored to be more sociable.

    Last year, I nervously began dating (men) here and there but not with any frequency. For a long time I thought maybe I was asexual because sex, sexuality and attraction weren't things I thought or even wondered about; I still don't at least not really. I also think it’s been a nonissue because for a long time I didn't have the time or the energy to entertain it.

    About four months ago I was at happy hour with a group of people and I ended up paying a lot of attention to one woman in particular. She is probably the smartest person I've ever encountered, has a wicked sense of humor, and is very warm and charming. I don’t think I spoke a word to her but I hung on her every word and I thought about her a lot after that but not in a sexual way. When I think about her there is this warmth and calm that overcomes me and I find myself smiling. Periodically after that she would come around to happy hour with the group and each time we would hardly speak but I was always ecstatic to see and be near her.

    Two weeks ago, I threw a dinner party and the woman came. While she was at my home, I was actually able to hold a two way conversation and I found myself not wanting her to leave. After that day, I began coming to these forums trying to understand these feelings. A lot of what I've read is about women who think of other women sexually or have always had those types of feelings for women but they simply repressed them. Others have had encounters with women and are now questioning their sexuality. What's happening with me (or so I think) is I've never had sexual feelings or thoughts about women or men and I haven't had any towards this woman. Actually, this thing with this woman is so new to me that I don't even know what these feelings are and it has me wondering if my affinity toward her is solely about admiration because she is everything I’m not or if it means that I actually like her which would mean that I like women. Logically, I know there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi (it’s as natural as having skin) but it does scare me for all the normal reasons but also for some that I'm not really sure how to describe. Despite that I still can't help but think about the astounding sense of comfort and happiness when she’s around or when she touches me. Is that how it starts? The coming out process I mean? Is that what I’m doing…coming out? Is what I feel actual attraction or am I skewing it? Are there questions I should be asking myself to understand this better? Am I panicking/overanalyzing over a mole hill?

    I apologize for the length of this and I also apologize if my ramblings/questions sound juvenile. I’m still coming into myself on the whole and all these new encounters feel novel and weird; I’m just trying to navigate my way through as best as I can. Any advice you provide will be greatly appreciated. Please also feel free to ask me questions and I will answer as best as I can.
  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    it's funny, how much i can relate to u and that doesn't happen often for various reasons.
    Im 22, never been in a romantic relationship. an only child grew up taking care of my mom, in a dysfunctional and abusive household. i was also sheltered and was way more mature for my age with an active inner child ( still do which im thankful for). im a wallflower, slightly introverted and shy plus i used to have paralyzing anxiety

    i had an epiphany that i was gay a little more than a year ago. i had a therapist so i had somewhere to go with my confusions, but i mean i had no support, i had and still dont have anybody that i feel close or connected to. my parents had untreated mental disorders and are not ppl that i could reply on, no relative and no friends i also grew up with depression and anxiety so it was a long journey for me get out of that. by myself, alone. it is hard. i saw myself soaking in misery because of anxiety, i also had no problem being gay, my problem was being all alone and having to deal with everything and managing sever anxiety, my past and my parents ( u can check out my 2nd post told my iranian parents im gay. the first one was on the old site). that was the past summer.

    it is a lot better now, i am happier and feel liberated, and i have been actively looking to make friends/ socializing. however i do find myself yearning for love, affection, attention, acceptance, validation and any form of intimacy pretty much with every breath i take. it is completely normal to have these feelings, even more so for someone like me who has never experienced any of it. i have come a long way. of course i am being impatient because all these years of blocking these natural desires to push forward plus being a late bloomer etc dealing with other crap.. have caught up to me and i just want to have a decent core group friends, dating is way down the road. so enough about me i was just sharing with u that u are not alone !!

    first of all i think it's so great that u are having these feelings, confused, new, exciting, intriguing feelings u have never felt before. even if this lady never fully comes into ur life, now u have this experience for urself.

    2. huge huge congratulation on making friends, hanging out and throwing dinner parties , freaking awesome! these things seem sooo small to a lot of ppl but i know how hard and challenging they can be. im sure other ppl can relate to this as well.

    i think u are in shock more or less, totally normal. confused and now questioning who u r, identity, and everything that comes with it.

    if u already have a therapist i would go ahead and share this with them, if not i think it would be great to have a professional therapist helping u through all this.

    this is how i define an attraction
    An attraction is a connection, an emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual and physical connection/ attraction. Above line also defines "love". Signs of mutual respect, acknowledgement, understanding, validation, affection, freedom, intimacy, celebration of who u are and who they are, ur body, mind and soul. An emotional and mental connection evolves from a friendship which should be the foundation of any relationship.

    i hope that makes sense. it has actually helped a few ppl putting their feelings into perspective specially if they grieved losing their "Straightness" at some point.

    i would suggest not closing urself from these feelings, obviously having fear and intimacy related issues is totally understandable at the same time. u dont really know this woman. perhaps invite her for coffee or movie (thor's out!) also be careful, having these intense feelings and being drawn to her are normal and natural but try not to cling to it or the idea of it. if u can befriend her, get to know her. also join an lgbtqap group. yes u can go even if ur just questioning or whatever. if u feel comfortable enough with ur friends at the moment perhaps share it with them. not too much detail just that this is what u r going through right now.

    in terms of "coming out". the first person u come out is urself.. i would also recommend checking out gay videos, movies or even fanfiction yes.. i think all of us go through a phase where we get obsessed and thats how most of us found this site hahah. the early stages of awesome gayness! just remember that u dont have to be super gay or straight or exactly in between. sexuality is fluid and it's complicated and society forces us to label it and we do just to have a name for it. what u r going through right now no matter how big or small or how confusing or comforting, it is part of you, part of who you are and it should be respected and accepted regardless.

    best of luck to u and i hope i was at least a little helpful :) feel free to pm me
  3. rabbitheart

    rabbitheart Well-Known Member

    Nov 18, 2013
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    That's really great that you are out there and making friends and connections. Your situation isn't similar to mine, but your personality seems to be, so your post caught my eye. Coming out to yourself is a process for most people, especially when it hasn't been something you've considered for a majority of your life. It is an exciting time, even if it's also very scary. The best thing is to take the process at whatever speed is most comfortable to you. However, since you aren't sure -- try continuing to date men if you'd like. It may be that you just haven't found the right guy yet.

    I think the only way to sort out your feelings are to let yourself fully experience them. It may leave you vulnerable and scared (and, unfortunately, even hurt), but it's the best way to find out if it's what is best for you.

    I am going to focus on this woman you mentioned because it's a pretty good example. You mention you aren't sexually attracted to her (or haven't thought about her in that way), but the question is can you? You said you haven't really had these thoughts about anyone, man or woman, so maybe it's just something that is going to take some getting used to. I would say you should get to know her better. Try to figure out why she makes you feel this way. If you can pinpoint that, you may be able to tell if other people with similar characteristics fulfill the same role she does, or if it's just her specifically that makes you feel so comfortable. If it is her specifically, it may be because you are attracted to her. Worst case scenario, you could make a solid friendship. If you want a quicker way to determine if you are attracted to women, try going on a date with a lesbian that interests you. Compare it to the dates you've had with men. Which one excited you more?

    I think being very open and honest (with yourself) regarding your feelings is key. Don't try to fit to a label, either. If you find you are attracted to both men and women, that's also totally normal -- it doesn't need to be one or the other. So long as your happy, you will be more able to make your partner happy.
  4. lost sheep

    lost sheep Active Member

    Nov 9, 2013
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    Your story reminds me of my own long path. I was in middle school when I first got the first flutter of a crush on a girl. At the time, I had no idea that was my bisexuality blossoming. I just knew I liked a girl and didn't really understand why. We got pamphlets in health class explaining how our bodies would start changing (starting your period and all the fun things that comes with that), as well as noticing the opposite sex. One small section said that girls sometimes get crushes on girls because they wish they were more like them. That's how I explained it to myself and repressed my feelings. I even ended up marrying a man. He said he always could tell I like women. I didn't even really say anything then, too surprised that I wasn't hiding it as much as I thought I was.
    As far as I feel, there's no process for actually coming out. Everyone comes out on their own way and just need to find the best way for them. When I was thirty, I ended up falling for a female coworker and it just showed me that I couldn't deny what I was trying to figure out for a long time. I'm more sexually attracted to women than I am for men. This site has completely helped me accept myself as a bisexual woman. I tell only those who I trust that I'm bisexual in my life.

    My advice would be for you to take a deep breath and just relax. I know how those questions in your head can make your head swim, but they can also make you feel like your head is ready to explode from everything. Just relax. There is no right or wrong answer to your questions and it's something that may not come to you instantly. When you see her the next time, just talk to her and get to know her as a friend. Whether or not you're attracted to her often comes out the more you get to know someone. It's just like with everyone else, man or woman. I want to get to know the person first and then if I'm attracted to them or develop feelings for them than it's when I've gotten to know the person a bit better.
  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    It is a shame that people come here and post for help... and nobody knows if they are able to get help or need more advice.

    When someone spends that much time being alone / no romantic connection; some professional help would be best. If not, some self-help books which may take months to years to work out. Also, the sex-drive can shut-down with many of the issues related stress and non-use. As a person gets older mid 20s~ and well into the 30s, it get more and more difficult to break-out.
  6. Ginney

    Ginney Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I private messaged you. I really would love an update on how things are going with this girl .

  7. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Dec 10, 2014
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    Getting out there can always be difficult. Especially when you've spent so much time being a caretaker to your mum.

    I think your story is inspiring and brave to put out there.

    Maybe your gay/bi, maybe you just found someone you find a kindred spirit, who you want to know all about and be a part of her life. Great people and good friend's will give you that feeling. Some people even just make great impressions.

    What you need is time to try and figure it out. Maybe try and go on a date with someone who is gay at some point and see how that feels.


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