30 year old virgin only now unpacking what my sexual orientation is. Any help, warmly welcomed.

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by 30something, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. 30something

    30something New Member

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    Hi,

    Really gad to have found a lgbt forum as I have very confusing sexual orientation issue.

    For anyone who reads this, I am a 30 year old female who has never been physical with anyone or even kissed anyone before. A lot of my family and wider society think I am strange and people always assume that there is some trauma I have experienced to explain my weirdness. Truly, I have not experienced any trauma and had a great upbringing, I also am not suffering from chemical/hormonal imbalance issue as I see the docs for annual blood checks. I just don't experience any sexual attraction to people I meet and have met all my life. I am not repulsed by it, just not interested. I also have never been in any romantic or emotional relationship outside of platonic acquaintance/friendship and family relationships. When I think about hhow I feel around men and women that I interact with, I can point that there is a base level "ohh he's cute " reaction to some men that I've noticed is a different feeling that an aesthetic attraction, with women if I notice them it usually because "ohh, I like that dress she is wearing".

    However, for about 15 years (on and off) I have watched lesbian porn/erotic content and been turned on by picturing in my head whilst awake in my bed and masturbated to thoughts of making out with a woman. None of these women in my thoughts have been women I actually know in my life (like women I interact with). I have also spent the past 15 years thinking of guys on and off but without the aid of porn as I find straight porn aggressive. But whilst I have reached orgasm (apologies if it's tmi) of thinking of women, I haven't when thinking of men. I put this down to knowing the female anatomy more than men (it's hard for me to picture what intimacy would feel like with a guy-positioning etc). At no point in the past 15 years have I ever felt a desire to actually go out and make those thoughts come true. I never even analysed it until a few days ago haha.

    Whilst I am happy with who I am, I wanted to ask out of curiosity to people who may know more about sexuality than I do, do you think what I wrote above and the time length of those thoughts and porn of women and orgasm to thoughts of women but not men make me bi/lesbian (not that there would be problem with that at all, just trying to understand labels)? It would be nice to learn more about labels so I can understand myself better, if that makes sense?
     
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    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    The first resource I thought I'd share with you is AVEN: the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. (https://www.asexuality.org/). Your description of your lack of interest in sex jibes with what many of my ace friends have described, and many asexual folks fantasize or masturbate but don't pursue sex with partners. So if that's not a community you've encountered before, check it out! (I am not asexual, but if I was going to ascribe a label to my sexuality would probably ally myself with demi-sexual. There may be other folks on the forum who can better speak to ace experience.)

    As to your orientation - it certainly sounds like what sexual attraction you experience include women. Whether that makes me bi, pan, queer, or a lesbian is up to you and your best understanding of yourself. You also don't have to claim a label to put yourself under the queer umbrella.

    Since you're looking to learn about this labels, here's a little course:

    -sexual vs. -romantic. Many queer folks, including folks on the asexuality spectrum, differentiate between sexual and romantic (and platonic) interest. You might be interested in men, women, or both for sexual encounters/partnership. You might be interested in men, women or both for romantic partnership. Most folks refer to themselves just by the sexuality label, but it's worth knowing that there are people who ddifferentiate between these kinds of interests. (Asexual folks will often indentify as asexual/ biromantic to indicate that it's not that they aren't interested in relationships, just that that relationship might not include sex.)

    Bi-, pan-, etc. The prefix people tag on to -sexual or -romantic usually indicates their interest. Bisexual or biromantic people pursue parnterships with both men and women. Some people use pansexual or panromantic to include people of broader gender identity in their interests. Homo- and hetero- mean what you'd think.

    Lesbian, gay, etc. These labels usually refer to folks for whom sexuality and romantic interest are exclusively focused on the same gender.

    Queer describes people whose orientation is somehow outside the heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender norm. Queer is a loose alliance of many kinds of people. Some people don't like the term because it is often employed as a slur; there are others who see the term as reclaimed by LGBTQA folks and less clinical than the latinate alphabet soup above.

    I hope that helps! Please keep asking questions, and don't worry about fitting neatly into label (or not being "allowed" to use a label that seems useful to you).

    The most important thing is that you are honest, and happy, and take care of yourself. Welcome!
     
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  3. 30something

    30something New Member

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    An insightful reply, thank you!

    I have heard about Aven and actually they were the first placed I asked info on regarding my situation. Thing is, I wasn't able to find any asexuals who related to my porn/thoughts/masturbation 15 year pattern and so that made me question if I was asexual, will read more into it though.

    The breakdown of labels was also very informative and concise.

    In regards to my orientation (I know no one can tell me what I am but this is more of a dialogue that is aimed at learning more about labels), where you state to look into asexuality wouldn't that be a sexual orientation in and of itself? For example, asexuality is not experiencing any sexual attraction, so if you take my 15 year porn/thoughts/masturbation pattern and use it as a way to gauge my sexual orientation wouldn't identifying as lesbian/bi/an be in direct conflict with the lack of sexual attraction that the asexual label outlines as the experience of asexual's?

    In terms of the 15 year porn/thoughts/masturbation pattern and labeling myself lesbian/pan/bi, where the interesting point comes is how exactly does a label like that work for someone like me who has never felt any sexual or emotional attraction to any woman I have ever met? I also have never felt a pull towards any woman I have ever seen in my life. In a weird way there seems to be a disconnection that I feel between the porn/thoughts pattern and how i feel outside of the pattern like in my day to day interactions with actual people.

    Really enjoying the discussion, I am very curious person so the discussion on sexuality is one that I find very educational (I am a book nerd so any opportunity to read up and discuss things seems to always brighten up my day haha).
     
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    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  4. Zoe3773

    Zoe3773 New Member

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    What you are talking about is actually quite common when it comes to porn. There are many straight women who just watch lesbian porn. They have a hard time watching traditional m/f porn that has been made by men for men. Like you said, it's very aggressive and the woman doesn't look like she's enjoying herself at all. And the man in the video doesn't care if she is either, it's all about his pleasure. Women then see lesbian porn and everything (usually) is less aggressive, softer and the women look like they're enjoying themselves very much. You imagine you are one of the girls getting pleasured and get very turned on. Now in real life, you don't get turned on that way by a woman but you look at some men and think, "oh, he's cute". It sounds like you lean towards liking men but it's hard to say why you haven't pursued a romantic relationship with one. That part I'm clueless to why.
     
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  5. 30something

    30something New Member

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    Another insightful reply, thanx! I'll get reading on the porn correlation. In my case I guess its not simply just viewing but being aroused by that viewing and then picturing making out with a woman (i'm usually on top of the woman who is a made up woman in my head). Also it has been 15 years on and off so not sure if that's considered "normal" haha but I will check it out.

    Why haven't I pursued romantic relationship? I don't know. During my late teens/20's I thought something was wrong with me, I went doctors and checked my hormone balance and all that and have kept up checks and all seems to be fine. Years later I'm still the same way. I also don't know what this means either.
     
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  6. Zoe3773

    Zoe3773 New Member

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    Like Lorienchiu said, there are asexual people who fantasize and/or masturbate but have no desire to pursue those feelings in real life. Google it. Plenty of info regarding this. Also, maybe you should talk with a sex therapist. They might be able to provide you with more insight.
     
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  7. Emmasassas

    Emmasassas New Member

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    Your initial post sounds like I could have written it myself. I've been on dates with only a few guys throughout my 20s, and recently I've been out with a few girls. No sparks. But I do masturbate almost exclusively to lesbian porn and when I fantasize it's usually about being with women. I can't picture myself in a relationship with a woman, but I'm not really interested in sex with men either. But I do very much want a partner.

    I guess I don't really have advice to offer you, but I'm really interested in just hearing your thoughts and experiences since they seem so similar to my own. It's kind of a relief to know there's someone out there who shares how I feel in some way. I may even end up posting a new thread on this.
     
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  8. 30something

    30something New Member

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    So cool to read your post and I am still confused haha so there goes that. In a way I am not so much as confused as to my feeling around others but rather the secret word in my head if that makes sense. I have no motivation to be with a woman in any way but what explains the 15 year long thoughts and what am I? I felt alone in this for a long time, thank you for sharing your journey and for in turn making me feel less weird about myself.

    It would be cool to read about your journey more if you do post.

    Also cheers Zoe for your last reply, just noted it now.
     
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