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Discussion in 'General Advice' started by ElaineAlaine, Jan 5, 2015.

  1. ElaineAlaine

    ElaineAlaine Member

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    .
     
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    Last edited: May 1, 2015
  2. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    well, also many men don't consider sex between two women to be real sex (letting aside the fact that is an ignorant belief) and if your boyfriend is one of them, you can take advantage of that. have you talked to him about that? and aren't you worried about having sex with another guy too one day, since you're on the edge of cheating?
    you say "I find myself missing being with a woman, especially sexually. " so you're saying you want also a relationship. but if you don't worry about being with another guy, since you're also happy, then all you need is just the sex with women.
    that's how your post sounded to me. is something normal anyway, many couples think about sweating in bed with others from time to time
     
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  3. ElaineAlaine

    ElaineAlaine Member

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    He believes that sex between women is sex. He's straight, but he 100% supports everyone in the LGBTQ community and refuses to consider marriage until marriage equality is achieved in the US. He's really an amazing guy and a great ally to the community-- we actually met in college and spent a lot of time together during Gay-Straight Alliance events.

    I haven't talk about this to him because I'm worried about hurting him.

    I know that fantasizing is normal, but I'm worried that this will escalate. I think about driving to the local bar and meeting women, and things of that nature.
     
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  4. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    I don't think there is much to do about that then, when you are going to become unhappy because of that, then you will know what to do.
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    It seems to me that you need to ask yourself some questions. Are you missing women because you feel like something is missing from your relationship? Or, is it more a case of sexual fantasy? Even though you don't want to talk to your bf about it, it appears you may need to. Bottling up your feelings is leading you to worry about these feelings escalating until you act on them.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I dunno. The sense I get from your post is that you really respect / love the guy, but that the crazy about him passion isn't there. Not everyone needs that passion, but if you do, could explain some things.
     
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  7. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    to be really honest, I know that for some people there's some sort of force/craving/missing to be with another gender both sexually or romantically which is absolutely fine theres nothing wrong with it.

    but I, my self believe in, its not the sexual urges. And again I'm talking about my experience and what I believe in, no offense to you and what you're goin through right now. if you starting to want sex with someone else regardless the gender (regardless that person is a one night stand or someone you know) or crave for someone else who is not your partner. I think, that is more like... something in the relationship that doesn't make you happy which happen in many relationship.

    for me a good healthy relationship build from a good communication so if its possible you should talk to your boyfriend about it. I mean you haven't do anything right? I seriously believe that sexual urges can be tamed as long as you have a good self control.. I mean you said that you're thinking about goin to a bar and meeting with woman and if you're monogamous this will totally ruin the relationship. Its the matter of choice and self control. my advice : just dont do anything that might led you into sexual situation with ANYONE regardless gender. from what I read it sounded like you have a wonderful relationship with this guy. so just dont...

    anyway I really hope everything went the way you wanted it to be :), I hope you don't find my uhm post offensive or anything.

    xxx
    Tan
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, there's something missing. You don't know what. The wanting isn't going away, and it's getting worse. It could be deep (passion, love, compatibility) or superficial (a particular sexual experience, the way ladies smell, etc).

    You are the best judge of whether there is a deeper unmet need in your relationship - whether your attraction to him is durable and real, and whether the love and support you give each other meets your needs and wants. It sounds like all the boxes are checked - good communicator, supportive, open to your sexuality, all around great guy and good partner. Your tone tells me that you care for him deeply and aren't looking for an escape hatch, but at the same time there's something that needs to change.

    I'm bisexual, too, and in my experience sex with men and with women is different, not just because men's and women's bodies are broadly different, but because men and women learn to approach sex differently. I don't "miss men," but I do sometimes miss the way sex with men goes. Luckily for me, those desires are pretty easily replicable with any partner - by changing up who's "in charge," utilizing some techniques and/or toys we don't use every day, without even going as far as gender play (though that can be fun too). I try to think about what smells/sensations/feelings/stimulation I'm wanting, what itches are scratched by the sex I had with men, and ask for what I'm wanting separate from dudeliness. (I don't phrase it as "Hey, babe, here's how you can be more like my ex-boyfriend," also, but rather in terms of what I'm wanting. Asking for what you want: hot. Making your partner insecure: not.)

    I would talk to your partner, and level with him about your desires, but go in prepared with what you're asking for, or at least the kinds of things you want to explore. What exactly are you craving? What is different about the sex you're imagining than the sex you've been having? If some enthusiastic, consensual bedroom problem-solving doesn't help, then it's worth going beyond the bedroom and assessing what else you might be missing.

    It's going to be awkward, and he might be hurt, but if he's the kind of great you describe I bet he'll be more invested in a solution than in his own hurt feelings. Inaction is clearly getting you nowhere, and just building up tension, frustration, and fear. Since you value your relationship and your partner, I would involve him in the discussion and solution, and make him your partner in strengthening your relationship.
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Great advice.
     
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  10. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    Hi,

    I am actually living the situation of your boyfriend right now, as my wife told me this week that she is more and more fantasizing about sex with men as years go by. As my world is being shattered, I feel like advising you to really figure out what it is you want before talking to him. Is is just the sex? Is it dating women?

    I'm sure this piece of advice won't be popular, but in all honesty, if you feel the need to cheat once to figure out what you really want/ miss before talking to him, you might want to do and make sure he never finds out. I'm telling you this because I now wish my wife would just have had sex with a couple of guys without my knowledge instead of making me feel this miserable. Then, if you realize you really can't be with him anymore, make it a clean easy breakup. If on the other hand the one sex encounter was enough for you, you can figure out with him if you can improve your sex life, discuss open marriage or other possible solutions.

    But really, no matter what, try to get a better understanding of what you need, miss and want before you talk to him. Nobody deserves to feel like this…

    then again my opinion might not be worth much at the moment, I'm probably not the most clear-thinking person tonight…

    good luck
     
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  11. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    @noedee : There is nothing wrong with your advice. You brought in how you feel from the other side. As painful as it is, its better than she doesn't cheat on you. That creates guilt issues and you may likely would be upset in many other ways. Also, its a matter of safety / STDs etc... She *IS* telling you how she feels, vs. just acting on her feelings. When a female friend of mine was cheating on by her GF, it was the dishonesty that hurt my friend. If you both love each other - see what can be done. See a couples counseling, where you both want to be, etc. Could it be hormones and has a desire to have a baby? Also, fantasies are not exactly real... Sometimes reality sucks. I don't think she told you to make you miserable, but as someone who cares about you.

    @ElaineAlaine: There is a new cable show, kind of like "The View" but sex and relationships from women comics - with the host being Margaret Cho (openly polygamous bisexual) here is a http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/hi...or-marriage-equality/54aaf15002a760dddb0002f9

    I've dated women (with their husbands or BF knowing) and know several poly or open-relationship couples. (M/F F/F M/M) - which is based on trust and honesty. Cheating *IS* cheating when you're hiding/no being honest with your partner. I would not date someone behind another person's back. If my wife wants to have sex or go out with someone else - I know about it. Lying is an option. Your BF is very LGBT friendly - which is cool and if you REALLY LOVE HIM and want to stay together (sounds like you do), then you need to talk to him about your feelings.

    Maybe discuss a poly lifestyle as an option. There are couples in which the man is mono with his poly wife who has a boyfriend or girlfriend (or both). ie: she doesn't cheat on him. He isn't interested in other women. This isn't something that both of you can't just JUMP into. You have to think about, you have to talk to him about it... and then learn from the poly community or people. They tend to be very honest.

    Being busy with work, school, etc *is a challenge* to any relationship. If you have time to date someone else, then you have time to DATE your boyfriend, right. There is even a chance that his interests in you has gone down and you both are on feedback loop. Talk with him, see what is going on with him, maybe he's not aware of whats going on.
     
    #11
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