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Discussion in 'General Advice' started by MaddPanda, Jan 14, 2019.

?

Should we keep fighting.

  1. Yes

    50.0%
  2. No

    50.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. MaddPanda

    MaddPanda Member

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    I'll try keep this short. Basically my friend and I fell in love. I have been in numerous gay relationships and I am 100% certain about my sexuality. However my partner has never had any relations of any kinds sexual/non sexual with anyone of the intimate kind. She had explained to me many times she is not gay and she just loves me. She is confused though as shes never had anything with anyone else. I've never pushed her to label herself with any label because I dont care about any of that and we just love eachother and that's it.


    Her mum was becoming very suspicious, after months of questioning her daughter (my partner) my partner was confronted one to many times by her family and broke down crying and told them everything as they were pushing her to tell them. The result of her telling them. They pushed/forced her to resign from her job (we both work at the same supermarket), shipped her off to Canberra to live with her brother for monthish.

    That month is almost up and she is going to go back to parents and they will be expecting she is over it and got rid of her demons. As her family believes shes got demons in her. She is scared to go back and wants to run away because she wants to be with me but her family will not accept it. We dont know what to do. We dont know whether we should wait for 5-10years so that ways we will be adults and they will have less control over her.

    I love this girl with all my heart I will literally walk through fire and walk on glass for this girl. It pains me because daily she is being ridiculed by her family for loving me. I want to marry this girl and buy us a house but I dont know if its selfish or me to keep fighting for her.

    Dream world is her family comes around. However due to her families religious beliefs and cultural differences as she is Lebanese they have very strong homophobic beliefs and it makes this all difficult and almost impossible for that to happen.

    Basically we are hopelessly madly in love. We were made for eachother. I just dont know what we should do. Should we fight because we love each other? She would end it she isnt disowned by her family.

    I hate seeing her like this and I dont wanna make this about me. I am currently finished my schooling and in 4 years time I should definitely have a great job lined up. In the mean time my apprenticeship should give me 600 a week. Plus hopefully $400 for Coles. I will support us if we had to move out. I'm just concerned because we are only 20 and I dont want her to run away from her family but we dont know how to change her families mind or what we should do.

    Sorry this is all rambling and confusing. I'd just like some insight on if anyone knows what it's like battling a strict parents and family. I want to know about other stories that are similar and have an idea what our possible outcomes are.

    Thank you for taking time read this.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh my what a spot you two are in!

    The important thing to know is that cool heads prevail. You would have to arrive in this decision together. She is in denial somewhat and pretty much made her sexuality confined to the relationship between you. So if she leaves her family, she would be leaving for you. If she is unsure then she could resent you if things don’t work out.

    Now you are both adults and she should be able to decide for herself what she wants. You can tell her that this is her decision and you will support her. If she is still under so much control by her parents then she is like a minor and not able to be a full partner for you. You need to protect yourself and your heart in this too.

    However if she decides to run off with you. Plan and fight smart. I have known people who felt they had to leave their families and planned everything to the last detail before disappearing. They left info to a trusted sibling or friend to let the parents know they are ok.

    Her parents, her family, they mean business. Whatever you guys do, please be safe, ok?
     
    #2
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
  3. MaddPanda

    MaddPanda Member

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    Thank you so much for your response. I will have to take a lot of these things into consideration as I do fear she will might possibly in the future end up resenting me. At least for now I am trying to do my best to just support her in whatever way possible. I know her regretting it is a possibility but right now I dont see that happening because we are both so crazy about each other and see a future together. We've discussed marriage, kids, buying a house ect.

    Her closest friends are against too. So it's hard for her because she is becoming so overwhelmed. Currently she is still lying to her parents about contacting me but she said talking to me is the only thing keeping her together.

    I am just trying to think should we take action now or let time pan out and see where things go. I feel like waiting for things to pan out. I am trying to let her call all the shots offer support because I dont want overwhelm her. I just dont know if we should wait it out or take action now. To save her from being yelled at every day by every member of her family.

    Thank you for the tip about planning ahead. I am going to perhaps start up a plan and map things out of the different options we take. Things like that.
     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    How wonderful then that you have found each other! I am not sure what you mean by how things pan out. I don't see her circumstances change any time soon with her parents. So, other than taking the time in making a good plan to be together, what kind of signs are you looking for?
     
    #4
  5. MaddPanda

    MaddPanda Member

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    When I talk about little things pan out I mean sort of letting things happen without interference so like maybe for the next month or two instead of confronting her parents again just let them go to her and see if their minds change or give them time to process things more before trying or doing anything else. At this point we would be excited and grateful if they even allowed us just to be friends.

    Her sisters wedding is also this year which is why we both considering just laying low until after the wedding (it's in 6 months) . Then perhaps after the wedding attempt to ask her parents if we are allowed to be friends.

    For the sake of my partner. Leaving her family is last last case and we are trying to figure ways we could avoid that at all cost. Which is why we dont know what to do. My personal beliefs is if you want to marry someone you should have the acceptance of their family or at least a family member. My partner loves her immensely so I know it would hurt her a lot deep down if she lost them.

    Also What signs are you talking about. In regards to her family showing signs of acceptance or?
     
    #5
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think if you guys come around after six months and ask if you could be friends it will come as a shock to them. They would have figured they had cured the problem and you are out of the picture. If you are adamant of getting her parent’s blessings you may not get it until she is comfortable with her own sexuality and stands her ground and it may not even happen then. She wants you and she wants to be ok with her parents. And the only way I can see it happening is to have things on the down low indefinitely. Unless you have a family ally who can assess the situation better for you that would be my guess. You would have to be very certain yourself on your own self esteem to endure this type of relationship.

    I have read a story of a marriage between a Jewish lady and an Africian American man back in the 50’s or 60’s in a major American city. Their relationship lasted a lifetime but she could never tell her parents because they just would not approve. Her parents would visit every so often and she would have to erase all traces of his existence from their apartment. They also could not have kids as a result. But he loved her so much he would not accept anything else. I am not sure I could do something like that myself and not feel my sense of self worth eroding but somehow they could.

    I am glad that you are investing in your future with your aprentiseship. Keep investing in your career and it will be easier for you to build a future with your lady. I would put your energy in that now and not worry so much about her parents.
     
    #6
  7. Writer23

    Writer23 Member

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    Hi Maddpanda,

    You explained that she was confused prior to her parents finding out. You are confident in who you are and what you want , but she is still finding herself. I believe that she does adore you; however, is that enough if she is unsure about her sexual orientation. You know what you want. You know what her parents want. What does she want?

    Let her make her own decisions and make it clear that you are there. It is possible that she is trying to please everyone but herself. If she were my friend, I would tell her that she should save some money and take a trip with herself by herself in order to truly find herself. She is not a teen who is in a lovesick forbidden relationship; rather, she is an adult. An adult who is of sound mind will make an informed decision when left alone to do so.

    Writer
     
    #7
  8. MaddPanda

    MaddPanda Member

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    Thank you again Greylin for all your help. You've given me peace of mind and a lot to reflect about. Really appreciate you taking the time to speak to me.
     
    #8
  9. MaddPanda

    MaddPanda Member

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    Hi Writer.

    I agree with what you said about my partner saving money and perhaps traveling somewhere to find herself. However if she was to try go away on a holiday she wouldn't have a home to come back to as shes not allowed to stay overnight anywhere unless she is staying with an Immediate family member such as a brother or any of her siblings. Siblings who are all against it and not support her in any way.


    I am really trying to not push her in any direction I'm just letting her speak and just telling her that I'll stay by whatever decision she makes. She tells me wants to run away and I said something like "that's a big decision to make just do you research first and remember that I'll always support you, financially and emotionally."

    I guess shes just trying to process things and talking online to places like 'beyond blue' which is like an Australian helpline for all sorts of things. So shes doing a lot on her own right now and shes trying to figure out what to do and if her parents are going to come around or not.

    Do you feel as if I should step back a little more in order to let her think more independently and come to a decision herself? I'm just unsure how I should try support her in this situation without being to much.
     
    #9
  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Other than reassuring her that you want this with her so that she knows if she leaves you will be her family, I think you have done and are doing all the right things.

    Thank you for telling us about beyondblue! I just learned something today. I am so happy that she is reaching out to a place like that for help. If her parents are still this controlling to her as an adult, it is hard not to be depressed. I am glad she has your support. Take care.
     
    #10
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  11. Writer23

    Writer23 Member

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    Hi MaddPanda,

    The best support you can truly give someone is being there. You are there for her. You are asking if i feel you should step back a little more in order to let her think more independently and come to a decision herself? If you step back too far she might view it as abandonment. Being an adult means that you think for yourself and that you are in control of your life. I would say make it clear to her that the decision is hers to make and that you will support her in whatever that decision is. I completely agree with you when you explained to her that she, in short, has to plan appropriately. Adults do not "running away " because to do so means that the decision was made in haste and without a plan. Rather, adults plan appropriately and move out.
     
    #11
  12. donavon121

    donavon121 New Member

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    Hi MaddPanda,

    My brother went through something similar many years ago (we are Iranians living in the US, and my father is a sheikh. He left home 15yrs ago because of his sexuality). It was tough for my parents, but they just agreed to disagree. Today my brother is married to a wife with 2 kids and says to me "it was just a phase"... he is actually bi, but got swept up in gay culture which he felt didn't reflect his sexual identity. If your gf is confused, have you guys considered whether she needs time exploring 'the other side', if she hasn't already? It's important for both of you to be certain of your identities in order to have a fruitful relationship!

    I'm currently having these conversations with my 13-yr son. It's good you've reached out for support than bottled things up!
     
    #12

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