Years in the Making part 2

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Feebs, May 17, 2017.

  1. Feebs

    Feebs New Member

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    Years passed. We ended up making drinking our hobby. When we drank, we could speak to each other a little more freely. Hold hands and link arms when we walked, stare lovingly into each other's eyes. Sleep over at each other's houses a little too close in bed. Nothing physical ever happened. During these years we both ended up getting married, to men. That changed nothing about our hang outs. Everything stayed the same,drinking, flirting, confusion, fights, makeups. She had this speach she would give me from time to time, about how she loved me more than anything, anybody else, I was her number one, the perfect person for her. That she had married her husband because he and I were so similar. That if one of us was a male, we'd already be married with kids, but that she had just decided to marry the "male version of me." Mostly it was her telling me these things and me fawning all over it. For a few good years I lived for those nights. Sometimes I'd give her that same speach right back to her. The more open like that we got while drinking and hanging out, the worse our sober friendship became. It was awkward and formal and superficial. My marriage was falling apart. (obvs) He knew what was up and was just waiting for me do something about it. To figure something out. But nothing between she and I ever progressed. It got to the point that I told her when my husband and I divorced, I was going to start dating women. She said, "You can't do that." With no other explanation. At the same time, she was telling me that her and her husband were thinking about starting a family. I told her, "You can't do that." With no other explanation. I had grown so tired of the same old same old and no progression with her. I started to try my best to let go of her. To focus on the type of love and relationship that I wanted because this wasn't it. We were either both too afraid of admitting that we were in love with each other, or we weren't, or rather, she, just wasn't in love with me. All I knew was that something, and most likely, a very unhealthy something was going on between us and we were both tired of it. So during the summer, two years ago, I split from my husband, found a great girlfriend, moved another town over, and she..well she got pregnant. We weren't speaking that much and it was kinda incredible that we both did the thing we had forbade each other to do, at the same time. I wasn't there for her during her pregnancy. I've only met her son twice. She's never met my girlfriend. I have since moved back and we live literally 2 minutes away from each other. But we just don't talk. Moving back, and being so close to her, it's just made things a little unbearable, I thought that I was over her, that I had found someone else in my girlfriend. I can't get her off my mind though. I really need closure. My girlfriend gave me one year, and we're almost halfway through, to find that closure and seriously commit to her or she's out. She won't play second fiddle and I wouldn't want her to. My girlfriend thinks that I need to tell her everything, and have her break my heart. That would work I guess. What my girlfriend doesn't realize is that in order for me to tell my friend everything, I wouldn't be saying "I've had feelings for you. " I would be saying "I have feelings for you." I don't know if I should tell her that I can't be friends any longer because feelings would get in the way. What if she wants to be friends? I do miss her terribly. I don't feel like myself without her. But I can't run the risk of repeating the past. I sent her text a few months ago explaining that I haven't been around because I just need some distance. We aren't in a bad place, we just aren't in any place right now. But we've been through this kind of separation before, and when we got back together, everything was better. That could happen again. But how could it now that she has a family? I don't want to disrespect that. I don't want to let her know that she still has such a hold on me. I don't want to lose the only muse I've ever had. I don't want to never feel her again. If she's out of my life, if she claims to never have loved me, then I can't believe in magic anymore. How am I supposed to show up at her door and ask her "Are we okay?" and then drop some A bomb on her. If she tells me that she's never been in love with me, never will be, then I feel sure I can move on. But it would change everything, it would change the way I see and relate to world around me. It would change the way I trust myself. Without this conversation with her, I don't know if what I feel is reality or if it's not. I don't know how the world works and I don't know how I work. But I will not want someone who doesn't want me. But if she tells me she did love me, or does or could...that would break me too. Bottom line, I don't know how to bring this up to her of if I even should. I don't think I can ignore this though, it rules my mind day and night. It's like a curse. I'm so ashamed that I've been such a little bitch all these years, and could never face the prospect of her rejection, and never had the confidence to roll with what I was feeling and hearing from her. She is the one. But sometimes the one is not right. Sometimes you are not meant to be with the one. It feels like any way that I look at this, people get hurt and embarassed. Things will change for me forever, that is for sure.


    Bless your heart if you made it through this. I don't know if I have a singular question or not, I just know I need some insight and you guys are prettty good at that. Thanks for reading
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Ok, so step one, we have your posts in the same place.

    Step two - you sound like you are a bit of a spiritual or philosophical person. I guess that I am sort of agnostic myself - I don't pretend to have a clear answer on why big picture things happen the way they do. Why does an awesome young father get agressive and likely fatal brain cancer, while an asshole guy gets rich and lives a long, happy, healthy life? I have no idea.

    But - I do know that people have some measure of self determination and control over their lives.

    Or, to put it another way - I don't know why people are dealt the cards that the are dealt, but I know that they can try to make the best out of that hand, or they can screw it up worse.

    I also know that certain decisions can't be undone, or are very difficult to change. It is difficult / impossible for a 50 year old woman to decide - hey, I want children, for example.

    I think you are trying to ask a larger, 'metaphysical' (for lack of any better word) question. I think you are trying to ask 'Is my bestie the one and are we destined to be together?'

    My answer to you is - no, I do not think that she is 'the one.' And I don't think that you two are destined to wind up together. If you couldn't ever get together in 16 years, then no, you clearly were not 'meant' for each other. If she was your perfect fit, or your soul mate, or whatever word people use for such things - then you two would have gotten together a long, long time ago.

    I don't know if I believe in 'soul mates' and such. I do know that I have seen people who make fantastic, they-fit-together-so-perfectly couples. I do know that I have seen people who 'clicked' instantly and eventually married. (My wife and I were like that). I have seen wonderful marriages spring from very random meetings (my paternal grandparents, for example).

    However, you and your bestie don't sound like that. It sounds like there were pieces of you two that never fit together - which is why you never wound up together.

    I think movies and such romanticize themes like - the one, love at first site, destined to be together, etc...

    What I think people forget about is the 'doomed one.' If there are 'perfect' relationships (love at first sight) then there must be the opposite - doomed relationships. People who are crazy attracted and connected to each other, but for whatever reason, just don't have the magic to be a couple. It's like there are magnets that attract each other and magnets that repel each other.

    I dated a woman like that once. She was fun and kind and adventurous. She brought out the best in me. And, of course, the sex was incredible. But she had her demons (drugs) and I had my demons (scars from a shitty childhood). We were on and off, moving all around the country but somehow winding near each other. But we never could make it work and trying to force it wasn't healthy for either of us. When we got together, it was always complicated, it was never easy. Somehow, it always sucked us both down.

    Sadly, you and your bestie sound like one of those doomed relationships. Whenever she was ready, you weren't ready. Whenever you were ready, she wasn't ready. Some larger hand of fate clearly was not bringing you two together. There was just the two of you, dealt this hand and playing your cards. You tried to play the hand and get together. You tried to play the hand and keep a 'don't ask don't tell emotional affair' while married to other people. Neither hand worked. You just wound up stuck, with one foot out your respective marriages.

    So now where are you? You are at a cross roads, asking yourself - is my bestie 'the one' or do I need to let go of that idea, let go of her and move on?

    Only you can answer that for yourself. All I can say is - if I were in your situation, after years of unsucessful trying, I would conclude that she was not 'the one.' I would look at our history realistically and allow myself to grieve. I would see that there were deep rooted personality traits, or big values that kept us apart. If she really really wanted female you, she would have chose female you. But, for whatever reason, she chose male you. There were lots of junctures where you two chose other things over being with each other. That is not wrong, per se, you chose those other things becuase they were very important to you. But if I were in that situation, I would take it as a sign of two people who just don't quite fit togther as a couple.

    Now, you are in a situation where she is married and has a kid. You have a great girlfriend. But you still have your history with her. How do you play this hand? Only you can answewr that.

    If I were in your shoes, I would let go of the idea of ever being in a romantic relationship with her. I would let go of any hopes that somehow it will magically happen.

    However, in letting go of her as a lover, that would free me up to be a friend. To just accept friendship from her, without the pain of always wanting or trying for more.

    I know that I am very different from you, but I hope you find this post helpful in some way.
     
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  4. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    The first time I met my gf, I kinda knew she was the one. But she was straight. Then we became really close friends real fast. And I fell more in love with her. Even though her presence in my life made me happy, I also felt miserable, So I had to tell her what I felt because if I didn't, I knew I will regret it for the rest of my life. So that's what I did. And she told me she couldn't. She broke my heart but I was relieved. Finally, I knew the answer to my question. We sort of drifted apart after that because really, it was very hard staying friends with someone you felt something else. Then she decided to tell me she wasn't being honest with herself. But before she could tell me, she found out I started dating someone else. So she stopped herself because she thought she lost her chance and telling me wouldn't be fair to me.

    We still ended up together but not without hurting a few people. But I think that consequence to our actions is easier to live with than the possible outcomes of yours. She has a kid now, a family. Under different circumstances I'd say go for it, tell her, find out what she really wants. But she has a family now. I understand you need closure but have you thought about what this will do to her? You'll probably get your closure but have you thought how this is going to affect her? Will she have the same closure? If she reject you, is that really going to be the end of it? You guys have been trying to avoid the issue all this time, are you sure she's going to face it this time? I'm not trying to guilt you into not doing it, I'm merely asking you to think of any consequences of that action. Consequences that may not only affect you and her but a lot of other people. Including your girlfriend.

    Which brings me to another point I wanted to make. When I read your gf is willing to let you go there to try to get your closure, my first thought was 'wow, and you're willing to risk losing her? For someone who may or may not admit to anything.' You didn't say a lot about your gf but if someone loves me enough to let me find my peace even if that may mean losing me, I don't know, that may just make me want to stay with her and let the other one go.

    I agree with @Bluenote. Time to let her go. You two lost your chance(s) a while ago.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh man, I feel ya.

    Let's put aside that big decision to go and talk to her and spill your guts for a moment and hopefully you can follow my train of thought.

    I somehow don't see a hopeless romance that needs a cure. I see a lack of perspective that it is okay to feel that way about that very important first love. A lack of perspective and obsessive thought is what I am seeing from your description. Yes, sometimes people are afraid to commit to someone or love someone because they are not sure if they would mess things up. I don't think she ever was afraid of messing up things with you therefore not committing to you. She liked you but only if you were a dude. I would really take her word for it since she went and had a kid with that dude. All signs point to that fact that she has what she wants. She would like it that you still want her, but she will be all righteous and say, "oh but I am married with a family, thank you very much."

    I want to go into the perspective part more. People think just because they fell in love with someone they would not ever again be attracted to an ex crush, ex girlfriend or any woman who looks like Jadzia Dax. Being attracted to someone else does not mean that they don't love their own girlfriends or are committed to them. It often means you are nostalgic or you are attracted to a certain type of women. Your ex crush did you a favor, she was the catalyst that launched you into this great life you have now where you are not a person hiding her feelings. You recognized how bad it was when you were with her. All that path that was forged since led you to the woman you have now.

    Obsessive thoughts are like these flies circling your head. The more you want to deny them the more they gather and the more you think about them. You worry about how you feel about her and whether or not you can't get her out of your mind and you will not ever get her out of your mind because you are worried you have her in your mind.... Find some strategy to dispel these thoughts. Sometimes it is just acknowledging that it is ok to have them and it is no big deal. Sometimes, it is doing some exercise to think things through and not let it go circular in your head. When you do, then these thoughts will find a way out of your head. Sometimes a mere thought of allowing yourself to worry about a troubling thought later will help. Give yourself permission to think about it, but hey, I can do this later, because now it is star trek marathon time.

    If I were you, I would not bother talking to your ex crush. You have this, you are smarter than this and that is why you left and found this amazing woman you have now. Your ex crush is a mysterious out of reach entity and that is why it is so easy to wonder and obsess on. We do that for things we can't have, and for things we almost could taste of having.

    Whatever you decide, give your partner a big hug for me. You are just a bit muddied right now, I believe you can think this through and work things through with your partner.
     
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  6. Feebs

    Feebs New Member

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    You all are great. I really needed to vent. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for responding so thoughtfully.
    Yes, my girlfriend is superb. We both have a little experience under our belts and we both brought some baggage into the relationship. We're working on everything together. It is a wonderful relationship that I intend to keep.
    I do know that what my (ex?) bestie was to me, and still means to me, in some degree, is okay. None of that goes away just because I fell for someone else. Just the fact that I fell for someone else still amazes me. Couple that with how great our relationship has turned out to be and I know my girlfriend and I are onto something good. I guess it's more of a vulnerability thing? Or trying to give the most of myself to my girlfriend? It's almost like, all those years ago, unbeknownst to me, I gave myself away to my crush/bestie, and now there are parts of me that I can't get back. I wish I could get them back, and give them away now, to the right person. Maybe that's the spiritual/soul mate/philosophical/Disney side of me just mucking with me for sake of it. It feels like there is some kind of life tool that should have by now to rationalize it all but it missed me somehow.

    Overthinking and obsessive thoughts about bestie have plagued me for years. When we used to see each other on a regular basis, I guess I had enough feel good chemicals being constantly stirred up and hanging around in my brain, that I could conjure up the "high" of her on demand. The low too. Mix in a little drugs and alcohol and everything intensifies. This girl really was a drug to me, but that's a story I know a lot of us are familiar with. Point is, after a lot of work, that craziness or addiction, or whatever isn't there anymore. Me feeling the need to reach out to her isn't some kind of messed up relapse, it truly is a step towards closure with this thing that I really need. As for her? She's fine! She is happy in her life and secure and me coming back into it briefly to get shit off of my chest and squash some old issues isn't going to disrupt her much. I don't know how or if we could continue any sort friendship. My feeling is no. I think she's probably in the same place, but since we haven't spoken about it, I really don't know. Yes there was an unhealthy side of our relationship but there was also a real friendship too. We've come in and out of each other's lives before. She could literally show up at my door right now and say, "I'm here, let's pretend that everything is fine and go to Starbucks." I can't play along anymore, not for a second.

    When I moved back home, she called me and said that she was glad I was back, hit her up when I was ready. I waited for months..then told her that I needed more distance. We're basically just avoiding each other at this point. But it is inevitable that our paths will cross. We live so close to each other, we have the same friends, our families are intertwined...etc. A few weeks ago we ran into each other at the grocery store. We exchanged super quick and awkward hellos, how are you's and hugs. I went home with the wrong kind of milk.

    When she showed up at my door all those years ago, after our fight, after we hadn't spoken for two years, she told me later of how scared she was to knock on my door. That she was worried I hated her, or that I'd slam the door in her face, shut her out. But that she missed me and wanted to square everything up so she just did it.

    When I moved back home a year and some change ago, when she called and said to hit her up, she said "You know where I am." Now I am the one who is basically at her door, scared to death. But I can't leave town, disown every friend, stop the connections our families have with each other.

    I need for myself to know that I, as a sober and secure person, faced my fears and put it all out there for her. However she takes it is however she takes it. However she treats me is however she treats me.
    I need for her to know that watching her grow as been a joy of my life, and not being involved with the new chapters of each other's lives has been hard. That I didn't disappear because I'm a shitty person who can't handle a friend with a child. That I didn't just replace her with my girlfriend.
    I need for my girlfriend to know that she can have all of me. That I can confidently commit to her, and only her. Commitment is something I am not taking lightly. But that she never has to worry about playing second fiddle to anyone else.
    I guess I needed to vent a little more.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I appologize because I only have a min to respond. I think you have intuitively a good strategy to deal with this. You are asking for opinions, you are talking honestly with your partner. The most important thing that you need to assure your partner that this is only for your recovery in this addiction. Please assure her as you have been doing and as often as you can that you and her are solid and are a formidable force against this thing you have.

    I would treat the whole thing like an addiction and make sure you don't miss any steps before talking to her. I have had an ex scare me up after many years to talk to me. I made sure we met in public and my partner was nearby as a source of strength and support but out of ear shot. We had our privacy and it was an open and honest meeting. But that was the last steps after many steps the ex had taken before the meeting. The steps thing is only suggestion if you deside to meet up with her. Of course you know better what is really going on. This is so hard a thing and like you said long in the making. If I were in your shoes I would invest in a counselor and time to help me through.
     
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    Last edited: May 19, 2017

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