Who pays?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by excentryke, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. excentryke

    excentryke Member

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    I'm a little new to dating women I haven't known for a long time, but I just met this woman and we're going out on a first date. Who pays? Do we split it? Is it the oldest? The person who first asked the other out? Do we play it by ear?

    General advice would be definitely appreciated...

    Eve
     
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  2. T.S.

    T.S. Member

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    It varies per woman.

    If you asked me like that before the date (before or during the check comes, or even after) then I would explain it to you what I would feel comfortable with. What you said has something cute and romantic, and I would find it endearing and would appreciate that you were concerned about etiquette.

    A safe and acceptable way can be to split the check. That way there is no obligation, but it is also open to a possible future. Then as second date comes around, you can treat her, or she you, exchanging turns, depends a bit on who earns more and who takes care of the household for example.

    If you just want to get out of there, you can pay the check.

    Alternatively if it is a nice date that lasts longer, you can take turns.

    She could offer to pay as a romantic gesture, but there may be a sexual undertone, of course that can be fine if you feel that way. You can always make up for it by making breakfast the next morning, and/ or tidying up around their house, while respecting privacy boundaries. That can go the other way of course.

    Depends also a bit on how expensive the date is, and if she or you can afford that. You (both) could accomodate for that by planning a date that is within your budget.

    If she is strongly hinting that you should pay in a matter of fact way then she cares too much about money and is using you, you could go for pro quid quo, expect nothing, or move on.

    How do people in your area usually do it? That can be guidance to take into consideration.You could tell her it's been a while that you dated, but you checked what was etiquette, and ask if she enjoyed that. That is an effort that can really be appreciated. Whether there will be a second date or not.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    In my experience, there are a few conventions:
    1. She who invites, pays.
    2. She who offers first, pays; she who waits offers to pay tip and get desert/drinks/the check next time.
    2. It is agreed to split the check down the middle.

    This is also how my dates with men have gone, by the by. Egalitarian dating is not limited to same-sex couples.
     
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  4. excentryke

    excentryke Member

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    Thank you! You've given me a lot to think about and good advice on how to read social cues! cen
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    There is no hard and fast rule. If you are a Ms. Manners type, the one who asks should pay. But lots of people don't follow that convention. Especially on the first few dates, it is pretty common to do things that aren't that expensive. Coffee, a reasonably priced restaurant. That way if you really don't get along, you haven't blown a ton of money on

    Honestly, negotiating who pays - and how you talk about who pays - is part of figuring out if this person is the right person for you (and you for them). If you have very flexible, egalitarian views and you go on a date with someone who is very rigid 'butches do this, femmes do that," then you probably won't work as a couple. Likewise, if neither of you can really talk about the issue - well, then how are you going to be able to talk about other difficult couple stuff like safe sex, children yes or no, etc... ?

    Usually, when I ask(ed - I am married now) a girl out, I would offer to / insist on paying. But I certainly dated girls who would counter offer (you paid last time, let me get this one). Likewise, I dated girls who would offer (or insist) on going dutch, especially if it was something really expensive, like concert tickets.

    Money can definitely bring up feelings of guilt. It can also be a bit about 'power' or 'roles' in the relationship. If a girl insisted on paying or going dutch, I usually wouldn't fight it. Demanding to pay is pushy and can leave the other person feeling guilty or obligated.

    I once casually dated a girl who made a lot of money. She was forever fighting trying to take me on really, really expensive dates. Like 5 star restaurants, open bar booze cruises, ski weekends in luxury hotels. For starters, I don't like that stuff - I am more of a beer and wings kind of gal. Secondly, it felt weird that she was so pushy about it. She wasn't accepting me for me, she was trying to shove me into how she thought I / we should be. But, biggest of all, it left me feeling weird and obligated. If she paid for me to go on a luxury ski weekend, was she going to expect me to bang her all weekend?? She definitely dropped hints that that is how she saw things. I did not like that dynamic and broke things off with her. But there are probably women who would have been cool with that scenario (cool, my hookup wants to take me to a swanky hotel, where we can soak in the hot tub and eat at the spendy restaurant in between rounds of banging.)

    So yeah, money can be simple 'let's split coffee,' or it can be really complicated.
     
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