What's a fair request?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by AEFan1, Jan 11, 2018 at 2:46 PM.

  1. AEFan1

    AEFan1 Member

    Dec 11, 2013
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    Hello all,

    I broke up with my partner of 9-years for a 6-month period last year. During that time she began seeing/sleeping with a poly woman who was in a committed relationship with a man, and I began dating/sleeping with another woman...

    I realized I had made a horrible mistake and let my fears control me when I broke up with her, so I reached out to her and we began the process of healing and getting back together.

    She wants to maintain a friendship with this woman and I feel scared about it...mostly about the "poly" lifestyle wiggling its way into my monogamous relationship. Also, I don't like the woman...I think she's crossed the line with my partner after we moved back in with one another and have been working on our relationship (recently sending my partner a text complimenting her sexual techniques--complete with the tongue emoji). They stopped sleeping with one another...but my partner wants this woman to stay in her life as her friend. This woman reminds me of the horrible mistake I made and I want her gone. Am I being unreasonable wanting to ask my partner to end the friendship? My partner has said it's a non-negotiable and I need to deal with my insecurities. Thank you for your thoughts/insights.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I would like to say that I would be upset seeing such a text as well! There's light flirting that people do, but this is pretty heavy to me. And considering that you are still healing, it is kind of insensitive. Now, I do want to let you know that Poly is very incompatible with cheating. Most poly people I have heard and read from judge cheating rather harshly and most times more than mono folks. This friend of your partner's may not realize that you are hurting this much as despite everything your partner did come back to you. And, certainly, she would not think you would be reading her texts.

    Nothing is unreasonable when it comes to what you want to come home to. But your partner is adamant about it so you don't have much of a choice if you want to stay together. Unfortunately things like this happen a lot where we don't always like the people our partners are related to and associate with. While you can't make your partner drop people, you can put some boundaries about the some of the ways they should be interacting. It is ok to tell her how much this hurts even if you are not demanding that she end the friendship. And, I am not sure how you got to see the text, but maybe tell her she needs to be more discreet about bringing her up in any context around you. You can ask her if she could tell her former fling to cool it with the flirting. It is reasonable to be sensitive about such things, especially with what had happened between you two.

    I think the positive thing about this is, you can use this to really deal with your fears and what may have broken you up in the first place. Tell her you are not out to control her but you want to see if you could both put some work into this so it won't break you guys up again.

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