Third wheel in rleationship

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Leigh Hildyard, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Leigh Hildyard

    Leigh Hildyard New Member

    Mar 13, 2018
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    Hi everyone, i've never used a forum like this to ask for help or in this case just some advice. I've been involved with an amazing woman for three years. It has never been perfect (im not sure any relationship is) and there have been some amazing times and some truly awful ones. She has a child from a previous relationship and i am pregnant (we've been trying for a while). This time of our lives which is supposed to be amazing is really turning into a nightmare and i go to bed every night wondering what i've done. I feel no joy in this amazing thing that is happening, just panic.

    The reason for this unhappiness and fighting is not the fact that she drinks too much, becomes horrible, or the ten year old who thinks she is an equal size adult in our relationship or the mother in law who thinks we're living in sin.

    No its the best friend who for years i have thought has ulterior motives. This friend constantly interferes in our relationship eg taking her out and getting her drunk before family was supposed to arrive for her birthday dinner, always being in our home, cutting me out of conversations and inappropriately stroking her hair or touching her arm. So many hundreds of moments over three years.

    I feel so stupid because i have made my opinion known about how i feel, in fact six months into our relationship i said something and it turned into a huge fight. Anyway the bottom line is this. I didn't want to tell this friend about the pregnancy until we hit 12 weeks. Somehow she found out and has since created chaos by acting as if she had every right to know and that she is so hurt. She wont talk to me and has stopped coming to the house, which wouldn't be a bad thing,except it now means my partner goes to her house without me and blames me for the fact that her friend is making it difficult to see her.

    The worst part is, i know i'm not wrong and my girlfriend cannot see the manipulation. She basically prioritised her friendship over our relationship and certainly our baby.

    Last night she gave me an ultimatum, apologise or its over. i guess that makes it pretty clear where the priority lies....the worst part...this best my cousin.

    so why do i find it so hard to leave?

    Please help
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    You don't have a third wheel problem, you have a girlfriend problem.

    Your partner has chosen this friend over you and your family. Your choice is pretty straightfoward: accept second place with your "amazing" (hint: I don't think she's so amazing) partner, or leave. That doesn't make it easy, but it is not complicated.

    Before doing anything else, I would reach out to your team. Other family members and friends, perhaps a counselor or therapist; you need a solid corner of people who are on your side and who will support you whatever choice you make. You need a deep bench in case you decide to be a single parent, or decide to stay with a woman who does not put you first. Who can you ask to go with you to doctor's appointments? To be a safe place when your girlfriend has been drinking? To pick up your baby when she is unavailable (perhaps because she is drunk and/or hanging out with this friend)? You need that team in place, ASAP, so reach out and say, "hey, things are difficult right now and I am reaching out for some support. Can we get lunch?" The people who love you will be glad to hear from you.

    And then... well, I think you should leave. I think that's very hard to do, and I understand why you would not, but I think ultimately you have to decide if you want to raise a child with a woman who is more interested in her friend's feelings that her partner's boundaries and well-being. Who has not shut down these inappropriate attentions, even though she knows it bothers you. Who also drinks, and puts that drinking before taking care of you. Who is "horrible" to you (ever).

    No relationship is perfect, but I think this is farther from perfect (/healthy) than you think.
    greylin likes this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Please don't stay there.

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