Thanks!

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Girlygirl, Apr 21, 2018.

  1. Girlygirl

    Girlygirl New Member

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    #1
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2018
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Oh boy.

    1) if you are having sexual and or romantic feelings for her, you aren't straight. Bi maybe, but not straight.

    2) You have a husband and 2 young kids. You are being really selfish and immature. You are risking hurting your husband, your kids, the girl, your job and yourself. Why? Because you are infatuated with a 25 year old?

    Seriously?

    Everyone else here is an adult, but I feel genuinely sorry for your kids. They don't deserve the kind of pain that can come from this mess.

    3) She is probably hot and cold because you are her "straight," married with young kids, coworker. If she has any common sense, she sees that this is a train wreck for all involved. If she has any common sense she is probably trying to stay away and not get hurt, not be a home wrecker and not shit where she works. But you keep finding ways to pull her back in.

    4) She probably meant it when she said you aren't friends. Because you aren't. You are infatuated with her and have a crush on her. Your behavior towards her is based on your attraction, not on friendship. Some people can have friendships with their crushes, but lots of people can't because there is just too much drama. Too many intense feelings, too many ulterior motives. It certainly sounds like things with you two is dramatic. So she doesn't want to do some weird pseudo flirting thing, then pretend you are just being friendly.

    5) You didn't mess this up with your neuroticism. You messed it up by being married to a dude. Being married to anyone generally is a deal breaker for starting new relationships. Pretty much any girl you try and date will be put off by the whole you have a husband thing.

    6) If you don't love your husband, then divorce him and move on. But end it in an upfront way so you can amiably co-parent your kids for the next 16 years. There's 'honey, your dad and I split up because we grew apart' and then there's 'your dad left me when he caught me screwing this girl from work.' So yeah, try to avoid the latter.

    7) Again, you probably aren't straight. You sound at least bi. If you want to get some therapy to sort out your sexuality, it's a good idea. While you are there, maybe try to sort out why you seem so ok with trying to bang a chick while still married.
     
    #2
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I agree with @Bluenote.

    Put yourself in her shoes -- she's 25; you're a 35 year old married mother of two. If she has any sense at all, it's likely she sees getting involved with you as a bad idea which most likely would end up with her getting hurt. While it seems you are wanting to have your cake and eat it, too.

    You don't get both.

    You either stay in your marriage and be a good wife and mom, or you leave it because the marriage isn't working - not because someone comes along and intrigues you.

    Figure out who you are and what you want first -- because there are innocent peoples' emotions involved. That cost alone should give you pause.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2018
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  4. Girlygirl

    Girlygirl New Member

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    Thank you for your honesty as well.
     
    #4
  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    #5
  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Hmmm; I can only imagine my advice if that poor girl wrote in. But you did, so I'm just gonna answer the questions you asked.

    Because this is a really screwed up situation. You are her coworker, you are married, you are "straight," you have children, and all of that makes you off-limits. You're also infatuated with her, and I'm sure that shows in your behavior (up to and including how you 'beg and plead and apologize' for your disagreements). She is uncomfortable, flattered, confused. She likes you, but entered into a workplace friendship - even one that edged on the inappropriate - expecting certain boundaries and limits to be in place, but you have let those limits be pushed because you are "intrigued," and you've left safe territory.

    Yes. We usually call people who are infatuated and sexually/romantically interested in people of the same gender "not straight." That seems the most straightforward part of this, actually.

    Maybe? It doesn't matter. She has told you that she has ended your friendship, and she doesn't owe you an explanation or a second (third, fourth...) chance. If she was interested in you, she made the (pretty sane and healthy) choice that she did not want to continue this amorphous, unacknowledged workplace flirtation with a declared straight married women. She is telling you that she does not want to be your "friend," or your friend. So accept her decision and back off.

    And... think about why she is saying that. The age difference here, the difference in life stage (20s and single vs. 30s and married with kids), the possibility of a workplace power dynamic - think about the situation this woman is in. She does not want to be your friend because of the way you treat her, and that includes the way YOU blow hot and cold, seek her attention and then are "aggravated" by her, talk about sex with her and then go home to your husband and kids.

    Uh, you are the heterosexually married woman who realized that she was not quite so heterosexual, and made some questionable hormone-fuelled decisions to pursue inappropriate workplace "friendship" with a young, possibly interested queer girl. You're not stupid; you are also not powerless or hapless in this situation and you seem to be using language ("fell for," "my neuroticism ruined it") that removes your agency and control. This isn't something that just happened to you, it's something that you contributed to, pursued, and shaped.

    If you are queer and interested in exploring that, your first step is looking to your marriage, husband, and family and figuring out what that might mean to you.

    Good luck.
     
    #6
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    After you read this and before you write "Thank you for your honesty" please realise that this is great advice. Seek some help with your feelings and get some perspective on your work and home life.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I realize that my opinion is not the most awesome one I have ever given, seeing as it was both judgey and, in places, snarky. The snark was calculated- I was trying to take the sting out of the fact that being married with two kids is a deal breaker to most prospective romances. The judgey is one of a handful of things I am judgey about- adults doing things for sex / romance that wind up hurting kids.

    I do, however, hope that these posts have actually helped the OP. Even if that help came in the form of a wake up call (uh, gay cheating on your husband would still be cheating and coworker girl probably doesn't want this trainwreck).

    On reflection, I do have one more bit of non-snarky, non-judgey advice which is neither judgement, nor snark. It is a little of something that happened to me a few years ago. It may give some insight into what coworker girl is thinking/ feeling. It's a bit of a tale, so bear with me.

    --- long ass story---

    A few years ago, I had a friend "R." R was part of my social circle, she knew me, my wife and some of our friends. She was married (to a woman) and had two young kids. We would get together as a group and sometimes R and I would meet up, just the two of us, for beers.

    At first, when we'd have drinks it was normal. We'd talk about all kinds of stuff- sports, which celebrities were cute, our respective jobs, funny stuff her kids did, etc... She would say a few flirty things, give a few compliments, but I chalked it up to meaningless flirting- that she had no intention of actually trying to fuck / dating me. Plus, the compliments were nice. I wasn't in the greatest place at the time, tbh.

    Then, one time we hung out and she was wicked flirty. I got uncomfortable and told her to stop. She tried to play it off as a joke. I told her not to do that crap and left. She apologized and behaved better... for awhile. In retrospect, I wish I had 'friend dumped' her that night.

    It was like a two step forward, one step back thing. We would hang out in a group, or over beers and everything was fine. Then, one time she would be very flirty. I would tell her no and she would be fine.. for awhile. The amount of time she was fine got shorter and the stuff she would say would get more blatantly flirty. It kind of crept up on me, how much her behavior had progressed. Plus, she would play it off as a joke and I fell for it, instead of listening to my gut.

    Then, one time we got together and she was blatantly very sexually in her talk. She tried to badger me into answering "hypothetical" questions about 'if we had sex, what would you want to do'. I snapped and told her that I wasn't going to answer, because I didn't want to feel like I was cheating on my wife. That, in my marriage, having dirty talk with someone else would be cheating. She got very upset and cried. She claimed she felt very guilty and embarrassed.

    I had had enough and we weren't friends after that. She had crossed a line for me. This wasn't just a few flirty comments. This was an attempt to do something sexual. It was also an attempt to badger me into sexy talk, when I had repeatedly said 'no,' to her.

    The parallel here is it sounds like a similar thing with you and coworker girl. You started out as work friends, but over time your friendship escalated to something more. It escalated into you confessing you liked her. It escalated into intense emotions, at least on your part. She hasn't tried to date / fuck you outside of work and has tried to cool things off, repeatedly.

    ---end long ass story---

    It sounds like you finally crossed some line for her. I don't know her side of things, so I don't know what that line was. Too much drama? Too much flirting? A moment of epiphany that you have a husband and kids and she's not a home wrecker? Office gossip? This going from a 'harmless' flirtation to you having real feelings for her?

    Whatever it was, the line meant enough to her that she said you two weren't friends. Sometimes, people go along with situations that they don't like- until they have had enough and snap. She may well have been going along with you for some time now, because you keep pushing/ begging/ pleading/ manipulating.

    I suggest you stop it.
    1) it could wind you up in real trouble at work. If she makes a complaint, it could go poorly for you. At work and with the husband.
    2) if you actually care about her, you will respect that she doesn't want this. Caring about someone isn't dragging them into an unhealthy whatever.
    3) It could really hurt your kids.
    4) it could hurt you and your husband.

    I double down on my suggestion to get therapy. You have a lot to sort out about your sexuality and your marriage.

    But you also have some stuff to sort out about your behavior. You tried to pull a much younger woman into some kind of romantic thingy with you. She tried to put on the brakes, but you were very persistent. Why did you feel justified in pushing this young woman's buttons to get what you want? In retrospect, do you still see this as caring for her, or do you see it as self serving? Why did you ignore her repeated attempts to pull away? Why did you pass off infatuation as friendship?

    Since you are attracted to woman, you would be wise to face these questions directly. You don't want to keep repeating getting into weird "friendships" with woman that you actually want to date / fuck.
     
    #8
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The things I generally jump all over are things people do that are inappropriate at work. Well this has been covered extensively and well here so I will try to answer some things you wanted to know. I will also throw in some thoughts about you recovering from this crush. I am working from memory as you have since wiped your post.

    I would say both of you are quite young to me so I am viewing everything from my age perspective. I think you are in very different places as she is single and starting out and you have an established family and longer work life. I think you wanted to know if your co-worker had feelings for you. I would say she did not and does not. Some people are naturally charming and are people persons. She might have that fun side that picked up on your fun side and boom, it meant more to you than it did her. She was just fun flirting. I think maybe as a woman with long work hours and having to go home to more work with kids and less attention, whatever she piqued in you caught you like it was crack. I give you a lot of credit for asking for advice, listening and thanking people for their honesty.

    I think you got caught in a bad moment/spiral with this crush. And yes, when I got to the part where she said she is not your friend, I went oh wow. I think there is still time to deal with this and let time heal your professional life. From this very moment on, you have to treat her like any co-worker and just be polite and distant. Don't talk to her unless you have to for work. Treat her with respect you grant any stranger you are thrown in with in an elevator.

    As far as your sexuality. I would not even classify this co-worker thing as the only thing to figure your sexuality on. I would really go back in your head to see if you notice any past attractions. If you are really honest with yourself, you might be able to re-classify some interactions you had with other women as such. This thing with the co-worker might have been a catalyst to finally let you see what your sexuality is or it might have been an attention thing. You could still be mostly straight but hey, this was such nice attention that you have been craving and it is new and different so it appealed to you. So, look into yourself more fully than this one experience. Therapy is a good for that. I would suggest that you get a family therapist to see individually and then maybe with your husband later.

    I would really listen to Bluenote's history with that woman and make sure you don't fall into that again with this co-worker or any other inappropriate crush situations. Suppose you back off completely and she starts warming up again, it just means she wants to be work-friendly, not friendly friendly. Treat this like an addiction, and it means you need to just keep away from anything that might tempt you to think just a little more interaction with her is ok. You know it will never be ok with her anymore. But that's ok, you are a grown woman with kids to raise and examples to set of someone who can get past a mistake and you can get over this.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 22, 2018
  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    FWIW, I really was not trying to be judgy, either.

    A lot of times I come off with the "tough love" approach because sometimes people need the proverbial cold bucket of water thrown on them to step back and look at the situation objectively.

    I can't say anything better than what @lorienczhiu or @Bluenote or @greylin stated....However, sometimes our own selfishness has us acting in ways we normally wouldn't dream of acting. Giving you the benefit of the doubt and not to beat up on you, it's quite possible you never considered this from her perspective.
     
    #10
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