Stuck and indecisive

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by B.marie, Jun 11, 2017.

  1. B.marie

    B.marie New Member

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    So this is the first time I've ever really put out the thoughts in my head. I've recently been reading these forums, trying to find stories and people I can relate to but I've never built up the courage to post.... It's been about 2 years now that I've been in the process of coming out to myself. I'm 23 years old, never been in a relationship, and for a very long time I can remember pushing back the thoughts that I might be gay while also dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I put it together that the depression I was feeling was coming from the fact that I was hiding things about me from so many people including myself. I had to start letting myself think about how I was feeling and that's how I've begun the process of accepting myself as being gay and changing my way of thinking. A year ago I got the opportunity to move away to another country for a year and I was so excited that this would be the best opportunity for myself to figure out my sexuality in a place where no one knows me or has any expectations of who I should be. That didn't happen. Now that the year is coming to an end and I'm heading back home, I'm exactly where I was when I left, not able to break out of the closeted and in my head person I've always been. I'm afraid I'm stuck and I'm never going to get past this never ending circle of wanting to explore my sexuality but not being able to because I'm afraid of coming out or being figured out. And now I'm heading home to my parents and family friend wanting to set me up with this "really nice guy." A set up that I know I'm going to have to avoid or brush off. I'm 23 years old. I don't want to keep putting off relationships, and although I try and tell myself to "try it out, I've never dated before so how could I know?!" I really do know that this isn't the relationship I want.
    I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this.. Answers, advice? I've just never been able to talk with anyone about it and it's been tearing me up inside, consuming all of my thoughts!
     
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    Last edited: Jun 11, 2017
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if I could really advice you on this except that I hope you can accept yourself even when you don't have things figured out. Meredith Baxter didn't find out that she was gay till like 50 plus. I have talked to so many women who were older and still trying to figure things out. I am not saying to wait a long time, but do cut yourself some slack. You probably had a lot of pressure to do something this year to do the grand reveal and it is a lot of pressure to put on someone. Have you tired just going to an lgbt center in your community and maybe even attend a meet up? You can maybe get an impression before going back? Please be safe when you come out, for instance, if you are making a living not going to get cut off by your parents.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Life is long, buttercup, and you've got so much time.

    I don't say that to discourage you, or to say you should wait to be sure, or out of any kind of "slow down!" mentality at all. It seems like you have been living with this idea for a while, and it's feeling realer and realer, and that you're ready to take it out of your head and into your life. But coming out is not something that you only do once, or even all at once. You don't have to figure this out with one fling, or in one calendar year, or even in one lifetime. You get to take little steps, that feel necessary and important, and be kind to yourself along the way.

    Here are some little steps:
    - Set up an online dating profile. Make it as anonymous as you want. Check "interested in women" and send that little truth out into the world.
    - Experiment with queer fashion - little signifiers that are a reminder to you (and maybe a clue to others in the know) that this is true for you.
    - Visit a bookstore or a cafe somewhere new - preferably in a city with a healthy, visibly queer population. Let yourself check out a few women. Appreciate, on purpose. Then finish your coffee.
    - Read some queer books or take in queer media. Autostraddle, Steven Universe, Audre Lorde - whatever interests you. Exult in the ways your people challenge the status quo, struggle, love each other.
    - Join meetup, and see what queer/LGBTQ groups exist in your area. Could you join a book club? A movie marathon party? A running group? If you're feeling bold, pick a group and go to one meeting.

    Your first steps don't have to be declaring your identity and having a relationship/fling/makeout session. They can be tentative, reversible, and platonic - this is also "exploring your sexuality!" You can get to know other queer humans and learn from them, rather than doing this all on your own. You can take your time, and try out different things. You can be yourself - this analytical, "in your head" reflective sensitive thinker - and engage with queerness on in ways that are authentic to you.

    Take a tiny step towards "unstuck." You got this.
     
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  4. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    God where were you two (greylin included) when I was coming out!!! I wish someone had given me this advice;) op this is good advice!! I'm only going to stress more of what they said in that this is your journey and it's going to happen in a way that's natural to you, give yourself a break, you got this, it's not a race :)
     
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  5. B.marie

    B.marie New Member

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    Thank you all for taking the time to write back! You don't know how much I appreciate getting your insight and advice :) I didn't know how I would feel after making this post, it's not necessarily saying it out loud, but putting it out there was kind of like a first step for me and reading your suggestions and encouragement put a smile on my face. I will definitely keep all that you said in mind and start making "little steps" for myself. I understand that there's going to be a long journey ahead and I hope I can just push myself to start moving forward.
     
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  6. Mat

    Mat New Member

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    Hi B. marie. I think that it's really great that you found the courage to write this all down. I'm not good with advice, I just wanted to tell you what helped me accepting myself. Maybe you'll find this helpful. For me it started by visiting this website and watching the different vlogs that were posted here a long time ago; Brunch with Bridget, We're getting nowhere, This just out, she made me watch this. All these vlogs showed women who were out and seemed very happy with who they were. I realized that it was ok to be gay. You can still find some of these vlogs on this website or YouTube. Watching movies and tv shows with lesbian characters is also a thing you could try.

    I hope someday you will find the courage to be yourself. Take your time. It's a process. But it's not all bad. You will meet so many wonderful people along the way and you will have so many wonderful experiences. Good luck to you!

    (I'm sorry for all the things I probably misspelled. I'm not even sure if 'misspelled' is a word. I'm Dutch...)
     
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  7. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I can't really speak for anyone but myself. Now that I look back I know that I've always known I was not straight but while growing up was so unsure. I am currently 22, came to terms with myself when I was 15. also fought depression and since I am, unfortunately, still living in a really narrow-minded place, coming to terms with my sexuality is still not that easy. Don't lose hope, though.
    What helped me was seeing how normal same-sex relationships are, visiting a psychologist also helped me a lot (be careful though-it's vital that you find someone who'll actually know what they're talking about instead of taking your money). Search for tv shows that feature same-sex couples.
    As for the date itself-maybe you owe it to yourself to try just to be sure because sometimes there's this part of us which is constantly whispering "What if?".
     
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  8. RiverPlate

    RiverPlate Member

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    When I was reading your post , a lot reminded me of my own personal journey, It was actually during a trip abroad ( albeit shorter than yours) that I finally came to terms with my whole self. I acknowledged that what I had my whole life considered a flaw, a weakness,a sin, was actually one of the things that make me wonderfully original. I came out to myself and to a single friend,, but family and work are at present not a possibility, so I have felt for a while the same way you describe! I haven't met THE one in a flash of blinding light, so I decided to reach and befriend interesting, meaningful people, Among them there is someone I like, I don't know what will be of it, but even as a friend she would be a positive influence around. As you can see, there is a long way ahead, but it encourages me to read that other women are on the same path, and also actively seeking a way ahead.
    I hope that all of us can go on the way clearing obstacles, with the final objective of living our lives to the fullest, free of any fear of rejection and hiding!
     
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