Snowed in

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Zuidam, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Hi there,

    It feels a bit weird to post here, but I‘m not only literally snowed in - the road to our town is closed - I also feel emotionally snowed in. I feel like a need a safe place where I can talk about my situation, because there is no such place in my real life, at least not at the moment. Not because of an homophobic environment or so, simply because I‘m not there yet myself. It feels much easier to talk to anonymous strangers than to my friends next door.

    I think I have fallen in love with a girl. This might be not a big surprise for you, but it is for me. Until recently, I never considered myself anything else than straight, but I guess that maight not be totally true. There is a girl that showed up in my life a few months ago, pretty much out of the blue and unlike her orginal plans, will not be leaving any time soon. Not that I really want her to leave again, but sometimes I think it would make things much easier and I could go back to my „normal“ life as it was before ... I know, not a very mature or realistic approach to the situation.

    I don‘t know where to start or what I‘m actually hoping to get out from telling you this. I guess I just need to get rid of a few things.

    We both live and work in a very small village up in the mountains. Not much here except a few farmers, two hotels, a bar, a small shop and post office, doctor, school and a ski resort. Although we don‘t directly work together, everything is so close that we see each other several times a day and since we get along really well and there aren‘t that many people here that are our age, we also spend a lot of our free time together - which was ok until recently, until this weird feelings started in my stomach.

    We both stayed here over the holidays. Me because I had to work, she because this is sort of home to her. We spent christmas eve together at her friends (who are also my best friends here – that‘s another reason why all of this is a bit complicated and I can‘t talk to anyone about it: I moved here little over a year ago for a job. Originally I only planned on staying for a year, but I really enjoyed the work and fell in love with this crazy place, so I‘m still here, but I don‘t have many close friends here. The couple I‘m closest with, they are her very best friends, they are like family to her and she is like family to them. She sort of grew up here, but now lives abroad. Because of a few things that happened in her life recently, she needed a time-out from „reality“ (as she calls it) and came back here, to stay with her friends for some while. Few weeks turned into two months and shortly before Christmas, they actually asked her to stay, because someone fell ill and likely will be off work for a while and she is the perfect replacement. That‘s why she is still here.

    After Christmas we spent almost every day together. When I had to work, she went skiing with her ski bum friends, when I was off work, I joined them. During the day, we were skiing, in the evening we cooked together, hang out, went to the bar – the things friends normally do. We had a lot of fun, some more serious talks as well, everything was easy and perfect and felt normal. I really enjoined spending all this time with her. It‘s easy, it‘s fun, if feels normal and natural. She makes me feel good and I feel comfortable around her. Just before New Year‘s eve, we had this really great day on the mountain, came back late in the afternoon, super tired, made some good food at my place and decided to watch a movie. We were laying on the couch, and she was her usual self, super relaxed, happy, and I also felt good, was happy, comfortable and everything - the kind of feeling when everthing feels right and in the right place and just as it should be. The movie wasn‘t that brilliant so she kept making silly comments and once I looked at her, she smile at me – she has this big, great, beautiful smile, with little laugh lines around her eyes - and suddenly this weird feeling in my stomach became very clear and real and I realise that I wanted to give her a kiss – when I realized that I froze. It took about a minute for that thought to sink in, but once it had made its way to my front lobe, I completely panicked. I jumped up from the couch, knocked over my cup of tea, headed straight for the door, realized that I was at my place and in my PJs... By then she had gotten up as well, slightly puzzled but taking care of the tea mess and eventually asked what just had happened. I stared at her for a second and heard myself saying that I forgot to call back a colleague about something super important (luckily, I do the kind of work where it is easy to make everything sound really important and use it as legitimate excuse to get out of any situation, 24/7), took my jacket and left (still in my PJs, but my work is 300m down the road from my place and it was 11pm and the street empty).

    I feel bad describing the situation like this, because I feel bad about being so shocked about my own feelings. I always considered my self an open-minded and tolerant person and never saw someone‘s sexual orientation as wrong or problematic. And while I sit here writing this, I don‘t think there is anything wrong about falling in love with such a great and beautiful human being like her. She is one of the greatest people I have ever met. There is nothing wrong with a girl falling in love with a girl, and there is nothing wrong with me falling for her – still here I‘m totally overwhelmed by thiese feelings. I feel like a lost, confused teenager again. Still in summer I thought that I had finally reached a point in my life where I had things figured out: finished my education, got a job – I don‘t know what I thought would come next, I guess a man, family, the usual thing – instead, there is a girl.

    I haven‘t seen her since the movie incident. That evening I waited in my office until I saw her leaving my place, walking across the main square back to her place. She left the next day to spend New Year‘s with friends and stayed with them for a few days. She texted me just before mid-night, the general happy new years things and asked if I was ok. I didn‘t replied. She came back Sunday evening, but I haven‘t seen her yet. Officially I‘m at work, but yes, I‘ve been hiding as well - I feel like I need a few more days (or weeks) to sort things out for myself, but I don‘t know where to start. At least it‘s out now. I guess that‘s a start?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Zuidam:

    You have described your surroundings so well, I could feel the quiet, snow blanketed emotions from your words. I don't have much to add, but this song came to mind. It is ok to say hi and be nice to her even if you are not going to do anything about it. Feeling things, no matter what will end up happening is the very essence of life itself, no need to hide and run away.

    Hey Jude
    The Beatles
    Hey Jude, don't make it bad
    Take a sad song and make it better
    Remember to let her into your heart
    Then you can start to make it better
    Hey Jude, don't be afraid
    You were made to go out and get her
    The minute you let her under your skin
    Then you begin to make it better
    And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
    Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
    For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
    By making his world a little colder
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
    Hey Jude, don't let me down
    You have found her, now go and get her
    Remember to let her into your heart
    Then you can start to make it better
    So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
    You're waiting for someone to perform with
    And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do
    The movement you need is on your shoulder
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah
    Hey Jude, don't make it bad
    Take a sad song and make it better
    Remember to let her under your skin
    Then you'll begin to make it
    Better better better better better better, oh
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul Mccartney
    Hey Jude lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
     
    #2
  3. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Thanks Greyling for your nice and wise words. Never underestimate the power of the Beatles!

    I like your analogy with the snow. To continue with it: the sun came back out and the snow has started to melt (;

    I hid for two more days. Work was on my side again, but this time for real. I had to stay out of town (village) - it was good to have this extra time for myself, because a few things became clear to me.

    One thing I was wondering about was, if I have those feelings for CC (let‘s call her that) because I‘m curious and this is all new to me. The thing is, I think I forgot to mention this - too preoccupied with myself - CC is gay, and she is completely open about it and out and everyone knows. Again, I‘m not proud of this, but she is the first gay person I really know. Everyone in my extended family is straight (at least to my knowledge), all my friends back home are straight. Of course I know of some people from high school or uni who came out as gay, but no one in my closer circle of friends. - But, after all the soul-searching, I think, that‘s not it. Of course I have a lot of questions, but as often in life, I trust the answers will come when they are needed. I really like her for who she is and what she is and my feelings for her have nothing to do with her being gay.

    When I was away I decided for myself to just wait and see what happens and let happen whatever is supposed to happen, and I felt ready to face whatever life has in store for me… but things came a bit different

    The first time my good intentions were put to the test, was right when I arrived back in our village, because I basically drove into CC. Not how I had envisioned our first encounter, but I had no option than to face her. She gave me her best smile and that was it. My heart made a little backflip and I thought „Damn, these feelings are so real!“ - Even though all of this is still very confusing and scary and will not go anywhere, for a millisecond really liking someone, being in love, is a nice feeling… CC, cool and smooth as always, raised an eyebrow, rolled her eyes (that‘s her thing) and just asked: „Hey you, where have you been hiding?“ and then hugged me. started to talk … All the way over to my office I talked about how stressfull the last few days were, how all that snow is a new experience for me and how glad I am that life is finally getting back to normal, until CC suddenly stopped me and said deadly serious: „Can we talk sometime? Are you free this evening?“ For a second I thought ,she knows‘. but when I asked what she wanted to talk about, she wouldn‘t say. I said yes to the evening plan, but it didn‘t happen because CC got held up on the phone.

    Yesterday, we went skiing together (and with some of her friends). Although I‘m constantly out of my comfort zone when I ski with them – of course they all ski way better than I do – it was a lot of fun. They are super patient with me and really look out for me, especially CC. When we were on our own on the double chair, I asked her again what she wanted to talk about, but she said again „ Not now, let‘s talk later.“ Then, after skiing, that‘s when things turned a bit weird, at least for me. We were at the lodge having a beer and CCs best buddy, let's call him ski patrol guy (because that's his job, but he was off work yesterday) showed up as well. They know each other from back when they were teenagers. I‘m sure they did a lot of stupid silly things together when they were young. These days, they ski together, drink beer together, and apparently, when they are tipsy, have a competition running who can make more girls smile… this is a whole new side of CC (and ski patrol guy). When we are on our own they are really nice and normal people... anyway, fact is, that they do get a lot of smiles, because they are both really attractive, handsome, cool people … and, I couldn‘t believe it, one of the girls (I have seen her before, I think she‘s an instructor) came over and started to talk to CC, like proper flirt talk. And CC was flirting back. I was sitting across them, trying to do small talk with ski patrol guy but really I was burning from the inside, thinking 'WTF is going on here?' Fortunately, it was getting dark and we had to get going soon. Thnak god ski instructor girl lives on the other side of the mountain, so she she didn't come with us !

    Oh dear, keeping cool is much harder than I expected. Only six more weeks.

    When we were back home, CC asked if could talk later in the evening – but I was in no mood for any talking, I needed to be on my own and process the day So, the talk hasn‘t happened yet. I still have no clue what it could be about. I dont think that she knows or suspects. Must be something else.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Whoa, that's quite a cliff hanger. I am at the edge of my seat! Hope it all goes well for you and thanks for letting us know how it's been for you. Take care. :)
     
    #4
  5. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Haha – Greylin, sorry to keep you hanging. All that snow! This winter is crazy, at least here in Europe. The Alps have turned into one big Winter Wonderland it‘s amazing (and at times a little bit scary, but we‘re all fine).

    I‘m afraid I can‘t give you the cliffhanger you were waiting for. A couple of days after the Ski-Sunday, we had coffee together, it‘s our Tuesday morning ritual: we meet in the backroom of the cafeteria (usually one special people are allowed in there and I‘m still wondering how I made list after having been around only for one year … CC - of course - is also on the list). I was already there, our mutual friend as well and the lady who runs the place (she is this absolutely amazing older lady, the secret boss of the village and everyone‘s therapist). CC was late and was not in a good mood, not at all. The older lady looked at her and only said: „And?“ - and very much CC-unlike - a tirade about „her real life“ followed. Now that CC took on this job and won‘t be returning to „her reality“ for at least five more weeks, she finally had to sort a few things she has been avoiding until now. „Reality“ also includes an ex-girlfriend, who doesn‘t seem to be to cooperative in sorting things out or trying to make peace with the past, and CC was really pissed about that. Once the „reality“- part was over (the three of us were just listening because it was clear that she didn‘t want (or need) advice or help, it was just venting) CC suddenly turn to me and said how not cool it was of me to just disappear and not call or text or anything for over a week. That‘s not what friends do and how you can‘t rely on anybody and how she doesn‘t get people etc. etc. etc. - as I said: really, really bad mood in combination with some emotional stress... However, the part about me hit me a little bit, but she has a point. Normally, I consider myself a pretty reliable person and a good and loyal friend and I never meant to dissapoint or hurt her.

    Anyways, the second CC was finished with her monologue, she took her coffe and left again, saying that she has to get back to work. I must have looked very baffeled. This was a new side of CC. Usually she is pretty relaxed, nothing really upsets her, very self confident and on top of her emotions… The two ladies, who both kow CC from when she was a teenager, gave me the „ Ohoh, what have you done look“ - but before I could say anything. the older one started to give me a very personal explanation of how CC works... to summarize 30min in one sentence: being left behind alone is the story of CC‘s life.

    It took me the rest of that day and most of the next day to digest this coffee break and all the information that came with it. Definitely too much information at once… and of course I didn‘t feel great and somehow it didn‘t feel right to have all this background information on CC without her knowing it or maybe wanting me to know all these things. So, after some thinking, I texted CC and asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner – she said yes, I went shopping and in the evening we met at my place. CC showed up in all her glory, freshly showered – she does a lot of sports, basically she is always just fresh out of the shower and the shower bath she uses is 120% her. Sometimes there a things, cloth, music, whatever that perfectly match a person. In other words: if CC would be a shower bath, this would be her (; ment-bergamot: fresh, fruity, cheeky… and in addition to the perfect smell, she has the perfect CC - hair style, especially after taking a shower, very dark-brown hair, a bit below ear-level and mezzy – I had to stop my preparations and just gaze at her for a moment. CC just laught – so she was also back in her usual happy mood. It was a pretty fun and nice evening. By the time we had finish cooking, we had also emptied the first half bottle of wine… It felt good to be back to our old normal behaviour, at the same time it doesn‘t only feel like „old and normal“ to me anymore. Everytime she touches me – she is not a overly touchy-feely person , but my kitchen is very small, so there is a lot of „let me through“, „ you‘re in my way“, „move!“ - pushing around, it makes me shiver a little bit. We talked a lot that night, I apologized for not being in touch after the holidays, but I wasn‘t brave enough to tell her the real reason. I also didn‘t tell her about what they others told me at the coffee break. I just said that I‘m sorry that things are so difficult for her, especially with her ex girlfriend. She told me a few things about their relationship. Not sure if I wanted to hear all of them, because they made me realise that she is emotionally totally unavailable and completely somewhere else in her head and heart and falling for someone is the very last thing on her mind right now. Not that I really had much hope, but a girl can dream, right? I couldn‘t help but I had to ask her about Ski Instructor girl – I saw her in our village last week and was thinking to myself „What are you doing here? That‘s the wrong side of the mountain...“ - CC even didn‘t remember her name and was like „Who, what? …. Ah, her … NO … that is just a silly game ... it‘s like a little push for our egos...“

    To come to an end: Status quo, plus the strong, strong feeling that my fruity, cheeky ment-bergamot dream is emotionally somewhere else right now.
     
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  6. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Apologies, but I had do come back. Not sure if anyone reads this, but I find writing rather therapeutic and I‘m in desperate need for a therapy session...

    - coffee lady knows

    Friday morning, CC came to see my at work to ask for a favor, and I said no. Not because it‘s something illegal or so. Simply because I don‘t feel comfortable doing it, because it‘s her. It would mean to dig in her past (and some other things) and I don‘t want to do that. Right now, in this situation, I don‘t feel comfortable doing it. So I asked her to go and see my colleague, but she doesn‘t like and he is also not a big fan of her.

    Of course she didn‘t understand why I would do it (of course I didn‘t tell her the full truth), left upset, went to the coffee-lady and complained about me. When I went there about an hour later to get my coffee, coffee-lady was quite nerved (very unusually for her) and greeted me with something like „What the hell is going on with you two?“ „What do you mean?“, I asked. She told me what CC told her and how upset she was ... She also asked why I wouldn‘t do it. It‘s really just a routine thing and considering the circumstances, this being a small village, I must admit, it doesn‘t make much sense. If coffee lady would ask the same favour, I would do it without hesitating – but with CC it‘s different. Of course I didn't her the full story either... but no need for that, she figured it out on her own and suggenly sighed „You like her?!“.

    Coffee lady is a straight forward – no bullshit – you only live once – type of person (she lost her first husband in a work accident and her second husband died of cancer a few years, I guess she knows what she is talking about) and to summarize the long conversation that followed: she tinks I should do something. In her opinion waiting til CC‘s depature is the worst thing I can do. My arguement that I have the strong feeling that CC sees me only like a (good) friend and is still dealing with her last relationship was defeated by „That‘s her staff. You have to do this for yourself. What comes out is not in your hands, but at least you know.“

    I totally see coffe lady‘s point. If a friend would ask me for advice I would tell them exactly the same. It doesn‘t happen on a daily base (at least not to me) that you meet someone who makes you feel that special way. These special people in your life don‘t wait at any corner for you. But at the same time, this is still so confusing and scary to me and I‘m nowhere near the point of acting on my feelings. Besides, as I said already, CC is in a different universe at the moment. Besides the whole break-up thing, she is in the middle of finishing up her thesis, figuring out what to do next in her life. The very last thing she needs is me messing up our friendship and ruine everything for the last few weeks. My solution was to let her go back to her normal life. Since there would be a whole ocean between us, I figured it would be easy to let her go and eventually get over her and move on to whatever, whoever comes next. However, truth is I haven‘t really thought much about her leaving soon, not about what it really means, because she is so present in my life and life here is so intense, I usually don‘t think far ahead. But I did think a lot about it this weekend and that didn‘t feel good.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Don't you think you are over-thinking things just a little? I don't think she will go back to her "normal life" without wondering why you are treating her like crap. Sounds like you have already messed up your friendship so you might as well tell her why. If I were CC, I'd want to know. Cause, you know why? Women, especially young women are extremely introspective, she will always wonder what she'd done to deserve this weirdness from you. She might wonder if it is because of her sexuality. Coffee lady is smart! I will go get a cuppa and see if I will get a leg up on others like that. Good luck.

    And btw, when you like someone, really like someone, an ocean is a mere puddle.
     
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  8. Kaorin

    Kaorin Member

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    I agree with Coffee-lady and Greylin. You can spend a lifetime waiting for the right moment, but it may never come. You might as well just act now, before it's too late.

    In life, it's the chances we don't take that we tend to regret the most. Take a leap of faith, and whatever the result, you will at least know that you tried.

    Keep us updated :)
     
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  9. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Just to emphasize

    "You miss 100% of the shoots you don't take" -- Wayne Gretzky
     
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  10. Maroon

    Maroon Member

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    I enjoy reading this post and like storybooks I hope for a happy ending. But yeah I got it, this isn't fiction.

    If you're very sure to let her go, I hope that one day you don't go wondering "what if.." and by the time you decide to finally tell her she would probably be already really unavailable.

    If you tell her now, and if she doesn't feel the same, in my personal opinion, at least it makes moving forward a little easier - because you did try.
     
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  11. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    I see, 3 of you (and coffee lady) against my fear…

    Thanks everyone for your comments and (strong) opinions. Greylin, you make me feel like a horrible person. I‘m not treating CC like crap. Actually, this is the one thing I have been trying not to do. When I declined to do the favour for her, I didn‘t do that for me, or to be weird or I was just trying to keep things professional and not let my personal feelings and emotions cloud my judgement.

    The thing is, I work as GP, I‘m one of the two village GPs, and the favor CC asked me for is a thorough medical check up she needs for a variety of different reasons, and they need to be accurate. The actual medical check is not the problem, I can handle that, believe me... but it would also mean to go through all her medical records, and there are many of them, and judging from what I have heard about her, her friends and their past not all of them will be about harmless things like age 10 / broken arm / skiing accident. I admit, a few times I have been tempted to have a look at her file – but going through her files is not the way I actually want to learn more about her past. I rather have her telling me what when wants me to know. Does that make any sense? I don‘t want to scare anyone. We‘re not talking about really heavy stuff, more like teenage confusion and foolishness that ended in hospital (more than once).

    I guess my behavior propably didn‘t make a whole lot of sense to CC. That's why yesterday, after her ignoring me for two days, I stopped her when I saw her on the main square and explained why I didn‘t want to do the check up. She was really surprise, because she had assumed that I have already read all her files and know everything about her. I asked her why she would think that and we almost got into a little argument… Eventually she said, that that‘s actually pretty cool of me and that she is not used that someone respects her privacy because in a small place like this, everyone knows everything about everyone and their is no such thing as privacy. I told her that I‘m a big city girl and that in the big city we do things differently – I got a bit of snow down my jacket for that because in her „real life“, she lives in a big city, compared to that my hometown is a village. I also asked her if she still wants me for the check up. She said yes, and after a moment of thinking, she said that we should go through her records together so that if I have any questions or want to know more, I can ask her directly and I don‘t have to believe any gossip or rumors or come up with my own fantacies. I thought „great idea!“, until she raised her eyebrows, put on her killer-smile and said her only conditions is that for every question I ask, she gets to ask me one questions... So, there goes my professionalism, CC and I will be playing Truth or Dare tonight. Last time I played that game I was twelve, on a school skiing trip and ended up kissing a boy for the first time (ok, it was more a peck than a kiss…).

    Joking aside, I take your comments seriously. I can also see why you think she deserves to know. While I do not have a sophisticated plan yet, I have - at least - the intention to do, more likely, to say something tonight.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Those were strong words from me and I apologize. Oddly, when I said that I did not regard you as a horrible person and thought what you did you did out of good intentions. Just that CC did not know about it. Glad you cleared that up with her.
     
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  13. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    You are right, it can get a little awkward to learn things about someone you care about through your work, but a the same time she gets to know you doing your job. Keep it professional, you can go into details later in a private setting.

    I hope everything went well with CC, last night.
     
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  14. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Compared to the questions and situations other people are seeking advice for on here my original „problem“ seems very trivial. So, apologies for using up time and space, but since some of you offered me their (helpful) opinions, I wanted to let you know that things – although a bit turbulent - are going well up here in the mountains (; babysteps still count as progress, right?

    Because of a few unexpected things our truth or dare session didn‘t happen. Maybe better this way... We got more snow and there was an avalanche-accident that kept everyone busy until late last sunday. As by a wonder, no one was seriously harmed, everyone involved was able to leave the hospital the next day.
    From my experience I know that you shouldn‘t be alone after a day like this, so when we finally made it down the mountain, I made CC and ski patrol guy come over to my place. While I was preparing dinner (cooking usually helps me to come down again after a day like this), CC was standing in the middle of the room, philosophizing about how and why some people get to survive and others don‘t – and she seem so lost when she said this, that I just to hug her. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and said that I‘m very glad that she survived all her teenage stupidities and is still around so that we had a chance to meet – babystep No 1 (and a half).

    CC and SPG both ended up staying over night... CC was exhausted from the day and fell asleep on my bed (my place is one big kitchen-living-bed room and my bed also serves as couch) and SPG had a couple of beers and I didn‘t want him to walk home alone through all that snow in the middle of the night (he lives a bit outside the village) - but he (and Oscar, his dog) had to crash on the guest mattress (;

    When I went to bed, I looked at this slightly unexpected scene in the room - SPG cuddled up with Oscar, CC asleep in my bed - and I realised how happy I am with how things are in my life right now and that CC and SPG are a big part of that and that I don‘t want things to change. Of course nothing happened that night. Three people and a dog in one room felt me more like the summer sleep-overs we had at my grand parents place when we were little than anyting romantic, but still, serving CC coffee in bed in the morning - although under different circumstances than you might hoped for - counts as another half babystep (;

    I was away for work again the past few days. This time I didn't disappear on her (baybstep No 3). We texted and talked a few times in the evenings. My plan is still on, although slowly it starts to feel like time is really running out. Coffee lady does a great job reminding me of this everytime she sees me. She looks at me and then suddenly goes „tick-tock-tick-tock", even when CC is around. Yesterday CC almost freaked out and asked her what this is all about. But coffee lady only said that it's her way to remind us that life is short and time is running... now CC suspects that coffee lady is seriously ill... We'll see each other tomorrow evening. Time for the truth (;
     
    #14
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  15. Kaorin

    Kaorin Member

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    No update yet? :oops: I need to know how it went!
     
    #15
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  16. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Sorry Kaorin for keeping you waiting. This time it wasn‘t the snow, also not work, but life itself.

    I‘m afraid I can‘t give you the happy ending you (and I) were hoping for. Somehow things went into a different direction.

    Wednesday started differently than planned. Instead of working CC, SPG and I spent an amazing day skiing. We finally did this ski trip, they have been talking about all winter long: you take the train to the entrance of the valley. From there you take the lift up to the top. From there you ski down into the next valley, climb up the other side, ski down and so on until eventually you end up on our mountain and ski home.
    It really was an amazing day, everything went smootly, we had alot of fun, some scary moments (at least for me) – but as usually they were very patient and encouraging and made me believe I ski like Linsey Vonn. By the time we arrived back in our village it started to get dark. SPG had a family thing and went home directly, CC and I went to my place because we were starving. We took turns taking a shower (half of her stuff was already at my place because since she only has a small room in one of the staff houses, she stayed here when I was away. When I came out of the shower, CC was on the bed, surrounded by her usual cloud of mint-bergamot, (finally) flicking through her medical records… not a bad scenario per se and at this point, I felt confident that everything will work out, somehow.

    While I started to cook, CC read out some of her medical highlights (while I was away my colleague (the one she doesn‘t like and vice versa, did the medical check – and he knows her records by heart because he wrote most of them. so actually the records were irrelevant but I still had them at my place). Most of them actually do belong into the category broken arm / skiing accident. Once or twice I thought „Please tell me you didn‘t really do this!“ One record didn‘t make sense to me (from a medical point of view), so I went over to the bed to look at it myself and, suddenly, found myself lying on the bed next to her, our legs touching, our heads only a few centimeters apart – I pretented to read but if you ask me what the file was about, I can‘t tell you a thing. However, I can tell you, that my heart was racing and my stomached cramped. I briefly looked at CC. CC gave me her most mischievous smile ever, waited for what felt like a minute, did her eye brown thing, and then said totally calm and relaxed „I think the vegetables are burning.“ ….

    After dinner CC took care of the dishes and I continued to look through the records and came across another weird one and shouted out „What, you got stitches for that?!“ CC, all excited, turned around, pulled up her shirt and showed me (very proudly) her scar. Now, I have seen her nice and (almost) perfect body before. We have been to the pool and the sauna together and here everyone is naked in the sauna...), but (a) not that close up, (b) after a bottle of wine and (c) with the crackling sound of a wood fire in the background... Again, my brain stopped functioning properly, I didn‘t know where to look, what to do, I only felt my cheeks getting hot. Thank got I discovered another, small scar on her belly and quickly asked what that was from. Big mistake… It stems from the ex-girlfriend‘s crazy dog and now CC started to tell me everything about their dog (bottom line: she really misses the dog, …). I searched for a smooth way out of the ex-girlfriend talk, but CC was faster. She suddenly jumped up from the bed, walked over to the window, said nothing for a while and than started a confused monologue about how far away her „real life“ seems, how this here feels so normal and like home to her (at that point my inner voice cried out: „I think you should stay too!“ ) and a few more things like this. I figured that maybe that would be a good point in time to put my plan to action. So I got up and and walked over to the window. We both stood there and looked outside for a while (even at night the view is amazing. You can see the lights from the little town down in the valley and on the opposite side of the valley you see the dark silhouettes of the mountains). Suddenly, CC put her arm around my shoulder (she is quite a bit taller than me), I looked at her a bit surprised, CC looked at me, this time no smile, just her big brown puppy eyes, leaned in - and kissed me softly on the cheek. Then she took away her arm and said: „Thanks for the great day! I think we both need to get some sleep after that day!“, took her jacket and walked out the door.

    Do not shout at your computer „Why didn‘t you run after her!“ - I did, sort of. It took me a few moments to process what had just happened, but then I ran to door, opened it. CC was already half way across the square, the hood of her jacket pulled over her head. The way she walked looked so determined and sure, so I stopped at the door and watched her walk away.

    Since then, there has been mainly silence again. It feels weird how things can go from 120% to -50% within a few moments. I‘ve been focused on my work (again) and I guess CC has also been busy wrapping up things at her work. When we meet, like at the coffee place, it‘s always a bit weird, because I don‘t really know what to say and I think she feels the same way. Of course coffee lady realized that something was wrong, so I told her about the evening – she only rolled her eyes and thinks I still need to say something before CC leaves. (Some of) her words: How on Earth is this poor girl supposed to know that you like her!? Everyone thinks you‘re straight!). I thought about it, but I think maybe it's better likes this. Although right now, I feel a bit empty, I think hope things will be easier, once CC has left and everyone can go back to their normal lifes.
     
    #16
  17. Maroon

    Maroon Member

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    Coffee lady is right. But one thing for sure - it wouldn’t be back to normal, at least for you. When is she leaving? I believe it is that fear that your feelings could be one-sided which pulls you away from telling her how you feel about her. And you worry you would lose her as a friend?
    But wouldn’t it be easier if you tell her and then if she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings, moving forward for you would be easier because she is leaving and that’ll help in a way knowing that you did something instead of just watching her leave.

    If you can accept not knowing how she feels about you too, then by all means.

    She’s not straight - In my opinion, you only have to find out if she feels the same for you - you don’t even need to figure if she is okay with the idea of being together with women (which unfortunately most of us still have to).
     
    #17
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  18. Kaorin

    Kaorin Member

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    I don't understand what's holding you back so much? What are you afraid of? Rejection?

    In my opinion, from what you've described in your last post, she's giving pretty strong signals that she reciprocates your feelings. Like Coffee-lady said, she has no reason to believe you're anything other than straight, and so it appears she's creating some distance as a kind of defense mechanism...

    If you let her go without saying a word, won't you always wonder 'what if'? I know I would.
    Just say something. Don't live with regrets.
     
    #18
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @Zuidam, just a confession, I am chicken shit. Still I managed to break quick a few societal rules in the homophobic 80's to be with someone. People at that time either shunned me or (mostly men) got titillated by my revelation. I had a lot more time to process though, like a couple of years before doing anything. Though my situation was more fraught with problems, I did have more time to process.

    I don't envy your time constraint to make a decision that could change someone's life. So I imagine it is a lot to process. If you have any doubt about whether it would be good for her to confess your feelings, I would cast my lot to that it is good to confess. Even if nothing happens after, it is good for her to take this amber of warmth with her. And it is ok for you to tell her if you do confess you don't know what would come of this and where to go from here. That the moments spent with her skiing and by a roaring fire looking at scars will be that spot in your head that you will forever find happiness in.

    The other thing is, would it be good for you to confess? I think it would be good for you as well. Everyone's different. And maybe for you it would be out of sight and out of mind once she's gone and those moments were best left the way they were. For me, and in a context like this where you are getting a lot of good signals, it is a good exercise to navigate love like Linsey Vonn pwning them slopes.
     
    #19
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018
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  20. Zuidam

    Zuidam Member

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    Thanks Maroon, Kaorin and Greylin for your opinions. I really appreciate it! Although coffee lady is my ally in this here, it‘s good to have people that listen and comment. Coffee lady tries her best, but she‘s not completely impartial, too much involved in life here, and, she is not gay.

    Greylin, thanks for sharing an insight to your „story“. I‘m full of respect for your courage back then. I‘m thankful that I do not have to worry about any societal rules anymore, at least not here (my mum still lives by her own rules – but that problem is still light years away).

    I understand all your arguments, and on paper I agree with all of you. I can‘t quite put my finger on what is stopping me myself. I‘m not good with words, especially not in a foreign language, but I‘ll try: I‘m afraid of up-setting the balance, I feel I do not have the right to do so.

    Yes, there is this feeling of intimacy between us – the clichée description would be „it feels as if I have know her forever“, there is a certain level of comfortableness when we‘re around each other. And I‘m almost certain CC feels and sees this the same way.
    We complement each other in many ways. I like to cook (you propably noticed), I‘m a feeder, I take care of people, I like to make people feel comfortable. CC is the opposite. Coffee lady put it like this: CC is like a cat. Independent, but somehow always around, sneaking in - sneaking out (literally and figuratively), always near the fire place looking for warmth but always ready to jump and run. - but that‘s part of her charm, part of what I attracts me to her.

    To be honest, last week when she left my place, to me it felt like she has made the decision for herself not to go there, for whatever reason - and I like and love her too much to not respect that and maybe hurt her. Does that make sense?

    But I like your picture of "amber of warmth". Greylin. I have to think about it a little bit more.
    Sorry if this reply is a bit confusing and all over - I guess it reflects my feelings.
     
    #20

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