Snowed in

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Zuidam, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. Zuidam

    Zuidam New Member

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    Hi there,

    It feels a bit weird to post here, but I‘m not only literally snowed in - the road to our town is closed - I also feel emotionally snowed in. I feel like a need a safe place where I can talk about my situation, because there is no such place in my real life, at least not at the moment. Not because of an homophobic environment or so, simply because I‘m not there yet myself. It feels much easier to talk to anonymous strangers than to my friends next door.

    I think I have fallen in love with a girl. This might be not a big surprise for you, but it is for me. Until recently, I never considered myself anything else than straight, but I guess that maight not be totally true. There is a girl that showed up in my life a few months ago, pretty much out of the blue and unlike her orginal plans, will not be leaving any time soon. Not that I really want her to leave again, but sometimes I think it would make things much easier and I could go back to my „normal“ life as it was before ... I know, not a very mature or realistic approach to the situation.

    I don‘t know where to start or what I‘m actually hoping to get out from telling you this. I guess I just need to get rid of a few things.

    We both live and work in a very small village up in the mountains. Not much here except a few farmers, two hotels, a bar, a small shop and post office, doctor, school and a ski resort. Although we don‘t directly work together, everything is so close that we see each other several times a day and since we get along really well and there aren‘t that many people here that are our age, we also spend a lot of our free time together - which was ok until recently, until this weird feelings started in my stomach.

    We both stayed here over the holidays. Me because I had to work, she because this is sort of home to her. We spent christmas eve together at her friends (who are also my best friends here – that‘s another reason why all of this is a bit complicated and I can‘t talk to anyone about it: I moved here little over a year ago for a job. Originally I only planned on staying for a year, but I really enjoyed the work and fell in love with this crazy place, so I‘m still here, but I don‘t have many close friends here. The couple I‘m closest with, they are her very best friends, they are like family to her and she is like family to them. She sort of grew up here, but now lives abroad. Because of a few things that happened in her life recently, she needed a time-out from „reality“ (as she calls it) and came back here, to stay with her friends for some while. Few weeks turned into two months and shortly before Christmas, they actually asked her to stay, because someone fell ill and likely will be off work for a while and she is the perfect replacement. That‘s why she is still here.

    After Christmas we spent almost every day together. When I had to work, she went skiing with her ski bum friends, when I was off work, I joined them. During the day, we were skiing, in the evening we cooked together, hang out, went to the bar – the things friends normally do. We had a lot of fun, some more serious talks as well, everything was easy and perfect and felt normal. I really enjoined spending all this time with her. It‘s easy, it‘s fun, if feels normal and natural. She makes me feel good and I feel comfortable around her. Just before New Year‘s eve, we had this really great day on the mountain, came back late in the afternoon, super tired, made some good food at my place and decided to watch a movie. We were laying on the couch, and she was her usual self, super relaxed, happy, and I also felt good, was happy, comfortable and everything - the kind of feeling when everthing feels right and in the right place and just as it should be. The movie wasn‘t that brilliant so she kept making silly comments and once I looked at her, she smile at me – she has this big, great, beautiful smile, with little laugh lines around her eyes - and suddenly this weird feeling in my stomach became very clear and real and I realise that I wanted to give her a kiss – when I realized that I froze. It took about a minute for that thought to sink in, but once it had made its way to my front lobe, I completely panicked. I jumped up from the couch, knocked over my cup of tea, headed straight for the door, realized that I was at my place and in my PJs... By then she had gotten up as well, slightly puzzled but taking care of the tea mess and eventually asked what just had happened. I stared at her for a second and heard myself saying that I forgot to call back a colleague about something super important (luckily, I do the kind of work where it is easy to make everything sound really important and use it as legitimate excuse to get out of any situation, 24/7), took my jacket and left (still in my PJs, but my work is 300m down the road from my place and it was 11pm and the street empty).

    I feel bad describing the situation like this, because I feel bad about being so shocked about my own feelings. I always considered my self an open-minded and tolerant person and never saw someone‘s sexual orientation as wrong or problematic. And while I sit here writing this, I don‘t think there is anything wrong about falling in love with such a great and beautiful human being like her. She is one of the greatest people I have ever met. There is nothing wrong with a girl falling in love with a girl, and there is nothing wrong with me falling for her – still here I‘m totally overwhelmed by thiese feelings. I feel like a lost, confused teenager again. Still in summer I thought that I had finally reached a point in my life where I had things figured out: finished my education, got a job – I don‘t know what I thought would come next, I guess a man, family, the usual thing – instead, there is a girl.

    I haven‘t seen her since the movie incident. That evening I waited in my office until I saw her leaving my place, walking across the main square back to her place. She left the next day to spend New Year‘s with friends and stayed with them for a few days. She texted me just before mid-night, the general happy new years things and asked if I was ok. I didn‘t replied. She came back Sunday evening, but I haven‘t seen her yet. Officially I‘m at work, but yes, I‘ve been hiding as well - I feel like I need a few more days (or weeks) to sort things out for myself, but I don‘t know where to start. At least it‘s out now. I guess that‘s a start?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Zuidam:

    You have described your surroundings so well, I could feel the quiet, snow blanketed emotions from your words. I don't have much to add, but this song came to mind. It is ok to say hi and be nice to her even if you are not going to do anything about it. Feeling things, no matter what will end up happening is the very essence of life itself, no need to hide and run away.

    Hey Jude
    The Beatles
    Hey Jude, don't make it bad
    Take a sad song and make it better
    Remember to let her into your heart
    Then you can start to make it better
    Hey Jude, don't be afraid
    You were made to go out and get her
    The minute you let her under your skin
    Then you begin to make it better
    And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
    Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
    For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
    By making his world a little colder
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
    Hey Jude, don't let me down
    You have found her, now go and get her
    Remember to let her into your heart
    Then you can start to make it better
    So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
    You're waiting for someone to perform with
    And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do
    The movement you need is on your shoulder
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah
    Hey Jude, don't make it bad
    Take a sad song and make it better
    Remember to let her under your skin
    Then you'll begin to make it
    Better better better better better better, oh
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude
    Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul Mccartney
    Hey Jude lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
     
    #2
  3. Zuidam

    Zuidam New Member

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    Thanks Greyling for your nice and wise words. Never underestimate the power of the Beatles!

    I like your analogy with the snow. To continue with it: the sun came back out and the snow has started to melt (;

    I hid for two more days. Work was on my side again, but this time for real. I had to stay out of town (village) - it was good to have this extra time for myself, because a few things became clear to me.

    One thing I was wondering about was, if I have those feelings for CC (let‘s call her that) because I‘m curious and this is all new to me. The thing is, I think I forgot to mention this - too preoccupied with myself - CC is gay, and she is completely open about it and out and everyone knows. Again, I‘m not proud of this, but she is the first gay person I really know. Everyone in my extended family is straight (at least to my knowledge), all my friends back home are straight. Of course I know of some people from high school or uni who came out as gay, but no one in my closer circle of friends. - But, after all the soul-searching, I think, that‘s not it. Of course I have a lot of questions, but as often in life, I trust the answers will come when they are needed. I really like her for who she is and what she is and my feelings for her have nothing to do with her being gay.

    When I was away I decided for myself to just wait and see what happens and let happen whatever is supposed to happen, and I felt ready to face whatever life has in store for me… but things came a bit different

    The first time my good intentions were put to the test, was right when I arrived back in our village, because I basically drove into CC. Not how I had envisioned our first encounter, but I had no option than to face her. She gave me her best smile and that was it. My heart made a little backflip and I thought „Damn, these feelings are so real!“ - Even though all of this is still very confusing and scary and will not go anywhere, for a millisecond really liking someone, being in love, is a nice feeling… CC, cool and smooth as always, raised an eyebrow, rolled her eyes (that‘s her thing) and just asked: „Hey you, where have you been hiding?“ and then hugged me. started to talk … All the way over to my office I talked about how stressfull the last few days were, how all that snow is a new experience for me and how glad I am that life is finally getting back to normal, until CC suddenly stopped me and said deadly serious: „Can we talk sometime? Are you free this evening?“ For a second I thought ,she knows‘. but when I asked what she wanted to talk about, she wouldn‘t say. I said yes to the evening plan, but it didn‘t happen because CC got held up on the phone.

    Yesterday, we went skiing together (and with some of her friends). Although I‘m constantly out of my comfort zone when I ski with them – of course they all ski way better than I do – it was a lot of fun. They are super patient with me and really look out for me, especially CC. When we were on our own on the double chair, I asked her again what she wanted to talk about, but she said again „ Not now, let‘s talk later.“ Then, after skiing, that‘s when things turned a bit weird, at least for me. We were at the lodge having a beer and CCs best buddy, let's call him ski patrol guy (because that's his job, but he was off work yesterday) showed up as well. They know each other from back when they were teenagers. I‘m sure they did a lot of stupid silly things together when they were young. These days, they ski together, drink beer together, and apparently, when they are tipsy, have a competition running who can make more girls smile… this is a whole new side of CC (and ski patrol guy). When we are on our own they are really nice and normal people... anyway, fact is, that they do get a lot of smiles, because they are both really attractive, handsome, cool people … and, I couldn‘t believe it, one of the girls (I have seen her before, I think she‘s an instructor) came over and started to talk to CC, like proper flirt talk. And CC was flirting back. I was sitting across them, trying to do small talk with ski patrol guy but really I was burning from the inside, thinking 'WTF is going on here?' Fortunately, it was getting dark and we had to get going soon. Thnak god ski instructor girl lives on the other side of the mountain, so she she didn't come with us !

    Oh dear, keeping cool is much harder than I expected. Only six more weeks.

    When we were back home, CC asked if could talk later in the evening – but I was in no mood for any talking, I needed to be on my own and process the day So, the talk hasn‘t happened yet. I still have no clue what it could be about. I dont think that she knows or suspects. Must be something else.
     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Whoa, that's quite a cliff hanger. I am at the edge of my seat! Hope it all goes well for you and thanks for letting us know how it's been for you. Take care. :)
     
    #4

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