Major confusion

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by JuneCarter, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. JuneCarter

    JuneCarter Member

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    Hello Everyone! I am the newbie today and I guess you have heard this many times before. But this is my story. Or rather the story of my confusion :).

    I have always considered myself a straight girl but at the same time I was always an ally. Out of curiosity I had been to prides and simply felt everyone is equal and has their right to love whoever they want to love. I only dated guys so far, my last relationship ended in 2011. Then I ended up watching a tv show and it was one of those silly ones that you don't really watch but when you see it's on you watch for a moment. And that happened to be that weird MTV Tila Tequila show. And there she was - Dani Campbell. And I felt she was so beautiful and attractive and at the same time I was so confused to feel like that. I kind of shrugged it off but it did not really go away. I was curious of what may lay behind all that and I got online and read some forums and even signed up at one where you could actually meet people. I even told my mom about it who was very understanding but always felt like I could not be into girls. I talked to some girls and met up with a few. On one I had a crush but she was still very much involved with a heart break of an ex girlfriend. I also think the fact that I had not really "come out" because I wasn't even really sure what it all was about and what I felt....had made her step back. I had a date with another girl and we did kiss and even if we were not really in love with each other - it did feel really nice.

    Then I went through a very dark patch in my life, both of my parents died of cancer within 2 years and I really struggled for a long time. I did not even think about trying to meet people or talk. I still liked men too but I wasn't really able to date. It was enough to just get out of bed each day and go to work somehow. I also thought with all the grief I carry with me no one would be interested in me anyways. So on a rainy Sunday afternoon I ended up looking for new shows that could interest me and I found a show that was not so new - the L-Word. And there it was again - the feeling. Kate Moennig is absolutely amazing and sexy. I was just blown away. I felt silly because crushing on a celebrity is silly. But I really loved her character along with Sarah Shahi's and every time they kissed I got a couple of butterflies in my stomach. It was beautiful to watch them be intimate. I am just really confused and I feel a little stupid for writing all this here. I know I like both men and women but when it comes to women, feminine women like myself do nothing for me. They are pretty and I can acknowledge that but that's it. But whenever there's a woman that is more masculine - even up to the point of a butch, my heart skips a beat. So yes major confusion here. Is that just a fantasy....or could I be bi? I am really not sure....maybe you guys could help be into the right director or give me some "wise" words?
     
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  2. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I am not sure I have wise but I can share my thoughts.

    I don't like seafood but I eat sushi. I like chicken but I don't like chicken wings. I like vegetarian food but I eat other stuff. Those contrasts make me who I am, confusions, contradictions, and all. Now I am hungry... We are complex people and that is normal. It is wonderful, in fact! What it would be like if everyone like exactly the same?

    As many would point, there is a spectrum, and I think that we are all a little bit of everything so calling ourselves "bi" or "gay" is limiting. As far as celebrity crushes, they got me through high school and college. I think I felt represented, I felt I could be one of the characters. Stories like the L-word made me feel normal, and like I was not alone.

    I would say, don't over think it too much, be patient with yourself.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    If your heart skips when you look at visibly queer, masculine-of-center women, that's a thing you should pay attention to. Personally, I think that boldly, obviously queer women - who mess with the binary and aren't interested in being attractive to men via our cultural beauty standards - are interestingly subversive and rebelliously themselves. It's hot.

    We're taught what it looks and feels like to be interested in men, socialized into straightness as children by movies and books. I thought that I was asexual because my crushes felt different and were directed towards friends; I assumed that all women felt that way about their close friends, and only with time realized that what I was experiencing was attraction that had never been named and rehearsed for me. We're also taught that girl-on-girl curiosity is a one time acceptable fantasy to act out (usually for the benefit of a boyfriend), as a way to explain and subsume the queer narrative.

    And you know you like women. You like being with women, kissing women, watching women kiss, and looking at (damn sexy, definitely queer) women. You might be bi, you might be pansexual, you might be queer, you might make up your own damn label - but there's nothing you have to prove or be sure about to join the club, no dues, no litmus step. But at the very least, acknowledged that your history and your interests are not run-of-the-mill straight girl curiosity, they're real and significant interest and exploration.

    It's enough. You're enough. Welcome.
     
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  4. JuneCarter

    JuneCarter Member

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    Thank you so much for your thoughts. Thats a good point. I think we always want to name things and put a label on it. But sometimes it needs time. Maybe there will never be one. But it feels good to not ignore it anymore.
    Ps- now I am hungry too....
     
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  5. JuneCarter

    JuneCarter Member

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    What a post. Thank you so much. I feel thats what I needed to hear.
    We are pretty much raised to fit in and be normal and not stand out. I remember a teacher in my village leaving her husband for her now wife. Everyone made such a big deal about it. I felt i had to make sure to fit in too. But the last time i had a crush it wasnt a man. And my heart does not skip when seeing straight couples kiss.
    I like the way you put it about queer masculine women and how that its rebellious in a way. Thats so true. Theres something incredibly hot about the confidence these women have.

    And you are right...i dont need a label because i know what I feel. It still scares me a little but it feels good just writing it down and saying it. And the feelings are there and real. And it feels damn good. Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you!!!
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad it helped you!

    A while back, I also wrote a post I'm pretty proud of for a newbie who was feeling scared. The situation was a little different than yours, but it's a thing that I think we don't say enough, to people who are struggling with owning this identity, that this is actually something pretty great even if it's hard. It's here if you're interested: http://forums.afterellen.com/threads/terrified.10299/#post-73295

    I feel like my queerness is a gift.... as is the ability to appreciate all those dapper dykes. For an exercise in enjoying MOC women, I follow some style blogs - dapperq, she's a gent, qwear. Appreciating that rebellion is affirming and fun.
     
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  7. JuneCarter

    JuneCarter Member

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    Thank you for sharing that post. I must admit you got a great way of writing. But the message got through to me. Its often that in life things can be scary but if you gather all your courage, it will be so worth it. Its nothing that can really be compared but both of my parents died, i felt very lost and alone. And that I could not carry on. But I took day at a time. Its still hard but I am proud of myself that i made it and never gave up. Being queer is not as tragic as losing family but probably not making it easy. But your post gave me a bit of confidence that its ok to be scared but even more so worth it. I should follow some blogs too, maybe see what instagram has to offer. Thank you again. I am so glad i found this forum here.
     
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