OK, so I year ago I went on holiday for a month with one of my two closest friends - let's call him N. We met at university 8 years ago and shared a flat for the first two years. We used stay up half the night and talk for ages about EVERYTHING but I never found myself attracted to him - it didn't even cross my mind. One of the first times that I met him, we went out for the day and when we hugged and said goodbye there was a split-second when I thought he was going to kiss me (neither of us was out at that point) but he didn't and maybe I imagined it! Anyway, the point is that we remained close friends after uni, thought we didn't get to see each other that often because we lived quite far apart, but we went on some holidays together, the last one being a 4-week trip to the USA, last year (we live in the UK). Almost immediately that we got settled into our trip, we both seemed to open up completely to each other and we were more honest and open with each other than we'd been before. Just over a week into the trip, we let down all our barriers and opened up our hearts to each other about everything. N has always described himself as bi, although he uses dating sites to look exclusively for men and has had loads of hook-ups with guys but has only ever had one girlfriend. When we were talking, N had recently got to know a guy who liked him a lot and N wasn't sure whether to go for it or not (when we got back, he decided to go for it and they've now been together for almost a year ). N also confessed to me that he was kind of a virgin, although he had had oral with (lots of) men and done other stuff, including with his gf. This really surprised me though and it surprised him to find out that I'd done more with my bf at school (most of what there is to do, I think) than I'd admitted to before! By the evening we'd had quite a lot to drink and managed to find a gay bar (almost all men) where we had some more to drink, before finding our way back to the apartment. At the bus stop we were leaning on each other (mostly to stay upright and not look too drunk) and N started to press against me more than necessary. Then, on the bus, he pressed right up against me and I started to do it back. We stayed really close to each other for the whole 20-30 min bus ride. Once we were back at the apartment, we were really relived that we'd managed to find our way back on the bus late at night after having so much to drink and I gave him a hug. By this time, all I could think was that I wanted him but I was kind of scared to do anything because I didn't want to wreck the friendship. I went in for a kiss though and pressed myself against him and, well, let's just say that I could feel that he was into it . So I just pushed him onto the bed and went for it. I was SO frustrated that he didn't have a condom (I had been kind of turned on by the thought of taking his virginity) but we managed to do enough stuff anyway and we kept going for at least two hours (turns out I still put myself at risk of pregnancy when I thought it was fine to do what we did, thanks to going to a catholic school with no teaching about contraception, and not needing to worry about it with girls! But luckily it was all fine!). And it was great. He really didn't know his way around my body (I tried to guide him but it didn't really work!) and he basically just lay there while I initiated it all but I found it really fun being dominant with a man and exploring a different body. He is also a pretty amazing kisser and we were both having fun and giggling and it was really nice to have sex with someone who you really click with and who gets you. I was really worried that things would be awkward between us afterwards but they haven't been at all awkward, which is kind of weird! I just feel like we have a much deeper connection now. Nothing else happened for the rest of the trip although I wanted it to - I tried to find ways of making physical contact but, although we did, nothing else happened, though we did come pretty close a couple of times. I really really like N's bf, A, and I couldn't be happier for them - they are really good together and I would be genuinely thrilled if they got married, which hopefully they'll do in the next year or two. The trouble is, I can't stop thinking about N! And since it happened I've been looking at men in a different way. I think it's because I've found that, whilst I don't want to be in a traditional straight relationship, I don't actually find men's bodies unattractive - I just don't like being the 'bottom' in the relationship. So now I'm thinking about being more open to dating / having sex with men, as long as I can be the top and the 'strong' one. Does anyone else feel the same? And is it actually possible to find a man who's attracted to women but who isn't stereotypically male in any other way? Has anyone done it?! Or has anyone else had the same sort of experience with a gay guy? I feel attracted to a guy at the moment who has had a gf in the past but who's not very masculine but he also seems quite traditional and I can't imagine him letting the girl take control... I think he's out of my league anyway but I don't know whether I should take the chance to be with him if I get it. Then again, he might have realised he's gay... Who knows?! So, that's my thoughts. I'm just so confused! Until last year, I would have said that I was 1000000% gay - and I'm so stereotypically gay too! The thing that's making it harder is that the guy I slept with is gay (well, mostly) and my best friend, so I don't know whether that really tells me anything about potential feelings for other guys. On the other hand, I REALLY enjoyed going down on him and I'm not even sure that straight girls enjoy that half the time! My other best friend (straight girl) was really shocked that anything happened between us but she said that maybe us both being gay kind of cancelled each other out and we were able to reverse traditional male/female roles, if that makes sense! And I think she could be right - maybe I'm only attracted to gay men?! (And lesbians, obviously). I don't suppose anyone else on here has similar feelings? So... Any thoughts? It's not that I'm scared of being bi, I just can't believe that I am! I'm 27... I thought I was supposed to have this all figured out by now!!