I slept with gay (male) best friend - Advice please! So confused!!!

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by kahicra, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. kahicra

    kahicra New Member

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    OK, so I year ago I went on holiday for a month with one of my two closest friends - let's call him N. We met at university 8 years ago and shared a flat for the first two years. We used stay up half the night and talk for ages about EVERYTHING but I never found myself attracted to him - it didn't even cross my mind. One of the first times that I met him, we went out for the day and when we hugged and said goodbye there was a split-second when I thought he was going to kiss me (neither of us was out at that point) but he didn't and maybe I imagined it!

    Anyway, the point is that we remained close friends after uni, thought we didn't get to see each other that often because we lived quite far apart, but we went on some holidays together, the last one being a 4-week trip to the USA, last year (we live in the UK). Almost immediately that we got settled into our trip, we both seemed to open up completely to each other and we were more honest and open with each other than we'd been before.

    Just over a week into the trip, we let down all our barriers and opened up our hearts to each other about everything. N has always described himself as bi, although he uses dating sites to look exclusively for men and has had loads of hook-ups with guys but has only ever had one girlfriend. When we were talking, N had recently got to know a guy who liked him a lot and N wasn't sure whether to go for it or not (when we got back, he decided to go for it and they've now been together for almost a year ). N also confessed to me that he was kind of a virgin, although he had had oral with (lots of) men and done other stuff, including with his gf. This really surprised me though and it surprised him to find out that I'd done more with my bf at school (most of what there is to do, I think) than I'd admitted to before!

    By the evening we'd had quite a lot to drink and managed to find a gay bar (almost all men) where we had some more to drink, before finding our way back to the apartment. At the bus stop we were leaning on each other (mostly to stay upright and not look too drunk) and N started to press against me more than necessary. Then, on the bus, he pressed right up against me and I started to do it back. We stayed really close to each other for the whole 20-30 min bus ride. Once we were back at the apartment, we were really relived that we'd managed to find our way back on the bus late at night after having so much to drink and I gave him a hug. By this time, all I could think was that I wanted him but I was kind of scared to do anything because I didn't want to wreck the friendship. I went in for a kiss though and pressed myself against him and, well, let's just say that I could feel that he was into it . So I just pushed him onto the bed and went for it. I was SO frustrated that he didn't have a condom (I had been kind of turned on by the thought of taking his virginity) but we managed to do enough stuff anyway and we kept going for at least two hours (turns out I still put myself at risk of pregnancy when I thought it was fine to do what we did, thanks to going to a catholic school with no teaching about contraception, and not needing to worry about it with girls! But luckily it was all fine!). And it was great. He really didn't know his way around my body (I tried to guide him but it didn't really work!) and he basically just lay there while I initiated it all but I found it really fun being dominant with a man and exploring a different body. He is also a pretty amazing kisser and we were both having fun and giggling and it was really nice to have sex with someone who you really click with and who gets you.

    I was really worried that things would be awkward between us afterwards but they haven't been at all awkward, which is kind of weird! I just feel like we have a much deeper connection now. Nothing else happened for the rest of the trip although I wanted it to - I tried to find ways of making physical contact but, although we did, nothing else happened, though we did come pretty close a couple of times.

    I really really like N's bf, A, and I couldn't be happier for them - they are really good together and I would be genuinely thrilled if they got married, which hopefully they'll do in the next year or two. The trouble is, I can't stop thinking about N!

    And since it happened I've been looking at men in a different way. I think it's because I've found that, whilst I don't want to be in a traditional straight relationship, I don't actually find men's bodies unattractive - I just don't like being the 'bottom' in the relationship. So now I'm thinking about being more open to dating / having sex with men, as long as I can be the top and the 'strong' one. Does anyone else feel the same? And is it actually possible to find a man who's attracted to women but who isn't stereotypically male in any other way? Has anyone done it?! Or has anyone else had the same sort of experience with a gay guy?

    I feel attracted to a guy at the moment who has had a gf in the past but who's not very masculine but he also seems quite traditional and I can't imagine him letting the girl take control... I think he's out of my league anyway but I don't know whether I should take the chance to be with him if I get it. Then again, he might have realised he's gay... Who knows?!

    So, that's my thoughts. I'm just so confused! Until last year, I would have said that I was 1000000% gay - and I'm so stereotypically gay too! The thing that's making it harder is that the guy I slept with is gay (well, mostly) and my best friend, so I don't know whether that really tells me anything about potential feelings for other guys.

    On the other hand, I REALLY enjoyed going down on him and I'm not even sure that straight girls enjoy that half the time!

    My other best friend (straight girl) was really shocked that anything happened between us but she said that maybe us both being gay kind of cancelled each other out and we were able to reverse traditional male/female roles, if that makes sense! And I think she could be right - maybe I'm only attracted to gay men?! (And lesbians, obviously). I don't suppose anyone else on here has similar feelings?

    So... Any thoughts? It's not that I'm scared of being bi, I just can't believe that I am! I'm 27... I thought I was supposed to have this all figured out by now!!
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Get tested for stds.

    Don't be scared to be bi. Easier said than done, I know.

    Don't have sex when you (or your partner) are super drunk.

    Sexuality happens on a continuum there is sexual attract, romantic attraction, etc... It is possible to feel sexual attraction without romantic, etc... One person's bisexuality may include being sexually into guys, but not wanting relationships with them. Another person might be a lesbian but occasionally have sex with guys when they are really bored and horny.

    It's not as easy (sadly) as fitting yourself into a neat little box bi, lesbian, straight. It's the messy task of sorting out- wtf just happened? Are you romantically attracted to your friend, or was this just a sexual thing. Do you want to explore being with men more, or keep it as a fantasy thing?

    And for Gods' sake, practice safe sex.
     
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  3. Anne120

    Anne120 Member

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    Sexuality is so much complicated. I have heard many scenarios like this. But, I have never seen a clear explanation. Just know that you are not alone.
     
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  4. kahicra

    kahicra New Member

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    Thanks - it's really good to know that other people have done it too!

    I guess you'd say I'm bi curious but probably only romantically attracted to girls. It's just that people usually seem to say that they're bi curious when they kind of like the idea of messing around with someone of the same sex, but they're actually basically straight - you don't hear about people being the other way round!

    But you're both right - I know sexuality is on a spectrum, I just always thought that mine was easy! Evidently not!

    And I feel a complete idiot not practising safe sex, which was due to the alcohol... Also not a great idea. But there is no excuse for not being safe! And, yes, I should get tested for stds... I just feel like such an idiot!

    Bluenote - I think you kind of summed it all up when you said "wtf just happened?!" - that is exactly what it felt/feels like!!

    It would still be good to hear from anyone else who has helpful advice or who has done something similar! But thanks for your help!
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    To me it is more about your boundaries than about how you define your sexuality, if that makes any sense.

    I consider myself a lesbian. That being said, I can appreciate that certain men are attractive and charming (think George Clooney kind of thing.) I don't have sex with people that I am not a least a little romantically attracted to (that's my boundary). However, if I did, I suppose hypothetically that I could enjoy banging George Clooney.

    In your case it sounds like you pretty well have your sexuality sorted out - romantically and sexually attracted to women, some sexual but not romantic attraction to men. If you are a ltr / marriage minded type, you will pretty definitely wind up with a woman.

    The only 'question' I see is how far you want to pursue your interest in men. Are you OK with banging for the sake of banging? Do you only want to be sexual with people in the context of a romantic relationship? Or are you somewhere in the middle?

    I have never slept with a guy, so I can't relate to your experiences. That being said, I think most of my queer female friends have slept with guys somewhere along the way. You are not a unicorn. I am not particularly surprised, shocked, or put off by your sexuality.
     
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  6. kahicra

    kahicra New Member

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    Thanks Bluenote - you basically summed it up for me. I hadn't thought about it in terms of boundaries but it makes a lot of sense. I think I am a lesbian in the sense that I can only imagine ending up with a woman long term. But maybe I'm slightly less fussy than others when it comes to who to sleep with outside of a relationship - basically, I'm open to having fun with a man, though probably only a guy with quite feminine personality traits. (Although I keep thinking about N, I can't imagine being in a relationship with him, even if he wanted to be).

    And the fact that I found it so great and that I've thought about it so much since is partly because it came as such a shock (and I still can't believe it happened) but also I suppose the fact that we know each other so well and are so comfortable with each other made the whole thing so much better. I know that N is still quite insecure about his sexuality (though he's much more confident now he's with A) and he used to feel quite stressed when meeting up with guys (he has found it really hard to accept his sexuality and he is also quite insecure about his body/looks), so he probably relaxed with me and that made me feel comfortable too.

    So, basically, I think I will consider my boundaries and maybe I will be a bit more fussy in future about who I sleep with - or at least I'll know to separate sex from romantic attraction. After all, I suppose sex can feel good with pretty much anyone, given the right circumstances!

    Thanks for helping me get my head sorted out! I would really like to say that I'll only sleep with people in future if I think there's at least a small chance that we could have a relationship but I know me, and if the opportunity to **** a guy turns up, I'm pretty sure I'll take it, now I know it can be fun... I'm not very good with self-restraint! But at least I'll know that it doesn't necessarily change anything fundamental about my sexuality - it's just because I'm not very fussy. And I already know that really!
     
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