I didn't choose her

Discussion in 'Non-Fiction' started by sofakingsweet, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    This is a true story of what has happened in my life in the past year. I would have like to have an outline and do this story right but right now I just need to let it out, so for now this will have to suffice and be a kind of diary. So if it's not in the best written form, please forgive me.

    We met sometime in the fall of 2013. I wasn't interested in her or anyone at this point. I was interested in a different type of relationship. Spiritual. So when I walked into this church, I wasn't expecting any of what I am about to share with you. She was expecting though. Her second child that is. Again, I had no interest in even being a friend. I wasn't seeking friends, I was seeking spiritual healing. Which was achieved for a while. In a few months I was where I wanted to be. Having a relationship with God that I hadn't found anywhere or with anyone. I was starting to let go of my old habits and some of my friends. So I began talking to some of the people around my age at church and wanting to get involved in music. I've played drums pretty much for half my life so of course I wanted to get involved and play. Turns out she plays drums too, and is actually good. How awesome, I thought. An actual good girl drummer. Still not interested though. She was very pretty but again she was very pregnant at the time I met her, oh and very married to the bass player. How could I possibly be into her? No way, never in a million years.
    Well, months went by and we exchanged numbers and became Facebook friends. We started chatting one night randomly. Getting to know each other, you know the usual when you meet someone. We talked about who knows what but before I knew it, it was 3am and it was as if we were only talking for an hour. It was the strangest thing, I thought, because I'm very antisocial/ introvert and don't talk to people for very long. So I was surprised we talked so long. I asked my sister if this is normal or if her and her friends talk this long, she says not always but it happens. So I thought nothing of it. But as weeks started to go by, we started talking much more often and much more frequently. And it was always at night past midnight and It never bothered me to lose sleep because I had such a good time talking to her. At the time I was working part time so I had a lot of time on my hands. Coincidentally, she lived a block away from me. One block! I could walk there no problem. She calls me one day and asks if I would like to go to the bank with her and run an errand. It caught me off guard a little bc who wants to do that and who asks someone if they want to join them to run boring errands? Nonetheless, I said yes cuz I was bored and I liked talking to her. So that became a habit. I would do errands with her. Go to the bank, go to target, go grocery shopping. Sometimes with her kids. Sometimes alone bc her younger sis would take care of them. Well anyway, I loved doing errands with her. We made each other laugh, and smile. The time flew by so fast when we were together. By this point, I knew I had a crush but there was no way no how I was ever going to act on these feelings. I mean they had to go away, it's just not possible to like someone who is totally unavailable. It'll pass... Or so I thought. We hung out a lot, talked a lot. There was flirting but not the obvious kind. It was mostly with the eyes and smirks. The smiles we gave each other. Subtle flirting. People at church noticed we started becoming really good friends. We dressed alike, we liked a lot of the same music. Both of our birthdays are in February. Mine in the beginning and hers at the end. Our friendship was blossoming. It was such a great time.
     
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  2. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    The texting continued, everyday, sometimes all day and all night. Except when her husband got home from work. She would text me back as soon as he fell asleep and txt me for the rest of the night. I knew it was serious when she told me she was taking a bath and I told her I would let her have alone time to relax, to which she responded it's ok you relax me. I knew from that moment on that there was something more here. That she too had fallen for me. Or perhaps she was bored I thought, and she just likes to flirt. My intentions were never to like this girl or to every do anything at all with her. It was just texting, we were just friends. To me it was all innocent.
    It started to become more clear to me that this friendship had something else behind it. One day we hung out the entire day and by hung out I mean do errands, but it was fun for me to be with her, doing the simplest of things. I never took those moments for granted, they were the happiest I had been in a long time. After she dropped me off, a few minutes later she texts me saying, "I miss you". I knew she let down some of her walls when she said that to me bc she's not one to say those things so soon to someone. I know I'm speaking of her as if I've known her for so long. By this point we've known each other about 3 mths but, I just knew her so well as if we've known each other for years. It's always been astounding to me how well we both know each other. Our antics, gestures, thoughts, a look. Everything.
     
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  3. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    Basically it went on like this for a few weeks. The flirting got more intense and we saw each other more often. Then one day she said she was busy and couldn't text me. I thought this was weird and thought something I had said might have bothered her, but I just said that it's fine. A few hours later she leaves me a long text saying that there's something she has to get off her chest. She really really likes me and she's not supposed to because she's married and she's never really liked a girl this much. We then talk about it and realize that we both feel the same way. We really like each other but there's nothing we can do about it. We're both crying on the phone because we both know that we have something special, but it was too late. We met at the wrong time. She's married with 2 kids whom she loves very much. Timing is everything. You can meet someone and have the best chemistry but if the timing is off, then it doesn't matter. And in my case this is exactly what was happening. We decided not to text anymore and to give each other some space. This was really hard though because we would still see each other at church. It was awkward and weird and I would just leave right after so we wouldn't have to talk. I missed her so much, everyday every night. My every thought revolved around her and everything reminded me of her. This only lasted for so long though. We couldn't stay apart from each other. And we met up one day to get coffee. We stopped at this park and were just sitting in her car. We both knew what we wanted to happen but neither of us like to be the first to make the move. So I slowly grabbed her hand and held it for a while. As soon as I touched her hand this jolt ran through my body and gave me chills. It was the first time we had ever held hands and even though its such a simple gesture, it felt amazing. It was the perfect fit. I then looked at her, leaned over and kissed her. We just kissed in her car and I lay in her arms for a while, just holding each other. Taking in the moment, gazing into each other's eyes. It was perfect being able to hold her in my arms, brush the hair off her face and kiss her. In that moment, nothing else mattered. The whole world stopped as we fell more in love with each other.
     
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  4. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    Interestingly enough, the preachings and teachings at church became extremely personal, to both of us. Regarding adultery. It seemed crazy that these things were being talked about at exactly this time in our lives but they were and I always felt like the biggest hypocrite, biggest liar, and just a jerk. I could just imagine what she was thinking too. I mean she had to come home to someone else and pretend that there wasn't someone else she'd rather be with. And you may be reading this, saying we are the biggest hypocrites but you know what, it's a hard life to live and we're not perfect. We were blinded and didn't have self control, but that's for another conversation. Despite these things though, our love was just too strong and we were in too deep. We kept seeing each other, we kept talking. I had never felt this kind of love and it sucked because of our situation. The one time I meet someone who is perfect for me, who gets me like no one else, who knows what I'm thinking without having to say anything. It was remarkable the way she knew me, the way we knew each other. Every time she looked at me it sent chills down my back and butterflies in my stomach. I didn't get tired of talking to her. In fact, I wanted to know more about her. And because she lived so close and I wasn't working much, she started coming over. The first time she came over I was so nervous, I never actually had a girl over in my room bc I was still living in my dad's house. Well, we were alone watching tv and I looked at her and kissed her. It was just like the first time, so wonderfully perfect. I still remember the shape of her lips and how perfectly they fit mine. And that's how it went on for a few weeks. She would come over and every time we would advance a little more, grabbing each other, cuddling. Oh cuddling was the best. We would try to watch a movie but just ended up making out and spooning. After a while, we started to undress each other and she took my shirt off. I've always hated my breasts and been very self conscious of them, but she loved them and well you can imagine what happened. I loved that she loved them haha and i loved hers too. It was a summer adventure, exploring each others lips, neck, back, legs, breasts. She loved the way I kissed her neck and the way my hands explored her curves. My hands just knew how to venture her body, they knew what turned her on. We had perfect chemistry and you wanna know something remarkable? Maybe it's just me but I always thought that this was pretty awesome, the lines on our hands, you know the creases in our palms, they were identical. I mean really identical. I've never known any two people to share that. I knew that she was the love of my life and I didn't care about the rules or what was right or wrong because with her it didn't matter. She was my everything.
     
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  5. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like you've really fallen in love with your friend and maybe she does love you back. While I found your story quite interesting, I'd have to ask though (no judgement here nor do I want to rain on your parade) but... Where do you think this is going? I noticed that for your last sentence you used past tense--- WAS your everything; does this mean it's over?

    I have been in a similar situation wherein I dated someone who was already committed--- in my case though, I knew and made it clear to her as well that I am not going to go after a happily ever after with her. I honestly don't encourage the same situation for others because only a few get out of it unscathed and can keep the relationship at a steady keel without asking for more. I managed because I do have commitment issues in the first place.
     
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  6. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    Yes it is over, recently actually. I wanted to write about it so I can get it out. At one point we both really thought about being together, but it was going to be far to messy. I will explain further what happens.
     
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  7. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    We went on like this for a few weeks and then it suddenly had to end. She was leaving the country with her family for 2 months and we both knew that this was the time to end things. That when she would come back we had to keep our distance. We poured our hearts out, told each other how much we meant to each other. She was the most beautiful soul Ive ever met and she will always be in my heart. Our last day together, we hung out like always and it was very emotional. It was a beautiful goodbye and I won't ever forget it. So that was the end, for the time being, and it was the hardest thing to do. We had to end the texting, end the hanging out, end this love affair.
    I had to keep busy to be distracted. I went out with friends, hiking, I tried looking for dates but no luck. And that's what sucked most about this. I am not good at talking to girls and asking them out. I'm just socially awkward and nervous and I don't know which ones are the gay ones. I seem to always hit on the straight girl with a boyfriend. The one time I don't even try, I hit it off with this amazing girl and we end up falling for each other. Hard. It just sucks and I don't know why or how it happened but it just did. I wouldn't choose a married woman, that's insane. I tried convincing myself that I didn't like her, I couldn't love a taken woman. But the heart wants what it wants and I didn't choose her.

    ...
     
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  8. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    So she came back from her long 2 month trip. We didn't speak much, just the occasional hey how are you, fine. We both kept our distance, trying not to get hurt more than we have been. But to me she seemed fine. As if she was over me. And I was still a miserable wreck. I still had to see her for our practices and pretend as if we were ok. How could she be so chill about it? Is she over me already? What the hell, why isn't she more upset? I wanted to be mad at her and I was, so I used that to fuel me with anger so I could use that anger to keep my distance even further. And it worked for like, a week or so. She then hits me up out of nowhere and I want to be strong and not text her back so I wait till the next day. We have small talk, boring. But then I tell her I'm not just fine, I'm miserable. That I think about her everyday and miss her. And to my surprise she tells me the same thing. She admitted she missed me and that some days are harder than others and wants to pick the phone up to call me saying how she feels. Apparently she's very good at hiding her emotions, while I wear mine on my sleeve. And so it starts up again. We talk and talk every night, and then we would meet up after work and see each other and kiss and hold hands and the intimacy begins again. But this time it feels stronger and more passionate. Because we both know that sooner rather than later this HAS to stop, eventually. So on and on I go being her secret lover...

    Until she tells me that shes moving, only about an hour away but I wouldn't see her anymore. I wouldn't see her smile or hear her laugh. Or give a her a look that only she knows what it means, or a look she gives me and I know what shes thinking. All of that, gone. It was really going to be over. And we were both kind of relieved. This was no way to live life, and we were in the wrong. It needs to come to an end. We need to end.
     
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