I care about my boyfriend v much but I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by dana-nichols, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. dana-nichols

    dana-nichols New Member

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    Hi, all.
    I am in a very delicate situation and I have been feeling awful for the last few weeks, I hope it can help me to tell my story and maybe get some advice.
    I am in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we get along very well. Approximately six months ago, by reading about LGBT+ issues on the internet, I realized I liked women. I mean, I always knew I had an attraction to women but never really questioned my sexuality because I dated a few men. So then, I identified to bisexual, since I was in a happy relationship with my boyfriend. I started to think about women a lot, and thinking to myself that I would never ever date a man again if my boyfriend and I came to break up because I realized I was not that into them compared to how I was feeling about women. I was feeling very frustrated because I wanted to see how it felt like to be with a girl but I never considered leaving my boyfriend because I read about bisexuals issues, and the credo was "what matters most is the person, not the gender". Somehow, I knew this credo was not satisfying me.
    We decided to move in together this summer because I could not bear my old flatmate anymore and he was also looking for an apartment in the same city, so moving in together was the cheapest choice.
    But a few weeks ago, when my boyfriend was not home, I was browsing youtube and discovered lesbian youtube channels, and that is where it hit me : I realized I was a lesbian. It felt incredibly good to realize it, so much better than bisexual, and this night I thought that sooner or later, I had to break up with my boyfriend because it was not who I am. I felt pretty good for the next days, but when he came back home, I started to feel awful because I like him very much. He is so nice with me and we get along on so many levels. He is both my boyfriend and my best friend which makes it very hard for me because there is no one else as close to me to whom I can talk about this with.
    Another problem is that my other close friends are also cis straight men, so I don't feel very good about telling them (fear to face their homophobia, incapacity to understand, etc.). When I identified as bisexual, it was frustrating to not tell anybody about it, but I thought that I did not have to since I am in a relationship. Now that I came out to myself as a lesbian, I feel like I need to tell my friends about it so they can advice me on what to do with my boyfriend.
    Now I have been feeling really awful for the past few weeks, not being able to concentrate on my work, not being able to sleep, I think about it all the time, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Living with my boyfriend makes it even harder because it breaks y hearts when he talks about buying furniture for our apartment. Also, it gets hard to have sex with him whereas it used to be really good before.

    I think I have to end this thread because it's already pretty long, I hope you have the patience to read it.

    Thanks !
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Okay.....let's put this in perspective.

    You moved in with your boyfriend because you "could not bear your old flatmate anymore" it was the "cheapest choice." You "like" him and his is your best friend. What you've NOT said at all is that you're in love with him.

    Sexual orientation aside, wouldn't you want someone to be with you because that person LOVES you? Wants to be with you? Sees a future with you? Your first obligation should be honesty to yourself, then honesty to him. He's probably planning a future and you're equivocating, so what you're doing right now is not being fair to him if you are not 100% completely into the relationship. Whether you're into men or whether you're a lesbian...this should be a truth for all relationships -- if you're not feeling the way you should be...if you're not over the moon about someone...then why be with that person at all? Yes, I get that people become comfortable...or even complacent...but if you have to question whether a relationship is the right one for you, it's probably not.

    What sucks is that he's your best friend...and if/when he finds out the truth you may lose that aspect too. If he is your best friend, that brings me back to the fact that he deserves complete honesty from you....

    You need to figure out who you are -- if you are a lesbian, then you need to recognize that you are not being fair to him. Nobody wants to be a consolation prize or to find out that they're in a relationship with someone who isn't into them. Been there and it sucks. You also need to come to terms with whether you're okay with being who you are...coming out is a different experience for everyone (it was pretty traumatic for me and I lost family relationships and friendships as a result). If you need to talk to someone, perhaps try seeking out the services of a counselor to help you navigate self-acceptance despite what your friends might think. Once you're comfortable with who you are you can then make appropriate decisions about the direction in which you want your life to go.

    Don't do anything rash...but be mindful that there are real emotions involved.
     
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  3. dana-nichols

    dana-nichols New Member

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    Thank you for giving such a thoughtful answer.
    You're right about me not mentioning that I love him. Truth is, I cannot tell if I am in love, because I'm unsure if I know what it means. I've actually never been able to tell for sure that I was in love with someone. So, I've been telling myself that maybe if I was with a woman, I wouldn't feel something stronger. Sometimes I feel like I'm fantasizing about lesbianism, like I imagine that I am going to be the happiest person in the world if I date a girl, but maybe it's not going to be so great. I'm definitely not over the moon about him because I think that the hardest part for me would be to lose him as a friend if/when I leave him. Maybe that is sufficient reason to end this relationship, but I fear that I might regret it.
    Anyway, you convinced me that I should see a counselor. There is free psychic counseling at the LGBT center of my town, so maybe I can check that out. I am 90% sure that I am going to come out to him and end this relationship some day, because, as you said, he deserves complete honesty from me, but I feel like I really need emotional support to do this.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You're doing the right thing. Rome wasn't built in a day and figuring out the person you're supposed to be won't happen overnight, either.

    Many of us here have been where you are, so feel free to post or PM us for advice and we'll try as best as we can to help you. Sometimes it takes a village :)

    Hang in there.
     
    #4
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