Her mother doesn't want us to hang out

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by zorudikku.kirua, Sep 1, 2017.

  1. zorudikku.kirua

    zorudikku.kirua New Member

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    So, me (female) and my gf are together for over six months. Her mother is a huge homophobe and for sure she doesn't know about our relationship. If she did, she'd kick her out of the house. Her father doesn't live with them and it's not an option for her to live with him.
    Her mother is kind of a psycho and she has moments when she's really kind and sweet, but then there are moments when she fights with my gf and degrades her and she's simply an awful parent, really. Earlier she used to say from time to time that me and her daughter were too close or that she (my gf) is being too clingy. She thinks that I'm 'normal' (a.k.a. straight) and my gf is chasing after me and constantly bugging me to hang out because she's a lesbian (she doesn't know this or has any reason to think this, it's her pure imagination). But eventually, after few hours she would calm down, give her back her phone, everything would be fine. I forgot to mention that she keeps punishing her for whatever (usually it's some made up reason) by taking her phone or forbidding her to use computer.
    So, the reason I'm writing this is that this time she is really pissed. She wants us not to hang out anymore, she wants to come to school and talk to our teacher so we don't sit together in classes, she basically wants us to not be friends anymore and she has z e r o reasons for that. They got in a huge fight, my gf's mother said some horrible thing about me (when she sees me she's all sweet and huggs me and is really polite and i never did ANYTHING wrong to her or her daughter or anyone around that she could hear of it) and she took her phone. My gf cried and is really upset obviously, she texted me this on her way to practice (she borrowed friend's phone). I would advise her to speak up her mind, to fight for herself, but she's really not in the situation for something like that. Her mother pays for her practices and also her other school (she plays guitar) and she could stop paying and make her stop going there and that would be horrible because that's what my gf's been dedicating her life to.
    I have no idea what to do or how to help her or us. I don't think her mom would listen to me if I tried talking to her and she would be mad at her for telling me this much about their private conversations. Please help..
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Ok, I don't know what country you live in. If your girlfriend is a minor, like younger than 18, and since you are 18 yourself, you might want to research on laws regarding statutory rape before raising any kind of questions with the mom. (I am not saying you did anything wrong, but you don't want a mom with problems coming after you on a technicality.) Even if there is no fear of that, I don't think you should talk to the mom at all for now.

    If this is in the US, and I don't know all the laws or state laws and don't take this as legal advice. So, if this is in the US and she is a minor, and she is depressed and have expressed any inclination to self harm, chances are, you could talk to a teacher and they will have to mandatory report this and it will have a chain reaction of home visits from child services. This may get them the help they need. The teacher needs to be a trusted person who's not gonna give you up. If talking to someone on the ground feels iffy to you, then talk to suicide hotlines yourself and see how you can help your friend. http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

    I know you are not asking anything on the above and she might be A-Okay despite everything and not even a minor. But the thing I want to raise is that you need to make sure you are ok first and then find ways to be supportive to her in case things get overwhelming for her.

    If this is a matter of months or a year before your gf can get out of there, then you will need to find ways of making your meetings only at school. She could maybe join a club afterschool and use that to meet up. Maybe there is some activity that her mom really approves of that both of you may join. If her mom is a bit flighty, this may just blow over after a while. You can assure your friend that this too shall pass and she will be an adult and can find ways to do the things she wants to do. You also may want to not leave an electronic trail of stuff that will get her into more trouble with her mom. Her mom could be monitoring all her texts. I am so sorry this is happening.. Please take care.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 1, 2017
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  3. RiverPlate

    RiverPlate Member

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    Hey I am so sorry you are going through all this instead of enjoying your love freely... I cannot give specific advice since I do not have much experience in those situations.
    So, here my opinion ( not advice!):
    1-- open confrontation doesn't seem a good idea, giving that from what you tell, her mother is not only the financial support but also the only relative actually available for her ( it doesn't seem her father plays an active role in her life, nor do you mention any Gran or other supportive relative around).
    You both cannot deal with all of this on your own. What about someone in your own family? A counsellor, teacher, etc, you trust? Some older gay acquaintance? An LGBT group?
    You need someone
    -older
    -experienced
    -open minded
    -caring
    -able to think objectively and offer sound advice
    You need help to deal with the situation without losing perspective, thinking objectively, and that's really difficult.

    2-Psychologic aid in any form is essential because your gf cannot endure all that you describe for a long time without emotional scarring; her mother of course should get it too, but in my job I frequently see that the person most needing that aid is the one that precisely rejects it.
    You probably won't have any chance to change the living circumstances as long as your gf lives with her mother and it's as essential to help her go through it, as it is to get a way out.

    I would not go for the confrontation, and would try to keep your relationship "under the radar" for a while- not because I like it but because it's the wisest at this particular moment. I would desperately look for someone experienced to counsel you both.
    I am sure you will get real advice from the experienced people here, but I could not help but telling you what it comes to my mind. I really hope you can find a way out of the mess...
     
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  4. Canuck8881

    Canuck8881 Well-Known Member

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    Wow! This sounds exactly like the kind of thing I went through over 20 years ago. I would like to tell you it ended well for us but she eventually broke up with me to make her mother happy and keep the financial support happening. She even married a man. I was heart broken because I had to watch it and try to maintain just a friendship. Now, many years later, she is divorced from that man, and has married a women. And oh yeah... her mother now accepts her as a lesbian. I think when we are young we are too afraid to stand up and say who we are especially if we cannot face taking care of ourselves if things go poorly for doing so. Maybe you do need to stay away from her right now until she can be honest with her mother. Because, if her mother finds out what is going on, you will always be the enemy. Good luck.
     
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