Help for a newbie

Discussion in 'Bisexuality' started by tuulikkijansson, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. tuulikkijansson

    tuulikkijansson New Member

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    Hi, I'm a cis girl, and I'm 17. I identified as straight for most of my life, although we live in a very open household and any other sexuality would've been perfectly fine. I've never kissed a boy or girl. I've always had crushes on boys, and flirted but when it came time to do anything I've always been extremely scared and ended it. I've also always become fixated on girls that I liked or admired, but I feel like what I always thought was envy was actually a crush. Now that I'm positive that I'm attracted to girls as well I do the same things that I did before with those girls that I wanted to be best friends with. This year has put me in a position where I just don't trust men at all, and find it hard to even have crushes on them. I can sort of fantasize about the ideal man, but lately even talking to them infuriates me. I don't know if what to identify as, or what to do at all. A big issue for me is my lack of experience with anyone regardless of sex. I'm at the age where I feel the pressure of having my 'first time', but I'm not very interested. The more I think about it the less comfortable I feel with the thought of having sex with a guy. I'm confused by that before this year, I had been thinking mainly about men, and hardly (not never) about women. Then when I dream of the future, even the near future, I can see myself with a guy, girl, or even alone. I really do believe that it's my trust issues that are making this so hard, but I didn't realize they could have such an impact on me... I'm so sorry for such a rant, this is something that I've been struggling with lately. I really hope this wasn't too confusing, thank you.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Hello and welcome to AE. I am really glad that you are here. Post as much as you need, or feel free to pm me.

    What you are saying makes a lot of sense to me and wasn't really a rant.

    Let's start at the beginning. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I understand how trust issues can make coming to terms with ones' own sexuality much more complicated. And when I say sexuality, I don't just mean orientation like 'straight, bi or gay.' I also mean other elements of sexuality, like what we feel comfortable with, what we enjoy, what are our turn ons and fantasies and on and on.

    I don't know what is causing your trust issues. But I do care that you are safe. If it is an ongoing issue - like you are being harassed, forced to do things you don't want or pressured by a boy or boys, please get help. I know as a teen it is tempting to try and solve everything yourself. But if what you are going through rises to being threatened or hurt by someone - don't try to go through that all alone. (If I were being sexually harassed / pressured I would get help and I am a confident adult). Reach out and get help from family, a trusted teacher, leader at your church, therapist, teen support group - you get the idea. You usually don't have to get people in trouble or press charges to get help for yourself.

    If your issues are more vauge like 'all guys are gross and just want to have sex,' well, it is hard to disagree with you. Guys your age are not very mature. I don't know where you live, but where I live there is a double standard where guys are celebrated for using women for sex, but girls are shunned for having sex. Some guys just tell dumb jokes and go along with the crowd. But other guys really do things that are morally sketchy / criminal.

    If your gut is telling you that a guy - or a whole bunch of guys are disgusting, unsafe people - then listen to your gut and stay away from them.

    However, it does get better. SOME guys do actually mature. Some of them are actually capable of falling deeply in love and treating women with respect. Plus, getting away from high school can help break the pack mentality. I am not saying college guys are all amazing - I am just saying some guys I knew who were immature shits at 19 matured into awesome bf / husbands in their later 20s. But the guys who were junior sex offenders as teens will likely still be bad news as 20 somethings.

    Next, you don't have to have sex with anyone - or any kind of sexual experience to know your sexual orientation. And there is no deadline - you are under no obligation to have sex on some certain time schedule. Sex - all sexual activity - at a minimum should be between two people over the age of consent, who trust each other, are honest with each other and respect each other.

    Of course, if it is right for you, it is perfectly fine to set the bar higher. For example, only wanting to be sexual with someone you love, or with someone in a committed relationship.

    It is not some failing on your part that you are surrounded by people who frankly, don't sound like they deserve to be in the same room as you, let alone have sex with you. Better to have your v card than sleep with some sleezy asshole.

    It may seem like people all around you are having casual sex. But the truth is - a bunch of people bragging about their sexploits are actually lying, trying to look cool. Other people are having sex because they feel pressured, or are afraid to lose a bf / gf. And people who aren't having sex usually don't talk about that. So no, not 'everyone is doing it.'

    You don't have to have sex with anyone to know your sexual orientation. Sexuality is about more than just sex. It is also about romantic and emotional attraction. You can know that you form romantic and emotional attachments to people without every being sexual with them in any way. And you can explore your sexual desires without a partner. Things like fantasies, thinking about what kind of guy / girl you find attractive, watching movies or tv (and no, I don't mean porn), reading romantic books - are all ways to explore your sexuality. They give you a sense of your wants and desires, which is a big piece of the puzzle.

    You also don't have to know all the answers right now. Sexuality occurs on a spectrum and it can take awhile to figure out where you fit on the spectrum. It can take awhile to sort out - 'ok, I am emotionally and sexually attracted to women, but only sexually attracted to men' - or whatever. It is ok if you label yourself 'bi' or 'queer' today, but a year or two down the road realize you are a lesbian or heterosexual.

    Take good care of yourself.
     
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  3. tuulikkijansson

    tuulikkijansson New Member

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    Thank you so so much. My trust issues are the results of many factors, my biological father was abusive and abandoned my mother and I, my grandfather was abusive to my mother, and what has really affected me this year was that I found out that my stepfather used watch me undress, or while I was sleeping if I was in my underwear or anything more revealing... I hardly feel okay alone in a room with a man now, let alone be in a relationship with one. I find that it's less that I want to be having sex than wanting to share that level of intimacy with someone, after never having it. Thank you so much again
     
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  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    @tuulikkijansson - Hello and Welcome to AE! We are glad you are here!

    First, let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling trust issues with men because of abuse and abandonment within your family. I know that so many people here may be able to relate to what you are saying and we appreciate that you are willing to share your experiences here, which hopefully will be helpful to you and may benefit others as well.

    I wanted to check in with you about your current safety. You said your stepfather "used to" watch you, does that mean he still lives with you but stopped or do you not reside with him anymore? Do you still have contact with him, and if yes, what is in place to assure your safety? Have you told anyone who can help to make sure you are protected? (Like your Mom, a counselor, a teacher, an aunt or family friend???). Just want to be sure you are not at risk currently? If you are at risk, let's talk about what to do to get you safe now.

    Since you have found out about all of this just within the past year, in addition to your earlier family history, it makes sense to me that you would have some trust issues kicking up, along with some anger, sadness, feelings of betrayal and lots of confusion, just to name a few of the many emotions you might be experiencing.

    Have you considered asking your Mom to find a good therapist you would be comfortable talking to about your concerns? It may take some time to work through some of this and it might be good to have your own person to talk to on a regular basis, about whatever pops up for you.

    I think it shows a great deal of maturity that you are thinking about your concerns and how they may be impacting your comfort with physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy. Take your time to think on it and to heal from what you have been through, and don't let other peers pressure you into thinking you should be having sexual experiences by now. It is ok to wait. it is healthy to take the time to build trust, to build friendship, and to really be comfortable and sure of yourself and the other person. There is nothing wrong with wanting the intimacy without the sex. Give yourself this gift of time.

    In adulthood, it is rare that someone would say she wishes she would have lost her virginity sooner....BUT you would not believe how many would say they wished they had waited longer and not given in to pressure, or trusted themselves to say no to something they were not really ready for...
    You have all of your life to figure out your sexuality, how you identify or don't, what you like or don't, who you like or don't. Let it be a fun, unfolding journey that you are in charge of, that you are comfortable with, and that you enjoy discovering. Not a sprint to see who can lose their virginity first or who has done what or who...

    You have time. And adding sexual relationships now, while you are still sorting through everything that has happened, can make you feel more confused and can be overwhelming. Especially if the decision to do so is made under any kind of pressure.

    Please check in here as needed. There are some helpful and caring people here who can provide support and encouragement.
     
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  5. tuulikkijansson

    tuulikkijansson New Member

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    My mother and stepfather broke up after she found out, but in January they got back together. I found out in June and she swears that he no longer does this, but I still don't live with them anymore. Aside from that, I've spoken to CPS about this and much more several times with nothing happening... the system is very much flawed. I've been speaking to a therapist for about 5 years now, so that's all covered. I appreciate your concern very much. This whole situation hasn't been taken as seriously as I thought that it should be, so it's nice to get some validation that I'm not crazy and overreacting. I'm turning 18 and graduating still, but I worry because I have a younger brother who I mostly take care of that will have to move back in with them. I've told all of the people I can, but there's not been any action since it happened so far in the past. I understand that, but my brother has made accusations towards my stepdad recently. My grandparents and I have called someone about it every time without any results, it's very upsetting
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The most urgent thing you will have to deal with is the safety of you and your brother. I cannot tell from what you have posted if you would have to move back with him to your parents'. My first thought is to get legal aid because CPS is not listening to you. My 2nd thought is to have him talk to a trusted teacher. I had a kid do that once and it was very effective coming from the school since it is mandatory reporting for them. I suppose you probably have gone down the route of the school. If he is just old enough maybe you can explore other avenues of getting him placed away from your mom and stepshitheel.

    As for getting to know what you want, college is a much better place to explore in my opinion. Let your rebellious bones steer you away from the pressures of having that first. Big hugs to you, you brave and smart older sister you!

    Almost forgot... https://www.facebook.com/notes/drea...cps-wont-help-an-abused-child/953279954722057

    Found this fb page, you don't need an account on fb to read the advice there. Also, please document everything, time, date, every detail that happened as much as you can remember. The documentation will help your case. It can be painful but for me it can also be cleansing.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 13, 2016
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I have been mulling all day how to answer your post(s).

    You see, I want to be honest, but not too depressing and discouraging. If I blow smoke and rainbows and glitter at you - well, you need more than sunshine and a pep talk. But if I focus to much on the crap and the negative - I mean, what the heck does that give you? So here it is -

    It gets better, it really, really does.

    The truth is, it really sucks to be under 18. (I am assuming you are in the US, because you said 'CPS'). There is this totally weird double standard about how families can treat their kids. And there is this totally weird double standard about how we treat crimes against kids. So yes, you are really getting treated unfairly. By your mom. By CPS. By the legal system as a whole. And by your Stepdad.

    But once you turn 18, you don't have to put up with the double standard anymore. Legally, you will have the power and standing to just get the hell away and not have to put up with any kind of abuse / manipultiong / bs from your family. When I turned 18, I left home (for college) and never went back. Other people I know who grew up in abusive situations left home at 18, but maintained contact with their family how / if they wanted.

    It is weird as shit that your life changes so much from when you are 17 years and 364 days old to 18 years and 0 days old.

    Now, you mentioned validation. And I can give you validation in spades. It sucks that your grandfather was abusive towards your mother. I assume that had some impact on her. It might explain why she keeps picking lousy men. Not everyone who is abused goes on to marry abusive / shitty people, but some do. (I am married and my wife is in no way abusive). Seems like your mom might be one of those who does, sadly. It sucks that your bio-dad walked out on his family. He's an asshole. Not all men are assholes (and some even love being fathers) but, unfortunately, you got stuck with an asshole dad. However you feel about him - angry, sad, indifferent, way over it- is totally valid.

    Now, your stepdad. As far as I am concerned, he doesn't have the right to be called '-dad.' Dads don't go around creeping on their own kids / step kids. Personally, I think he should be called That Piece of Shit (TPOS), because that is what he is. A selfish person who betrayed and exploited you to get his kicks. Really gross, actually.

    Back to what I said about double standards. If some random guy was spying on you changing - he would probably go to jail and have to register as a sex offender. If some random guy was creeping on you like that, your mom, the schools, the courts, whatever, would be working hard to keep him away from you. But because he is your 'stepdad,' he gets a pass and you and your brother are the ones who have to move out. WTF?

    And why do we make random guys who creep on underage girls go to jail and go on sex offender lists? Duh, because sex crimes hurt the victims. This is not an abstract moral construct - it is real and measurable harm. Girls and Boys, teens and kids who have been spied on in this way suffer real emotional harm. Feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame, fear, depression, confusion about their bodies, anger, numbness, difficulties with relationships and sex, etc... are all common. The truth is, it is a betrayal. It takes something that is wonderful - our bodies - and degrades them into this cheap peep show object. And it is a form of being forced or tricked into being in a sexual situation without our consent. Of course that is going to leave someone feeling really shitty.

    And, like you have said, it leaves you wondering if all men are like TPOS. (They aren't, but I am not here today to defend men).

    Then add onto it your mom getting back together with TPOS. That sends a big message like 'oh, this wasn't a big deal.' Look - it was a really big deal. Here are some links to news stories of men being arrested for - peeping on teens or women who were undressing.

    http://q13fox.com/2016/01/12/former-coach-charged-with-voyeurism-for-watching-girls-in-locker-room/

    http://www.wyff4.com/article/man-ac...-tanning-bed-charged-with-peeping-tom/7022225

    I definitely get how this makes coming to terms with your own sexuality hard.

    It gets better, it really, really does.

    You see, feelings, no matter how intense they are, do not last forever. The truth is, the more you face your emotions, the more you get them out. The more you bottle them up, the more they stay stuck. Think of it like a wave. If you try to hold it back - it will just be there pushing against you forever. But if you ride it out, it will just pass through you and disappear.

    So if you just keep facing your experiences, the guilt and the fear and the shit and whatever else will end. Whatever helps you - talking to a therapist, hitting a punching bag, writing poetry, playing a musical instrument, journaling - then do that. Just keep doing that and there will be a day when you don't feel so conflicted, so many negative emotions about sex / men / etc...

    Hang in there and post as much as you need.
     
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  8. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    @tuulikkijansson - I am incredibly impressed that you have been so strong about standing your ground and advocating for you brother, especially at your young age! No, you are not crazy, and no you are not overreacting! I'm glad that you are no longer in that situation, but I'm sorry that you went through it and that your mother has opted to return to that awful person. You have modeled to your brother that you care and that you believe him. He knows that he can trust you for advice if things are bad for him...it sounds like you are a great sister. I'm glad you have a therapist too, and hope she is helpful. If not, find a better one. They are out there!
    Keep coming back here if you need more support.
     
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  9. tuulikkijansson

    tuulikkijansson New Member

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    I would just like to say, to all of you, thank you very much. It's extremely helpful to have a community of strangers offer so much help. I'll actually be 18 in just under two weeks now, so there is lots of hope. Thankfully my mom has basically allowed me and my grandparents to have and take care of my brother full time. My brother is very honest and an open book so I have no worries that he'd tell a teacher if there was an incident, and if not we always listen to him. At this point I think the only way would be to get my mom to surrender him, or leave tpos (haha). Obviously the second option would be more ideal. I think for right now though we just have to look out for him
     
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