Hang out with friend I'm attracted to?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by silliputty23, May 16, 2017.

  1. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Active Member

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    I posted this long thread a while back. You don't have to go through it all (3 pages I believe) to get an idea of the relationship...I believe most here read it anyway.

    http://forums.afterellen.com/thread...er-into-me-at-all-seems-to-be-flirting.10085/

    We're still friends at work. She hasn't been saying anything really sexual and has actually mentioned a couple times finding me a man. She probably realizes she still loves her man or maybe considered that I might be into women and that she shouldn't go so far (haven't told her I'm bi though wouldn't have trouble with her knowing)...I notice that she is very touchy with other female friends as well. She'll call friends, and me, babe/baby etc and just seems very comfortable with her sexuality though I've never asked if she's actually attracted to women. She'll slap your ass, etc.

    Anyways, she's been wanting to hang out. I went out with several others and her recently but it was only about an hour and she and I didn't spend a lot of it together. She's told me that her man has a boat and a couple jet skis and she's asked a few different times when I'm gonna go out with them on the lake. I imagine when she says "them" she's referring to her boyfriend and their daughter....Her man has come in a couple times and I try to avoid going near them. It's awkward to me. I am attracted to her. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not feeling lovesick or romantic as I have in the past with others...A friend texted me recently that this girl "just LOVES" me and another time said she "likes me A LOT" (both times in caps). It makes my day hearing this about this girl. As a result, I began thinking about her a lot yesterday. I like when she touches me. I want to be around her and do want to hang out with her. But I don't want to join in on a family day with her man and her daughter. It would certainly just feel awkward to me. Our dialogue has always been joking or flirting....that would have to change in this setting.This started with me once asking if it's possible to rent boats in her area for the day (she lives near the water) so I can't say I'm suddenly not interested in boating....I don't want to be introduced to her man, don't want to have to talk to him and don't really want to see them cuddling and kissing as the sun sets over the water on us all. I've thought to come up with some other activity with a couple others from work...but regardless, if I want to be friends with her, can't keep hiding from her family...

    I know this wasn't a clear question. I'm just a bit confused myself. Just need advice about this relationship.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It's not a relationship. She has a bf and a kid. Have some self control, don't be a home wrecker and stay away.

    Seriously, listen to your post. You are trying to figure out how to get her bf out of the picture (if only for a few hours)? That is really wrong and quite frankly, very selfish.

    Are you thinking at all about the possible consequences for this innocent kid? She deserves to have two parents who can raise her (or coparent her) together. She doesn't deserve to get stuck in some infidelity, parents hate each other drama.

    Hurting other people- especially innocent kids- to get what you want is selfish and immoral. Don't do it.
     
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  3. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Active Member

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    So.... you think I should refuse to hang out? Even with other friends present? I didn't see an answer in your post.

    Never said I was going to put a move on her by the way.

    Lastly, any interaction between two people is a relationship. Friendship = relationship.
     
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    Last edited: May 17, 2017
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I think you should not hang out with her.

    You are infatuated with her and are trying to figure out how to be around her without her bf. Giant red flag and not cool. If you just wanted to hang out with her innocently, you would be cool with having the bf around.

    Yes, I have had crushes on partnered friends. You can't control who you crush on, but you can control how you act (or don't act) on it. No, I never tried to hang out with them and exclude the partner. In fact, I tried to hang out with them as a couple, because it is a big reality check and crush killer. Yes, the crushes faded and I am glad I wasn't a home wrecker.

    Yes, I once had a crush on a partnered friend and she made a pass at me. I turned her down, even though I was pretty drunk. I have a lot of faults as a person, but I am not going to screw up someone's marriage and mess things up for their kids just so I can get some.

    Now, back to you. She has a kid with this dude. You don't want to see her with him or the three of them together because- you want to pretend like they don't exist. But they do exist. And if you start trying to sneakily see her without the bf around, you will have an impact on her, on him, on their relationship and on their kid.

    So don't hang out with her outside of work. Let it go.

    I am not going to quibble with you about the definition of 'relationship.'
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Your motives for the so-called "friendship" are selfish because you're hanging onto words like "She likes you A LOT" (your words in your original post. You say "...It makes my day hearing this about this girl. As a result, I began thinking about her a lot yesterday. I like when she touches me. I want to be around her and do want to hang out with her..."

    I enjoy my friendships -- but whether you want to admit it or not, you have something ulterior going on because you're already way past wanting a normal, healthy friendship with this woman. The boyfriend and kid wouldn't get in the way of a normal friendship. Whether you'd ever act on it is another question -- and right now, at least, it doesn't seem that you would -- but your attraction to her is getting in the way of thinking rationally.

    IIRC, she played the push/pull, hot/cold game with you in the past at work -- I think she knows you like her and enjoys the attention. Does this amount to anything more than an ego stroke? I highly doubt it.

    What's your end game here? If it's a friendship, then put your attraction aside and be her friend...which means respecting and accepting the boyfriend and kid. If you're hoping something happens beyond that, prepare yourself for a whole world of nasty drama -- potentially wrecking a relationship. Think about it...do you really want to be one on one with her, hopefully sneaking around behind her kid and boyfriend's back? Developing feelings that can't be reciprocated? Putting her in a difficult position in her own relationship and potentially at work? Do you want to be the reason for a breakup?

    This won't end well for all involved if you can't set boundaries. Hang out with her as friends -- with other people even...but draw the line there. Get rid of any other thoughts.
     
    #5
    Last edited: May 17, 2017
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  6. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Active Member

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    "put your attraction aside" How?

    In the past, I didn't like her as much or really notice her. So I honestly wasn't giving her attention. But she started being flirty and saying things and I liked it...Maybe she noticed and that's when she decided to stop and to start acting like more of a friend.

    To the boating situation which she's probably planning soon...a simple "No I don't want to go boating"?
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You readjust your perspective -- i.e. you don't think of anything beyond friendship. You stop being flirty until you can separate being flirty from something more real. I flirt with some friends...we all know the boundaries...but to be her friend you can't take bits and parts of her life -- you've gotta acknowledge the kid and boyfriend.

    The point is - you're seemingly invested beyond typical friendship and that's something you have to figure out a way to address. Whether you can be around her without having feelings...I don't know...but don't encourage anything differently than what she does with other friends.

    To the boating comment...if it feels awkward or not right, then don't do it. If a bunch of other people are going...it doesn't have to be a big deal to go along and hang with everyone else too. I don't have a magic 8 ball but you know yourself..you know what you can handle and what you can't.
     
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