Gender identity crisis

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Brittany565, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    Ok so I am a biological female who is lesbian. When my mom was pregnant the ultrasound said I was a boy but when she delivered me, it tuened out I was a girl! (Old technology) I have 5 brothers so I have always been more boyish etc. I don't dress that tom boy, more femme/sometimes adrogonous. But here's my crisis: I have always felt like I should have a dick. I have major penis envy and I wish I did not. I absolutely love my feminine features (breasts, bum, vagina) BUT I have also always felt as if I should also have a penis?
    So I have always tended to fall for straight girls and they have always ended up attracted to me which is problematic. Except funny thing is, the woman I have been with for a year now only used to date men until she met me. We both fell madly in love and she doesn't like labels but she would call herself bisexual. So because I have gender issues, I get stupid thoughts in my head that she wishes I had a penis. Even though she has told me she loves me for me(a female) loves my vagina and actually wouldnt like if I had a penis because then it wouldn't be me.

    I have always had this issue of feeling like I should have a penis but I think it has got worse. My girlfriend loves to give me oral but for some reason I can't cum from it because I get off to the thought of her sucking me off? Yes I do have a strap on so Ive thought about getting her to suck the strap but she said she doesnt like that because she wants to taste me and loves my vagina. We have amazing sex nonetheless and I love everything about it.

    The main issues for me is that I scare myself in the sense that we'll be watching a movie where it shows a guys penis and I'll immediately get mad and have rage in my head because I'm jealous.

    What do you guys think? You see I've thought about transitioning but I never would actually want to because I love all my other features it's just that I have major penis envy?
     
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  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    That kind of sounds like Freud's statement about how "girls envy boys for having a penis since they don't"( continuing-girls them either become lesbians and play the man or keep on trying many boys). Some modern studies suggest that this is , in fact, bullshit.

    As for you-I am no qualified to give advice as I am a cis female but perhaps you may be wondering what it'd be like if you were a guy. That's common-I can assure you that many women have wondered, some even behave like men in bed (asking their girl to suck on etc). But you said it yourself-you don't dress like a boy for the most part.
    The girls you claim to have been straight-straight is straight, the ones we end up "turning lesbian, bi or whatever" have actually had it in them so we were the ones t unlock Pandora's box, in a sense.

    I personally think it's curiousity in this case, to sum it up.
     
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  3. mysterious girl

    mysterious girl Active Member

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    Alright this is very interesting. Prenatal ultrasounds, specially back in the days did not come with 100% accuracy, even now in some countries, we do have an idea of the gender, but it is always advisable to be cautious with words when announcing the sex of the baby as there can be misinterpretation of the ultrasound itself. The way I was taught which I found handy, was the girl's looks like a burger shape and the boy's looks like a turtle...if that makes any sense..so it is sometimes unclear or misread..depending on the quality of the ultrasound (2-D mostly).
    Gender dysphoria is a not that of a researched topic in psychiatry because most of the people keep it a secret or turn to homosexuality to 'satisfy' their needs. It is interesting to read about and I am sure you have gone over the topic, it is not my area of expertise but what I can say for sure, you do not come with all the presentations of GID.
    A person with GID would not love her own body, would probably be depressed about it. Always try to cover up, or would not like to have pictures taken etc. They would simply not cherish their bodies, while you definitely love your feminine side.
    It is not only the physical aspect but people with GID also manifest the mental attitudes..or come close to it by behaving as the opposite sex as much as possible. In saying that a person with GID does not like her genitals/ body, many of these people would not 'take care of it'...for example, make up, exercises..but it is not always the case.
    From what you wrote above you do not come out to me as a typical GID. If you read through the updated DSM 5 that The American Psychiatric Association defined for GID, you will get a better idea.
    For that you have to understand the causes...most of which tends to be psychological...and also hormonal.
    I am no psychologist, but things I can pin point to would be having dominant male role models in your early life, could be the fact that you have 5 brothers maybe, or having had to take responsibility at a very young age, were made to do boyish task in a young age. Of course, these are only presumptions, I do know you personally. Maybe it will be a good idea to think exactly when you started feeling that way.."But here's my crisis: I have always felt like I should have..." is very broad. That is if you want to understand it, make a timeline of what was happening in your life then...something might have triggered it.
    Or if not, it could be just hormonal. Best judge will be yourself- do you have masculine facial traits? hairy? small breasts etc? maybe pheromones-->The fact that you said straight girls are usually attracted to you is very intriguing.
    Well and then if you want to know for sure, just get your hormone levels check by your local GP which I doubt will be out of normal range. GID is mostly a clinical diagnosis.
    The fact that you said you do not reach an orgasm is what strikes me the most...so think about that too, if you have experienced any with male/female at all. Sometimes maybe you constantly have the male genitalia in the back of your head, maybe you are not opening yourself enough and letting go completely during coitus with your girlfriend. Or you can only obtain physical satisfaction in knowing that you want coitus as being a male and doing it with a female, which I fear is complicated case.
    Again, I am not expert on the matter, but maybe trying to find the cause of it will make you understand better. Be wary-sometimes you may not find it and it is just who you are...do not worry. Do keep in mind that gender reassignment surgery- female to male is more complicated than male-female, be very decisive before taking it. Therapy is almost always a must before the actual surgery so you could try that too.
    Hope I have been helpful. Best of luck.
     
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  4. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    I appreciate it! It started at a very early age even my mom says I would never wanna wear a dress and that I wanted her to cut my hair like a male model's. I was always trying to be the "sixth" brother in my family so I think that's where it all started. I think it's just I wanted to fit in with them when I was young. Honestly I have no idea but in my world I am two genders. I think I am slowly getting more comfortable with my own genitals but it just sucks that I get those jealous thoughts when I see a guy that is very masculine etc and I get mad because I started wishing I was him/looked like him etc.
     
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  5. mysterious girl

    mysterious girl Active Member

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    well you cannot erase how you felt for your whole life in days. Slowly work through it and I am sure you will find a solution. Hope everything goes well for you
     
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  6. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Brittany565 -
    Thank you for sharing here with AE. I think this is a topic that more people struggle with than we know, but that most do not have a safe place to talk about it. I believe that gender identity is pretty complex for some. The more we can grow to understand this the better, safer, and more compassionate the world will be.
    It sounds like it is worth considering some therapy in order to figure out what to do with this anger/range that fills your head, so that it doesn't get acted out as jealousy/worry toward your girlfriend who has given you no reason to believe that she would rather be with a man.
    The fact that you like your own body mostly (breasts, vagina, bum ;)) and have considered transitioning but do not feel it is for you could mean that, in a sense, you are "two genders" as you stated above. There are several terms that people use: non-binary, gender variant, gender fluid,....Or they may chose to not label themselves at all, or even publicly identify as one gender (i.e. lesbian), but understand themselves to be somewhere on a continuum in how they identify. Wearing one's hair short, not wearing dresses, liking one's more masculine side, and even envying the convenience and practicality of a penis for peeing or f*#<ing is not all that worrisome...and certainly makes sense. The concern is the anger/rage and the lack of self-acceptance. That part needs some of your attention because you want to figure it out and make peace with it one way or another.

    There are LOTS of awesome women who don't really identify with what are stereotypically feminine traits and who have always felt like they don't exactly fit in as "females." Some may go on to discover that they are transgender, while others through self-exploration, may find that they are at peace with being different but just as much of a woman as any other female. The key is learning enough about yourself to find out what is going to bring you self-acceptance.

    Regarding the bedroom, the key is communication and exploration, there are certainly ways for you and your girlfriend to work out what is satisfying to you both. Since you have stated that your sex life is "amazing," there is clearly hope that this will be worked out between the two of you. Believe your girlfriend when she tells you that she wants you, loves you, and is attracted to You! If she knows that you are asking something of her in the bedroom because it is a turn on for you and it gets you off, she will be far more likely to embrace the concept than if she feels you are doing something because you feel like she is missing must be missing out on it! Trust her and share with her your desires in a way that is not jealous or angry.

    Side note: my wife is a lesbian, who shops in the men's section for her leisure clothes, and the women's pantsuit section for her work clothes. She never wears dresses, heels, or make-up. She wears short hair, and has a strut that is not considered feminine. She gets called "Sir" every now and then, even though she clearly has soft skin, curvy hips, and is quite pretty. She also gets a second or third glance when she enters a women's public restroom. Sometimes children will approach her and ask her, "are you a boy or a girl?".....I adore her! I never dated a woman before she strutted into my life, and I am so glad I said yes when she asked me out! I love her female body and her masculine traits. I love her kind, gentle spirit, and her loving and tender heart. I also love her fascination with and attraction to all the feminine things that I do - make-up, hair, nails, dresses, heels, etc. I don't want her to be a man. I want her to be exactly who she is. She is beautiful, inside and out.
    My advice is figure yourself out - don't act out - and then accept who you are....and accept that your woman loves You for who you are.

    Best wishes and please come back and share your journey with us. Thank you for being willing to talk about it here.
     
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  7. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    Update from 2018: Thanks for everyone back then helping me. I did seek therapy which helped so much. My girlfriend was through this with me the whole time. We are still together. I do not have anger/rage fits anymore. There is still a part of me that wishes I was a man but I am becoming way more comfortable in how I was born and just being myself.

    Thanks again everyone :)
     
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