I haven't had many people in my life for quite some time. I always have had a way of getting myself stuck in these awful situations because of my denial and self-doubt. I am 25 years old, female, lesbian. (Just for reference) Truth is, I have known in the back of my mind that there was something different about me since I was a little girl. Looking back on it, all the signs were there! I grew up in a very conservative, republican household and I never thought I could talk to my parents about anything. I think my mom knew before I did. Anytime I told her I had to talk to her, she usually asked me if I was a lesbian. Growing up I was a tomboy. I never had crushes and I never dreamt of my perfect wedding. Every year for the past 10 years I have reached out on forums and researched my sexuality. I would do that for a few weeks, then push it to the very far end of my mind for a while. This unknowingly led to years of terribly built up anxiety and depression. I never acknowledged this because I thought it was normal to be stressed out all the time. Once I got to college, I thought something was terribly wrong with me. I was the outcast in my dorm because I didn't date men and I never went out with the women in my dorm... So I started forcing myself into these pointless relationships with men and there was always something missing. I let myself be submissive to these guys all these years and it angers me now that I let myself be like that. I changed myself for them and did what they wanted me to. I let them dictate my life because I thought that's how it always was going to be. When I was 19, I couldn't afford to continue college. So I moved back home and was working two jobs all the time. My dad was always blaming me for the house being dirty or chores not being done, despite my sisters being home all day. If I was even a little bit late from my night job, he claimed I was out sleeping around or doing drugs. I was valedictorian in high school, a virgin till college. I never gave him any reason to think bad of me. I had my first lesbian experience at my night job though... We are still facebook friends, she is now married to her ex girlfriend that hated me haha! We were working at a minor league baseball stadium in the "Funzone" kids' blowup castle area. We were stuck rolling up the 200-300 pound blowup slide (The guys ditched us early). Once we were done we went to lockup the storage closet and she grabbed my waist and leaned in to kiss me. It felt right, but I guess I gave off bad vibes because I leaned away a little bit..I was so nervous around her all the time because I had the biggest crush on her. I have never felt that way around men. I have always felt really grossed out when they touch me. ( In a "They are all perverts" kind of way!) After that failed, I continued working my jobs and ended up going on an online dating site to make friends and just talk to people. I ended up meeting this guy in the military and I thought I loved him (Subconsciously I wanted to get the hell out of my parents home). SO naive 19-year old me left home one morning and drove all the way to texas and married this guy i never met...Stupid right?! I still can't believe I did that. I was in that relationship for a year moving around with him and dealing with verbal and mental abuse every day. The only time I felt free was when he was deployed and I got to work or explore town. A lot of terrible events happened with him that I ended up being an alcoholic during the marriage because it was the only coping method I could find. He never let me leave home. One time we got into this huge fight and he threw my wine glass across the room (My neighbors pounded on the door to lecture him). He slashed my tires so I couldn't leave. I was too scared to realize I could go too his captain and get help. He made my life a living hell and I lost all of my friends and my family because of it. I didn't talk to my parents for years. I felt all alone. Finally one day I had enough. I would not take the abuse anymore. I left and never looked back. It forced me to become independent and mature very fast. I told myself I would not put up with that abuse from a man or human ever again. This led to me moving around a lot and living in all these crazy situations. I finally started talking to my parents recently and we are doing great. I went to Utah for Job Corps for Machining Certification last year. That's when I finally started talking to my parents again. I was actually out at the school as a lesbian. I felt free because nobody knew me. But then again, I have this way of always pushing it deep into my mind when I feel threatened. I met this guy who is now my best friend. I fell in love with him in a way that I now realize is strictly platonic/best friend sort of way. I thought it meant that there may still be hope for me to live a "normal" life. What is normal anyway!? So we started dating and everything is amazing with him, except I have never felt passion, lust, or anything of a physical or romantic nature with him. We became so comfortable that it just didn't really matter to us if we never touched. THis definitely is not healthy. We decided to move to Tucson for a fresh start. Things have only gone downhill from there. I am so upset with myself because it always seems like another person takes over and is convinced I can somehow make it work with a man.. Which I know is not the case. I recently got sick of feeling depressed and undesirable. There is so much tension and distance between us. We are basically roommates. So I have been doing some very deep soul searching and after all these years I have realized I am a lesbian. I am not bi like I always told people I was. I am in no way attracted to men, like I undeniably have been forcing myself to think. I am no longer allowing myself to punish myself for being that way I am. I no longer want or need to follow these "established rules" that society and my parents have set. For my mental and emotional health, I have to allow myself the freedom to be who I truly am. It is a struggle that I have been fighting my entire life. Now I am stuck in this position that I never want to be stuck in again. We signed a lease together and he eventually wants to move back to Ohio. I love it here. I have no intentions on leaving. I have to talk to him about all of this because isn't fair to him or myself for us to keep going with this. He is amazing. He is my best friend and the thing that scares me most is losing my best friend and hurting him. It's difficult because his family is visiting and I am still waiting on my job to start as the New Year begins. I want to make sure I am stable in case the worst-case scenario happens... So in terms of being out, the only people I have in my life is my sister, my mom and dad, and him. My sister knows I am gay and my mom thinks I'm Bi. My dad is extremely conservative. And my "roommate" for all intensive purposes...He thinks that no matter what your sexual orientation is, if you are in a hetero relationship you are straight. So he doesn't even believe in bisexuality. I just don't know how to handle this without my life falling apart.