Don't know anymore...

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by LezzieRose, Nov 23, 2016.

  1. LezzieRose

    LezzieRose New Member

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    I haven't had many people in my life for quite some time. I always have had a way of getting myself stuck in these awful situations because of my denial and self-doubt. I am 25 years old, female, lesbian. (Just for reference)

    Truth is, I have known in the back of my mind that there was something different about me since I was a little girl. Looking back on it, all the signs were there! I grew up in a very conservative, republican household and I never thought I could talk to my parents about anything.

    I think my mom knew before I did. Anytime I told her I had to talk to her, she usually asked me if I was a lesbian. Growing up I was a tomboy. I never had crushes and I never dreamt of my perfect wedding.

    Every year for the past 10 years I have reached out on forums and researched my sexuality. I would do that for a few weeks, then push it to the very far end of my mind for a while. This unknowingly led to years of terribly built up anxiety and depression. I never acknowledged this because I thought it was normal to be stressed out all the time.

    Once I got to college, I thought something was terribly wrong with me. I was the outcast in my dorm because I didn't date men and I never went out with the women in my dorm... So I started forcing myself into these pointless relationships with men and there was always something missing. I let myself be submissive to these guys all these years and it angers me now that I let myself be like that. I changed myself for them and did what they wanted me to. I let them dictate my life because I thought that's how it always was going to be. When I was 19, I couldn't afford to continue college. So I moved back home and was working two jobs all the time. My dad was always blaming me for the house being dirty or chores not being done, despite my sisters being home all day. If I was even a little bit late from my night job, he claimed I was out sleeping around or doing drugs. I was valedictorian in high school, a virgin till college. I never gave him any reason to think bad of me. I had my first lesbian experience at my night job though... We are still facebook friends, she is now married to her ex girlfriend that hated me haha! We were working at a minor league baseball stadium in the "Funzone" kids' blowup castle area. We were stuck rolling up the 200-300 pound blowup slide (The guys ditched us early). Once we were done we went to lockup the storage closet and she grabbed my waist and leaned in to kiss me. It felt right, but I guess I gave off bad vibes because I leaned away a little bit..I was so nervous around her all the time because I had the biggest crush on her. I have never felt that way around men. I have always felt really grossed out when they touch me. ( In a "They are all perverts" kind of way!)

    After that failed, I continued working my jobs and ended up going on an online dating site to make friends and just talk to people. I ended up meeting this guy in the military and I thought I loved him (Subconsciously I wanted to get the hell out of my parents home). SO naive 19-year old me left home one morning and drove all the way to texas and married this guy i never met...Stupid right?! I still can't believe I did that. I was in that relationship for a year moving around with him and dealing with verbal and mental abuse every day. The only time I felt free was when he was deployed and I got to work or explore town. A lot of terrible events happened with him that I ended up being an alcoholic during the marriage because it was the only coping method I could find. He never let me leave home. One time we got into this huge fight and he threw my wine glass across the room (My neighbors pounded on the door to lecture him). He slashed my tires so I couldn't leave. I was too scared to realize I could go too his captain and get help. He made my life a living hell and I lost all of my friends and my family because of it. I didn't talk to my parents for years. I felt all alone. Finally one day I had enough. I would not take the abuse anymore. I left and never looked back. It forced me to become independent and mature very fast. I told myself I would not put up with that abuse from a man or human ever again.

    This led to me moving around a lot and living in all these crazy situations. I finally started talking to my parents recently and we are doing great.

    I went to Utah for Job Corps for Machining Certification last year. That's when I finally started talking to my parents again. I was actually out at the school as a lesbian. I felt free because nobody knew me. But then again, I have this way of always pushing it deep into my mind when I feel threatened. I met this guy who is now my best friend. I fell in love with him in a way that I now realize is strictly platonic/best friend sort of way. I thought it meant that there may still be hope for me to live a "normal" life. What is normal anyway!? So we started dating and everything is amazing with him, except I have never felt passion, lust, or anything of a physical or romantic nature with him. We became so comfortable that it just didn't really matter to us if we never touched. THis definitely is not healthy. We decided to move to Tucson for a fresh start. Things have only gone downhill from there. I am so upset with myself because it always seems like another person takes over and is convinced I can somehow make it work with a man.. Which I know is not the case.

    I recently got sick of feeling depressed and undesirable. There is so much tension and distance between us. We are basically roommates. So I have been doing some very deep soul searching and after all these years I have realized I am a lesbian. I am not bi like I always told people I was. I am in no way attracted to men, like I undeniably have been forcing myself to think. I am no longer allowing myself to punish myself for being that way I am. I no longer want or need to follow these "established rules" that society and my parents have set. For my mental and emotional health, I have to allow myself the freedom to be who I truly am.

    It is a struggle that I have been fighting my entire life. Now I am stuck in this position that I never want to be stuck in again. We signed a lease together and he eventually wants to move back to Ohio. I love it here. I have no intentions on leaving. I have to talk to him about all of this because isn't fair to him or myself for us to keep going with this. He is amazing. He is my best friend and the thing that scares me most is losing my best friend and hurting him. It's difficult because his family is visiting and I am still waiting on my job to start as the New Year begins. I want to make sure I am stable in case the worst-case scenario happens...

    So in terms of being out, the only people I have in my life is my sister, my mom and dad, and him. My sister knows I am gay and my mom thinks I'm Bi. My dad is extremely conservative. And my "roommate" for all intensive purposes...He thinks that no matter what your sexual orientation is, if you are in a hetero relationship you are straight. So he doesn't even believe in bisexuality.

    I just don't know how to handle this without my life falling apart.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Let's start at the beginning. Your story is pretty common, actually. Lots of women (and men) struggle with accepting that they are gay. While struggling with their identity, it is common for people to wind up in unhealthy situations and / or relationships.

    It is not your fault that it is hard to deal with coming out. Conservative family, screwed up culture, etc... do not make it easy. Of course if someone elected you Ruler of the Universe, you would make it so being gay / bi / straight / trans / etc... would be no big deal. But you aren't Ruler of the Universe, you are just trying to deal with this screwed up world as best as you can, just like the rest of us.

    Next, it really sucks that your ex was so abusive. I am sorry that he did that to you. I am really glad that you got away from him and got away from all of that. But it wasn't your fault what he did to you. He was an abusive jerk with control issues - he was going to treat any woman in his life like that - straight, gay, whatever. He did that because of his own psychological issues, anger and insecurity, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Nothing justifies how he treated you.

    As for the next bit - your life doesn't have to fall apart. Granted, this will be a time of transition and a new beginning, but that is very different from falling apart. For starters, your sister knows that you are gay and (I assume) is ok with it. Your Mom thinks you are bi and hasn't totally lost her shit, so that is good. So you have some family on your side and that is really positive.

    Coming out doesn't look the same for everyone. Some people wind up being super out and proud to everyone. Other people come out to a select group - supportive family, some friends, some other gay people. But they don't tell everyone, they don't wear it on their sleeve. Some people never even tell their whole family, or the community that they grew up in. You can come out however feels right to you. If you wind up living a long way from where you grew up and never telling your Dad you are gay - that is a valid choice for you.

    I agree, that you probably want some financial independence before you do anything with your boyfriend. Seems like your options are move back with family, or stay in your platonic relationship with him until you get some money saved up. Obviously, that is something to take one step at a time. First step, save up some money. While saving money, you can look into options for staying where you are. Could you take a second job, go to college (go back to college) or get a roommate? You can also start building some support around you. Go to meet ups, join a book club, volunteer somewhere, join an lgbt friendly church, go to lgbt events. Plus, work can be a good place to make friends. You don't have to wait until you are out loud and proud to start making some friends and putting down some roots. And it doesn't have to all be about being gay. For example, if you really like running it will help you to join a running club - friends are friends, no matter their sexuality. You will feel a lot better and things will be healthier if you have more people in your life than just your bf, dad, mom and sister.

    I don't think you should move to Ohio with him. The truth is, it is not a good situation long term. It's not good for you and he ultimately deserves to be with someone who loves him. The current situation is a bad deal for both of you. You two can't stay together forever - so you can follow him to Ohio and wind up breaking up with him, or you can make a clean break when you have money saved up and your lease is up. But that is a worry for another day.

    Right now, all you have to do is take it one day at a time. Think about the positive things you have in your life. Think about things you want in your life, the things you enjoy and start building those things.

    Good luck and post as much as you need.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow...wow....WOW!

    You could be me 20 years ago. Seriously.

    Often I don't get too personal on here, but I will as a point of reference state that I grew up in a family that I didn't think was conservative until the issue of me being gay came up. I graduated 2nd in my class (lost the Valedictorianship because I got cocky and decided that I didn't have to put forth effort in this one particular class and it came back to bite me in the form of a grade I didn't want)...Was a virgin until college...I can pinpoint all the way back to the third grade that something was "different" about me. I was a tomboy, too. In retrospect, clearly now I can see that's when I had my very first massive crush on a girl.

    I won't bore you with all the gory details except to say that when I finally figured out I was "bi" and told my mother, she decided she wanted to throw me out of the house. Here I am, my last year of college with no place to go (I was living at home and commuting to college...another long story) -- I retreated into myself, went back into the closet and was able to stay at home b/c my dad stopped my mom from throwing me out. Then I went to law school (moved out of my family's house during the first year), met a guy and we dated for 4 years...I desperately tried to will the gay away....and I'm not going to lie, I didn't hate the relationship with him -- although he did cheat, and I chalked that up to the fact that I worked a full time job, went to school at night, and barely had time for him except on the weekends. It sounds crazy now to make excuses, but it's what I did.

    Unlike you, however, I didn't have the physical abuse....I had my own other mental issues -- he was from a very well-to-do family, so I felt all this enormous pressure probably as a result of my hidden deep-rooted insecurities and identity of self...things like "eating disorders" became a term I had to confront with myself because my image was the ONE thing I could control. In law school, I tried to be that outgoing happy go lucky person that everyone liked...I played on the co-ed softball team; I joined a co-ed legal fraternity...when the boyfriend and I broke up (this happened like twice before the final breakup after 4 years), I found I had a support network of friends crawl out of the woodwork. The only problem was...they didn't know the 'real' me. I kept that part hidden, even with friends who I knew were LGBT and involved in the school's LGBT organizations.

    I cannot state for sure when I decided to find the courage to live honestly -- and I'm not sure I did. I just started living by omission...broke up with the law school guy (strangely we're still friends and have made better friends than we ever did in a relationship)...and dated a girl...my brother (being a complete asshat) re-outed me to my family....and after many years my mother did apologize to me for being as hateful as she was back then. Since that time I've had my share of shitty relationships -- even with women.

    I won't go so far as to say that I hated men...but I will say that I've never connected with a man the way I do with women...and consider myself a lesbian for all intents and purposes. I am, after all, married to a woman ;)

    My advice to you would be to search for your own truth and find the resolve to live it. You don't need a man to make you happy; you don't have to move anywhere you don't want to move. As for losing your best friend -- best friends should be honest -- and I think although the initial shock and discomfort of being able to be who you are won't go over well, give it time. If he cares about you in any way shape or form, he will want you to be happy.

    If you need to talk...please feel free to PM me.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2016
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