Dazed and so confused

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by CrossRoads, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    So not so straight girl fell for lesbian best friend told her about it ( well she basically forced it out of me ) got rejected. We are trying to stay friends but she keeps flirting with me hard core when she’s drunk to the point of trying to get me to engage in sexting with her. I dont take the bait. She pushes me away because “ I let you get to close” . Tells me “when I feel safe again I’ll open back up.” Then tells me she only has feelings for me when she’s drunk and then gets pissed about it in the morning. That she never changes her feeling for someone when they are friend zoned. That I’m not going to lose her. But I feel like I already have because she won't talk to me.


    I really don't know what to do here. I think she has feelings for me but is scared. She has only ever known me as the straight friend. Even though all my life I’ve know I could fall for a woman just never met one that was more than a simple crush until this happened. Im picky as hell and in order to have feeling for someone I have to know them. I think she has feelings but is scared because of a lot of things one being I'm in the process of leaving a relationship with a man. I think she thinks I’m the typical bi curious chick that's going to break her heart. And run back to men if shit gets hard. She also has major abandonment issues. Or I turned into a game to her. Like hey can I actually flip the straight girl. I don't know. I'm just crushed by all this and need a place to vent to work it all out to ask what the hell, cause being stuck in my head sucks.


    Backstory. We have know each other for close to 10 years. At first we weren't really friends more of acquaintances. We became friends she did some shady shit to a friend of mine and ended up with her girlfriend. We quit talking.


    Ff a couple years she marries the girlfriend and we start to repair our friendship. From that point on we were like inseparable friends. Even though we lived a couple states apart we would talk daily and at least once a year would take vacations to hang out with each other and mutual friends. Sure there would be times when we went a few weeks or a month without talking due to work or life in general but when one of us would contact the other it was as if no time had passed at all.


    FF 2 years ago. She and her wife split she was devastated and started posting some really scary shit on fb. I was like look dude if you need someone you know Im here right. From then on I was her shoulder to cry on. I was the person she would come to when shit hit the fan and vice versa. She became my best friend.


    I recently went to visit her a couple months ago and realised that she had developed an alcohol problem. She had hinted at it for the past year but I dismissed it as her just making jokes. Until I seen it in person. I was worried and said something to her about not drinking or slowing down. She said she needed to stop drinking but had no support. I said I'd do it with her for a set period of time. ( bad mistake) during that time I completely fell for her. She opened up to me and me to her. We talked constantly durring our sobriety. I would always check in to see how she was doing and we’d just start talking about anything and everything.


    When I realised what I was feeling for her I did typical straight girl panic attack and stopped replying to her messages for a day. Reeled my emotions back in and tried to bury thats shit so deep so that I wouldn't lose her. But that didn't work and the way I interacted with her shifted a bit. At the end of the of our sobriety I was still attracted to her and like a knucklehead posted a vague fb post about the sobriety experience. How I learned things about myself some good some bad and some scarry as hell. She read straight through that shit. Confronted me about it and I panicked. I was on my way out of town with friends and tried to play it off and said we would talk about it when I got home. We texted non stop while I was away. But never about the issue at hand. The agreement was when I got home we’d talk about it.


    I mustered up all the courage I had and called when I got home. She didn't answer. So like a dumb ass I texted her saying something about how we needed to talk about this and how she sucked for not answering the phone. Then at a time when she thought I’d be asleep she sent a massive flood of texts about how she didn't want to know, how it terrified her as well, and how she loved me but we needed to let it go and let it play out. That she didn't want to ruin our friendship. I stupidly being half asleep read the first text wrong and was like “ It was killing me keeping that shit in”. We texted a little and agreed to be friends.


    We were fine until 2 weeks ago I could feel her pulling away until she would drink and then she’d start flirting. I engaged a couple times until the sexting part. I told her I couldn't go there unless I knew that's what she wanted. She told me only when she’s drunk and it's like this with everyone so next time just go with it. I said I would, but if I do, I know I’ll fall and I don't think we can handle that right now. She said true cause I'm the same way.


    Then the next day radio silence. I would text and nothing. Or if anything I would get short answers. I knew something was wrong confronted her and she gave me an excuse about how this other girl she had a thing for rejected her and she was feeling off. I asked are you sure that's it? She said yes that's it. And silence again. I went a couple days without hearing from her and I knew something was wrong we never went more than 4 hours with out a simple text to each other. So I was like hey are you ok? Then that's when I got the texts about how she let me get to close and when that happens she pushes people away but when she feels safe she’ll open back up again and how she didn't want to give me the wrong idea that she only has feelings for me when she’s drunk and when she’s sober she gets pissed.


    Im at a loss. She says I'm not losing her but it sure feels like I have. I don't know what to do. Im trying to give her space to process but I think we need to talk about this shit. But I also don't want to push her too much and push her even further away. I care deeply for her but I can't lose her as a friend. Worst of all she is supposed to be coming here for vacation in a couple weeks my friends are excited to see her and we all have plans for the week. But now I don't even know if she’s coming. She hasn't said she’s not but I feel like she not going to. I don't know what to do. i don't know If I should wait for her to contact me or if I should just be like dude what's the deal. I don't know how to fix this. Or if I even can.


    If you read through all this thank you for reading my ramblings.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry to hear all this, CrossRoads. Sometimes friends have feelings for each other and when it gets into an area where she is recovering from a past relationship and also working on her sobriety, she can't handle much more. I know it is hard for you to completely let go of this, but I think she is setting some boundaries and you can't second guess whether or not she is just scared. Whatever the reason, getting involved is just not something she is ready for. So, she drank back to the old days where things appeared to be easy and felt a certain sense of freedom and drunk texted you her feelings. Don't trust drunk texts. They are her feelings in a form but they are not healthy expressions of them.

    I know you said you can't lose this friendship, the thing is, yes you can. You have known her forever, and it shakes your sense of this trust of forever-ness you want with someone, even if it is just friendship. Sometimes, friendships die so someone may live and come into her own. Her addiction go to is alcohol. Yours right now is her. It is not only that she needs space from this, you do as well. We have a good community here, so, do vent if you feel tempted into getting her. Leave fb and everything that draws you back into this. In time, you will gain perspective and hope. If you are worried about your friend, get the sponsor to check on her. You don't need to say anything specific but just ask the sponsor to check on your friend. Then just let go and do all the zen things that allow you to let go. I feel ya. And hey, you know, don't think of this as your fault or hers. These things happen and no one can help them, it is just that they don't always happen in the right context then it becomes something that just won't work.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Run. Run far, far away from this girl. She is trouble. Lots and lots of trouble.

    She
    a) did some shady shit to a friend.
    b) has been divorced
    c) has an alcohol problem
    d) has made it clear (when sober) that she doesn't want to date you
    e) is drinking again, to the point where she is doing unhealthy stuff with you

    First off, you are trying to second guess her choice not to be with you. 'Maybe she thinks I am just bicurious...' That is a form of bargaining- I really want to be with this person, they don't want to be with me, maybe if I say X, or do y it will change their mind.

    Her feelings and her concerns are hers to deal with. Trying to deal with her feelings for her is unhealthy- it's codependent at best and creepy and manipulative at worst.

    Honestly, her reasons for not wanting to be with you are probably more complex than you are guessing. You could try to have an honest conversation with her to ask what her reasons are. But given her behavior, I doubt she will be open and honest.

    If she isn't willing to talk about what her feelings/ issues are- you can't try to guess them. She is a big girl, she gets to decide how to deal with her feelings about dating you. You can't force her to face her issues, just so you can get what you want. Truth is, dealing with her issues around dating a bicurious girl may be low on her to do list. She probably has higher priorities- sobriety, working through her divorce, etc...

    Her acting out with you while drunk may mean nothing to her. She's drunk and horny, you are cute and you are in her phone book. Drunk people frequently screw randoms that they have no feelings for just because they want to get laid.

    (Full confession, in my younger, slutier days I had some no feelings one night stands. I also had a fwb with a girl I had feelings for, but refused to date because we never would have worked as a couple.)

    Which brings me to the last point. This girl is a mess. Why do you want to date her? She's got an alcohol problem, you try to be her therapist/ friend, she has been divorced and backstabbed a friend. She plays games with you and can't be honest. I am not saying she is a terrible person- but she is a mess. She is in no place to be dating anyone. She needs to focus on her sobriety (and other issues) - before she dates anyone.

    I get that you have feelings for her. But- as adults, we exercise self control and don't always act out on our feelings. I once dated a girl with a drug and alcohol problem. When I realized she had a problem and wasn't willing to face it -I broke up with her. I loved her, we had a lot of fun together and the sex was crazy good. But the rational part of me had to protect me- which meant over riding my feelings (and sex drive). I made the right choice as she eventually ODed and died.

    I suggest you stay away from this girl. Protect yourself and don't get involved with her. Listen to the rational side and not the feelings/ lust side.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Go back and read your post objectively. If you do, you'll realize just how one-sided this "friendship" is...

    Everything is on her terms. And you're too afraid to lose the "friendship" that you cater to her. She's set the ground rules for this friendship...answering texts when SHE chooses to, disregarding your feelings in the process. Only taking up sobriety when SHE has support -- not strong enough to doing it on her own. SHE flirts with you when she's drunk and SHE's wanting the attention....

    You're her crutch...when she and the wife split; when she needs sobriety; she'll open up when SHE's safe enough to open up again....

    Friendship is a two way street. Seems to me if she respected you enough she wouldn't engage in this passive/aggressive bs and be respectful of the fact that you have feelings.

    Personally -- this is not someone I'd call a friend. For your own sanity, you might want to look at how you define friendship as well because this is not it. Run from this one -- she'll hurt you in a New York Second.
     
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  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    This. Anyone who finds themselves falling in love with a best friend should read this.
     
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  6. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    First thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply


    @ greylin


    I think you hit it spot on about the addiction thing. I have even thought that exact thing a time or two. I’m addicted or co-dependant to her she’s addicted to alcohol. Which in all honesty addiction/co-dependency are pretty much the same thing. And yes I’m extremely worried about her. I’ve reached out to a mutual friend who lives in her area and asked them to check up on her. Due to some of things she was saying before she started to push me away.


    @Bluenote


    I’m definitely not trying to manipulate her into wanting to be with me. But I do think there is this weird co-dependency thing going on. I’m just that person that needs to know why. The why to everything. That's probably why I’m honest, blunt, and upfront with everyone. To the point where sometimes I stick my foot in my mouth. But I tell everyone if you don't want to know exactly what I think don't ask. Which is why everyone always tells me “ when I need advice I always go to you because I know you’ll tell me the truth and won't sugar coat it.” I just wish I could be that way with myself. As soon as my emotions get involved it's like the objective part of my brain shuts down. Which is why I’m here. Sometimes I need that smack in the face to wake me up.


    Yes there is a part of me that has these intense feelings for her. But I know we are not in any place to be anything more than friends. We both have our own issues. You basically know only part of a friendship that has spanned 10 yrs. Before I came clean and told her how I was feeling she wasn't such a jerk. She has in the past been there for me more times then I can count. But she was in a better head space and not a drunk. She wasn't like this until the past couple weeks. Really right after I rejected her sexual advances. I have no plans of acting out on my feelings. Which is the whole reason I hit the brakes hard when she started to send me sexualy explicit texts. Because I know she’s not ready for this and I would only get hurt. I’m crushed because I feel like I ruined our friendship. Like I’m the cause of where we are now. If I had just kept my mouth shut things wouldn't be so effed up between us. That's my heart talking. However my brain knows I’m not 100% at fault I’m just having trouble reconciling both sides of my mind.


    What I allude to when I want to fix this is, or that I’m crushed is, what I want more than anything, my friend back. Did she hurt my ego when she said she didn't feel the same way? Yeah. However I also told her that I was completely fine with the way things were between us. And I meant that. That I was completely fine with just remaining her friend if that's what she wanted and was comfortable with.


    What I should have done at that point was set clear boundaries and not crossed those lines. But high in sight right.


    @ spygirl

    You are completely correct in everything. That's the way she is acting now. Now that she’s back to being a raging alcoholic. That's the part that hurts the most. Because she really is an amazing person when she’s not drunk/hungover/in an alcohol induced haze. When I first admitted my feelings she was very supportive. However that was when she wasn't full on drunk.


    Right now I’ve been giving her space. But in all actuality I need the space as well. I need to figure my shit out. My life out. Im not saying that she doesn’t have this power over me to draw me back in because let's face it she does. But I know I need to work on me.


    She did text me today I still haven’t responded yet. Basically said she’s mentally exhausted and is pushing everyone away cause that’s how she deals. She’s pushing me away because she doesn't want to hurt me. She doesn't know if she can control what she says to me when she’s drunk and she knows that it will hurt me. I think I just need to say, We really need to talk about this at some point and you need to be sober when we do. If we actually have this conversation I need to set boundaries and so does she.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think before she was getting drunk she may have been a dry drunk and sometimes they do these mean streak things even when they are sober. I don't think you had to confess your feelings with her in order to mess up a friendship, it is already a very messy thing to deal with. There is so much good to be found in a person who is messed up that it is often easy for us to forget that sustaining a friendship can be hard to do.

    So, don't beat yourself up, but it is best to keep your distance.
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    This sucks, but:

    I would get ready for the possibility that she is not now/effectively never going to be able to have the conversation you want to have. She may not be able to deal with this, stop lashing out, or exercise the control over her drinking to have a sober conversation. That is hard and sad, but it is her work to do, and until she is ready to change this named, harmful behavior (dealing with some serious mental health sh*t via self-medication and sabotaging of friendships) and does the work (therapy, AA, etc), no amount of love, tough or otherwise, is going to do the work for her.

    And you shouldn't do it for her, or drag her along, or push her to have conversations that she is not willing and able to have. A friend cannot be a therapist, and often our care for our friends acts a bandaid to deeper problems, enabling unhealthy coping behaviors. If she treats you badly and you are always there for her, she learns that she can treat you badly without consequence. If she says horrible things to her when she is drunk, and you forgive and forget, she learns that she can get drunk and say horrible things without consequence. Letting people get away with hurting people as a consequence of their brokenness is not kindness. So don't be a counselor, teacher, nurse or therapist - people who are paid to take care of you - be a friend, who is allowed to say "hell no" to bad treatment and SHOULD say no to bad treatment, both out of respect for yourself and respect and love for her.

    Even if that means your friendship gets broken. Even if she can't fix it now. Even if that means losing her. Because the only chance at healthy friendship comes via boundaries, and the only enforceable boundary may be distance until she is able to address her underlying needs in a healthy, respectful way.
     
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  9. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    We had the conversation. Basically she said she's not ready for a relationship with anyone not just me but anyone. That she cares but knows it wouldnt work because she's effed up. That she wishes it could because she really needs someone like me but she doesnt want to hurt me. That all we could be is friends.

    I told her I'm fine with that. That her friendship is more important to me than a relationship. However if this is going to work she has to know that its definitely not ok send me sexually explicit/sexually suggestive/baiting texts. They have to stop. This has to be stricktly platonic. No grey area no crossing friendship boundries.

    I also told her I cant be there for her in the capacity I was before. That I truly believe she needs to go see a therapist to help her work through her issues.

    Also I just got off the phone with the mutual friend. He is extreamly worried. Said he's never seen her this bad before. Was trying to get me to talk to her about whats going on becuase she wouldnt talk to him and "she usually listens to you". (I just, I cant go there and I know it.) I told him that things between us are in a very delicate place and I cant be that person for her right now. I care but for both of our sanity I cant do it.

    He asked if I would be willing to come up there and do some sort of friend intervention. To which I stated if you want to organize an intervention with an actual specialist and give me enough time to get time off work and make travel plans I will be there no questions asked. He's going to get back with me in the next week or two after he looks into what resources are availible in the area. So if she doesn't seek help on her own we may be bringing the help to her.

    I cant help but feel partialy responsible for the state she's in. She was doing good with the whole not drinking thing until I droped the bomb on her. Then she spiraled. I know its not all my fault. But I feel like I contributed in a way and feel like a total Dbag for not realising how fragile of a state she was actually in.

    Now I just need to prepare myself for the possibility that if it comes to the point of this intervention that I'm going to need to set bottom lines and stick to them. And I may lose our friendship in the process. But if thats what it comes to in order to save her from herself then so be it.
     
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  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Nope.

    Life happens. Sometimes it happens through accidents, job loss, death, lottery tickets .. and sometimes it happens with an unexpected romantic interest that you can't reciprocate.

    Life happens to fragile people too, and part of being a grownup - the real, hard, not-to-be-dismissed work of being a person - is finding ways to cope when Life happens to you. Your friend, who is fragile, who has a history of addiction, who copes with Life in ways that are not the best for her or the people around her, bears the whole responsibility for responding to the unexpected, for asking for the help that she needs, for seeking support from friends, family, and professionals. Friends can help her with this, but they cannot and should not manage or direct her. I say this as a fragile person, who is anxious and depressed, who has a history of coping in unhealthy ways, who has dealt with friend crushes well and not so well (but never tried to convince a friend they were responsible for my fragility!).

    Life is also happening to you. It hit you with a crush on a close, alcoholic, fragile friend. You tried to handle it in the most kind, honest way you knew how - and something I see in your post is the ongoing effort to center her emotional and mental health needs because they seem more drastic than yours. Yeah, okay, sure - but you are the president of the Taking Care Of You society, and your needs - to be honest, to see if your interest was returned, to bring your whole self into a friendship - are also valid and important. They are not less important than her fragility, and you don't have to subordinate your needs just because hers shout louder. See:

    Are you interested in saving yourself? Because she is the ONLY person who can save herself from herself. An intervention may help her realize how serious this is or accept resources to address her issues, but that will ONLY be with her express consent and effort. You cannot save another person, and trying - burying your needs again and again, being there for her no matter how abusive and unkind she gets, centering her drama at the expense of your emotional honesty and health - will hurt you. This intervention might work, or it might not, but if you lose her it is because her deciding to address this terrible, toxic coping strategy is what you need to have a friend who can treat you with respect and kindness.

    My favorite advice columnist on this is Captain Awkward. Check it out, search up "substance abuse" or "alcoholism" or "boundaries" or "friendship" or "rejection."
     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Things get messy with people but once you know it is a mess, try not to get even messier. I got to the part where you mentioned the intervention and wondered if I would have gone. My initial and continuous instinct would be "no". And if I were to go...(because, even though I should, I am not always the "President of the Taking Care Of You society" as @lorienczhiu has described. Mostly I am the congress in session with heavy partisanship and some independents thrown in)...I would need a sponsor myself to be on the straight and narrow. I would go and make sure there is someone there who knows the situation that I could lean on so I could stand with everyone and then leave without too much contact.
     
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  12. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    @lorienczhiu
    She has never tried to convince me that her state of mind is my fault. That's just me and comes from growing up with a mentally abusive father ( the everything is your fault type ). I know it's not all my fault. I know that she's dealing with everything they way she has became accustomed to dealing.

    I know I ultimately can't save her that she has to want to change or it wont happen.

    As far as saving myself I have already started to place space between us although I havent completely cut her off. I have looked up resorces and read multiple things online about how to deal with this whole thing without losing myself in the process.

    @greylin
    I have reached out to 3 of our mutual friends who live in her area. The "intervention" guy. L & R. L was a very good friend of mine but we let some bonehead work related stuff come between us we are both very stubborn. ( If anything good has come from this is that L and I have started to mend our friendship) L knows alot of whats going on with her. So I do have a support system in place if it comes to an intervention. I know I can lean on L&R and they know I'm here for them as well.


    Update:
    For the past week I have started to distance my self from her. I started to reply to this thread last weekend but I even distanced my self from here to try and create space. I dont send the random texts through out the day like I normally would or even check my texts/reply as often as normal. We still talk and she still reaches out when she's drunk but not in a sexual mannor. So far she has complied with the boundries that I/we set.

    She has admitted that she needs to go see a therapist. She brought it up not me. I agreed and told her things I noticed she was doing and why I thought she should. I dont know if she has contacted one. I dont know if I'm even going to ask or press the issue. Normally I would have.

    Last night she also said she was going to quit drinking again. But she was drunk when she said it. I asked if you were going to quit why are you drunk now? She didnt respond until this morning with "I know you dont believe me and I've given you no reason to. But I am going to quit again. I need to for me and I want you to know this."

    So I hope she does all of this I hope she gets her life back together and starts to love herself again. But I know I have to take a back seat to this. I cant control it or make it happen. She really was a great person and friend before she was depressed and turned to alcohol.
     
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  13. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    Update : So a lot has happened since july. Things went from bad to somewhat normal and back and forth then back to bad.


    She blew off her planned vacation down here in july. The reason she gave was a partial lie. ( more on this later ) Basically said it was not because of me and it was all because of her finances. My friends were disappointed some because they did not get to meet her others because they genuinely like her and did not get to see her again. We continued on with our planned events for the week. Posted pics of our travels ect... I told her I would be unavailable most of the week doing what we had planned and not to read too much into it if I did not respond to a text right away. That I wasn't mad just may not have time to respond. To which she said she understood and would be busy as well and wouldn't have time either. Cool right.... Wrong.... The whole week she would text me then get passive aggressive when I did not respond. She posted some pretty shitty responses to pics of different events on my friends photos. I blew it all off as I felt like she was hurt/jealous because she couldn't come. I began to distance myself even further as she continued to drink, send flirtatious texts again, started the whole push pull thing ect... until she landed herself in the hospital. I stayed up texting with her until around 3am that night while she went through tests and such. She was freaking out and I told her no matter what happened I'd be there for her and she wouldn't have to go through any of it alone. My last text that night when she was released from the hospital "Please take care of yourself and don't go home and crack open a bottle". Her reply "I won't I just need time to process". That same day in the evening I get a stream of drunk texts. I snapped. I told her she needed help she, was ruining her life, she had health issues and was out getting shitfaced not even 24 hours after getting out of the hospital. That she had a problem. That people were worried about her and cared more about her than she did herself. This caused a fight and she accused the way I was acting of being because I was in love with her and was upset because she didn't feel the same way. I told her that while I did love her, I did not want her to love me. Nor was I upset at her for not feeling the same emotions for me as I had for her. That I did not want to be with her the only thing I wanted from this was friendship. That if this was too much for her to handle to tell me now and I would walk away. She said she wanted me in her life but did not want to be told what to do. Things were distant for a while after this I would only contact her if she initiated. I still don't know the results from the tests or how she is health wise.


    In august

    We started to mend our friendship. By this time I had come to the realisation that while I cared deeply for her I was finally over her. I still wanted her in my life in some capacity but I quit making her a priority. I gave up on the intervention our mutual friends no longer wanted anything to do with her. She burned all of those bridges. So at that point it would have just been me and I could not and would not do it alone.


    Sept.

    Shit hit the fan again. I had bought a plane ticket to go visit 2 months before I fell for her. I wasn't going to go because I had a feeling things would get messy. She was still drinking had wrecked her car coming home from the bar. While things between us were on the right track I felt like something was off. One of my friends convinced me to go. I also wanted to see if our friendship could survive this and she acted as if she really wanted me to come. So I went. I shouldn't have. She ignored me pretty much the whole time I was up there. Said some pretty shitty things. Got jealous of the fact that her friends were paying any attention to me while they were there. Ect…

    When I got home she said she missed me. I told her what she had done, how it made me feel, and that I didn't know what to think or do at this point. She blew up at me told me I was toxic, and manipulative. That the real reason I was up set was because I was in love with her and she knew it. That I was upset because she didn't feel the same. That she opened her heart to me and I took advantage of it and fell. That I would alway be in love with her. That I kept throwing her flaws in her face and she would never do that to me. I said no I am no longer in love with you. I care yes. I don't want to be with you, I don't want you to love me. I just want my friend back. I have never wanted you to feel something you don't. That I wasn't throwing anything in her face I just needed her to know how her actions affect other people. How her actions made me feel. That was that we quit talking. She told le she didn't want me in her life. Well I quit responding. She continued to send texts and tag me in fb posts. She did send me a message about how she kept from me the fact that it was because of my feelings she didn't visit in the summer. So she lied to me. I also caught her in multiple lies while I was at her house.


    Oct

    Fast forward 4 weeks. I shared a post one of my friends posted and she thinks it's about her. It wasn't it was about something a friend of mine and I were talking about the day before. Ohhh boy the fallout from this is 50 shades of cray. She passive aggressively composes this post and quotes my meme in it and outs me to everyone. Now keep in mind I’m only out to 2 people her being one of them and she knows this. She posts about how I fell for her and how I took advantage of her kindness by falling for her and a whole bunch of stupid shit. The kicker she has me restricted on fb so I find out because intervention guy and R both message me and say hey she’s a dick are you ok she’s a shit friend. That they are both there for me. Then I get a message from L saying hey have you seen what she posted. I’m sittin here like no you know we arent talking anymore. She has me restricted because I quit responding to her. L screens the post sends it to me and says I’m so sorry she did this to you. If you need anything I’m here.


    I think what makes me the most angry about this is the fact that She took my power of decision away. Not that I care all that much what anyone thinks of me. I just….. It's really shitty and I wouldn't do that to anyone.


    So yeah I’m an idiot. I trusted a complete nut job and you all warned me about it. I did take your advice into consideration and it did help me to finally go no contact with her ( at least on my part ) at the beginning of sept. I should have blocked her from everything but I feared what she recently did. I guess I’m just that person who has to learn the hard way. In all honesty I think she is lashing out at me now because I finally had the courage to cut her off and move on. But who knows.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    So yeah I’m an idiot. I trusted a complete nut job and you all warned me about it. I did take your advice into consideration and it did help me to finally go no contact with her ( at least on my part ) at the beginning of sept. I should have blocked her from everything but I feared what she recently did. I guess I’m just that person who has to learn the hard way. In all honesty I think she is lashing out at me now because I finally had the courage to cut her off and move on. But who knows.[/QUOTE]
    I am sorry that happened to you. It pretty much sucks and no, you don't deserve to be outed. I think very few people deserve to be outed (secretly gay homophobic lawmakers and preachers aside). Your biggest sin was being too trusting, but still, you don't deserve to be outed for that.

    I think you are too hard on yourself calling yourself an idiot. From what you describe, you didn't totally disregard everyone's advice and you didn't trust her blindly. It sounds more like every time she let you down you took another step back from her. It sounds like you went from 'maybe we can date' to 'I wouldn't date her unless she gets her shit together' to 'she's a friend with some issues, let's see if I can salvage our friendship' to 'nope.'

    Idiotic would be trusting her over and over without ever changing your expectations.

    Unfortunately, it sounds like she has more issues than just drinking too much. She sounds hot cold and manipulative to the extreme. So yes, she may actually be nuts. It sounds like you are trying to learn from this and move forward. Like you are going back over everything and seeing 'what were the red flags I missed?' At the time, you probably wrote some of her red flags off as drinking. In the future, hopefully you won't worry so much about why the red flag is there (is she an alcoholic, or a nut, or an alcoholic nut) and instead just say 'nope, red flag, I am out of here.'

    I wouldn't be surprised if she comes crawling back to you some day, probably when she has burned a lot of other bridges. I hope you don't reconnect with her. I don't care if it is 20 years down the road, she really sounds like the kind of messed up that is very hard to fix.
     
    #14
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Bluenote pretty said everything I was thinking of. I will add a hugs for CrossRoads. I am sorry she outed you! The nerve she has treating you this way! You are not an idiot, you are smart about things as you are kind to people. Sometimes it is just hard to find that balance of kindness and wariness. As you are learning to recognize more of the red flags, I hope you don't let this damage your gentle spirit. Please take care.
     
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  16. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    @Bluenote , @greylin
    Thanks for the kind words.

    Here I am again. Since I last posted she has continued to text me at least once a week. All of which I have ignored. Except for one about a month ago because it really got under my skin. She was saying some really brutal shit about her ex and saying how her ex was a monster because she had moved on. I was like no dude you were seperated for almost 2 years before your divorce. She moved on and is aloud to do what she feels is right for her life. That sometimes couples change and start to want different things and unfortunantly you were no longer what she wanted out of life. You're not together she can do what ever she wants. It just really got to me that day.

    Then yesterday morning I get a text with a pic she wrecked her car again. This time was much worse than the last and she is very lucky she's ok. I havent responded but I also get a message from L later that day saying how she text her the same thing and that she is ok just has some bumps and bruises. Judging from the time she sent both texts ( to me and L ) she was drunk comming home from the bar when she wrecked. I dont know for sure but L said she continues to go to the bar everyday after work.

    So now I'm sitting here on christmas eve struggling with the fact that all I want to do is respond and say, "look you need to stop this before you hurt yourself or someone else. You have wrecked your car 2 times in the last 5 months. You won't keep getting away with this wreckless behavior without causing real damage to yourself or some innocent bystander." I really don't know what to do. I hate the fact that I know where this is going to lead if she doesn't stop doing this shit. DUI, hurting or killing someone including herself, Jail. Sometimes I just want to be like look if you want my friendship back you need to get help, you need to admit to the things you have done, make things right and actually mean it or just leave me alone. But then I also know that I don't want to give her false hope because even if she does all of those things I will never be able to trust her. We will never have the freindship we once had because of that.

    I know I should block her from everything but for some reason I just cant bring myself to do it. I have in the past cut people off entirely for far less and never looked back. I think part of me and part of the reason I don't is because I still have hope that she will take the steps necessary to get her life back together. I still even after every thing care about her. Even though I know I can't and won't be there for her and our friendship is gone. That and the fact that if I were to block her I dont want another incident like what happened the last time I posted. Not just with the outing but she knows alot of things about me and my life and past ( from my childhood up till now ) that I just don't want blasted all over social media. I don't and can't trust that she wouldn't do something like that again as some sort of vindictive move for blocking her. I guess I'm just here to vent and get this out.
     
    #16
  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Crossroads, you are talking to someone who had to watch an unweaned baby miss her momma because some drunken ahole took the mother’s life. When I come across ppl like that I would do anything to convince them to stop or tell them off or find a way to make sure the law knows about them. But that is just me and my history.

    I get that she’s got you by the short hairs but sometimes, no secrets about you is worth your quality of life. She is already ramming a semi into it, backing up and doing it again. While I don’t think anyone is beyond redemption, I don’t think you are the one to do the redeeming. She uses you as a crutch, and she is feeding off this caring energy you give her so she could see how far the bottom really is. Don’t be a part of this. Don’t let her trap you. This is not right and it is taking you down with her. I can’t imagine you having to deal with this and get up everyday to make a living and still have your health. Please take care of yourself.
     
    #17
  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @CrossRoads - block her texts and all her sm. Tell your friends you don't want to talk / hear about her. Put her out of your life completely. Move on and focus on caring for yourself. If you can't stick to that, make an appointment with a therapist and discuss why you are stuck trying to fix someone who is so toxic to you.

    She has violated you time and again. She's outed you, lied to you, manipulated you, ignored your boundaries, treated you like shit, lashed out at you and on and on. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.

    You can't fix her. Only she can fix herself. Quit trying to fix her, quit being her crutch and focus on taking care of yourself. You sound like a compassionate person and a loyal friend. She has taken advantage of your friendship, your loyalty and your trust. She doesn't deserve you. Just as importantly, your help and efforts have done nothing to help her. Don't keep it wasting effort on the pipe dream that you can help her get healthy. You tried, you found out it wasn't possible. Accept the truth and move on.

    You have some wonderful qualities. Focus on the people in your life that respect and appreciate you.

    Best wishes for a happy, healthy and drama free 2018.
     
    #18
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  19. CrossRoads

    CrossRoads Member

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    Boy she doesn't give up.


    I finally blocked her shortly after my last post and reading your replies and finally being honest with myself. I thought back over everything and how she was acting. Like seriously she has changed so much in the past year that I don't even know who she is anymore. The confident, helpful, honest, loyal, trustworthy, friend who was always herself and never tried to be someone else to fit in is gone. She is none of those things anymore. She is constantly trying to fit in with the people she has newly met that she has changed her appearance the things she use to love, or love to do she no longer has time for or interest in. Sure I know as we age we change and certain things we used to do or like also change. I also know that as we mature we find new hobbies or styles that's part of life but this is not that. Those are things we do for ourselves to better ourselves or because hey that’s just not something we have time for anymore. This is a complete 180 and done to impress the people currently in her life for acceptance. It's almost as if she’s a chameleon now. She quit taking her psychiatric meds because one of her new friends told her she was fine and didn't need them. Her style has dramatically changed because she’s trying to fit into this new group. ( this is what she was starting to do when we were still talking I would get the oh so and so said I need to do this and I would be like dude are you sure cuz you use to hate that. ) All of these are things she use to get so upset at people for and is now doing herself. I mention all of this because of 2 reasons.


    1. I took a step back and was like ok if you were to just meet her would you invest in a friendship with the person she is now? The answer was no! Then add everything else that happened last year the answer was hell no! So I blocked her from SM and from text.


    2. Her mental state and the contents of the email she sent.


    I went about living my life sure I think about her often and miss her mostly when I see something that reminds me of an inside joke we had or a place we had been, a song comes on, if I remember something that was totally awesome that only she would get, or something in my life happens and for an instant my knee jerk reaction is I should text, call or whatever ( we’ll call her E ) E then I’m like doh yeah thats not going to happen. Not going there. For the most part I am happier without all of the bs she was bringing to the table at the end of our friendship. I just remind myself you miss the person she was and not who she is now.


    This all brings me to what recently happened. In blocking I didnt even think to block her from email. She has never sent me an email so that's probably why it never even crossed my mind. I don't know when she realised she had been blocked from sm and text but I would assume within a week of me doing so because she would text me at least once a week even though I would not respond. She also works in the tech industry so she’s not tech illiterate she would know exactly why her text to me were not being delivered but they were to everyone else.


    A couple days ago I get this long drawn out email about how I am this awful person because I left her and promised I wouldn't. ( She has abandonment issues severe abandonment issues, amongst other things) How, I knew she has abandonment issues and if I really loved her I wouldn't have done that to her. How she let her guard down with me and this is how I repay her. How I’m just like her ex ( towards the end of our friendship she would always compare me to her ex when I would confront her on how she was treating me. ie… your acting just like the ex. The ex would manipulate me just like you are doing now ect…) Then she goes into the “what did I do to deserve this.” “I told you I was sorry.” “I told you that I loved you but not the way you wanted me to. That I love you but it would never work between us because I’m f’d up.” “That I didn't want to hurt you.” But you left anyway your just like everyone else and you said you were different I believed you and now I know you're not the person you say you are. I need you you're the only one I can talk to about what's going on in my head right now. I’m in that dark place again, I need my bestfriend, I don't want to live anymore.


    That's the jist of the email.

    I don't know how I feel about it. Well that's not true I feel like a POS. However I’m sure that's what the email was for. I also feel so angry about it like what exactly did you expect me to do. You were and still are treating me like crap. Does she not think that this is hard on my side to. That she was the only one who let someone in? Like I keep everyone in my life at a distance because I have trust issues. Because I know I’m the type of person who would do anything for someone and people take advantage of that. She knows this. I don't let people know the vulnerable me ever because where I come from if your vulnerable your weak. I let E see that side of me. She broke down all of my walls and I let her in. To the point I even developed feelings for her and told her even though that was the one thing I knew had the potential to destroy me and I was scared to death about everything that actually came with what I feeling. Things like what's happening right now is exactly why I developed those safeguards. “Sigh” I guess I just went on a bit of a rant there but f**k.


    The worst part and the part that would totally gut me. ( I don't want to live anymore ) She has been suicidal in the past I know for sure she attempted before I knew her. She was in the same headspace during the separation/divorce. However she had a good support system then. Now I’m not so sure. Because if you have to be someone you're not to get people to accept you/be your friend then chances are they wont be there. Especially the one who convinced her to go off her meds. ( I really want to punch that chick in the face ) All of those people who were there for her then have removed themselves from her life. She doesn't have good standing relationships with her family. In part due to her sexuality and in part some of them are just horrible people she cut out of her life.


    I don't know what to do here. Is this just some sort of tactic to get me to talk to her/unblock her? Is this real? Is she really thinking about killing herself? I can't get involved with this again. I know it. It’s not worth it. But if she was to do something to herself and I did nothing knowing….. I wouldn't be able to live with that either. I’m damned if I do damned if I don't here. This is so eff’d up.

    However right now I'm in the damned if I don't camp. I may reach out to and ask a mutal friend to check on her and talk to her I'm still on fence about that one. Because I don't want to get involved at all. I do know this though I will not be the one there for her anymore.
     
    #19
  20. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Yes.

    She is probably also really hurting; she may not realize she is manipulating you. That doesn't make it okay or something you need to give in to, though.

    Your first duty is still to yourself. Block her email, and remember that if she wanted to keep you in her life, she could have not treated you this way. The choice to manipulate you is as much hers as the choice to protect yourself is yours.

    This is reasonable. You can also call the police the next time she threatens to hurt herself. If it's an idle threat, it will reinforce for her that it is not a joke; if she is actually in danger, she will get prompt attention.
     
    #20
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