Am I Bi?

Discussion in 'Bisexuality' started by Jmina, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Jmina

    Jmina New Member

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    It might sound like a question with an obvious answer but I feel like something is a bit off. Here's my experience...maybe Someone can help me identify what I am?

    I've never been attracted to guys growing up apart from 1 crush in high school that lasted about 2-3 years. He gave me butterflies and I just wanted to be around him. I vaguely remember in reception (5 years old) pretending to like a boy because I didn't like boys and didn't want to be discovered...

    I don't really remember liking any girls in school but I did crush on celebrities or older girls/young women in their late teens or early 20s when I was about 14-16. Partly I wanted to be like them partly wanted to kiss them.

    When I hit 17 -24 I was into kissing girls at parties and usually instigated it but went home with boys...to fit in again.

    I never really felt sexual attraction to guys or enjoyed sex...until one time I had drunk sex with my friend at around 25... but I didn't want to go back, I felt kinda uncomfortable sober.

    Then I met this girl and fell hard we dated for a year then we broke up and I was literally devastated for about 3 years. She was never able to make me reach the big O though. I never really got that turned on by her physically but she aroused my spirit and emotions and I felt in love...sex frightened me but I went in full force.. I was very emotionally involved with her and I think she was physically attracted to me.

    A couple of years later I had a bit of a crush on another girl that fizzled and I think at this stage I was going with gay... then i fell into another relationship with a female who was masculine...initially when I had interest in her she was feminine but the balance felt off and like she was competing with me, then after a while she flipped and went very masculine and it brought out a side to me I never felt. I wanted penis. At least I Fantasized about it. We lasted for 4 years without any real sexual attraction to each other but done weird friendship exploration type thing which ended with a messy ending... a close friend of mine took me in after that as I had moved interstate and she made me feel safe there and then we started dating. She left her 12 year comfortable yet loveless relationship for me (she said she was always planning to leave and I just made her realise what she was missing in terms of feelings towards her partner at the time)

    We are now engaged. 3 years later and very much in love, She's also masculine and quite balanced with it and satisfies both my attraction to the v and p if you get my drift.

    The strange thing is I never feel same sex attraction as in girl with girl, girly girls make me feel masculine and I want to penetrate them like a guy...I feel uncomfortable with lesbian same energy sex , lesbian porn doesn't do anything for me but straight creates a bit of a spark. (Not a porn fan though)

    I've never been able to be the masculine one and if I do experiment with it a bit in bed with mental fantasies while she's going down on me (I'll imagine a penis) or she'll sit on me and I'll reach O much quicker than if I were to feel girly while she's expressing feminine too. The catch is it throws our equilibrium off and I kinda don't like her bein the fem out of the sheets too much so I don't like to bring it out too much... I like our natural states of me gem her masc. except for the odd switch in bed.

    80% of the time our usual groove is she takes the lead with a P and I love that feeling very feminine.

    Lately I've been really wanting straight sex but I've also been wanting a baby so I thought maybe it's hormonal...

    The reason I don't gel with bi is because I'm not really sexually attracted to many people at all and girls make me feel like a guy and vice versa...if i am attracted it doesn't last long and it's probably only a celebrity crush..the only person I've really ever felt it with is my partner (luckyyy)

    Is there such a thing for women to be attracted to both sexes but only date women but not really be into anyone at the same time?

    My current partner I guess awakened my sexuality and since then I've noticed guys more...

    Confusing!

    Thanks if you read this far...

    Jmina x
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I have no idea if you are bi or not.

    1) What I do know is that sexuality occurs on a spectrum. I also know that sexuality is made up of a lot of different elements - physical attraction, sexual attraction, romantic love, desire for connection and companionship and more.

    2) Gender also occurs on a spectrum. There are people who are very masculine men or very feminine women. But there are a lot of people who fall somewhere more inbetween - tomboys, androgynous men, etc...

    3) Further, what turns people on doesn't always line up with gender expectations. All men don't want to be macho tops and all women don't want to be submissive bottoms. It is very normal for people to want both - to sometimes want to be a top, to sometimes be a bottom and to sometimes switch back and forth between the two.

    When you put it all together, there is a complicated spectrum of human sexuality that people are trying to cram into 3 neat little boxes (straight, gay, bi).

    So looking at 3) It is possible to be a lesbian, but to physically enjoy sex with me. When are bodies are stimulated, we respond. Someone might enjoy masturbating with a vibrator, but that doesn't mean that they are vibrator-sexual. It just means their body responded to stimulation.

    Similarly, it is possible to be a lesbian, to be very feminine and to enjoy both being the top and the bottom in bed. Wanting penetration does not mean you are straight.

    It is also possible (and more common than people admit) to be a lesbian and to get turned on by straight porn. Fantasies aren't reality and what turns us on in our fantasies doesn't always line up with what we want to do in real life. Plenty of people have fantasies that they would never, ever want to act out in real life - intense BDSM stuff, orgies with total strangers, having sex in a church, being a sex worker, etc... Those fantasies usually have some symbolic meaning - the desire to totally let go of all control, the desire to smash taboos, etc...

    As for 2) It is possible to be a lesbian and to be attracted to 'butch' or androgynous women. Honestly - I am a tomboy and I get hit on a lot. Women love tomboys. But there is a difference between a butch woman and a man.

    Now the last bit - 1) are you bi or not? Attraction occurs on a spectrum - sexual, romantic, physical, the desire for companionship, etc... Only you can answer those questions - have you ever fallen in love with a man, the way you fall in love with women? Outside of sex, do you want closeness and affection with men?

    This is where it gets complicated - there is no universal agreement on what defines sexuality. Sure, if a girl only has physical, sexual and emotional attraction to other girls then she is a lesbian. But if someone has sexual attraction to men and women, but only emotional attraction to women - are they a lesbian or are they bi? And does arguing about a label really do much good in the long run?

    The important thing is not for someone to try and put a simplistic label on a complicated part of themselves. The important part is that that person understands their wants, desires and motivations.

    So for example, the girl who is sexually attracted to men and women, but only romantically attracted to women knows that about her self and makes decisions accordingly. "I can never love a guy, so I won't date them," or "I will have hook ups with guys, but tell them it's nothing serious."

    In your case I think the most important thing is that you ask yourself those questions. Do you love your current partner? Have you ever loved a man? Do you feel the need for male affection and companionship - and I am not just talking friends, I am talking wanting to be held, or have 'pillow talk?' There are a lot more questions, but you get the idea. Don't focus so much on 'wanting p must mean I am bi.' Instead focus on your feelings and attractions to the whole person, not just the mechanics of sex.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. Jmina

    Jmina New Member

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    Ive had a long time to think and just process and....i don't think I'm bi or gay I think I've navigated through the complexity of maybe 'being asleep' to my true sexuality...and not what is placed on me just because I exist in a world and time that forces sexuality onto us and confuses a lot of people (and fulfills a lot of people) Im beginning to understand attraction is mostly something that fulfills a need in you combined with what society tells us is attractive. I am in no way wanting to offend anyone or say to people their sexuality doesn't exist. That's not what I want out of this and what is true can be argued. We live in a world of paradox. A part of me just feels that it's fddd up that generally we seek people out by gender first then sift by person later. Why isn't it about the person first regardless of gender. I have a hard time knowing that fundamentally I'm no different to any other female in the eyes of a straight man or gay woman...is it wrong to believe that most people have not found their true sexuality because they believe they are attracted to gender first because that's what we're told to do and sort out what's pretty or handsome etc etc then you end up falling in love with someone out of your type anyway so what's the deal. Maybe if we were raised without society conditioning we'd find ourselves to be pan-Demi sexual.

    Maybe I'm ahead of the time maybe that's why I'm struggling.
     
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  4. Jmina

    Jmina New Member

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    I know it might sound like I'm saying society tells us to be gay or straight which is obscure because being gay goes against mainstream society and it's a serious issue for human equality. What I mean is by the time we can read or watch a movie, look at posters and shops we have sexuality forced down our throats and it's kind of brain washed into us what is attractive and to only follow that. We end up falling in love with the person for the person anyway right but is it fair to continue to filter yourself and continue to find attractive people by society standard when you've ultimately found your person. A lesson in love is that it's not about the gender right? You fall for the energy of the person things that make them then or you battle it out with someone you place expectations on because if their gender and are constantly disappointed. Eg strong man vs vulnerable woman

    Just my exploration guys, putting it out there
     
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  5. Jmina

    Jmina New Member

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    And yes people will say I know I'll never ever be attracted to a man because I'm just not. Well I'm not here to say it's wrong that you fell in love with your wife and would be repulsed by a man. I'm trying to understand why in the first place we filter out certain genders and don't even give others a chance because maybe we inherently are passing on our underlying fears and expectations. No relationship is wrong, no attraction is wrong and yes it's normal for attraction to occur, it's normal to explore ourselves through others...but that's all it is...most of our exs are exploration..so I'm just hesitating on drawing the line there and believing in gay/straight sexualities when maybe at our core we are all pan/Demi or heading that way as we evolve.
     
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  6. JammeJ

    JammeJ Member

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    Well, I thought about this too. I've read all of this posts and still not sure... Anyway thanks, you help me too
     
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